You'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living.

I hate this society.

I have made the choice in my life to not drink - at least for now. There are a few good reasons for this. One, I just don't see the need. If I can have fun without mind-altering substances, why should I take them at all? Two, I have seen that it often makes people do things they wouldn't otherwise do - things they usually regret and have to deal with later. Third, it causes you to lose control in a sense. And while I understand that that is one reason why people like to drink, I do not find that part of it appealing. I don't want to be afraid that I'll say or do something I shouldn't. Fourth (and probably the least important), is that it is currently illegal for me to drink. I am not 21, and I know that I am probably one of the only 20-year-olds in America that has not played beer pong or gone to a "party." And to be perfectly honest, I'm not ashamed.

This leads me to why I hate this society. It makes me want to feel ashamed for never exposing myself to alcohol. My way of life is often frowned upon by others my age or even those older than me. I'm seen as too innocent, sheltered, boring, the list could go on. Why is it so bad that I haven't broken the law like everyone else my age? Why is it so bad that I'm trying be a responsible adult? Why is it so bad that I don't want to binge drink and end up throwing up all over someone's floor? I just don't understand.

Like I said, I am not ashamed of the life I've chosen to lead. I don't care what others think of me, and I've kind of always been that way. It's the only way to live if you want to be happy. If you're constantly worried about what other people think of your decisions, actions, or even clothing choices, you'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living. A couple weeks ago right before classes started, I was picking up some books from the HUB that I had ordered online. There was a group of about seven people standing behind me in line. I was just minding my own business and happened to overhear some of their conversation (which was not quiet). They were clearly making fun of my hair - saying things like "I think it's really stupid when people have streaks in their hair that aren't natural. It's so obvious and it looks so dumb." After hearing that, I could have run crying to my room - or confronted them, which would have been fun! Instead, I kept my mouth shut, laughed to myself, and didn't bat an eye about it. If I like my hair, why should I care what seven random strangers think about my hair? I mean, let's be honest. They only wish they could pull this off.

I strive to live my life according to the way I want - not the way others want (unless you include God in the "others"...cause his opinion does matter). It's a waste of time, energy, and emotions to worry about other peoples' opinions of me.

i'd rather forgo dreams completely

I had a terrible dream last night. It was the kind of dream where you don't remember what happened right when you wake up, but you suddenly remember it later in the day like a light bulb flicking on. my dream came back to my memory in the middle of my publicity and public relations class this morning. this was horrible timing. my dream was, to put it lightly, quite disturbing. it made my whole body tense up and cringe upon remembering what had happened. i know it's not real, but my mind has a hard time distinguishing when the nightmare felt so realistic. now, this was not a typical nightmare. there were no monsters chasing after me or people dying around me. rather, i was put in a situation that was so uncomfortable that it is almost unbearable to think about it. sometimes, i find dreams to be interesting and exciting, but i'd rather forgo dreams completely if it meant never having ones like the one i had last night.

on another note, classes are going wonderfully. i absolutely love my tuesday/thursday classes. which is a good thing because they are longer than my MWF ones. the homework/study load is going to be significantly more than my last semester, so i'm trying to adjust to that. my goal is to do my homework the day it's assigned instead of the night before it's due. such a novel concept! it's actually quite freeing because then i'm never rushing to get things done at the last minute. we'll see how long this lasts though.

my mind just soaks up everything i hear.

I moved back to Whitworth on Monday/labor day. i'm finally back, and so glad to be! it's been much too long since i've seen all these lovely people and enjoyed the beauty of being in the pinecone curtain. i'm living in a brand new dorm that just opened a couple weeks ago and it is fantastic. plus, i'm living in a single, so no roommate! i have been seriously enjoying it. it's nice to be able to have my own space to go and relax, but when i'm in my room i usually try to prop my door open so people can come chat when they walk by. but, if i ever need the peace and quiet completely by myself, i can shut my door and not be bothered by anyone. it's a kind of crazy thing for me to have at college since i'm so used to having someone with me all the time. i never have to leave my room to find a place to have a private phone conversation or tip toe around my room while getting dressed in the morning. i'm really glad to have had the experience of living with a roommate in such small quarters and i do think i've grown as a person because of it. but, i've experienced enough of that and am so ready to have my own space.

my room is much larger than i was anticipating it would be. i have so much space. i even have a little reading nook with a large comfy chair and curtains on my windows. awesome? most definitely. all the girls on my hall are jealous of my room - probably because they all wish they were living in singles too, and i'm not surprised. it is wonderful.

classes started today, which i was stoked on. i actually really love learning. my mind just soaks up everything i hear. i had probability and statistics at 8am, which is gonna be sort of brutal. my prof is a really old guy who talks super slow. an un-animated professor + 8am = falling asleep. but, at least i have a friend in that class, which was a nice surprise. then i have physics with rebecca, which was kinda awkward. we're two juniors (i'm a marketing major and she's a math major) in a class of all freshmen science majors. one kid was the definition of nerd: black solar system t-shirt, fleece sweatshirt tied around his waste, and tevas with high-top white socks. it was so epically awesome. that class is probably going to be the death of me, but i think it will be enjoyable with rebecca, and i like the subject. my last class today was business law, which i was completely dreading. i am not interested in law. at all. luckily, the professor is hilarious - and not the kind of hilarious where they even realize they are funny. he doesn't purposefully make jokes, he just says things that are really funny. plus, he wears all sorts of colorful bow ties every day. and who doesn't love bow ties? i mean, honestly. i knew at least one person in that class as well and chatted a bit with the other people at my table, so i don't think that class will end up being too brutal.

i can't wait for my classes tomorrow! my first class isn't until 9:30, which is much nicer than 8am, and it is publicity and public relations. i'm hoping it will be a really awesome class, and it completely relates to marketing and what i want to do. plus, apparently the class only has like 20 people in it, so that should be good. unfortunately, it is a journalism class, so i probably won't know any of the people in it since the majority of my classes have been business classes. but meeting new people is always fun! then i have consumer behavior with my adviser, who is super passionate about marketing. it will be my first designated "marketing" class, whereas most of my classes have been the general business requirements. it will be fun to be in a class with my fellow marketing majors.

i had sort of mixed feelings about coming back to school the last week i was home. part of me wanted to stay in seattle and drink coffee everyday and read the stranger and people-watch all day - to be in a place where i felt content. another part of me couldn't wait to get back and see all of my friends and start the new year. honestly, i am super glad to be back - happier about it than i ever thought i would be. despite my car troubles that have been stressing me out, i've loved every minute of being back here. i'm sure i will inevitably get to a point in the year when i need to go back and visit seattle (and get a real cup of coffee). until then, i'm going to wholly enjoy my time here on this beautiful campus with all these awesome people.