It's like chocolate in my mouth.

There are only a few more days until I get to go home for thanksgiving break! I leave Tuesday morning and don't come back to Spokane until Sunday. It is the perfect length of break - not too long, but not too short - enough time to do everything I want to do, but not enough time to get bored.

I had a physics test on Friday that I had been worrying about all week. I studied extremely hard and felt well-prepared. Unfortunately, the test included questions that I didn't study at all. There was one question that I had no idea how to do. I wasn't even just confused, I was lost. There's no doubt in my mind that I completely failed. I probably got about %30, judging by the way my professor grades the tests. I'm not exaggerating. Oh well, it's over now and there's nothing I can do, so I'm just not going to worry about it any more. Luckily, I have nothing major due on Monday, and I'm not going to any classes on Tuesday, so I can cruise right into break.

This will be the first time that Rebecca and I will be making the Spokane-Seattle road trip together just the two of us, which should be super fun! I am so ready to go home for a little while. This is actually the longest I've been away from home. Normally I go home in October for fall break, but I didn't this year. It's kind of weird. But at the same time, I'm not going that crazy. I really just miss Seattle and all of the fun adventures I had over the summer with my sister. And of course, the coffee. But, I did have dutch bros today, which was amazing. I forgot how good it is. I can only drink it once in a while though because it is soooo rich and chocolately. In fact, after my first sip, I exclaimed to Rebecca, "It's like chocolate in my mouth!" which is pretty much just stating the obvious.

Tomorrow, I think I'm going to bake some cookies. I have some extra eggs from when I made cupcakes a couple weeks ago, and I bought a cookie mix and a brownie mix today! I love baking. Though, it's really inconvenient to do at school since I don't have any cooking supplies, and we aren't supplied any in the dorms...but I make do.

Three more days until home...Seattle, here I come!

My life seems to be in order for once.

Junior year has been one hundred percent insanity. I feel like I am constantly moving at a million miles an hour, and nearly always working on less than five hours of sleep. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of good times with friends and have made some new ones, which has been fun. It's just that with the combination of 18 credits of hard classes and the social stuff, I feel like my life is spiralling out of control. As we're nearing the last few weeks of the semester, classes are starting to pick up now. We've got two weeks left before Thanksgiving break, and two after we come back. When I think about all the projects and tests and assignments I still have to do in those four weeks, I start panicking. Will I be able to get it all done? If I take things a day at a time, it's not nearly as overwhelming, but a very small part of my brain is in a state of constant worry about classes and other things. I must admit, that despite the craziness, this year has been amazing so far. I love all of the people that are in my life right now, probably more than they know. I've finally found a church that I am satisfied with, after two years of searching. I've seen a lot of good shows and been on some fun adventures. Even with all the worry in the back of my mind, my life seems to be in order for once.

Lately, God's been answering my prayers like I've never known before. I feel like any time I utter even the smallest prayer, he hears me and responds. I am so thankful. It may be partly due to the fact that, this semester in particular, I've been trying to just give everything over to Him - even the smallest problems. Life is so much less stressful when I'm not trying to work everything out on my own. Yes, I still have problems and worries, but knowing that God will help me through them is unbelievably encouraging.

Apart from all that, not much has been happening. Thanksgiving break is in two weeks from tomorrow. I'm so stoked, it's insane. I'm getting my hair cut and colored, which will be extremely necessary by the time I get home. I'm already getting annoyed straightening it right now because it's grown so much, and the color's grown out a lot as well. It doesn't look that bad, but it'll be nice to come back to school all fresh. In addition to that little appointment, I'll also get to see my sisters and hang out with them all weekend! I miss them so. And I also miss Bauhaus and Victor's, which will both be very necessary while I'm home...possibly even Caffe Vita too, if I can swing it. Oh, and I'll be getting a shorter stud for my monroe when I'm home so that it won't stick out so far, which will be very nice. Did I mention the pumpkin pie that I'll be making? And the amazing fresh-baked rolls that we only get once a year? and the best thing about thanksgiving? The fact that it's the start of the Christmas season. I love Christmas time more than any other time of the year. I can't wait!

Halloween will not be very halloweeny.

I've never really liked Halloween. Even as a kid, it was always a competition for who had the better outfit or who could get the most candy. Now that I'm older, it seems that Halloween is merely an occasion for girls to dress like sluts, which annoys me. So, this year, halloween will not be very halloweeny for me. I'm not dressing up as anything, and I'm not going to any parties - at least that I know of yet.

It's fall break weekend, so I didn't have class yesterday and I don't have class on Monday either. The last two years, I have gone home for fall break but I decided to stay on campus this year. I am so glad I decided to stay. It's so much more of a break when I don't have to pack up and drive five hours, have a couple days to rest and then drive another five hours back to school. Granted, I would have loved to be enjoying a bauhaus latte and seattle people-watching on this wonderful saturday afternoon, but I can wait until thanksgiving break for that. I would also have loved to get my hair cut this weekend, but that can also wait.

I am finding that I rarely miss home, as in my actual house, but I do miss Seattle and the surrounding areas. I miss the city. Spokane is just not the same. At least I've only got a little over a year and a half left of college - crazy! It's starting to really dawn on me now. I'm currently in the process of choosing classes for next semester, and it's really scary to realize that I only have three semesters left here. That also means I only have three semesters left to get all of my credits done, which is scary, considering that classes are rarely at convenient times and classes I need often overlap, preventing me from taking some that I need. I'm only slightly worried about it.

It's almost November, and that scares the heck out of me. Where did September and October go? This semester is flying by. This is probably due to the fact that I have a lot of hard classes, and therefore, my life has been pretty much owned by studying. Though, I will say, I've been able to go to a lot of good shows since coming to school. Let's see...I've seen goodnight sunrise/good kids bad ideas, barcelona/allen stone, the lonely forest, mt st helens vietnam band, and the scene aesthetic/owl city. So, I really shouldn't complain.

Overall, I am pretty happy with life in general right now, which is always a nice thing to be able to say. I mean, sure, some things are not ideal at the moment (such as my computer being a jerk to me and needing a new hard drive), but it's nothing I can't manage with a smile on my face.

You'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living.

I hate this society.

I have made the choice in my life to not drink - at least for now. There are a few good reasons for this. One, I just don't see the need. If I can have fun without mind-altering substances, why should I take them at all? Two, I have seen that it often makes people do things they wouldn't otherwise do - things they usually regret and have to deal with later. Third, it causes you to lose control in a sense. And while I understand that that is one reason why people like to drink, I do not find that part of it appealing. I don't want to be afraid that I'll say or do something I shouldn't. Fourth (and probably the least important), is that it is currently illegal for me to drink. I am not 21, and I know that I am probably one of the only 20-year-olds in America that has not played beer pong or gone to a "party." And to be perfectly honest, I'm not ashamed.

This leads me to why I hate this society. It makes me want to feel ashamed for never exposing myself to alcohol. My way of life is often frowned upon by others my age or even those older than me. I'm seen as too innocent, sheltered, boring, the list could go on. Why is it so bad that I haven't broken the law like everyone else my age? Why is it so bad that I'm trying be a responsible adult? Why is it so bad that I don't want to binge drink and end up throwing up all over someone's floor? I just don't understand.

Like I said, I am not ashamed of the life I've chosen to lead. I don't care what others think of me, and I've kind of always been that way. It's the only way to live if you want to be happy. If you're constantly worried about what other people think of your decisions, actions, or even clothing choices, you'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living. A couple weeks ago right before classes started, I was picking up some books from the HUB that I had ordered online. There was a group of about seven people standing behind me in line. I was just minding my own business and happened to overhear some of their conversation (which was not quiet). They were clearly making fun of my hair - saying things like "I think it's really stupid when people have streaks in their hair that aren't natural. It's so obvious and it looks so dumb." After hearing that, I could have run crying to my room - or confronted them, which would have been fun! Instead, I kept my mouth shut, laughed to myself, and didn't bat an eye about it. If I like my hair, why should I care what seven random strangers think about my hair? I mean, let's be honest. They only wish they could pull this off.

I strive to live my life according to the way I want - not the way others want (unless you include God in the "others"...cause his opinion does matter). It's a waste of time, energy, and emotions to worry about other peoples' opinions of me.

i'd rather forgo dreams completely

I had a terrible dream last night. It was the kind of dream where you don't remember what happened right when you wake up, but you suddenly remember it later in the day like a light bulb flicking on. my dream came back to my memory in the middle of my publicity and public relations class this morning. this was horrible timing. my dream was, to put it lightly, quite disturbing. it made my whole body tense up and cringe upon remembering what had happened. i know it's not real, but my mind has a hard time distinguishing when the nightmare felt so realistic. now, this was not a typical nightmare. there were no monsters chasing after me or people dying around me. rather, i was put in a situation that was so uncomfortable that it is almost unbearable to think about it. sometimes, i find dreams to be interesting and exciting, but i'd rather forgo dreams completely if it meant never having ones like the one i had last night.

on another note, classes are going wonderfully. i absolutely love my tuesday/thursday classes. which is a good thing because they are longer than my MWF ones. the homework/study load is going to be significantly more than my last semester, so i'm trying to adjust to that. my goal is to do my homework the day it's assigned instead of the night before it's due. such a novel concept! it's actually quite freeing because then i'm never rushing to get things done at the last minute. we'll see how long this lasts though.

my mind just soaks up everything i hear.

I moved back to Whitworth on Monday/labor day. i'm finally back, and so glad to be! it's been much too long since i've seen all these lovely people and enjoyed the beauty of being in the pinecone curtain. i'm living in a brand new dorm that just opened a couple weeks ago and it is fantastic. plus, i'm living in a single, so no roommate! i have been seriously enjoying it. it's nice to be able to have my own space to go and relax, but when i'm in my room i usually try to prop my door open so people can come chat when they walk by. but, if i ever need the peace and quiet completely by myself, i can shut my door and not be bothered by anyone. it's a kind of crazy thing for me to have at college since i'm so used to having someone with me all the time. i never have to leave my room to find a place to have a private phone conversation or tip toe around my room while getting dressed in the morning. i'm really glad to have had the experience of living with a roommate in such small quarters and i do think i've grown as a person because of it. but, i've experienced enough of that and am so ready to have my own space.

my room is much larger than i was anticipating it would be. i have so much space. i even have a little reading nook with a large comfy chair and curtains on my windows. awesome? most definitely. all the girls on my hall are jealous of my room - probably because they all wish they were living in singles too, and i'm not surprised. it is wonderful.

classes started today, which i was stoked on. i actually really love learning. my mind just soaks up everything i hear. i had probability and statistics at 8am, which is gonna be sort of brutal. my prof is a really old guy who talks super slow. an un-animated professor + 8am = falling asleep. but, at least i have a friend in that class, which was a nice surprise. then i have physics with rebecca, which was kinda awkward. we're two juniors (i'm a marketing major and she's a math major) in a class of all freshmen science majors. one kid was the definition of nerd: black solar system t-shirt, fleece sweatshirt tied around his waste, and tevas with high-top white socks. it was so epically awesome. that class is probably going to be the death of me, but i think it will be enjoyable with rebecca, and i like the subject. my last class today was business law, which i was completely dreading. i am not interested in law. at all. luckily, the professor is hilarious - and not the kind of hilarious where they even realize they are funny. he doesn't purposefully make jokes, he just says things that are really funny. plus, he wears all sorts of colorful bow ties every day. and who doesn't love bow ties? i mean, honestly. i knew at least one person in that class as well and chatted a bit with the other people at my table, so i don't think that class will end up being too brutal.

i can't wait for my classes tomorrow! my first class isn't until 9:30, which is much nicer than 8am, and it is publicity and public relations. i'm hoping it will be a really awesome class, and it completely relates to marketing and what i want to do. plus, apparently the class only has like 20 people in it, so that should be good. unfortunately, it is a journalism class, so i probably won't know any of the people in it since the majority of my classes have been business classes. but meeting new people is always fun! then i have consumer behavior with my adviser, who is super passionate about marketing. it will be my first designated "marketing" class, whereas most of my classes have been the general business requirements. it will be fun to be in a class with my fellow marketing majors.

i had sort of mixed feelings about coming back to school the last week i was home. part of me wanted to stay in seattle and drink coffee everyday and read the stranger and people-watch all day - to be in a place where i felt content. another part of me couldn't wait to get back and see all of my friends and start the new year. honestly, i am super glad to be back - happier about it than i ever thought i would be. despite my car troubles that have been stressing me out, i've loved every minute of being back here. i'm sure i will inevitably get to a point in the year when i need to go back and visit seattle (and get a real cup of coffee). until then, i'm going to wholly enjoy my time here on this beautiful campus with all these awesome people.

they gave me percocet, which worked wonders.

a little over a week ago i had surgery on my thumb again. this time it was to remove the screws and plate i had put in two years ago. i went back to my hand surgeon at the beginning of the summer to see if there was anything we could do about the pain. my thumb hurts when i do anything for too long to try to lift too much. he said the only real solution would be to take the hardware out, though there's no guarantee it will take the pain away. the pain could just be due to the severity of my fracture, or it could be due to the tendons scraping against the ends of the screws when i use it. there's no way to know. basically, my doctor said it was my choice - was the pain bad enough that it would be worth it to get surgery again? i decided that it was. even though there's no guarantee the pain will go away, the possibility of it getting better was enough for me to say yes. and this is the best time to do it since i don't have a job or any real responsibilities this summer.

so i had the surgery last monday. i get the stitches out on thursday. the pain was pretty bad for the first few days. i'm pretty sure that was the first thing out of my mouth to the nurse upon waking up from the anesthetic - "my hand hurts!" though, i can't be certain, since those first ten minutes after waking up are kind of fuzzy in my mind. they practically tried to force the pain meds down my throat. i agreed to take them, only because it was hurting really bad - much worse than i remember it hurting the first time. last time i don't remember it hurting at all the first day - probably because they loaded me with pain drugs before i woke up. so anyway, i've been taking the drugs a lot this time, though they don't seem to be working all that well. when i left the hospital, they gave me percocet, which worked wonders. unfortunately, my doctor prescribed me darvocet which barely helps at all, and it makes me extremely irritable, which i hate. at least i'm to the point now where it's not in a ton of pain so i don't really need the meds.

and let me just say, i forgot how completely inconvenient it is to have only one working hand - the non-dominant one at that. the first few days i couldn't use my hand hardly at all. pretty much any movement hurt. at least now i can use it a little bit more, though i'm not supposed to lift more than two pounds.

right now my biggest annoyance is the bandage. you know when you have your hair in a tight ponytail all day and then you let it down and it hurts? like it doesn't want to go back to it's normal position? well as the bandage loosens on my hand as i'm using it more, the hair on my arm is starting to move. it was smashed down at all sorts of weird angles, and now it hurts. such a random thought, i know.

as much as i can't wait to get this bandage off, i am really not looking forward to getting the stitches out. it's such an awkward, uncomfortable feeling...pulling. ick.