sink down into myself, into my own little shell.

a few days ago i spent about an hour writing a ridiculously long blog. apparently i wasn't logged in (even though it said i was), so when i clicked 'publish' it decided to tell me to log in. when i clicked 'back,' the hour's work was gone. i was hecka pissed, especially since it was like 2 am, so i wasn't about to rewrite it then. i don't even remember what it said. grr.

do you ever have moments where you think "what am i doing here"? because i seem to have those a lot, and mostly at night. this is mainly why i have become somewhat of an insomniac...well, that and sleeping in until noon every day. i guess there are just days when i feel like i'm doing things just to have something to do, like there's no purpose to the madness. i don't know...i like to think that i've affected someone. and maybe that's a purpose we all serve, to change the lives of others in a positive way. and i think that's all we ever try to do. think about it - pretty much everything we do is for someone else. at your job - you're selling things to others, serving food to others, answering phones for someone, building something for another person, etc. why do bands make music and tour? for their fans. we all impact the people around us, even without thinking about it.

i'm just going through a weird time right now, especially just after coming home from my first year of college, trying to adjust back to normal life. i had to go out and get a job, that i'm not so sure i will truly enjoy it (maybe that's why it's a job), but i will have to wait until i actually start and get past training to find that out. i have a couple good concerts coming up (barcelona, the maine, boys like girls, metro station, the classic crime, holyfield, moneta....then warped tour, of course), which always lifts my spirits. i guess i'm just going through a period of self-discovery, trying to figure out who i am. it's weird that i'm almost nineteen now, and i'm still not really sure who i am. when someone asks me "who are you?" i don't know what to say...what is most important? the fact that i'm christian? the fact that i'm a college student? the fact that i'm of more than six nationalities? the fact that i'm 'emo'? the fact that i'm obsessed with music? ugh. i don't even know.

i've decided that i really, really need to get over my quietness, my meekness, and my shyness. of course, that's never going to happen, but a girl can dream. i've realized that whenever i am in an uncomfortable or unknown situation or place, i kind of just sink down into myself, into my own little shell and act as if i am invisible. when i'm thrown into a new situation i feel as if i am so small that no one will take notice of me, and so they don't. i'm not going to get any where in life if i keep this mindset. i will never change it, and i know my lack of self esteem just feeds this feeling, but what can i do? i hate being this way.

today i saw a whitworthian at borders. he was working at the seattle's best coffee shop that's in the borders at redmond town center. it was very weird. i wasn't getting coffee or anything, so i didn't talk to him. it's very odd seeing people from school over on this side of the state. he was in my sociology class, which makes it even more weird. he's the second person from whitworth that i've seen over here. i saw another guy a couple weeks ago while i was driving...also from my sociology class. that's odd. what a coincidence.

i really hate staying up late like this, but i just can't fall asleep. it's really bad when i actually have to wake up for something the next day (like i do tomorrow) because then i go to bed really late, but have to wake up early. i really need to get out of this habit. it's really not healthy. i'm going to end it right...now.

crisis: averted. finding a job: check.

i feel like i have been home for an eternity. that's probably because i've grown incredibly bored with nothing to do. i've even resorted to loading the sims onto my computer again. i'm that bored. but it really is the greatest game to ever come to humankind. i absolutely love it. i really should get the sims 2...the original just seems so lame now. it's amazing how quickly technology develops. i was just thinking about this earlier actually, while i was watching rob & big of all things. big was getting one of his cars converted to run on vegetable oil. it made me realize how advanced all of our technology is getting. to be able to run a car on used oil that would have been thrown away is amazing. it was probably pretty expensive, as he had to get a diesel engine, but how think of how much money he'll save without needing to buy gas! i just can't wait until the day when all cars are electric. and look at the cell phone and how much it has evolved in such a short time. i can imagine the huge brick of a phone my mother once had, and now i see the iphone, which is just incredible. a computer, a phone, and a camera all in one small device. you'd think that people would be doing much better things with this technology than doing things like making nuclear weapons. and i really think that more government money should be given to medical research. imagine if we found a cure for aids. we could save so many lives. wow...i have no idea how i got into this political talk. i don't like it.

so, guess what! i got a job. finally! macys called me back last week and set up an interview time which was wednesday at 2. i was hecka nervous because i had no idea what to expect. it ended up being a group interview. it was me...and four other guys. talk about intense! but it was great because the people interviewing were pretty laid back and didn't make me feel too nervous. i mean, don't get me wrong, my hands were still shaking a little in my lap, but the interviewers weren't super serious or intimidating. they had us go around and introduce ourselves, then asked us questions that we answered one by one. i felt pretty good, though, because a couple of the other guys weren't really dressed up, and i was. then, they left for a few minutes to talk about us and were then going to take us out to talk to us one by one. i was fourth to be pulled out, and let me tell you, it was crazy stressful waiting in that room as she came and called us one by one. so many things were running through my mind...."i shouldn't have said that," "i wish i hadn't done that"...etc. i ended up talking to the last guy that was in there with me before it was my turn. he went to redmond high, so we talked about that and our first years of college and such. it was nice because i totally forgot about how stressed i was...until she came in the room and called my name. i thought to myself "oh crap. already?". she took me into this tiny room with a sofa and a chair. immediately the guy starts talking about how they start at $10.50 and hour plus commission, blah, blah, blah. i was thinking to myself..."does this mean he's hiring me?". i was a little confused, haha. but then he continued on to say that they have two open positions, but neither of them were temporary. so they asked me how serious i was about wanting to transfer to another store in the fall, so i said i was very serious. then the guy's like, "oh great. we really like you, and think you'd be great at macy's, but we can only offer you a position if it is permanent." i was so happy and said thank you and all that jazz. they didn't have any more questions for me, so then they offered me the position, and i took it! i go back on wednesday to meet with the hr lady and fill out 'new hire' paperwork and get more information about what i'm actually going to do. everyone keeps asking me what department i'm going to be working in...and i have no idea. i don't really care. as long as i have a job, it doesn't matter what part of the store i'm working in. oh, and since the redmond store is a pilot store or something, i get to choose when i want to work and how much. the only requirement is that i work at least one day a week and on all of the one-day sale days. it's basically the best deal ever. so. crisis: averted. finding a job: check.

i just got a headache. it's one pulsing pain on the top of my head, near the back. i rarely get headaches. i also rarely remember my dreams, but i've been having some really bad ones lately. this morning i kept waking up and going back to sleep and i would have these short mini dreams in between awakenings. one of them was extremely disturbing. like, i don't even want to write it down because it creeped me out so much. basically, it shakes down to the fact that in my dream, i killed someone with a wrench...well, actually, i didn't actually witness myself doing it in the dream, but i saw everything right up to it and right after it. you know how dreams are....they jump around like a movie sometimes. i woke up again after that dream and just felt so horrible, and quite scared. i mean, it wasn't one of those dreams where you think it actually happened. that would really suck to think that i had killed someone, but i was just very scared by it. i don't really know what to make of it. it anyone interprets dreams, please let me know what in the world that one means. i'm at a complete loss.

i've grown a little lonely lately. maybe i'm alone because i have dreams about killing people. but no, really. i love all of my friends to death, and they're all wonderful, amazing friends. i have all girl friends from high school, and i guess i'm just kind of sick of being around women all the time. it's not even that i really want a boyfriend or anything [though i wouldn't object to one], it would just be nice to have some guy friends to hang out with too. i've also decided that i need to make some emo friends...people to go to shows with, people who like the same kind of music that i like. it sucks having concerts i want to go to and no one to go with. a lot.