sink down into myself, into my own little shell.

a few days ago i spent about an hour writing a ridiculously long blog. apparently i wasn't logged in (even though it said i was), so when i clicked 'publish' it decided to tell me to log in. when i clicked 'back,' the hour's work was gone. i was hecka pissed, especially since it was like 2 am, so i wasn't about to rewrite it then. i don't even remember what it said. grr.

do you ever have moments where you think "what am i doing here"? because i seem to have those a lot, and mostly at night. this is mainly why i have become somewhat of an insomniac...well, that and sleeping in until noon every day. i guess there are just days when i feel like i'm doing things just to have something to do, like there's no purpose to the madness. i don't know...i like to think that i've affected someone. and maybe that's a purpose we all serve, to change the lives of others in a positive way. and i think that's all we ever try to do. think about it - pretty much everything we do is for someone else. at your job - you're selling things to others, serving food to others, answering phones for someone, building something for another person, etc. why do bands make music and tour? for their fans. we all impact the people around us, even without thinking about it.

i'm just going through a weird time right now, especially just after coming home from my first year of college, trying to adjust back to normal life. i had to go out and get a job, that i'm not so sure i will truly enjoy it (maybe that's why it's a job), but i will have to wait until i actually start and get past training to find that out. i have a couple good concerts coming up (barcelona, the maine, boys like girls, metro station, the classic crime, holyfield, moneta....then warped tour, of course), which always lifts my spirits. i guess i'm just going through a period of self-discovery, trying to figure out who i am. it's weird that i'm almost nineteen now, and i'm still not really sure who i am. when someone asks me "who are you?" i don't know what to say...what is most important? the fact that i'm christian? the fact that i'm a college student? the fact that i'm of more than six nationalities? the fact that i'm 'emo'? the fact that i'm obsessed with music? ugh. i don't even know.

i've decided that i really, really need to get over my quietness, my meekness, and my shyness. of course, that's never going to happen, but a girl can dream. i've realized that whenever i am in an uncomfortable or unknown situation or place, i kind of just sink down into myself, into my own little shell and act as if i am invisible. when i'm thrown into a new situation i feel as if i am so small that no one will take notice of me, and so they don't. i'm not going to get any where in life if i keep this mindset. i will never change it, and i know my lack of self esteem just feeds this feeling, but what can i do? i hate being this way.

today i saw a whitworthian at borders. he was working at the seattle's best coffee shop that's in the borders at redmond town center. it was very weird. i wasn't getting coffee or anything, so i didn't talk to him. it's very odd seeing people from school over on this side of the state. he was in my sociology class, which makes it even more weird. he's the second person from whitworth that i've seen over here. i saw another guy a couple weeks ago while i was driving...also from my sociology class. that's odd. what a coincidence.

i really hate staying up late like this, but i just can't fall asleep. it's really bad when i actually have to wake up for something the next day (like i do tomorrow) because then i go to bed really late, but have to wake up early. i really need to get out of this habit. it's really not healthy. i'm going to end it right...now.