Time to myself to just think.

It's almost impossible for me to believe that I only have a month left at home. I'm really excited to move into my new house off campus and get back into the school thing. Learning just straight up feeds my mind in the best way, and I don't like to be stagnant.

I'm currently at starbucks in Kirkland, enjoying the free wifi (finally, starbucks, honestly. I think every other coffee shop in the country caught on before you) and late-night coffee. I wouldn't have come, if it weren't for the treat receipt I got this morning. I don't need the coffee, so I got decaf, but it still tastes lovely. I was home for a couple hours this evening after getting back from visiting with friends in Tacoma, and I already almost lost my mind. This was also a major reason why I decided to head to the bux. I needed to get out, get away, get some time to myself to just think. Of course, I'm not really by "myself," when I'm sitting in a crowded, obnoxiously loud Starbucks, but this is my thing. Whenever I need to get away, I go to a coffee shop - any one that's open and good.

I've also come to the realization that I hate the "party" scene. Well, this wasn't a recent realization, just more of a confirmation of a realization I had many years ago. Throughout my life, I've just never had the desire to get into any sort of drunken escapades. It wasn't until recently that I accepted the fact that there's really no harm in a few drinks. But to be perfectly honest, I just don't think sitting in a house with a bunch of drunk people attempting to throw ping pong balls into cups of beer sounds like fun. Now that I'm 21, I enjoy going out to some classy bars in Seattle for a couple drinks with friends, or having a drink at home. But on the other hand, I've spent too much of my life being uptight and overly goody-goody. I know I need to learn how to loosen up a bit and just have fun.

This coming school year will bring many changes in my life. I'm sure of it. I feel like I've matured and changed this summer. I've had to get to a point where I am okay with myself, since I've spent the majority of the summer alone. I was scared that this summer would be miserable (and some times were arguably so), but I've spent a lot of time alone, reflecting, thinking, and changing. I want to go out and be a confident woman, instead of the meek person I feel I used to be. Who knows what will actually happen when I get back to school? Will I revert back to my old ways? I sure hope not.

Luckily, my sister is coming up to visit on Wednesday, and she'll be here for a whole week. We're going to drink coffee at our favorite places, go to a show at El Corazon, see a movie, and get into all sorts of shenanigans. I wish she could have been here with me all summer, but I think things happened the way they were supposed to, and I'll get a week with her.

A place of spotty fulfillment and constant wondering.

I want to live at the crossroads where dreams and reality meet. The problem is, I don't know how to get there. It's a place of contentment. A place of happiness and fulfillment and never wondering. In all honesty, I'm not sure this place exists. Or maybe the issue is that I'm so unsure of everything in life that I doubt the existence of such a place. I want to leave a mediocre life and step into something extraordinary. I want things to happen that are important. I want to meet people that will become important in my eyes. I want to wake up every morning thanking God for the life I have the privilege to lead.

Right now, I have none of those things. I live on a road, utterly lost trying to reach the dream with no map or way to navigate myself to its embrace. It's a place of uncertainties. A place of spotty fulfillment and constant wondering. I have no idea how to leave a less-than-wonderful life and get into one that's unbelievable. The things I am experiencing are currently necessary at best, and not the least bit important. Some of the people I'm surrounded by give me the opposite of a reason to seem important to me [though, admittedly, I can't imagine life without a couple others]. I wake up thinking, "What the fuck am I doing?" and asking God the exact same question.

It's a question I don't have an answer to, and probably never will. And God doesn't seem to be offering up any helping hand at the moment. I have so many dreams, hopes, desires. They seem unattainable and unrealistic right now. Sometimes I think they are outlandish and unworthy of any lingering thought. But in reality, maybe this experience is better than having no dreams at all. Dreams, they motivate me, push me to at least attempt things that may seem impossible. I suppose it's an existence more fulfilling than living for, hoping for, reaching for nothing at all. At minimum, I can thank God for that.