You'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living.

I hate this society.

I have made the choice in my life to not drink - at least for now. There are a few good reasons for this. One, I just don't see the need. If I can have fun without mind-altering substances, why should I take them at all? Two, I have seen that it often makes people do things they wouldn't otherwise do - things they usually regret and have to deal with later. Third, it causes you to lose control in a sense. And while I understand that that is one reason why people like to drink, I do not find that part of it appealing. I don't want to be afraid that I'll say or do something I shouldn't. Fourth (and probably the least important), is that it is currently illegal for me to drink. I am not 21, and I know that I am probably one of the only 20-year-olds in America that has not played beer pong or gone to a "party." And to be perfectly honest, I'm not ashamed.

This leads me to why I hate this society. It makes me want to feel ashamed for never exposing myself to alcohol. My way of life is often frowned upon by others my age or even those older than me. I'm seen as too innocent, sheltered, boring, the list could go on. Why is it so bad that I haven't broken the law like everyone else my age? Why is it so bad that I'm trying be a responsible adult? Why is it so bad that I don't want to binge drink and end up throwing up all over someone's floor? I just don't understand.

Like I said, I am not ashamed of the life I've chosen to lead. I don't care what others think of me, and I've kind of always been that way. It's the only way to live if you want to be happy. If you're constantly worried about what other people think of your decisions, actions, or even clothing choices, you'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living. A couple weeks ago right before classes started, I was picking up some books from the HUB that I had ordered online. There was a group of about seven people standing behind me in line. I was just minding my own business and happened to overhear some of their conversation (which was not quiet). They were clearly making fun of my hair - saying things like "I think it's really stupid when people have streaks in their hair that aren't natural. It's so obvious and it looks so dumb." After hearing that, I could have run crying to my room - or confronted them, which would have been fun! Instead, I kept my mouth shut, laughed to myself, and didn't bat an eye about it. If I like my hair, why should I care what seven random strangers think about my hair? I mean, let's be honest. They only wish they could pull this off.

I strive to live my life according to the way I want - not the way others want (unless you include God in the "others"...cause his opinion does matter). It's a waste of time, energy, and emotions to worry about other peoples' opinions of me.

i'd rather forgo dreams completely

I had a terrible dream last night. It was the kind of dream where you don't remember what happened right when you wake up, but you suddenly remember it later in the day like a light bulb flicking on. my dream came back to my memory in the middle of my publicity and public relations class this morning. this was horrible timing. my dream was, to put it lightly, quite disturbing. it made my whole body tense up and cringe upon remembering what had happened. i know it's not real, but my mind has a hard time distinguishing when the nightmare felt so realistic. now, this was not a typical nightmare. there were no monsters chasing after me or people dying around me. rather, i was put in a situation that was so uncomfortable that it is almost unbearable to think about it. sometimes, i find dreams to be interesting and exciting, but i'd rather forgo dreams completely if it meant never having ones like the one i had last night.

on another note, classes are going wonderfully. i absolutely love my tuesday/thursday classes. which is a good thing because they are longer than my MWF ones. the homework/study load is going to be significantly more than my last semester, so i'm trying to adjust to that. my goal is to do my homework the day it's assigned instead of the night before it's due. such a novel concept! it's actually quite freeing because then i'm never rushing to get things done at the last minute. we'll see how long this lasts though.

my mind just soaks up everything i hear.

I moved back to Whitworth on Monday/labor day. i'm finally back, and so glad to be! it's been much too long since i've seen all these lovely people and enjoyed the beauty of being in the pinecone curtain. i'm living in a brand new dorm that just opened a couple weeks ago and it is fantastic. plus, i'm living in a single, so no roommate! i have been seriously enjoying it. it's nice to be able to have my own space to go and relax, but when i'm in my room i usually try to prop my door open so people can come chat when they walk by. but, if i ever need the peace and quiet completely by myself, i can shut my door and not be bothered by anyone. it's a kind of crazy thing for me to have at college since i'm so used to having someone with me all the time. i never have to leave my room to find a place to have a private phone conversation or tip toe around my room while getting dressed in the morning. i'm really glad to have had the experience of living with a roommate in such small quarters and i do think i've grown as a person because of it. but, i've experienced enough of that and am so ready to have my own space.

my room is much larger than i was anticipating it would be. i have so much space. i even have a little reading nook with a large comfy chair and curtains on my windows. awesome? most definitely. all the girls on my hall are jealous of my room - probably because they all wish they were living in singles too, and i'm not surprised. it is wonderful.

classes started today, which i was stoked on. i actually really love learning. my mind just soaks up everything i hear. i had probability and statistics at 8am, which is gonna be sort of brutal. my prof is a really old guy who talks super slow. an un-animated professor + 8am = falling asleep. but, at least i have a friend in that class, which was a nice surprise. then i have physics with rebecca, which was kinda awkward. we're two juniors (i'm a marketing major and she's a math major) in a class of all freshmen science majors. one kid was the definition of nerd: black solar system t-shirt, fleece sweatshirt tied around his waste, and tevas with high-top white socks. it was so epically awesome. that class is probably going to be the death of me, but i think it will be enjoyable with rebecca, and i like the subject. my last class today was business law, which i was completely dreading. i am not interested in law. at all. luckily, the professor is hilarious - and not the kind of hilarious where they even realize they are funny. he doesn't purposefully make jokes, he just says things that are really funny. plus, he wears all sorts of colorful bow ties every day. and who doesn't love bow ties? i mean, honestly. i knew at least one person in that class as well and chatted a bit with the other people at my table, so i don't think that class will end up being too brutal.

i can't wait for my classes tomorrow! my first class isn't until 9:30, which is much nicer than 8am, and it is publicity and public relations. i'm hoping it will be a really awesome class, and it completely relates to marketing and what i want to do. plus, apparently the class only has like 20 people in it, so that should be good. unfortunately, it is a journalism class, so i probably won't know any of the people in it since the majority of my classes have been business classes. but meeting new people is always fun! then i have consumer behavior with my adviser, who is super passionate about marketing. it will be my first designated "marketing" class, whereas most of my classes have been the general business requirements. it will be fun to be in a class with my fellow marketing majors.

i had sort of mixed feelings about coming back to school the last week i was home. part of me wanted to stay in seattle and drink coffee everyday and read the stranger and people-watch all day - to be in a place where i felt content. another part of me couldn't wait to get back and see all of my friends and start the new year. honestly, i am super glad to be back - happier about it than i ever thought i would be. despite my car troubles that have been stressing me out, i've loved every minute of being back here. i'm sure i will inevitably get to a point in the year when i need to go back and visit seattle (and get a real cup of coffee). until then, i'm going to wholly enjoy my time here on this beautiful campus with all these awesome people.

they gave me percocet, which worked wonders.

a little over a week ago i had surgery on my thumb again. this time it was to remove the screws and plate i had put in two years ago. i went back to my hand surgeon at the beginning of the summer to see if there was anything we could do about the pain. my thumb hurts when i do anything for too long to try to lift too much. he said the only real solution would be to take the hardware out, though there's no guarantee it will take the pain away. the pain could just be due to the severity of my fracture, or it could be due to the tendons scraping against the ends of the screws when i use it. there's no way to know. basically, my doctor said it was my choice - was the pain bad enough that it would be worth it to get surgery again? i decided that it was. even though there's no guarantee the pain will go away, the possibility of it getting better was enough for me to say yes. and this is the best time to do it since i don't have a job or any real responsibilities this summer.

so i had the surgery last monday. i get the stitches out on thursday. the pain was pretty bad for the first few days. i'm pretty sure that was the first thing out of my mouth to the nurse upon waking up from the anesthetic - "my hand hurts!" though, i can't be certain, since those first ten minutes after waking up are kind of fuzzy in my mind. they practically tried to force the pain meds down my throat. i agreed to take them, only because it was hurting really bad - much worse than i remember it hurting the first time. last time i don't remember it hurting at all the first day - probably because they loaded me with pain drugs before i woke up. so anyway, i've been taking the drugs a lot this time, though they don't seem to be working all that well. when i left the hospital, they gave me percocet, which worked wonders. unfortunately, my doctor prescribed me darvocet which barely helps at all, and it makes me extremely irritable, which i hate. at least i'm to the point now where it's not in a ton of pain so i don't really need the meds.

and let me just say, i forgot how completely inconvenient it is to have only one working hand - the non-dominant one at that. the first few days i couldn't use my hand hardly at all. pretty much any movement hurt. at least now i can use it a little bit more, though i'm not supposed to lift more than two pounds.

right now my biggest annoyance is the bandage. you know when you have your hair in a tight ponytail all day and then you let it down and it hurts? like it doesn't want to go back to it's normal position? well as the bandage loosens on my hand as i'm using it more, the hair on my arm is starting to move. it was smashed down at all sorts of weird angles, and now it hurts. such a random thought, i know.

as much as i can't wait to get this bandage off, i am really not looking forward to getting the stitches out. it's such an awkward, uncomfortable feeling...pulling. ick.

what happened to the "yes we can!" attitude?

i'm gonna be honest, i don't want to blog about politics, but i just can't help myself right now.

what's so effing bad about universal health-care system? if you are against this idea, then please, just for one second consider what you would do right now if you were one of the 47 million americans who don't have health-care [http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2009/07/america-cannot-afford-to-wait-on-health-care-reform-.html]. maybe you work a minimum wage job and your employer won't give you enough hours to get full benefits. what if you have kids that need health-care? a dentist? glasses? some like to claim or assume that people who don't have health-care coverage are just lazy. just homeless. just whatever. and it's simply not true. if you put yourself in the shoes of someone else who is actually in desperate need of some form of health-care, you may see that what Obama's trying to do is actually quite helpful.

i read this article in the seattle times a couple days ago and thought it was really interesting: "http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2009506926_canahealth21.html it talks about the myths and truths of canada's health care system and there was a lot of information in there that i wasn't aware of. one thing i found interesting and quite disturbing was the fact that canada spends 10% of GDP on health-care and everyone, every where is covered. the US spends 15.3% of GDP and we still have millions of people with no care. there is obviously a major issue with the way our money is being spent.

let me make myself clear. i am not a socialist, by any means. and neither is obama, as much as people loooove to make him seem like one. lots of people are quick to judge that obama was the wrong choice, that he's done nothing to help the country since he's been in office. the state of our economy and other things - the health care system being one of them, provided obama with a country falling apart at the seams as he stepped into office. i'd say we need to be a little more hopeful and supportive of what he's trying to accomplish. no one would have been able to fix our situation in a few short months, no matter how much experience they had. what happened to the "yes we can!" attitude that we all (or at least Obama's supporters...) had when we was elected and then inaugurated?

my "friends" on facebook are not actually my friends.

i'm starting to realize that the majority of my "friends" on facebook are not actually my friends. they're mostly acquaintances from college or old friends from high school that i no longer correspond with. some of the people that i'm "friends" with that go to whitworth don't even say hi to me when they see me on campus (though, i'm just as guilty as they are). can i really consider someone i met one time and won't even wave at in the cafeteria a "friend"? it's a weird realization for me. i've never been the type that had a lot of friends. my phone was never ringing off the hook and my calendar was never jam-packed with social events. i usually have a small core group that i get to know really well and stick with them for a long time. of course, there are always people outside that group that i consider to be my friends, but they're no more than people to talk to or eat lunch with. i would not go to them for advice or even to hang out if i'm bored. and when i think about how many friends i actually have, there aren't very many. i guess that's just my personality. i can get along with pretty much anyone. i'm super welcoming and i really do like meeting new people, it just takes a long time for me to get to know a person well enough to consider them a close friend.

there's a part of me that wishes i was just friends with everyone - that my phone would be ringing off the hook with people trying to talk to me and hang out. but on the other hand, i am a pretty independent person. as much as i love being with friends, i need a good amount of alone time if i want to function properly. i need time to think through things and just be. or maybe i just hate feeling too busy and rushed. when you've got so many people to spend time with, how can you ever really focus on the person you're with, when you're only thinking about how you're seeing someone else in two hours?

or maybe it's a trust thing. maybe i don't get close to people for a long time because i don't trust them yet. while on the other side of that, if a friend breaks my trust after i've let my walls down, it's the worst thing in the world.

it's just weird to step back and look at my life. i have a hundred acquaintances and a very few good friends that i would trust my life with. and i think i like it that way?

it promises to be a good birthday.

my summer's almost half over. it's weird to think that i've been home for six weeks already. that's probably because without a job, i've felt useless. i applied to twelve places and have interviewed at two places, but didn't get the job at either. though, i'm almost glad the second place that i interviewed at did not give me the job because i would have died working there. they just seemed so concerned with appearance and style - more concerned with looking the part than actually having good qualities as an employee. a place that shallow is not a place that i want to be working. i'm still hoping that another store will call. at least i'm housesitting soon, which will get me a little money to tide me over.

this weekend should be pretty exciting. the fourth of july is on saturday, which i love! me and alissa are going to go watch the fireworks on the plateau. yes. i know that's totally lame, but at least it'll be fun to go together. i don't really know what i'm going to do the rest of the day, but something will come up, i'm sure. and then sunday is my birthday! in four days, i'll no longer be a teenager. that is weird. but, 20's not a very exciting age. i wish i was turning 21, but not because i want to drink. i don't care about that at all. mostly, i'd just like to be able to go to 21 and over shows! i don't know how many times i've wanted to go to a show and i couldn't because it was 21+. so lame. oh well, that's still only one year to wait. plus, i'm going to see nevershoutnever and the ready set on my birthday at el corazon! that should be a blast. there are rarely shows on my birthday because it's right after a holiday. boys like girls are also playing, but i don't really care about them. i saw them last summer with the maine. they were pretty good, i just don't really care about seeing them again. it promises to be a good birthday.

two more months at home, and then it's back to school. i'm so excited to go back! i can't wait to move into the brand new dorm. and honestly, i'm excited for all my new classes. when i tell people i'm taking physics in the fall - by choice, they think i'm out of my mind, but i can't wait! physics was my favorite science in high school. i just hope that i don't regret my decision to take it.

i'd really like to find a place to horseback ride while i'm home this summer. i miss it a lot. it's been almost two years since i've ridden on a regular basis. it's crazy to think that that part of my life was so important to me for so long, and now it's been absent from my life for two years. hopefully i'll find a place soon!

i got my hair done last week. finally! i hadn't gotten it cut since march and it had grown so much. i tried to dye my own hair before i got it cut, but just ended up messing it up so hardcore. so, i decided i would just get it colored when i went to get it cut. of course, when i looked up the salon online to find the number to make an appointment, i realized the guy who cut my hair last time (which was amazing) was not at the salon any more! so, i went stalker-status and googled his name! luckily, it linked to his twitter so i contacted him on there, which worked out perfectly. i got an appointment two days later. and now, my hair looks bomb. i got quite a bit cut off and it's the shortest i've ever had it, but i love it! and the color looks amazing. it took three hours to do, but it was worth it!