i'm almost 3/8 done with college.

i'm supposed to be studying for my core test that i have on friday, but i have an utter lack of motivation at the moment. i also have a design project due tomorrow that i have to finish and an accounting test on thursday. this week blows.

i signed up for my spring classes today. i'm pretty excited about them. i'll be taking macroeconomics, writing for mass media, international business, managerial accounting, yoga, ice skating, marketing and radio. it's 18 credits, so i'll be pretty busy, but i like to be busy. if i don't have enough classes, i have too much free time that i just end up wasting. plus, yoga and ice skating are both half-semester classes so they are both over before spring break. then the second half of my semester will be more chill cause i'll have 6 less class hours a week. wow...that's a lot. i'm excited though. i don't dislike the classes i'm taking right now, i'm just getting a little sick of them and i'm ready for a change.

the end of this semester means that i am closer to my jan term trip to new york and DC. i absolutely cannot, cannot, CANNOT wait. i am so excited to see new york and i've never been to dc either. also, i will be in dc when obama is inaugurated into office. i don't know if i'll be able to go to it, but just being there while a new president comes into office is a really cool thing, especially because i love obama and i'm super happy he won the election. it would have killed me to see sarah palin in the white house.

i go home for thanksgiving break in exactly a week from today. i can't believe it has come up so quickly. after break, then i have a week and a half til i come home for christmas break. it's all happening so fast. this semester has completely flown by. i think i've definitely settled into whitworth this year. i don't know, last year was such a difficult time for me and so many things were new, plus i didn't really make any friends. i was just not happy here, but this year i feel so much more at home here. i still wouldn't call it 'home' necessarily, because i am a seattle girl in every sense of the word, and i could never call spokane 'home'. it's more of a temporary living situation. i can't wait to move back to seattle after i graduate from whitworth. i'm almost 3/8 done with college. ahh! part of me wants to be done with college so i can just start my life, but there's another part of me that wants to just stay in college forever so i never have to face reality. because, in all actuality, college in unlike any other experience, but it's not like the real world.

i wish there were more emo kids at whitworth. and more emo bands in spokane. maybe i just need to find some people to turn into emos. haha. i wish. i miss my bands back home. it's been too long...even though i get to see the classic crime on saturday! ahh. i can't wait. they are seriously, not joking, one of my favorite all time bands, especially to see live. they have one of the best live shows i've ever seen. they are headling the tour which means a really long set and lots of songs from the new album, that i'm in love with. they're playing with artist vs. poet, who are also really good. they had an ep come out today, but i'm too poor to buy it...maybe i'll buy it at the show on saturday.

also, twilight comes out this weekend! i really want to go to the midnight show, but i have a core test on friday morning. i could probably go to the midnight showing and be fine, but i think i'm going to do the smart, responsible thing and just go see it on friday afternoon. plus, then i won't have to deal with the utter mayhem that the midnight showing will entail. i just hope the movie's good. i'm a little worried, but i have hope. though, i love robert pattinson, so even if it sucks, at least i'll have been able to stare at his beautiful face for two hours.

for serious, i cannot concentrate. turkey and pumpkin pie are calling my name...

trying my hardest, and obviously failing epically.

i feel sick to my stomach, but i don't think it's because i ate something bad. is it possible for your emotions to manifest themselves physically, to make the move from the mind to the body? i think that's what's happening to me right now. it's november. i've now been at school for two months. and while these past two months have flown by, they've also caused me to become increasingly aware of how much i don't want to be single any more [and also something i thought might pan out, has definitely not]. the desire to love someone and be loved in return has crept up inside me like some sort of monster that won't go away. i'm 19 years old and i've never been kissed [or been in a relationship for that matter]. i realize i'm not the only person who's in this situation, but it's still no fun. i love all of my friends to death and i've made a ton of new friends this year, but there's still a void there that can't be filled with friends. i think we all have this void until someone comes along to fill it. it's not like i've become a pile of broken pieces, waiting for someone to put me back together, i'm just starting to realize that it'd be really nice to have someone, a significant other, in my life right now.

i've said before that i didn't want to have a relationship in college because it allows people to spend way too much time together, which isn't like the real world. living in the dorms allows people to practically live together and spend every waking minute with one another. it's not a realistic situation. even if you move in together after college, you'll have jobs and won't see each other every hour of the day. i just don't want to be in a relationship that commands all of my attention or forces me to cut off time spent with friends.

i trust God's timing, and while i really felt like this was going to be the year, apparently i was wrong. who knows - maybe god thinks i'm not ready for a relationship. or maybe the man God has for me isn't ready for a relationship. there's a thousand possible reasons as to why God hasn't blessed me with a man yet. we all think we know how to run our lives, but in the end, God knows what's best. in seasons of life when things aren't happening the way we want, it's hard to just trust God and keep living your life. i'm trying my hardest, and obviously failing epically.

i've been listening to death cab's 'narrow stairs' non-stop for the last few days. it is a really great album that i highly recommend. i haven't even gotten all the way through it because i find myself listening to the first six songs over and over again. My favorite song right now is "Cath..." it's brilliant.

i've worn my hair curly the last few days. i forgot how weird it is, and annoying. i can't run my fingers through it without completely ruining it, and it gets frizzy when i take a nap during the day...so, it basically all around sucks, except for the fact that it takes a lot less time to do. i much prefer it straight. i've also been realizing lately that i miss my dark hair. i think i'll change it back soon.

i'm going home tomorrow night. the maine is playing in seattle on friday night with every avenue, mayday parade, and all time low. unfortunately, the show sold out and i forgot to buy tickets before that happened. me and emilie are driving all the way home, just holding out hope that someone will be there selling tickets. i'm a little bit worried. if we don't end up being able to get tickets, i'll be really sad, but it's not the end of the world. it'll definitely be an amazing show for sure, but there'll be other tours. we're at least going to see the maine because they are playing at the wet seal in southcenter at 3 pm. at least we'll have that. i'm still holding out hope and praying like no other.

i still feel sick.