trying my hardest, and obviously failing epically.

i feel sick to my stomach, but i don't think it's because i ate something bad. is it possible for your emotions to manifest themselves physically, to make the move from the mind to the body? i think that's what's happening to me right now. it's november. i've now been at school for two months. and while these past two months have flown by, they've also caused me to become increasingly aware of how much i don't want to be single any more [and also something i thought might pan out, has definitely not]. the desire to love someone and be loved in return has crept up inside me like some sort of monster that won't go away. i'm 19 years old and i've never been kissed [or been in a relationship for that matter]. i realize i'm not the only person who's in this situation, but it's still no fun. i love all of my friends to death and i've made a ton of new friends this year, but there's still a void there that can't be filled with friends. i think we all have this void until someone comes along to fill it. it's not like i've become a pile of broken pieces, waiting for someone to put me back together, i'm just starting to realize that it'd be really nice to have someone, a significant other, in my life right now.

i've said before that i didn't want to have a relationship in college because it allows people to spend way too much time together, which isn't like the real world. living in the dorms allows people to practically live together and spend every waking minute with one another. it's not a realistic situation. even if you move in together after college, you'll have jobs and won't see each other every hour of the day. i just don't want to be in a relationship that commands all of my attention or forces me to cut off time spent with friends.

i trust God's timing, and while i really felt like this was going to be the year, apparently i was wrong. who knows - maybe god thinks i'm not ready for a relationship. or maybe the man God has for me isn't ready for a relationship. there's a thousand possible reasons as to why God hasn't blessed me with a man yet. we all think we know how to run our lives, but in the end, God knows what's best. in seasons of life when things aren't happening the way we want, it's hard to just trust God and keep living your life. i'm trying my hardest, and obviously failing epically.

i've been listening to death cab's 'narrow stairs' non-stop for the last few days. it is a really great album that i highly recommend. i haven't even gotten all the way through it because i find myself listening to the first six songs over and over again. My favorite song right now is "Cath..." it's brilliant.

i've worn my hair curly the last few days. i forgot how weird it is, and annoying. i can't run my fingers through it without completely ruining it, and it gets frizzy when i take a nap during the day...so, it basically all around sucks, except for the fact that it takes a lot less time to do. i much prefer it straight. i've also been realizing lately that i miss my dark hair. i think i'll change it back soon.

i'm going home tomorrow night. the maine is playing in seattle on friday night with every avenue, mayday parade, and all time low. unfortunately, the show sold out and i forgot to buy tickets before that happened. me and emilie are driving all the way home, just holding out hope that someone will be there selling tickets. i'm a little bit worried. if we don't end up being able to get tickets, i'll be really sad, but it's not the end of the world. it'll definitely be an amazing show for sure, but there'll be other tours. we're at least going to see the maine because they are playing at the wet seal in southcenter at 3 pm. at least we'll have that. i'm still holding out hope and praying like no other.

i still feel sick.