always thinking about something, contemplating, brewing.

sometimes i wish my brain had an on/off switch. it's constantly working, like a diligent machine. unfortunately, it's a machine that never turns off, never takes a break. and because of that, it's starting to wear down a bit. even while i'm supposed to be sleeping, i'm still thinking. last night night i wasn't tired, for some reason unbeknown to me. i finally decided around 1:30 am that i should at least get into bed and try to fall asleep. i did have to wake at 6:30, afterall. last time i looked at the clock, it was 2:30 in the morning. i fell asleep some point after that, but proceeded to wake up every hour until it was finally time to get up. the weirdest part? i wasn't tired when i woke up. however, around 2 pm, it hit me like a ton of bricks. i then took a two hour nap. and now, here i am at 12:45 in the morning. not tired.

all this to say, i wish i could just stop for a while and sleep. i mean really sleep. my mind is always thinking about something, contemplating, brewing.

my eyes are straining to focus at the moment, and i should've known this would happen. i read 92 pages straight without getting up or looking around. i sat in the corner of the coffee shop, curled up by the fireplace and read for a couple hours - with a vanilla latte in tow, naturally. it was simply blissful, but now my eyes aren't working quite properly. the book's called "the will of god as a way of life" by jerry sittser. he's a prof here at whitworth and i had heard good things about the book. i ordered it on amazon a while ago, and it finally arrived today. i had no homework, so i decided to spend some time reading today, and it was wonderful. it's already helping put things in perspective for me. i've heard so many people say "do the will of God..." or "follow God's will..." but no one really explains what that means. this book is doing that for me.

the book emphasizes the fact that we should not focus on the future, but rather on the daily tasks that may seem mundane. if we can seek God first in those tasks, the future will take care of itself. it's nearly impossible for me to not think about and dwell on the future. it's all most of us think about. why do i work so hard for good grades? so i can get a good job later. why do we cultivate relationships now? to eventually get married and have kids. in fact, i find that thoughts of what my future might entail comandeer my mind on a regular basis. why is that? why can't we ever just be content to enjoy now?

my eyes are finally starting to get tired but my mind is still fully awake. it's a never ending battle between body and mind.