some things have hurt me. some have healed me.

so often i find myself thinking about the world around me. i feel so small and insignificant. and i wonder, has God really orchestrated my life to be this way? did he set things in motion in just this way on purpose? every encounter i've had with a stranger on the street, every decision i've made, is it all part of a plan? is it all leading up to something? i couldn't help think about this when i was wondering why things happen exactly the way they do. all the various interactions i've had with certain people - what was their purpose? was that one fleeting moment of eye contact the last i'll see of that person? was that one random meeting for nothing?

i've always been the quiet thinker type. i process everything until i can't process it any more. lately, i just can't let go of the fact that i have no idea why things happen the way they do. especially the bad things. i often think about my car accident. i'll have a reminder of that day for the rest of my life. i just went to my hand surgeon again after i was having pains in my arm that went down into my thumb and fingers, and my thumb has been causing me pain. he said that as far as seriousness of fractures, mine was 9 out of 10. i don't know if he tried to sugar coat it before to try not to scare me, but i didn't realize it was that bad. he said that some people with fractures that bad will have pain for the rest of their lives just due to the nature of the fracture. great. i will literally take the consequence of the accident with me for the rest of my life. what purpose did that serve? i'm still waiting to find out. it's weird that it's been almost two years since my accident. it feels like it was just yesterday.

i realize that some things i've experienced have made me a stronger person. some things have hurt me. some have healed me. it's all a part of life, i suppose.

i honestly never thought i would miss spokane, but...

i've been neglecting this since i got home from school. why? because i have nothing of interest to report. well, except for the fact that i went down to california for a few days to visit alissa and then drive up to seattle with rachel. i mean, i suppose i did go to disneyland and california adventure with alissa, which was so much fun. we only got to go for a day, but it was awesome. we missed some of the good rides, but still got to do most of my favorites. the matterhorn at night time? heck yes! so anyway, after spending almost a week with alissa, rachel met up with us and we began the drive home at around 5 pm in santa barbara, with the plan to drive through the night or stop for a quick nap somewhere if necessary. unfortunately, we broke down in roseburg, OR around 6 AM after hitting something in the road. a tow truck, a really interesting afternoon, one night in roseburg, and $500 later, we were finally on our way back home. i was glad to finally be home...at first.

i have now applied to 11 different stores. none of them have called me back. so, basically i've just been sitting at home doing a whole lot of nothing. i still haven't fully unpacked all my stuff from school. maybe it's because i just don't want to accept that i'm home for the summer.

i honestly never thought i would miss spokane, but this summer has proved me wrong. i don't necessarily miss the city, just certain things about it. for one, i really miss whitworth - the people, the campus, the coffee shop, people playing frisbee in the loop. also, i find myself missing certain places like dutch bros, the empyrean, didiers, the service station, the onion, old european breakfast house, riverfront park, and manito park. it's a really odd feeling for me, considering my normal distaste for all things about spokane. i think it also has to do with the fact that me being in spokane means school, which means having a schedule and being productive, and also seeing friends. having nothing to do and no schedule to keep to is fun for a few days, but i've been at this for a few weeks now, and it's getting really old. i feel useless, and i hate that. i have no reason to wake up at a decent hour, so i usually get up around ten. and by the time i actually get showered and dressed, the day's half gone - not that i have anything to do anyway.

i'm also going to dye my hair again soon, and hopefully get it cut. it's so long right now! i can't stand it. it's probably grown an inch and a half since i colored it or got i cut, so all the layers are growing out, and the roots on the blond part underneath have grown out soooo much. it's yucky. i'm not quite sure yet what color/colors i'm going to dye it this time. i want something fun and funky, so i'm thinking reddish chunks? we'll see.

on another note, i got to see two of my favorite bands in may - owl city and the classic crime. oh, and relient K, but they're not my favorite. it was my first time seeing owl city and they were fantastic. super awkward, but super cute. and good live. i've lost count of how many times i've seen tcc. but let's just say, it's enough that i can predict that he'll say next. aha. i went with my sisters, which was really fun. we haven't done anything like that together in a long time.

i spent today getting my room in order. finally! now i can breathe easy in here.

the 'show me' state.

i find that i question everything in life. i don't take anything on the word of others. growing up, my mother would tell me that i should live in missouri because it's the "show me" state. i always want evidence. is that a good thing? to want proof of what i'm being told? i'm not so sure.

see, i've realized lately - over the last few months, that i have a really hard time trusting people. not just those close to me, but anyone at all. the last week of classes, i was stressing out about a group project i had to do. i just couldn't put enough trust in some stranger to get his part of the project done and to do it at the same level as i would. in the end, i wound up completing the entire project on my own, mostly because this joker i had for partner did absolutely nothing, even when i did try to include him in what i was doing.

maybe the reason i have such a hard time trusting others is because i'm afraid of getting hurt or let down. if i don't put faith in someone, and trust they'll keep their word, then i won't be disappointed when they don't. i think it's a form of self-preservation that i have, however subconscious it may be.

or maybe i've recently lost my trust in others because my trust has been violated in a way that i couldn't recover from. for a long time, i thought i was pretty trusting of others - too trusting at times. and in the end, it cost me. it hurt me. people failed me and broke that trust.

i don't think that my trust issue is a bad one, though. in fact, i think it helps weed out the people in my life that maybe shouldn't be there. the true friends from the friends. the people that care from the people that look like they care.

i guess the problem isn't really with ones that i'm close to, it just takes me a really long time to trust someone once i meet them. which, i think to an extent, is true for everyone...it's just exaggerated a little in my case.