some things have hurt me. some have healed me.

so often i find myself thinking about the world around me. i feel so small and insignificant. and i wonder, has God really orchestrated my life to be this way? did he set things in motion in just this way on purpose? every encounter i've had with a stranger on the street, every decision i've made, is it all part of a plan? is it all leading up to something? i couldn't help think about this when i was wondering why things happen exactly the way they do. all the various interactions i've had with certain people - what was their purpose? was that one fleeting moment of eye contact the last i'll see of that person? was that one random meeting for nothing?

i've always been the quiet thinker type. i process everything until i can't process it any more. lately, i just can't let go of the fact that i have no idea why things happen the way they do. especially the bad things. i often think about my car accident. i'll have a reminder of that day for the rest of my life. i just went to my hand surgeon again after i was having pains in my arm that went down into my thumb and fingers, and my thumb has been causing me pain. he said that as far as seriousness of fractures, mine was 9 out of 10. i don't know if he tried to sugar coat it before to try not to scare me, but i didn't realize it was that bad. he said that some people with fractures that bad will have pain for the rest of their lives just due to the nature of the fracture. great. i will literally take the consequence of the accident with me for the rest of my life. what purpose did that serve? i'm still waiting to find out. it's weird that it's been almost two years since my accident. it feels like it was just yesterday.

i realize that some things i've experienced have made me a stronger person. some things have hurt me. some have healed me. it's all a part of life, i suppose.