the 'show me' state.

i find that i question everything in life. i don't take anything on the word of others. growing up, my mother would tell me that i should live in missouri because it's the "show me" state. i always want evidence. is that a good thing? to want proof of what i'm being told? i'm not so sure.

see, i've realized lately - over the last few months, that i have a really hard time trusting people. not just those close to me, but anyone at all. the last week of classes, i was stressing out about a group project i had to do. i just couldn't put enough trust in some stranger to get his part of the project done and to do it at the same level as i would. in the end, i wound up completing the entire project on my own, mostly because this joker i had for partner did absolutely nothing, even when i did try to include him in what i was doing.

maybe the reason i have such a hard time trusting others is because i'm afraid of getting hurt or let down. if i don't put faith in someone, and trust they'll keep their word, then i won't be disappointed when they don't. i think it's a form of self-preservation that i have, however subconscious it may be.

or maybe i've recently lost my trust in others because my trust has been violated in a way that i couldn't recover from. for a long time, i thought i was pretty trusting of others - too trusting at times. and in the end, it cost me. it hurt me. people failed me and broke that trust.

i don't think that my trust issue is a bad one, though. in fact, i think it helps weed out the people in my life that maybe shouldn't be there. the true friends from the friends. the people that care from the people that look like they care.

i guess the problem isn't really with ones that i'm close to, it just takes me a really long time to trust someone once i meet them. which, i think to an extent, is true for everyone...it's just exaggerated a little in my case.