my "friends" on facebook are not actually my friends.

i'm starting to realize that the majority of my "friends" on facebook are not actually my friends. they're mostly acquaintances from college or old friends from high school that i no longer correspond with. some of the people that i'm "friends" with that go to whitworth don't even say hi to me when they see me on campus (though, i'm just as guilty as they are). can i really consider someone i met one time and won't even wave at in the cafeteria a "friend"? it's a weird realization for me. i've never been the type that had a lot of friends. my phone was never ringing off the hook and my calendar was never jam-packed with social events. i usually have a small core group that i get to know really well and stick with them for a long time. of course, there are always people outside that group that i consider to be my friends, but they're no more than people to talk to or eat lunch with. i would not go to them for advice or even to hang out if i'm bored. and when i think about how many friends i actually have, there aren't very many. i guess that's just my personality. i can get along with pretty much anyone. i'm super welcoming and i really do like meeting new people, it just takes a long time for me to get to know a person well enough to consider them a close friend.

there's a part of me that wishes i was just friends with everyone - that my phone would be ringing off the hook with people trying to talk to me and hang out. but on the other hand, i am a pretty independent person. as much as i love being with friends, i need a good amount of alone time if i want to function properly. i need time to think through things and just be. or maybe i just hate feeling too busy and rushed. when you've got so many people to spend time with, how can you ever really focus on the person you're with, when you're only thinking about how you're seeing someone else in two hours?

or maybe it's a trust thing. maybe i don't get close to people for a long time because i don't trust them yet. while on the other side of that, if a friend breaks my trust after i've let my walls down, it's the worst thing in the world.

it's just weird to step back and look at my life. i have a hundred acquaintances and a very few good friends that i would trust my life with. and i think i like it that way?