In a constant state of over-rest.

What am I doing? I honestly don't know.

Since the day I got home from school for the summer, I've felt absolutely useless. I haven't been lazy in applying to jobs. My count is now up to 21, not including the 5 internships I applied to. I've still had no luck on that front, not even an interview. It's to the point now that even if a place did call, would they hire me knowing I'm leaving in just two short months to go back to school in Spokane? It's highly unlikely. Most places don't want to hire "temporary" workers, and two months is extremely temporary.

I suppose I just feel pretty down about life in general right now. I want to have a job, responsibilities, a schedule, a reason to get out of bed in the morning (or rather, afternoon, as it's been recently). I did get a gym membership, so that's at least given me something productive to do in all of my free time. I've been sleeping in until 1PM, simply because I have no motivation or reason to wake up any earlier. And here I sit, close to 3AM. My body is slowly shifting its awake hours. I didn't go to sleep until 4:15AM last night. I'm tired during the day, but once it gets time to actually go to bed, I'm not sleepy. I think that maybe I'm in a constant state of over-rest, simply because my body is used to functioning on less than 5 or 6 hours of sleep during the school year.

It's a lot harder to be home that I thought it'd be. Before summer started, I hadn't fully realized or come to terms with the fact that most of my friends would be gone. Currently, I have one friend that's home (and one more who's only gone for the weekend). The one friend that is home hasn't returned my texts. It's not so bad to have alone time, at least for the most part. It gives me a lot of time to think and just meditate on life. My issue with the alone time really doesn't surface until the weekend. It's mostly due to knowing that while most people are out on the town with friends, I'm completely alone. And of course my parents invite me to do things with them, and sometimes I agree. Last weekend we saw Toy Story 3. But sometimes, I just can't bear to spend time with them, because it just reminds me of how few friends I truly have. Tonight, I opted to spend my evening alone instead of going to Alki with them. I ended up driving to Capitol Hill to Bauhaus for a nice latte and a good view. I spent a couple hours there reading, people-watching, and enjoying the sunset over the space needle. Even though I was alone, I felt happier doing that than hanging with the 'rents. I think maybe it's because at least I was out in a place around people my own age, even if I wasn't actually with those people.

Summer seems to be ticking by at an almost painstakingly slow rate. It feels like no time has passed at all. But on the other hand, it's almost July, which means only two months left. I'm going to be housesitting for the first full week of July, so that'll keep me busy and break up my boring routine for a little while. Also, my birthday is coming soon. I'm actually trying really hard not to think about that though. Why, you ask? Because in all honesty, I have a feeling it's going to be a pretty miserable birthday. Who knows, maybe life will surprise me, but I have a horrible feeling about it. None of my friends are going to be here. My sister's at least going to take me out to a bar or two, and I'll probably go out to dinner with my family, but no "21 run" for me. And honestly, I don't want to get super smashed on my birthday like some people do, but I wish I'd at least have some friends around. I should be used to it by now. Having a birthday the day after a holiday has always prevented me from celebrating like most people. Too many vacations are planned around the 4th of July for me to ever have all of my friends around. Some "friends" forgot my birthday last year, and I fear that it's going to happen again. My birthday is something I should be excited about, but I'm almost dreading it.

I suppose I'll just have to keep plugging along like I've been doing until Summer's over. I should be happy to have all of this time to relax without a job, but I'd love to feel a sense of purpose in waking up in the morning. I'd much rather be working full time or even part time. I have to believe there's a reason why my summer is turning out this way. I have to believe that.

We were in the middle of the waves.

I’m utterly scared about life right now. I just found out that I didn’t get the internship that I interviewed for a couple weeks ago. I don’t feel too horrible about it, considering I beat out over 150 people, but it still sucks. I mean, I wasn’t relying on that happening, but that was the closest I’ve come to finding work this summer. The record labels that I sent my resume and cover letters to haven’t even responded. I haven’t heard back from any more of the 14 other places I applied to. At this point, I’m just not sure what to do. I suppose I could call back the retail places and see if they have any openings right now. Interning would still be the best thing though! I guess I’m just going to have to play things by ear. The worst thing would be to just repeat last summer and not have any work at all.

These last few months have been pretty rough. The more time that goes by, the more I realize how much I need to be going to church on a regular basis. I haven’t gone consistently since November, and I can see the negative effects of it on my life. It’s hard because I don’t really have a home church any more. I stopped going to my mom’s church (also the church I grew up in) during high school, which is also when I started going to Generation Church. That was perfect for me for a time, but I never felt completely comfortable there. I felt like I couldn’t be myself, couldn’t be honest about my faults. It seemed like everyone there was some sort of perfect Christian with no life issues. The real truth is that no one is perfect. It was utterly frustrating. So now I’m back to square one, and looking for the right church is a huge task. I’ve been going to school in Spokane for three years now and still have yet to find a place that’s just right for me. I’m only home for the summer, so I’m not extremely hopeful that I’ll find something.

The reason I know that I need to start going back is because of how doubtful I’ve been recently. Not doubtful of God’s existence by any means. I can look outside and know that He exists. It’s more just a doubt of His love for me, doubt that He really does have some sort of plan for my life, and most of all a doubt that He’s always with me. I’ve felt so alone for a while now, so alone. You know those times where you literally just cry out “God, where are you?” and don’t get an answer? Yeah...that’s been happening a lot lately. We’re supposed to trust Him with our everything, give up all our worries and stresses, and depend on Him. How can I trust someone who is never here? Who never answers my desperate calls? This is why I need to go to church again. I miss the days of feeling content in Him, because right now, my life is nowhere near content.

It does feel pretty nice to be home for the summer, I must admit. Me and my sister went to Sasquatch this last weekend, which was amazing. Well, actually, we went on saturday, drove home Saturday night, went to folklife on Sunday, drove back to Sasquatch Monday morning, then drove home again on Monday night. It was pretty insane. It was totally worth it though, because we got to see some fantastic bands. Mumford and Sons was one of my favorites for sure. I’ve been really into them for a while now, and they were great live! Also, Vampire Weekend was amazing. They were the last band we saw on Saturday night. They played on the mainstage and we ended up getting pretty close and and in the middle. Everyone was dancing - myself included (WHAT?!), and they were so fun live! I wasn’t too crazy about them before that, but now I pretty much am. I can’t stop listening to them. I can’t stop.

Monday was pretty fun as well. We saw Passion Pit, which was absolutely insane. We were pretty close to the front, but once they started playing, the crowd got so crazy. It was basically a sea of people, and we were in the middle of the waves. It was crazier than any rock or metal concert I’ve been to, and I’ve seen some intense mosh pits. We lost an unopened rock star in the midst of it that had cost seven dollars! After about three songs, we decided to jump ship and just move back a little ways so that we could actually see, have room to dance around, and actually enjoy the show. Once we did that, it was great. After that, we saw She & Him, which was really fun! It was weird seeing Zooey Deschanel close up like that, after seeing her in movies and stuff. Her voice is great. Then, we were going to watch Band of Horses, but we ended up missing about half of their set because we were waiting in line for food. We were still able to see quite a bit of it though, which was good. Then, the last of the day for us was MGMT. I have to say, they were not that great live. They were actually pretty boring, apart from the two songs that everyone went crazy on - Electric Feel and Kids. They played Kids last, and it was so epic. Everyone was dancing around and it was raining. I think that’s the most I’ve danced at a show...ever. Normally I don’t dance, but in that situation, I just couldn’t help it. It was the absolute perfect way to end a great weekend.

As of right now, I don’t know what else this summer holds for me. Hopefully a job soon. There are a lot of shows I want to go to that are coming up...some that I absolutely must go to. For starters, Oceans has their first show in a couple weeks. This band is made up of Ryry and Aaron (ex-Vision & Valor/Holyfield/Tysen), Mike & Devin (ex-Moneta) and one guy I don’t know. At this point, I have no idea what they sound like, I just know that it’s going to be amazing. Plus, they’re playing with The Classic Crime, who I of course, love more than anything. It’s at Showbox Sodo. So, way to go Oceans - they get to have their very first show at a huge venue! Also, I turn 21 in just over one month, and I can’t wait! It’ll be so nice to sit in the bar at shows instead of dealing with the high schoolers and everything.

Summer will likely bring some surprises, and I can’t wait!