In a constant state of over-rest.

What am I doing? I honestly don't know.

Since the day I got home from school for the summer, I've felt absolutely useless. I haven't been lazy in applying to jobs. My count is now up to 21, not including the 5 internships I applied to. I've still had no luck on that front, not even an interview. It's to the point now that even if a place did call, would they hire me knowing I'm leaving in just two short months to go back to school in Spokane? It's highly unlikely. Most places don't want to hire "temporary" workers, and two months is extremely temporary.

I suppose I just feel pretty down about life in general right now. I want to have a job, responsibilities, a schedule, a reason to get out of bed in the morning (or rather, afternoon, as it's been recently). I did get a gym membership, so that's at least given me something productive to do in all of my free time. I've been sleeping in until 1PM, simply because I have no motivation or reason to wake up any earlier. And here I sit, close to 3AM. My body is slowly shifting its awake hours. I didn't go to sleep until 4:15AM last night. I'm tired during the day, but once it gets time to actually go to bed, I'm not sleepy. I think that maybe I'm in a constant state of over-rest, simply because my body is used to functioning on less than 5 or 6 hours of sleep during the school year.

It's a lot harder to be home that I thought it'd be. Before summer started, I hadn't fully realized or come to terms with the fact that most of my friends would be gone. Currently, I have one friend that's home (and one more who's only gone for the weekend). The one friend that is home hasn't returned my texts. It's not so bad to have alone time, at least for the most part. It gives me a lot of time to think and just meditate on life. My issue with the alone time really doesn't surface until the weekend. It's mostly due to knowing that while most people are out on the town with friends, I'm completely alone. And of course my parents invite me to do things with them, and sometimes I agree. Last weekend we saw Toy Story 3. But sometimes, I just can't bear to spend time with them, because it just reminds me of how few friends I truly have. Tonight, I opted to spend my evening alone instead of going to Alki with them. I ended up driving to Capitol Hill to Bauhaus for a nice latte and a good view. I spent a couple hours there reading, people-watching, and enjoying the sunset over the space needle. Even though I was alone, I felt happier doing that than hanging with the 'rents. I think maybe it's because at least I was out in a place around people my own age, even if I wasn't actually with those people.

Summer seems to be ticking by at an almost painstakingly slow rate. It feels like no time has passed at all. But on the other hand, it's almost July, which means only two months left. I'm going to be housesitting for the first full week of July, so that'll keep me busy and break up my boring routine for a little while. Also, my birthday is coming soon. I'm actually trying really hard not to think about that though. Why, you ask? Because in all honesty, I have a feeling it's going to be a pretty miserable birthday. Who knows, maybe life will surprise me, but I have a horrible feeling about it. None of my friends are going to be here. My sister's at least going to take me out to a bar or two, and I'll probably go out to dinner with my family, but no "21 run" for me. And honestly, I don't want to get super smashed on my birthday like some people do, but I wish I'd at least have some friends around. I should be used to it by now. Having a birthday the day after a holiday has always prevented me from celebrating like most people. Too many vacations are planned around the 4th of July for me to ever have all of my friends around. Some "friends" forgot my birthday last year, and I fear that it's going to happen again. My birthday is something I should be excited about, but I'm almost dreading it.

I suppose I'll just have to keep plugging along like I've been doing until Summer's over. I should be happy to have all of this time to relax without a job, but I'd love to feel a sense of purpose in waking up in the morning. I'd much rather be working full time or even part time. I have to believe there's a reason why my summer is turning out this way. I have to believe that.