We were in the middle of the waves.

I’m utterly scared about life right now. I just found out that I didn’t get the internship that I interviewed for a couple weeks ago. I don’t feel too horrible about it, considering I beat out over 150 people, but it still sucks. I mean, I wasn’t relying on that happening, but that was the closest I’ve come to finding work this summer. The record labels that I sent my resume and cover letters to haven’t even responded. I haven’t heard back from any more of the 14 other places I applied to. At this point, I’m just not sure what to do. I suppose I could call back the retail places and see if they have any openings right now. Interning would still be the best thing though! I guess I’m just going to have to play things by ear. The worst thing would be to just repeat last summer and not have any work at all.

These last few months have been pretty rough. The more time that goes by, the more I realize how much I need to be going to church on a regular basis. I haven’t gone consistently since November, and I can see the negative effects of it on my life. It’s hard because I don’t really have a home church any more. I stopped going to my mom’s church (also the church I grew up in) during high school, which is also when I started going to Generation Church. That was perfect for me for a time, but I never felt completely comfortable there. I felt like I couldn’t be myself, couldn’t be honest about my faults. It seemed like everyone there was some sort of perfect Christian with no life issues. The real truth is that no one is perfect. It was utterly frustrating. So now I’m back to square one, and looking for the right church is a huge task. I’ve been going to school in Spokane for three years now and still have yet to find a place that’s just right for me. I’m only home for the summer, so I’m not extremely hopeful that I’ll find something.

The reason I know that I need to start going back is because of how doubtful I’ve been recently. Not doubtful of God’s existence by any means. I can look outside and know that He exists. It’s more just a doubt of His love for me, doubt that He really does have some sort of plan for my life, and most of all a doubt that He’s always with me. I’ve felt so alone for a while now, so alone. You know those times where you literally just cry out “God, where are you?” and don’t get an answer? Yeah...that’s been happening a lot lately. We’re supposed to trust Him with our everything, give up all our worries and stresses, and depend on Him. How can I trust someone who is never here? Who never answers my desperate calls? This is why I need to go to church again. I miss the days of feeling content in Him, because right now, my life is nowhere near content.

It does feel pretty nice to be home for the summer, I must admit. Me and my sister went to Sasquatch this last weekend, which was amazing. Well, actually, we went on saturday, drove home Saturday night, went to folklife on Sunday, drove back to Sasquatch Monday morning, then drove home again on Monday night. It was pretty insane. It was totally worth it though, because we got to see some fantastic bands. Mumford and Sons was one of my favorites for sure. I’ve been really into them for a while now, and they were great live! Also, Vampire Weekend was amazing. They were the last band we saw on Saturday night. They played on the mainstage and we ended up getting pretty close and and in the middle. Everyone was dancing - myself included (WHAT?!), and they were so fun live! I wasn’t too crazy about them before that, but now I pretty much am. I can’t stop listening to them. I can’t stop.

Monday was pretty fun as well. We saw Passion Pit, which was absolutely insane. We were pretty close to the front, but once they started playing, the crowd got so crazy. It was basically a sea of people, and we were in the middle of the waves. It was crazier than any rock or metal concert I’ve been to, and I’ve seen some intense mosh pits. We lost an unopened rock star in the midst of it that had cost seven dollars! After about three songs, we decided to jump ship and just move back a little ways so that we could actually see, have room to dance around, and actually enjoy the show. Once we did that, it was great. After that, we saw She & Him, which was really fun! It was weird seeing Zooey Deschanel close up like that, after seeing her in movies and stuff. Her voice is great. Then, we were going to watch Band of Horses, but we ended up missing about half of their set because we were waiting in line for food. We were still able to see quite a bit of it though, which was good. Then, the last of the day for us was MGMT. I have to say, they were not that great live. They were actually pretty boring, apart from the two songs that everyone went crazy on - Electric Feel and Kids. They played Kids last, and it was so epic. Everyone was dancing around and it was raining. I think that’s the most I’ve danced at a show...ever. Normally I don’t dance, but in that situation, I just couldn’t help it. It was the absolute perfect way to end a great weekend.

As of right now, I don’t know what else this summer holds for me. Hopefully a job soon. There are a lot of shows I want to go to that are coming up...some that I absolutely must go to. For starters, Oceans has their first show in a couple weeks. This band is made up of Ryry and Aaron (ex-Vision & Valor/Holyfield/Tysen), Mike & Devin (ex-Moneta) and one guy I don’t know. At this point, I have no idea what they sound like, I just know that it’s going to be amazing. Plus, they’re playing with The Classic Crime, who I of course, love more than anything. It’s at Showbox Sodo. So, way to go Oceans - they get to have their very first show at a huge venue! Also, I turn 21 in just over one month, and I can’t wait! It’ll be so nice to sit in the bar at shows instead of dealing with the high schoolers and everything.

Summer will likely bring some surprises, and I can’t wait!