I won't stop until I'm old and can't dream any more.

I have a feeling I'm going to regret taking that two and a half hour nap this evening. It's after one in the morning and I am wide awake. I don't know why I do this to myself.

Tomorrow is Friday, and in one week from tomorrow, I will be on my way home back to beautiful Seattle for two weeks. The Christmas spirit is finally starting to overcome me, and I couldn't be happier. This is my favorite time of year, and not because of presents. The decorations, the lights, the music, the warm sweaters and scarves, the trees and how they smell, the home-cooked meals, the happiness all around, all make this my favorite time of year. Christmas also means time with family and people I care about. It also means a break from school, which is especially welcome after a stressful last few weeks of the semester and finals.

I have also recently decided that the only day of the year that it is acceptable to snow on is Christmas day. There is just something magical about waking up on Christmas morning to look out your window and see the lovely Washington evergreens covered in a light blanket of white powder. There's no where to go, and I can sit with my family around the fireplace with the dogs sleeping by our sides, open presents, and enjoy the day in my pajamas. Of course, if it continues to snow for the next few days, this is not an ideal situation. but, it is acceptable.

I'm just so ready to be back home, in a place that feels right. I must admit that Spokane has grown on me, but Seattle has always, and will always be home to me. Though Spokane works for a while, a little part of me is always longing for home. This is especially true around the holidays. I absolutely cannot imagine being anywhere else this time of year.

The semester is waning, which my mind can't quite wrap itself around. Where have the last three months gone? because they're all a blur in my mind, and I can't slow the time down enough to actually see any part of it. I don't know if this is good or bad. There are some parts that I wish would just glaze over in my memory, but refuse to do so, and ultimately stick out like reminders of mistakes that simply won't abandon me. Other parts seem like fleeting moments that I wish would stick to my memory like superglue. In the end, I know can't take back any mistakes I have made, so I am determined to learn something from them. That's the point of making them, right? To learn? Sometimes I'd rather have not made them in the first place, and just learn to do the right thing by doing it the first time around. But life will never work that way. It wasn't designed to work that way.

Somehow I know it'll all work out in the end. But at the same time, I think about some of my dreams and wonder how in the world they'll ever come true. Even with an insane amount of hard work, chances are still slim. Things would have to fall into place just right, and how often does that happen - for anyone, but especially for someone like me with chronic bad luck? But I still keep dreaming. hoping. and I won't stop until I'm old and can't dream any more. I feel like I'm always looking forward to something that will hopefully happen at some point. I'm rarely in the now, rarely enjoying my current situation. There's almost always some place I'd rather be, some person I'd rather be with, some situation I'd much rather be in. Why is that? Why can't I ever just be happy with now? I don't think this is how it's supposed to be.

Maybe I just dream too much. I often find myself lost in daydreams and have to snap myself out of it. Where did I just spend the last fifteen minutes? Not in my statistics class or focusing on my business law reading or listening to the conversation someone is trying have with me, that's for certain. I spent them somewhere far away. Somewhere past or future, or somewhere that's neither - somewhere in some time that will never come to be, as much as I try to wish it into existence. So I end up reluctantly returning to the here and now, the moment that has come to be. and I accept it.

It's hard to sit and wait for dreams to come true. And I'm not talking about the outlandish dreams that will most likely never come to fruition. I'm talking about the normal dreams, like cooking dinner in my own apartment, walking down the aisle, sitting at my desk at my future job, or driving a car I've purchased with my own money. I suppose some of these things may never happen, though I fervently hope they do. And I wait for them.

I must try to work on enjoying my now. It's not like I'm an unhappy person, in fact, it's quite the opposite. I don't hate what I have now, I just know that there's more in store for me. More is coming. But God also said to not worry about tomorrow. I like The Message's translation best. "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes" Matthew 6:34. I will try my hardest to obey.

I like wishful thinking, at least for a while.

I just finished writing an essay on social media, which made me want to come blog, even though I have nothing exciting to blog about.

Thanksgiving provided me with a much needed break for a few days. I was nearly losing my mind having not had a break all semester. I promised myself I wasn't going to do any homework or studying over break, and I kept that promise. Admittedly, it wasn't very hard to do. I was able to get my hair cut and colored while I was home, which was so nice! It's really short right now, but it has some red it in and I'm loving it. Plus, it's extremely manageable when it is short like this. I was able to go to bauhaus twice while I was home, though I didn't make it to victor's at all. At least I'll be home again in less than two weeks so I can go then. I went shopping on black friday for the first time. fail or win? Well, it was a lot crazier than I expected, but I found some good deals, so I think it was worth it in the end. Also, I was able to go back to slave to the needle to get a shorter stud for my monroe which was much needed. Now it doesn't stick out awkwardly or catch on my gum, which was extremely annoying. Thanksgiving meal was satisfying, though it's never been my favorite. I don't really like turkey, or the whole concept of eating one giant meal and then feeling lazy the rest of the day. It was still fun though, and my family watched White Christmas like we do every year. I mostly like Thanksgiving because it is the beginning of the Christmas season for my family. I don't allow myself to listen to Christmas music until then, so it's very exciting to be able to break out the holiday tunes finally. Listening to Christmas music while studying helps to motivate me and remind me that I only have to tough it out for a couple more weeks until I'm home in lovely Seattle again.

Of course, the fact that I have two weeks left is a very daunting prospect at this point in time. This is mostly because I have two major projects, in addition to multiple tests and papers - not including the finals that at the end of all that. I'd much rather have a month in which to complete all of this work, but I have just over two weeks. Both of my projects are due on Tuesday, which means this weekend is going to be hell. Maybe I'll get lucky, and they'll actually be super easy. I like wishful thinking, at least for a while. It keeps me sane, makes me able to take things one day, one step at a time. I am so ready for these classes to be over though. Well, for the most part. I hate my probability and statistics and physics classes, but I absolutely love my publicity and consumer behavior classes. Unfortunately, my hatred for physics outweighs and good feelings I have towards other classes. I can't wait for it to be over. I'm just praying that I'll pass. I'm not too worried.

I have already done some of my Christmas shopping, which is kind of a miracle. I already know what I'm getting for my sister, and then I only have a few more presents to get. I'm normally so behind on all this, so I'm feeling good. My break doesn't start until December 18th this year, when it's normally much earlier than that, so I only have a few days to make my last minute present purchases. Oh, and my sister wants me to play guitar for her to sing at the Christmas Eve service at my mom's church. I kind of want to throw up thinking about it. I haven't played guitar in front of more than eight people, so thinking of getting up in front of hundreds makes me sick. I hate performing, but I know it will be rewarding in the end. It doesn't help that I pressured my sister to figure out exactly what we were going to play when we were home for Thanksgiving and it's still not set in stone. So, we're going to have about five days to rehearse and get it down completely before we have to perform in front of hundreds of people. kill me, please.

I feel kind of bad that I'm writing this in the coffee shop right now (while listening to Forever The Sickest Kids' new EP, which is amazing, by the way!). There ig a guy sitting right next to me at the bar with all of the stools, despite the fact that there were at least ten open chairs along the bar. I feel like it's kind of weird to choose to sit right next to someone when there are that many open seats, especially since I had books and stuff spread around me to work on my essay. So, back to the reason I feel bad. I have typed this whole thing, and my keys are not very quiet. It's not like I'm pounding on them, but they do click kind of obnoxiously and I'm typing quite fast. I'm afraid I am bothering him. But, let's be honest, if he's annoyed, it's his own fault for awkwardly choosing to sit right next to me when all of the other seats were empty.

I haven't been to a show in a while, especially one that I might consider a "high energy" show. I've been dying to see Artist vs Poet again, but they haven't come up to the northwest recently. I miss going to shows all the time, especially since I went to so many over the summer. I have gone to quite a few since the semester started, but not a lot of upbeat ones. I'm hoping I'll get to see The Classic Crime over Christmas break. They're playing at the showbox on december 18th, which is the first day of break. I'm just praying I'll get home in time to go. I pretty much have to go because, well, it's The Classic Crime, and because they are playing with Moneta! I haven't seen Moneta in almost a year and a half. This makes me so sad. But at the same time, I am kind of angry with them right now. Apparently two members left the band - two original members, who I used to get tickets from. In fact, I still have their numbers in my cell phone haha. There was no kind of announcement on the band myspace or anything - new pictures were pasted over theirs. It just upsets me that they'd treat the situation with such nonchalance. But, I do still love them, so I'm willing to give the new line-up a chance.

I only have 16 days until I am home again for two weeks. I can't wait to get out of this cold for a while. It is truly horrific!

It's like chocolate in my mouth.

There are only a few more days until I get to go home for thanksgiving break! I leave Tuesday morning and don't come back to Spokane until Sunday. It is the perfect length of break - not too long, but not too short - enough time to do everything I want to do, but not enough time to get bored.

I had a physics test on Friday that I had been worrying about all week. I studied extremely hard and felt well-prepared. Unfortunately, the test included questions that I didn't study at all. There was one question that I had no idea how to do. I wasn't even just confused, I was lost. There's no doubt in my mind that I completely failed. I probably got about %30, judging by the way my professor grades the tests. I'm not exaggerating. Oh well, it's over now and there's nothing I can do, so I'm just not going to worry about it any more. Luckily, I have nothing major due on Monday, and I'm not going to any classes on Tuesday, so I can cruise right into break.

This will be the first time that Rebecca and I will be making the Spokane-Seattle road trip together just the two of us, which should be super fun! I am so ready to go home for a little while. This is actually the longest I've been away from home. Normally I go home in October for fall break, but I didn't this year. It's kind of weird. But at the same time, I'm not going that crazy. I really just miss Seattle and all of the fun adventures I had over the summer with my sister. And of course, the coffee. But, I did have dutch bros today, which was amazing. I forgot how good it is. I can only drink it once in a while though because it is soooo rich and chocolately. In fact, after my first sip, I exclaimed to Rebecca, "It's like chocolate in my mouth!" which is pretty much just stating the obvious.

Tomorrow, I think I'm going to bake some cookies. I have some extra eggs from when I made cupcakes a couple weeks ago, and I bought a cookie mix and a brownie mix today! I love baking. Though, it's really inconvenient to do at school since I don't have any cooking supplies, and we aren't supplied any in the dorms...but I make do.

Three more days until home...Seattle, here I come!

My life seems to be in order for once.

Junior year has been one hundred percent insanity. I feel like I am constantly moving at a million miles an hour, and nearly always working on less than five hours of sleep. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of good times with friends and have made some new ones, which has been fun. It's just that with the combination of 18 credits of hard classes and the social stuff, I feel like my life is spiralling out of control. As we're nearing the last few weeks of the semester, classes are starting to pick up now. We've got two weeks left before Thanksgiving break, and two after we come back. When I think about all the projects and tests and assignments I still have to do in those four weeks, I start panicking. Will I be able to get it all done? If I take things a day at a time, it's not nearly as overwhelming, but a very small part of my brain is in a state of constant worry about classes and other things. I must admit, that despite the craziness, this year has been amazing so far. I love all of the people that are in my life right now, probably more than they know. I've finally found a church that I am satisfied with, after two years of searching. I've seen a lot of good shows and been on some fun adventures. Even with all the worry in the back of my mind, my life seems to be in order for once.

Lately, God's been answering my prayers like I've never known before. I feel like any time I utter even the smallest prayer, he hears me and responds. I am so thankful. It may be partly due to the fact that, this semester in particular, I've been trying to just give everything over to Him - even the smallest problems. Life is so much less stressful when I'm not trying to work everything out on my own. Yes, I still have problems and worries, but knowing that God will help me through them is unbelievably encouraging.

Apart from all that, not much has been happening. Thanksgiving break is in two weeks from tomorrow. I'm so stoked, it's insane. I'm getting my hair cut and colored, which will be extremely necessary by the time I get home. I'm already getting annoyed straightening it right now because it's grown so much, and the color's grown out a lot as well. It doesn't look that bad, but it'll be nice to come back to school all fresh. In addition to that little appointment, I'll also get to see my sisters and hang out with them all weekend! I miss them so. And I also miss Bauhaus and Victor's, which will both be very necessary while I'm home...possibly even Caffe Vita too, if I can swing it. Oh, and I'll be getting a shorter stud for my monroe when I'm home so that it won't stick out so far, which will be very nice. Did I mention the pumpkin pie that I'll be making? And the amazing fresh-baked rolls that we only get once a year? and the best thing about thanksgiving? The fact that it's the start of the Christmas season. I love Christmas time more than any other time of the year. I can't wait!

Halloween will not be very halloweeny.

I've never really liked Halloween. Even as a kid, it was always a competition for who had the better outfit or who could get the most candy. Now that I'm older, it seems that Halloween is merely an occasion for girls to dress like sluts, which annoys me. So, this year, halloween will not be very halloweeny for me. I'm not dressing up as anything, and I'm not going to any parties - at least that I know of yet.

It's fall break weekend, so I didn't have class yesterday and I don't have class on Monday either. The last two years, I have gone home for fall break but I decided to stay on campus this year. I am so glad I decided to stay. It's so much more of a break when I don't have to pack up and drive five hours, have a couple days to rest and then drive another five hours back to school. Granted, I would have loved to be enjoying a bauhaus latte and seattle people-watching on this wonderful saturday afternoon, but I can wait until thanksgiving break for that. I would also have loved to get my hair cut this weekend, but that can also wait.

I am finding that I rarely miss home, as in my actual house, but I do miss Seattle and the surrounding areas. I miss the city. Spokane is just not the same. At least I've only got a little over a year and a half left of college - crazy! It's starting to really dawn on me now. I'm currently in the process of choosing classes for next semester, and it's really scary to realize that I only have three semesters left here. That also means I only have three semesters left to get all of my credits done, which is scary, considering that classes are rarely at convenient times and classes I need often overlap, preventing me from taking some that I need. I'm only slightly worried about it.

It's almost November, and that scares the heck out of me. Where did September and October go? This semester is flying by. This is probably due to the fact that I have a lot of hard classes, and therefore, my life has been pretty much owned by studying. Though, I will say, I've been able to go to a lot of good shows since coming to school. Let's see...I've seen goodnight sunrise/good kids bad ideas, barcelona/allen stone, the lonely forest, mt st helens vietnam band, and the scene aesthetic/owl city. So, I really shouldn't complain.

Overall, I am pretty happy with life in general right now, which is always a nice thing to be able to say. I mean, sure, some things are not ideal at the moment (such as my computer being a jerk to me and needing a new hard drive), but it's nothing I can't manage with a smile on my face.

You'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living.

I hate this society.

I have made the choice in my life to not drink - at least for now. There are a few good reasons for this. One, I just don't see the need. If I can have fun without mind-altering substances, why should I take them at all? Two, I have seen that it often makes people do things they wouldn't otherwise do - things they usually regret and have to deal with later. Third, it causes you to lose control in a sense. And while I understand that that is one reason why people like to drink, I do not find that part of it appealing. I don't want to be afraid that I'll say or do something I shouldn't. Fourth (and probably the least important), is that it is currently illegal for me to drink. I am not 21, and I know that I am probably one of the only 20-year-olds in America that has not played beer pong or gone to a "party." And to be perfectly honest, I'm not ashamed.

This leads me to why I hate this society. It makes me want to feel ashamed for never exposing myself to alcohol. My way of life is often frowned upon by others my age or even those older than me. I'm seen as too innocent, sheltered, boring, the list could go on. Why is it so bad that I haven't broken the law like everyone else my age? Why is it so bad that I'm trying be a responsible adult? Why is it so bad that I don't want to binge drink and end up throwing up all over someone's floor? I just don't understand.

Like I said, I am not ashamed of the life I've chosen to lead. I don't care what others think of me, and I've kind of always been that way. It's the only way to live if you want to be happy. If you're constantly worried about what other people think of your decisions, actions, or even clothing choices, you'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living. A couple weeks ago right before classes started, I was picking up some books from the HUB that I had ordered online. There was a group of about seven people standing behind me in line. I was just minding my own business and happened to overhear some of their conversation (which was not quiet). They were clearly making fun of my hair - saying things like "I think it's really stupid when people have streaks in their hair that aren't natural. It's so obvious and it looks so dumb." After hearing that, I could have run crying to my room - or confronted them, which would have been fun! Instead, I kept my mouth shut, laughed to myself, and didn't bat an eye about it. If I like my hair, why should I care what seven random strangers think about my hair? I mean, let's be honest. They only wish they could pull this off.

I strive to live my life according to the way I want - not the way others want (unless you include God in the "others"...cause his opinion does matter). It's a waste of time, energy, and emotions to worry about other peoples' opinions of me.

i'd rather forgo dreams completely

I had a terrible dream last night. It was the kind of dream where you don't remember what happened right when you wake up, but you suddenly remember it later in the day like a light bulb flicking on. my dream came back to my memory in the middle of my publicity and public relations class this morning. this was horrible timing. my dream was, to put it lightly, quite disturbing. it made my whole body tense up and cringe upon remembering what had happened. i know it's not real, but my mind has a hard time distinguishing when the nightmare felt so realistic. now, this was not a typical nightmare. there were no monsters chasing after me or people dying around me. rather, i was put in a situation that was so uncomfortable that it is almost unbearable to think about it. sometimes, i find dreams to be interesting and exciting, but i'd rather forgo dreams completely if it meant never having ones like the one i had last night.

on another note, classes are going wonderfully. i absolutely love my tuesday/thursday classes. which is a good thing because they are longer than my MWF ones. the homework/study load is going to be significantly more than my last semester, so i'm trying to adjust to that. my goal is to do my homework the day it's assigned instead of the night before it's due. such a novel concept! it's actually quite freeing because then i'm never rushing to get things done at the last minute. we'll see how long this lasts though.