I won't stop until I'm old and can't dream any more.

I have a feeling I'm going to regret taking that two and a half hour nap this evening. It's after one in the morning and I am wide awake. I don't know why I do this to myself.

Tomorrow is Friday, and in one week from tomorrow, I will be on my way home back to beautiful Seattle for two weeks. The Christmas spirit is finally starting to overcome me, and I couldn't be happier. This is my favorite time of year, and not because of presents. The decorations, the lights, the music, the warm sweaters and scarves, the trees and how they smell, the home-cooked meals, the happiness all around, all make this my favorite time of year. Christmas also means time with family and people I care about. It also means a break from school, which is especially welcome after a stressful last few weeks of the semester and finals.

I have also recently decided that the only day of the year that it is acceptable to snow on is Christmas day. There is just something magical about waking up on Christmas morning to look out your window and see the lovely Washington evergreens covered in a light blanket of white powder. There's no where to go, and I can sit with my family around the fireplace with the dogs sleeping by our sides, open presents, and enjoy the day in my pajamas. Of course, if it continues to snow for the next few days, this is not an ideal situation. but, it is acceptable.

I'm just so ready to be back home, in a place that feels right. I must admit that Spokane has grown on me, but Seattle has always, and will always be home to me. Though Spokane works for a while, a little part of me is always longing for home. This is especially true around the holidays. I absolutely cannot imagine being anywhere else this time of year.

The semester is waning, which my mind can't quite wrap itself around. Where have the last three months gone? because they're all a blur in my mind, and I can't slow the time down enough to actually see any part of it. I don't know if this is good or bad. There are some parts that I wish would just glaze over in my memory, but refuse to do so, and ultimately stick out like reminders of mistakes that simply won't abandon me. Other parts seem like fleeting moments that I wish would stick to my memory like superglue. In the end, I know can't take back any mistakes I have made, so I am determined to learn something from them. That's the point of making them, right? To learn? Sometimes I'd rather have not made them in the first place, and just learn to do the right thing by doing it the first time around. But life will never work that way. It wasn't designed to work that way.

Somehow I know it'll all work out in the end. But at the same time, I think about some of my dreams and wonder how in the world they'll ever come true. Even with an insane amount of hard work, chances are still slim. Things would have to fall into place just right, and how often does that happen - for anyone, but especially for someone like me with chronic bad luck? But I still keep dreaming. hoping. and I won't stop until I'm old and can't dream any more. I feel like I'm always looking forward to something that will hopefully happen at some point. I'm rarely in the now, rarely enjoying my current situation. There's almost always some place I'd rather be, some person I'd rather be with, some situation I'd much rather be in. Why is that? Why can't I ever just be happy with now? I don't think this is how it's supposed to be.

Maybe I just dream too much. I often find myself lost in daydreams and have to snap myself out of it. Where did I just spend the last fifteen minutes? Not in my statistics class or focusing on my business law reading or listening to the conversation someone is trying have with me, that's for certain. I spent them somewhere far away. Somewhere past or future, or somewhere that's neither - somewhere in some time that will never come to be, as much as I try to wish it into existence. So I end up reluctantly returning to the here and now, the moment that has come to be. and I accept it.

It's hard to sit and wait for dreams to come true. And I'm not talking about the outlandish dreams that will most likely never come to fruition. I'm talking about the normal dreams, like cooking dinner in my own apartment, walking down the aisle, sitting at my desk at my future job, or driving a car I've purchased with my own money. I suppose some of these things may never happen, though I fervently hope they do. And I wait for them.

I must try to work on enjoying my now. It's not like I'm an unhappy person, in fact, it's quite the opposite. I don't hate what I have now, I just know that there's more in store for me. More is coming. But God also said to not worry about tomorrow. I like The Message's translation best. "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes" Matthew 6:34. I will try my hardest to obey.