vanilla lattes with fluffy foam and pretty designs.

sometimes i get in a mood where i just have to write...anything at all that comes to mind, however ridiculous or random it may be. here is the result:

i have horrible balance, and therefore, cannot do any sports that involve any sort of 'gliding' action, such as ice skating, roller blading, and skiing. i hate dancing...in front of people. i don't mind it when i'm alone. if i won't dance somewhere, it means i'm not comfortable enough. i like wearing glasses, even though some people see them as a blemish of the face. i think they're cute. i'm horribly insecure, and god, do i know it. i've been working at it. sometimes i get the feeling my friends don't like me, don't want to spend time with me. it happens a lot, and i don't know what to do about it. i wish i could draw. i have a love for shoes that is not quite at obsession status yet. sometimes i think life would be much simpler to be living in a situation like "lost," of course, without the smoke monster and the 'others.' i love god, but sometimes i wonder, does he really hear my prayers? or, more importantly, does he listen? it makes me sad that sex holds no meaning any more. wearing a favorite hoodie can make my day ten times better. and on the opposite side of the spectrum, a bad hair/wardrobe day can make my day ten times worse. i'm learning to love [some] screamo music. i'm a sucker for vanilla lattes with fluffy foam and pretty designs. i miss the feel of riding breeches and paddock boots. i even miss the bucking fits and biting horses. i miss the days when dressing up for halloween was cute and wholesome. i've always tried to journal, but could never manage to keep it up for more than a few weeks. i can't stand it when people wear their backpacks on one shoulder, though i must admit, i did when i was seven. music makes me happy, when nothing else can. if all else fails, at least i can play it loud enough to drown every thing else out. i like changing my hair often, whether it be the color or the cut. i get bored too quickly. i love the color yellow because it's bright and cheery. i want to impact someone's life. i'm not going to go so far to say that i want to change the world, but if i can truly impact one person's life, i'll be satisfied. i have no desire to skydive or bungee jump. i don't thinking risking my life for a quick thrill is really worth it. i wish people didn't have to change. i wish people wouldn't 'grow apart.' i hate being shy, and i hate confrontation. i avoid it at all costs. i don't like to bring up touchy subjects because i always just want everyone to get along and be happy, which is never the case. i love little inventions like the apple slicer. i'm really over this right now. the end.

it was pure bliss, as my memory recalled so many great moments.

it's friday. another week is in the bag. i go home on wednesday, which i can't believe.

i saw barcelona on wednesday night. i went alone, which was quite depressing. for the first three bands, i just sat in the back and texted people and listened to the music. there were a ton of people there, and i felt like everyone was staring at me, the loser who was sitting alone. it was pretty miserable. the worst part was, all the opening bands were really good, but i couldn't enjoy them cause i was wallowing it a pit of pity. once barcelona started, i decided to stand up and move closer so i could actually see. they were amazing, as always. they played a new song that i had never heard. it was really beautiful, but extremely sad. it was so nice to see them again. it's only been a few months, but they just never get old. ever.

i had my guitar final on tuesday. i am going to miss that class. paul was so chill and was a great teacher. i learned a lot, for only having about ten weeks of class. for our final, we could play anything we wanted...literally anything. i chose to play 'what child is this?". i also planned to sing, which i was super nervous for. i had never sung in front of people before. ever. i know i can at least carry a tune, but i definitely do not have a great voice. i sang three verses of the song, and i didn't mess up at all. at least it was a really informal performance. we didn't even have to stand up in front of the class! i might try to take the intermediate guitar class next semester. i really want to keep learning, and paul is teaching it again, so i know it'll be amazing.

last night, i went to bed at 9:00. i got twelve hours of sleep, on a school night, which is basically unheard of at college. for some reason i was exhausted and it was too late to take a nap. i had no homework that i had to do (i always have things i can do) so i decided that i may as well use my time well and get a good night's sleep for once.

lost starts again in january. i absolutely cannot wait! that show is so fantastic. i watched a preview on abc.com and got really excited. i hardly remember anything that happened in the fourth season, so i think i'm going go try to re-watch seasons three and four over christmas break. i love it.

the new moneta EP came in the mail yesterday. it made me so happy. i literally smiled when i opened my mailbox and saw the package slip sitting there. i knew immediately what it was. there are a couple songs on there that they've been singing live for the longest time, but had not released a recording of. i walked really fast back to my room and ripped the package open. then i had a little dance party all by my lonesome to some of my favorite songs, like 'no surrender'. the first time i heard that song, i thought it was so epic, and listening to it just brought back to many happy memories of a bunch of shows i went to. i just sat and listened to it all the way through without doing anything else at all. it was pure bliss, as my memory recalled so many great moments.

finals week is next week, though i only have two days of finals. i leave to come home on wednesday, while most people don't get to leave until friday or saturday. there's something about the time around finals week that just screams 'drama.' for some reason, the most stressful time of the year for college students is also the week that carries the most drama of any week in the year. why is that? well, it sucks. a lot. and i just wish that we could all just get along perfectly and never have any problems. but if we never have problems, it wouldn't really be 'life.' oh well. i get on a plane in 5 days and i can go home and relax for three weeks.

i've been sort of reclusive lately, and i'm not quite sure why. last night there was a christmas party in my dorm, and a bunch of people went. there was a gift exchange, cookies, and plenty of christmas cheer. i was in one of those moods where i don't want to be social, especially the fake-kind, where you have to put on a face and be all bubbly and happy and talkative. ya know? so i didn't go. at all. i stayed in my room and then went to bed at 9:15pm. that's the earliest i've gone to bed all year. then i slept for twelve hours since i didn't have class until 10 this morning. then earlier today, i took a nap for an hour, when i really shouldn't have been tired. and now, i have nothing to do tonight, so i'll probably end up going to bed early (well...early for a friday night is midnight). i hate this.

it seems as if the world won't let me forget

today has just been one of those days for me. one of those days where you just want to punch the world in the face for making you it's bitch. one of those days where everything seems to just miss the mark, and you're constantly waiting for the bulls eye. god. is that a weird analogy?

this year has been interesting, to say the least. i can't seem to forget about a certain thing, and it seems as if the world won't let me forget. i try not to think about it, to get over it, to realize nothing is going to come of it, and then the next day it's in my face again. how am i supposed to handle that? i pray about it. "god, please just take it away and help me ignore it" and then the next day, there it is! it's a little frustrating.

i love the holidays. the decorations bring joy to my heart when i see them, and i think about the wonderful times i get to spend with family and friends (and away from school and spokane). i think this year though, i've started to realize more how much i hate being single, and the holiday cheer is simply accentuating that feeling. i hear all these stupid songs about "i'll be home for christmas," "all i want for christmas is you," blah, blah, blah. those songs are great and meaningful and sweet if you have a loved one, but just rub in your loneliness when you're single. i'm at a weird point in my life. for so long i didn't even really have a desire to have a guy in my life. i was perfectly content being single and basking it all its glory. unlike a lot of girls, i don't need a man to validate myself in any way, i just desire to have that closeness with someone - an emotional connection, if you will.

enough about this mushy crap. ugh.

i get to go home in 8 days, since technically, it's already tuesday. i have quite a bit of stuff that has to get done before finals are over. i have about four papers to write, a big project for design that i have to finish, and of course four final exams. i'm not stressing too much, and my finals are much less intense than last year. plus, i lucked out and i get to leave on wednesday since i don't have any finals on thursday or friday. it'll be nice to be home and not have to think about school at all for a little while.

it hasn't snowed yet since i've been at school (it did during thanksgiving break, which i missed, thank God). in all actuality, it's kind of miraculous that i haven't had to deal with the snow. and then i'll be in new york and DC during january, so i'll miss pretty much that entire month.

i'm so done with this bad day i've had. i'm looking forward to starting a brand new one tomorrow.