Moving on to better things.

I've moved my blog here:


http://maddiehayes.tumblr.com


You can effectively stalk me there.

Time to myself to just think.

It's almost impossible for me to believe that I only have a month left at home. I'm really excited to move into my new house off campus and get back into the school thing. Learning just straight up feeds my mind in the best way, and I don't like to be stagnant.

I'm currently at starbucks in Kirkland, enjoying the free wifi (finally, starbucks, honestly. I think every other coffee shop in the country caught on before you) and late-night coffee. I wouldn't have come, if it weren't for the treat receipt I got this morning. I don't need the coffee, so I got decaf, but it still tastes lovely. I was home for a couple hours this evening after getting back from visiting with friends in Tacoma, and I already almost lost my mind. This was also a major reason why I decided to head to the bux. I needed to get out, get away, get some time to myself to just think. Of course, I'm not really by "myself," when I'm sitting in a crowded, obnoxiously loud Starbucks, but this is my thing. Whenever I need to get away, I go to a coffee shop - any one that's open and good.

I've also come to the realization that I hate the "party" scene. Well, this wasn't a recent realization, just more of a confirmation of a realization I had many years ago. Throughout my life, I've just never had the desire to get into any sort of drunken escapades. It wasn't until recently that I accepted the fact that there's really no harm in a few drinks. But to be perfectly honest, I just don't think sitting in a house with a bunch of drunk people attempting to throw ping pong balls into cups of beer sounds like fun. Now that I'm 21, I enjoy going out to some classy bars in Seattle for a couple drinks with friends, or having a drink at home. But on the other hand, I've spent too much of my life being uptight and overly goody-goody. I know I need to learn how to loosen up a bit and just have fun.

This coming school year will bring many changes in my life. I'm sure of it. I feel like I've matured and changed this summer. I've had to get to a point where I am okay with myself, since I've spent the majority of the summer alone. I was scared that this summer would be miserable (and some times were arguably so), but I've spent a lot of time alone, reflecting, thinking, and changing. I want to go out and be a confident woman, instead of the meek person I feel I used to be. Who knows what will actually happen when I get back to school? Will I revert back to my old ways? I sure hope not.

Luckily, my sister is coming up to visit on Wednesday, and she'll be here for a whole week. We're going to drink coffee at our favorite places, go to a show at El Corazon, see a movie, and get into all sorts of shenanigans. I wish she could have been here with me all summer, but I think things happened the way they were supposed to, and I'll get a week with her.

A place of spotty fulfillment and constant wondering.

I want to live at the crossroads where dreams and reality meet. The problem is, I don't know how to get there. It's a place of contentment. A place of happiness and fulfillment and never wondering. In all honesty, I'm not sure this place exists. Or maybe the issue is that I'm so unsure of everything in life that I doubt the existence of such a place. I want to leave a mediocre life and step into something extraordinary. I want things to happen that are important. I want to meet people that will become important in my eyes. I want to wake up every morning thanking God for the life I have the privilege to lead.

Right now, I have none of those things. I live on a road, utterly lost trying to reach the dream with no map or way to navigate myself to its embrace. It's a place of uncertainties. A place of spotty fulfillment and constant wondering. I have no idea how to leave a less-than-wonderful life and get into one that's unbelievable. The things I am experiencing are currently necessary at best, and not the least bit important. Some of the people I'm surrounded by give me the opposite of a reason to seem important to me [though, admittedly, I can't imagine life without a couple others]. I wake up thinking, "What the fuck am I doing?" and asking God the exact same question.

It's a question I don't have an answer to, and probably never will. And God doesn't seem to be offering up any helping hand at the moment. I have so many dreams, hopes, desires. They seem unattainable and unrealistic right now. Sometimes I think they are outlandish and unworthy of any lingering thought. But in reality, maybe this experience is better than having no dreams at all. Dreams, they motivate me, push me to at least attempt things that may seem impossible. I suppose it's an existence more fulfilling than living for, hoping for, reaching for nothing at all. At minimum, I can thank God for that.

In a constant state of over-rest.

What am I doing? I honestly don't know.

Since the day I got home from school for the summer, I've felt absolutely useless. I haven't been lazy in applying to jobs. My count is now up to 21, not including the 5 internships I applied to. I've still had no luck on that front, not even an interview. It's to the point now that even if a place did call, would they hire me knowing I'm leaving in just two short months to go back to school in Spokane? It's highly unlikely. Most places don't want to hire "temporary" workers, and two months is extremely temporary.

I suppose I just feel pretty down about life in general right now. I want to have a job, responsibilities, a schedule, a reason to get out of bed in the morning (or rather, afternoon, as it's been recently). I did get a gym membership, so that's at least given me something productive to do in all of my free time. I've been sleeping in until 1PM, simply because I have no motivation or reason to wake up any earlier. And here I sit, close to 3AM. My body is slowly shifting its awake hours. I didn't go to sleep until 4:15AM last night. I'm tired during the day, but once it gets time to actually go to bed, I'm not sleepy. I think that maybe I'm in a constant state of over-rest, simply because my body is used to functioning on less than 5 or 6 hours of sleep during the school year.

It's a lot harder to be home that I thought it'd be. Before summer started, I hadn't fully realized or come to terms with the fact that most of my friends would be gone. Currently, I have one friend that's home (and one more who's only gone for the weekend). The one friend that is home hasn't returned my texts. It's not so bad to have alone time, at least for the most part. It gives me a lot of time to think and just meditate on life. My issue with the alone time really doesn't surface until the weekend. It's mostly due to knowing that while most people are out on the town with friends, I'm completely alone. And of course my parents invite me to do things with them, and sometimes I agree. Last weekend we saw Toy Story 3. But sometimes, I just can't bear to spend time with them, because it just reminds me of how few friends I truly have. Tonight, I opted to spend my evening alone instead of going to Alki with them. I ended up driving to Capitol Hill to Bauhaus for a nice latte and a good view. I spent a couple hours there reading, people-watching, and enjoying the sunset over the space needle. Even though I was alone, I felt happier doing that than hanging with the 'rents. I think maybe it's because at least I was out in a place around people my own age, even if I wasn't actually with those people.

Summer seems to be ticking by at an almost painstakingly slow rate. It feels like no time has passed at all. But on the other hand, it's almost July, which means only two months left. I'm going to be housesitting for the first full week of July, so that'll keep me busy and break up my boring routine for a little while. Also, my birthday is coming soon. I'm actually trying really hard not to think about that though. Why, you ask? Because in all honesty, I have a feeling it's going to be a pretty miserable birthday. Who knows, maybe life will surprise me, but I have a horrible feeling about it. None of my friends are going to be here. My sister's at least going to take me out to a bar or two, and I'll probably go out to dinner with my family, but no "21 run" for me. And honestly, I don't want to get super smashed on my birthday like some people do, but I wish I'd at least have some friends around. I should be used to it by now. Having a birthday the day after a holiday has always prevented me from celebrating like most people. Too many vacations are planned around the 4th of July for me to ever have all of my friends around. Some "friends" forgot my birthday last year, and I fear that it's going to happen again. My birthday is something I should be excited about, but I'm almost dreading it.

I suppose I'll just have to keep plugging along like I've been doing until Summer's over. I should be happy to have all of this time to relax without a job, but I'd love to feel a sense of purpose in waking up in the morning. I'd much rather be working full time or even part time. I have to believe there's a reason why my summer is turning out this way. I have to believe that.

We were in the middle of the waves.

I’m utterly scared about life right now. I just found out that I didn’t get the internship that I interviewed for a couple weeks ago. I don’t feel too horrible about it, considering I beat out over 150 people, but it still sucks. I mean, I wasn’t relying on that happening, but that was the closest I’ve come to finding work this summer. The record labels that I sent my resume and cover letters to haven’t even responded. I haven’t heard back from any more of the 14 other places I applied to. At this point, I’m just not sure what to do. I suppose I could call back the retail places and see if they have any openings right now. Interning would still be the best thing though! I guess I’m just going to have to play things by ear. The worst thing would be to just repeat last summer and not have any work at all.

These last few months have been pretty rough. The more time that goes by, the more I realize how much I need to be going to church on a regular basis. I haven’t gone consistently since November, and I can see the negative effects of it on my life. It’s hard because I don’t really have a home church any more. I stopped going to my mom’s church (also the church I grew up in) during high school, which is also when I started going to Generation Church. That was perfect for me for a time, but I never felt completely comfortable there. I felt like I couldn’t be myself, couldn’t be honest about my faults. It seemed like everyone there was some sort of perfect Christian with no life issues. The real truth is that no one is perfect. It was utterly frustrating. So now I’m back to square one, and looking for the right church is a huge task. I’ve been going to school in Spokane for three years now and still have yet to find a place that’s just right for me. I’m only home for the summer, so I’m not extremely hopeful that I’ll find something.

The reason I know that I need to start going back is because of how doubtful I’ve been recently. Not doubtful of God’s existence by any means. I can look outside and know that He exists. It’s more just a doubt of His love for me, doubt that He really does have some sort of plan for my life, and most of all a doubt that He’s always with me. I’ve felt so alone for a while now, so alone. You know those times where you literally just cry out “God, where are you?” and don’t get an answer? Yeah...that’s been happening a lot lately. We’re supposed to trust Him with our everything, give up all our worries and stresses, and depend on Him. How can I trust someone who is never here? Who never answers my desperate calls? This is why I need to go to church again. I miss the days of feeling content in Him, because right now, my life is nowhere near content.

It does feel pretty nice to be home for the summer, I must admit. Me and my sister went to Sasquatch this last weekend, which was amazing. Well, actually, we went on saturday, drove home Saturday night, went to folklife on Sunday, drove back to Sasquatch Monday morning, then drove home again on Monday night. It was pretty insane. It was totally worth it though, because we got to see some fantastic bands. Mumford and Sons was one of my favorites for sure. I’ve been really into them for a while now, and they were great live! Also, Vampire Weekend was amazing. They were the last band we saw on Saturday night. They played on the mainstage and we ended up getting pretty close and and in the middle. Everyone was dancing - myself included (WHAT?!), and they were so fun live! I wasn’t too crazy about them before that, but now I pretty much am. I can’t stop listening to them. I can’t stop.

Monday was pretty fun as well. We saw Passion Pit, which was absolutely insane. We were pretty close to the front, but once they started playing, the crowd got so crazy. It was basically a sea of people, and we were in the middle of the waves. It was crazier than any rock or metal concert I’ve been to, and I’ve seen some intense mosh pits. We lost an unopened rock star in the midst of it that had cost seven dollars! After about three songs, we decided to jump ship and just move back a little ways so that we could actually see, have room to dance around, and actually enjoy the show. Once we did that, it was great. After that, we saw She & Him, which was really fun! It was weird seeing Zooey Deschanel close up like that, after seeing her in movies and stuff. Her voice is great. Then, we were going to watch Band of Horses, but we ended up missing about half of their set because we were waiting in line for food. We were still able to see quite a bit of it though, which was good. Then, the last of the day for us was MGMT. I have to say, they were not that great live. They were actually pretty boring, apart from the two songs that everyone went crazy on - Electric Feel and Kids. They played Kids last, and it was so epic. Everyone was dancing around and it was raining. I think that’s the most I’ve danced at a show...ever. Normally I don’t dance, but in that situation, I just couldn’t help it. It was the absolute perfect way to end a great weekend.

As of right now, I don’t know what else this summer holds for me. Hopefully a job soon. There are a lot of shows I want to go to that are coming up...some that I absolutely must go to. For starters, Oceans has their first show in a couple weeks. This band is made up of Ryry and Aaron (ex-Vision & Valor/Holyfield/Tysen), Mike & Devin (ex-Moneta) and one guy I don’t know. At this point, I have no idea what they sound like, I just know that it’s going to be amazing. Plus, they’re playing with The Classic Crime, who I of course, love more than anything. It’s at Showbox Sodo. So, way to go Oceans - they get to have their very first show at a huge venue! Also, I turn 21 in just over one month, and I can’t wait! It’ll be so nice to sit in the bar at shows instead of dealing with the high schoolers and everything.

Summer will likely bring some surprises, and I can’t wait!

All of my technology is friendly to me.

There are 26 days until the semester is completely over! I'll be coming home on may 14th or 15th. The most exciting part is that I get to move most of my stuff into the house that I'm going to be living in next year. I am unbelievably excited to be living off campus next year. I'll get to cook my own food, have people over (not that I can't do that right now) and have roommates while still having my own room. Plus, I feel like living off campus is the step between campus and graduation/living on my own. I'll still be in school and probably working on campus, but I'll be starting to pay my own bills and cook my own food. I'm so excited! I don't know most of my roommates super well, but I think that will be kind of fun. I'll get to meet all sorts of new friends since we're in completely different circles of friends.

Even though there are only a few weeks of school left, I'm super overwhelmed with everything that I have to get done in the remaining class time. I have at least three major projects to do that I have yet to start, in addition to more reading, and a lot more tests. But, I'll get it all done somehow. I always do.

Another reason why I wish the school year would last longer is my fear of summer. I applied for 5 internships and have now applied for 14 jobs at various coffee and retail places. I haven't heard back from any of the internships - not even to recognize that they received my application. It's frustrating because I want it so bad! I worked really hard on my resume and cover letters, so to have it not pay off - at all, is really discouraging. I'm still hoping that I'll hear back from one of them, since it's still relatively early. I've gotten two calls so far from the 14 job applications, one of them didn't pan out because they need someone right now, and I'm still in the process of getting back in contact with the other place that called me back. I don't want to be out of work like I was last summer. It was pretty much the lamest summer of my life. I had applied to 12 places with no luck. I'm hoping by upping my number this year, I'll have better luck. I still want one of the internships more than anything though. I'm just going to have to keep praying about it.

In other news, I got a new cell phone yesterday! My other phone has been having charging issues for about a month now. I've been having to ghetto rig the charger to my phone with rubber bands in order for it to charge. But then it randomly started turning off or restarting, or not sending text messages when I wanted it to. Then one day it randomly turned off in the middle of the night, so my alarm didn't go off and I ended up missing two classes. Lesson learned: always have a back up alarm. So anyway, it finally crapped out on me and stopped charging completely on friday, so I was without a phone for three days. It was surprisingly more inconvenient than you'd think it would be. So Sunday I decided I couldn't wait any more so I went to the Verizon store. They were characteristically unhelpful as per usual. I ended up picking the Motorola Devour, and I have to say that so far, I am in love with it! It works marvelously. The touch screen is a thousand times more responsive than my old phone (a crappy Samsung Glyde), and it runs on android, which is awesome. I've already gotten a few free apps, but haven't explored the selection too much yet. It's just nice to have a phone that I don't have to fight with on a daily basis. Now all of my technology is friendly to me - my lovely new macbook pro and now a new phone! I am a happy girl.

It is just the beginning of a wonderful new relationship.

There are only five weeks left in the semester. This is both wonderful and horrible news. It is wonderful because that means I get to go home soon and not have 8AM classes anymore. It is horrible because I still don't know what I'm going to do this summer. I sent in my resume for four different record label internships in Seattle. I haven't heard back from any of them yet, not even to recognize that they received my resume, and I'm starting to get worried. I think I'm going to email them again on Monday (that will make two weeks since I sent my resumes) just to check in. There are two other internships I'm going to apply for - one is for an advertising agency in Seattle and one is for the City of Seattle as an event promotion internship. Hopefully one of the six will pan out! Some of them probably aren't paid, which would mean I'd still need to try to find a part time job. From what I'm hearing, the job market isn't any better than it was last summer. I wasn't able to find work last summer, even after applying to twelve places, so that worries me as well. I'm praying super hard about all of this! If it's God's will for me to have an internship, it will happen, and I'm trying to do my part.

Tomorrow is Easter. It will be my first Easter away from home. I'm pretty sad about it. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal for me, but I chose not to drive home for the weekend, and I'm kinda upset that I didn't. Spring break was last week, so I didn't want to do the drive two weekends in a row. It's just weird to be here and not with family. My mom said she sent me an easter basket though, which should get here tuesday or wednesday. That will make me feel a little bit better. And I have new glasses coming in the mail that I ordered over spring break.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my last post, but I got a new computer...a macbook pro. It is possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I seriously can't even begin to describe how great it is to have a computer that works so marvelously and doesn't try to fight with me. It is just the beginning of a wonderful new relationship.

Me and Rebecca have been looking into living off campus next year and it looks like it might actually happen! We found a couple girls through a friend of ours and they were looking for two more roommates for the house they're living in right now. We've already looked at the house and met with the girls. We're pretty positive that it'll happen, we're just trying to figure out the logistics with our parents and what not. I'm really excited. It will be nice to live in a house - we can make our own food and share a bathroom with one other person instead of 15! The house is within walking distance of campus so I can walk on nice days, which would be great. All of the girls are super nice, so it should be fun!

I've been realizing lately that though I don't have a large number of friends, the ones I do have are the best I could ask for. Since I started college, some friends that I was really close to have (very unfortunately) drifted away, and I have gotten closer to others that were not the greatest friends before. I've made friendships in college that will hopefully last a very long time. The people I choose to surround myself with are great people, and we always laugh when we're together. I appreciate all of them more than they'll know.