the first time that i saw an 'emo' band

it's been a while, dear blog, since i have written in you. finals are over...thank god. i'm gonna lie, that semester was not horrible at all. i am so happy to be done with my painting class, even though it totally effed up my hand even more. in the last week of school, we had been assigned so much work (and...i kind...procrastinated just a tiny bit) that i ended up doing four hours of painting every day for three days straight. my thumb was already not doing so well after my surgery, but it was crazy sore for the few days after i did all that painting (right when i had to do three long, written finals). i thought the soreness would go away after giving it a few days of rest with minimal writing and other usage...only the soreness has not gone away at all, and it's still doing that popping thing it's been doing for a while now. it got to the point where after i was finished painting one day, i put my brush down and i literally could not move my thumb from the position it had been in. i just wish it would be all better and normal again...but i guess it's never going to be completely normal again after having seven screws and a plate screwed into my bone. the doctor told me the only thing they worried about with this kind of surgery was soreness and stiffness, which is exactly my problem. oh well, i go back to the doctor on thursday for a check up, although it's not like he can do anything else besides send me to get more physical therapy which i really don't want to have to do.

i'm finally home after all of this time and i don't have to go back until january 6th. yes. the last few weeks at school were really hard for me. i have seriously considered transferring to a school closer to home...not necessarily to be closer to home, i just really miss the seattle area. it's so nice and i just love everything about it. spokane is just...well...icky. there's creepers every where and there isn't really much to do unless you have a car. i dunno, i guess i've just been feeling really discouraged there, partially because i really don't have that many friends, which is partially my fault. i hate having to be the one to always initiate things. i just wish that for once someone would call me to hang out, or come to visit me, instead of the other way around. it wouldn't be any easier transferring to another school, just to have to start over completely. plus, of the schools that i would consider going to, none of them have to major that i want, which totally sucks. also, whitworth is just an amazing school, i really do love it. honestly, if whitworth was in seattle, it would be the absolute best possible situation. it's hard being away from friends that care about me, and that i really care about...i have really been missing just hanging out with my friends.

college has just...well...surprised me i guess you could say. things have not really turned out the way i thought they would. but then again, does anything ever turn out the way you think it will (or want it to, for that matter)? so, naturally, i have turned to two things: god and music. i must say that the whole 'not having friends' thing has really drawn me closer to god. when i have no one to talk to or hang out with, i talk to him. when i'm sitting alone in my room, i worship. when i'm having a really bad day, i put moneta on my ipod at full volume and pray, and sometimes cry. music has really rescued me. if i lay on my bed with my ipod on max volume, i can literally drown out everything. i can even drown out the sad thought that i'm thinking, the noisy sounds in the hall, the sirens going off somewhere downtown, and the words that i repeat in my head over and over. music has been such an outlet for me and i don't know where i'd be without it.

i've had people ask me things like 'so why did you turn emo?' and the more i think about it, the more i realize that it has been an ongoing transformation the last couple years. i think part of the reason is that i wanted to be part of something. i feel like for my whole life, i've just wandered around aimlessly, trying to find where i fit into this huge mess of a world. i remember the very first time that i saw an 'emo' band. at first i was kinda turned off, but then i started to feed off all the concerts i was going to. now, i have lost count of the shows i've gone to. and no, i did not do this to fit in at shows, that would be dumb, and i really don't care what anyone thinks about me (i'd be more embarrassed to have my mom there like some kids, then to walk in not wearing skinny jeans). i think it was just a mental transformation that followed with a slight and gradual change in clothing and hair style. and let me just say, that being 'emo' does not mean that i am depressed or cut myself...it is a music style that has also become a clothing style. and if you think emo = cutting, then you are ignorant and stereotypical.

speaking of the first time i saw an 'emo' band, i get to see that band (holyfield...formerly tysen) on saturday, and also moneta...literally two of my favorite bands. i cannot wait. also, truce is playing, and they are just comical haha. plus, amber pacific is headlining. i never got super into them, but they're really good and i've heard they put on an awesome live show. mike just brought me tickets today which was cool. i just love going to see local bands. they're THAT cool that they will drive to your house (which is most likely not very close to where they live) just to bring you tickets. local bands really care about and appreciate their fans. i think that's one thing i don't like about a lot of mainstream bands - that they forget about their fans. and i realize that really popular bands can't really hang at their merch table after their show, but i just hate how commercialized they get. every band gets to where they are because of their fans, and i feel that most local bands appreciate and value each and every fan they have, which is the way it should be.

it feels so good to be home now. christmas is my favorite time of year (despite the rushing around to get last minute presents). and let me tell you, i am very happy to be away from the spokane cold and snow. when i landed at sea-tac i rejoiced a little at the fact that everything wasn't white! don't get me wrong, i do enjoy a little snow here and there, and it's really pretty...but i hate having to put on like twenty layers just to walk to class or to get lunch. it gets extremely annoying. i was looking forward to being able to go running with bubba while i am home, but it's been raining every day since i've been back, and i absolutely hate running in the rain.

i am very proud of you if you made it all the way to the end of this blog...i just realized that it is ridiculously long. oh well. no one reads these things anyway, right?