sitting alone at a table for 8.

i feel like it's been a while since i've written. it's weird cause this blog basically serves as my journal, though i have to sensor things....and not say everything cause who knows who reads this thing?

i've been pretty happy lately. things are finally starting to look up for me, in more ways than one. my days have been relaxing and restful and i feel like i have good things coming for me. i can't explain it. i've been watching a lot of tv lately....online that is. i just finished re-watching lost season 3 a couple days ago, which was good because i didn't remember anything. i realized today that i had nothing to do after finishing it, so i decided to watch the second season of heroes, which i hadn't started. i'm glad i did, though, because it is amazing!

i have quite a bit of reading to do, and a quiz to study for that is tomorrow morning, but who cares? i've got all night to do that. plus, not that i try not to do my work, but the reading we do is pretty pointless. as long as i skim it and study my notes from lectures, i'm pretty much set for the quizzes. it's really crazy that jan term is already more than half way over. i come home again in 12 days already, but i can't wait. this break will be much more relaxing because no one will be home besides my parents, though i wish my sisters were there too:[ . over christmas break, i felt like i had so many people to hang out with and so much to do that i didn't have time to rest.

my new favorite song is called 'all the same' by sick puppies. you should check it out because it is absolutely amazing. i spent $30 of my $40 worth of itunes gift cards before i came back to school on jan. 6th. i've really enjoyed the music i bought - we the kings, forever the sickest kids, run kid run, and some miscellaneous songs that i've been wanting. i really like all of the albums i bought, but i would really recommend run kid run. i'm in love with it.

it's weird since being back. i've basically had the room to myself which just feels weird. it's kinda lonely sometimes being in the room by myself all day, but i guess at times it's nice. i really can't wait for next semester to start. i think i'm going to like my classes and i've heard that a lot of my professors are really amazing, which will be good. and honestly, nothing can be much worse than core 150 and my painting class. i'm very optimistic right about that.

i'm missing some pretty amazing shows these next two months, well only two in particular. this providence on january 25th (4 days before i come home) and moneta february 9th (4 days after i come back to school). what are the odds of that? i'm basically pissed. i've seen moneta 5 times now, so i'm not AS bummed about that (but still bummed), but i've only seen TP twice, so i'm reallllly sad i'm missing it. AND it's at the showbox, my favie. oh well.

for my jan term class, i am required to visit three different churches and one of them has to be predominantly african american. i went to calvary baptist church on sunday and it was one of the most awkward experiences of my life...not because i was one of about 5 white people in the room, but because it was so weird. they called the visitor's names and made us stand up. and the choir sang 'i believe i can fly.' okay, so when i put it in writing it doesn't sound that weird, but trust me, it was extremely awkward.

i've come to the conclusion that i don't have enough friends, no matter how hard i try. i find that i am ALWAYS the one to initiate things. besides like two people, i don't think anyone else i've ever hung out with has contacted ME to do something. it's just frustrating because people never want to do anything with me. it's not like i'm not likable...not that i'm trying to boast. i don't bite! i don't know what to say. i guess i just wish for once someone would actually act like they wanted to spend time with me. this makes me want to go home. i'm almost always alone, and i hate it. a lot of people have a group of 5 or 6 people they do everything with. i don't have that, and because of this, i find myself eating alone. i often go to lunch at 1:30 because i know that not many people will be there to see me eating alone. it's not like people will judge me for it; people are really nice here, but i just feel like a loner when i have to sit at a table for 8 all by myself. sometimes i just eat a bagel and cream cheese in my room. i can't wait to go home.

my life would be so much better if whitworth was just in seattle. ugh. oh, and it seems that in order to ride the horse i went to visit back in october, i will need my own ride over there. awesome. just awesome. i hate that i get my hopes up about things like this, and then when it doesn't work (cause nothing ever does), i get really sad.

well, i have to go get ready to head to dinner with rebecca and jared. once again, my idea, not theirs. oh well, it's better than eating alone i suppose.