today has been alright. i fell asleep for the first time in math class, and then again in old testament, which i haven't done in forever. it made me realize how tired i actually am. i have gone to bed late two nights in a row. two nights ago i couldn't sleep because i had taken a 2 and a half hour nap on accident that day. i didn't get to sleep until after 3. then last night i started doing laundry at 9:30, thinking i'd be done by 11 or 11:30 at the latest. wrong. all of the driers were being used but one, so i put two loads of clothes in one drier...because of this it took almost two hours for them to dry. plus, i never go down to check right away. i didn't get to bed until about 1:30 last night. that's really not that late, but two late nights in a row without a nap was problematic. i have a hard time functioning [well] on less than 7 hours of sleep. then, on top of all of my tiredness, my thumb has been hurting really, really bad. it started last night around dinner time. i didn't even feel like i had been overusing it. it still hurt really bad this morning and the pain has continued the entire day. i don't know how to get rid of it, and it sucks. this happens every few weeks. i don't know why.
last night me and emilie went to cartridge world to get her cartridges refilled. then we went to blockbuster, which was fun. the cute guy that's almost always there when we go to rent movies was working. it made me smile. she wanted to open a new account so she didn't have to use her parent's account any more. so, he helped us. we basically flirted with him for the fifteen minutes it took to fill out the paper work and get the card...which she didn't even get because the machine was out of paper or whatever it uses. he made her a make-shift one, haha. the weirdest thing is that his name is brandon, and he looks exactly like the lead singer of panic at the disco, who's name is brendon...coincidence? i think not. haha.
i bought the new run kid run album yesterday. it is spectacular. me and emilie went to target to get it, but they didn't have it. we were sad. luckily there was a best buy like two seconds away, so we went there, and they had it. unfortunately, we paid $14 for it, and i realized that night that it was on itunes for $10. waste of four dollars. oh well. it was kind of an adventure. then, last night i found out that holyfield finally got their album on itunes! i just had to buy it. i've been desperate for their new album since it was released. they are both such good albums, and they definitely brighten my day a little bit. plus, there's a couple songs on there that are really encouraging for my current situation. they help a little bit.
17 days. yeeeeeah.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
puttting things in perspective
it's weird how life hits you sometimes, ya know? one day, everything is wonderful and i'm without a care in the world. the next, a tragedy occurs. on sunday, the whitworth community was informed that a freshman named dan had been involved in a car accident in which he broke both legs and suffered a head injury. today, we were informed that he was pronounced dead at 10 am this morning. i barely knew dan. he sat two seats away from me in sociology, and we rarely exchanged words. there was this horribly somber feeling all around campus today, despite the fact that many students were not close with him. in such a small community, things like this hit hard, and very close to home. it made me extremely thankful for my life, and put things into perspective for me. after my car accident this summer, i was anything but thankful. i felt like my life was over - i was without a car, i couldn't ride or do anything because of my thumb, i had to get surgery and do physical therapy, and most of all, i was just really depressed that my last summer before college was completely ruined because of it. in retrospect, it was a miracle that i walked away from that accident with only a broken thumb. i suffered no neck injuries, no back injuries, and no head injuries. thinking about dan, and how he did not escape with his life makes me realize that i should have been a lot more thankful than i was. we prayed in sociology for his family and friends. it's crazy to think that one day you're here, and the next you could be gone. one person wrote on facebook that dan is probably eating chipotle with jesus right now. it's comforting to know that he went to be home with God.
it's just been a weird, weird day.
the countdown continues, only 19 days until i'm done with school. it's all a little surreal, really. in one sense, the year has gone by extremely fast, but on the other hand, it seems like the end will never come. when i think back about the eight or so months here, i realize that i've done a lot of growing and maturing since coming here. i've had so many more problems and so much more drama than i dealt with throughout all of high school. being here, with no way to run away from it, has forced me to face my problems. although, many times, i buried the problems until they boiled over and i couldn't contain it any more. i think i will always have this issue. i hate talking about my feelings, to anyone, and more importantly, i hate confrontation. i've come to terms with a lot of things that have happened, even though i don't necessarily agree with them. i've been able to turn to god in my most desperate times, simply because there was no one else there for me. despite my inability to go to the church i wanted (due to lack of transportation), i feel like i've grown closer to god in my time here. i also realized that i've become a lot more accepting of who i am. i know that i will never be completely okay with myself, no matter what. i will always be self-conscious, but at least i've gotten to a point where i can see myself the way i want others to see me, not how they actually see me. i still have a lot of growing and changing to do, but i'm on my way.
some days are easier than others. some days i am carefree and happy. others, it's hard to get out of bed and go to class...it's hard to put on a happy face for people and pretend that life is wonderful. a lot of people here think that life is just perfect - that no one has problems, or feels sad, or feels alone. in reality, i've never felt more alone in my life. i'm really just sick of pretending like nothings wrong. i am so ready to go home and get away from here for a while. i'm excited for a new start in the fall, and there are a lot of things i'm going to do differently next year. i've learned from my mistakes.
it started raining a couple hours ago. i love being inside with the window open, listening to the rain drops strike the glass. it reminds me of home...those rainy summer nights, lying in bed without a care in the world, listening to the pitter patter, pitter patter, pitter patter.
it's just been a weird, weird day.
the countdown continues, only 19 days until i'm done with school. it's all a little surreal, really. in one sense, the year has gone by extremely fast, but on the other hand, it seems like the end will never come. when i think back about the eight or so months here, i realize that i've done a lot of growing and maturing since coming here. i've had so many more problems and so much more drama than i dealt with throughout all of high school. being here, with no way to run away from it, has forced me to face my problems. although, many times, i buried the problems until they boiled over and i couldn't contain it any more. i think i will always have this issue. i hate talking about my feelings, to anyone, and more importantly, i hate confrontation. i've come to terms with a lot of things that have happened, even though i don't necessarily agree with them. i've been able to turn to god in my most desperate times, simply because there was no one else there for me. despite my inability to go to the church i wanted (due to lack of transportation), i feel like i've grown closer to god in my time here. i also realized that i've become a lot more accepting of who i am. i know that i will never be completely okay with myself, no matter what. i will always be self-conscious, but at least i've gotten to a point where i can see myself the way i want others to see me, not how they actually see me. i still have a lot of growing and changing to do, but i'm on my way.
some days are easier than others. some days i am carefree and happy. others, it's hard to get out of bed and go to class...it's hard to put on a happy face for people and pretend that life is wonderful. a lot of people here think that life is just perfect - that no one has problems, or feels sad, or feels alone. in reality, i've never felt more alone in my life. i'm really just sick of pretending like nothings wrong. i am so ready to go home and get away from here for a while. i'm excited for a new start in the fall, and there are a lot of things i'm going to do differently next year. i've learned from my mistakes.
it started raining a couple hours ago. i love being inside with the window open, listening to the rain drops strike the glass. it reminds me of home...those rainy summer nights, lying in bed without a care in the world, listening to the pitter patter, pitter patter, pitter patter.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
i instantly have something in common with everyone in the room
today has been mediocre at best. i burned my pinky while straightening my hair. it stung like no other, and now there is a lovely red welt where healthy skin used to be. luckily, the pain has ceased. i'm honestly surprised this is the first time i've really burned my self on my flat iron. considering i use it every day, i guess i've mastered the art of not injuring myself. this one little burn isn't going to stop me from straightening my hair. it will probably leave a scar though.
i am so sick of people backing out on me at the last minute...or at all for that matter. i put all of this faith in people to follow through and do what they say they will do. unfortunately, i am beginning to realize that, more often than not, i am let down. i expect that people will keep their promises of sorts, and then i feel hurt when those promises aren't kept. the excuses are unending, and i'm sick of hearing them. i continue to experience this, and yet, i still have faith. i guess it's just in my character to be trusting of people, even when they give me no reason whatsoever to trust a word that comes out of their mouth. it's my own fault i suppose, for trying to be a good friend and look for the best in others. for some reason, i can't stop giving more chances. no matter how angry i get, i will always forgive and forget, even if i don't do it actively. what, then, can i do?
i had a realization today. in the past few months, i've had people ask me "why are you becoming emo?" or, "what's with this change of style?". i guess i never really knew what to say. for one, i would consider myself emo, but not necessarily hardcore. i do wear skinny jeans, and my main style is on the emo side, but i still wear not-emo clothes sometimes. i guess the only 'label' i really think i fit with is 'emo,' even though i'm not nearly as emo as a lot of people. i just know that i'm not 'prep' or anything like that. so anyway, back to my realization. i started to think back to the last couple of years, when i really started going to more shows and getting more into that whole scene. i think the reason i started to change my style was not to fit in with the crowd at the shows, but because i felt that i did fit in with them. people at shows are not judgemental (for the most part...there's always a few jerks). they are far, far less judgemental than preppy kids, and they don't look down on you. whenever i walk into abercrombie (against my will, of course), i feel like i'm not welcome, like everyone is looking at me thinking "why are you here? we don't have clothes to fit you here." it makes me feel like crap. when i go to a show, i instantly have something in common with everyone in the room - a love for the music i'm about to hear. there's this feeling of camaraderie in the crowd. you're all there for the same reason. the emo style is open to bigger people, and for once, i didn't feel like people were staring and judging. my shift to that style was extremely gradual - i didn't just go out one day and buy a whole new wardrobe and get a crazy haircut. i feel like the style is fitting for my personality, despite the stereotypes that people have (i.e., emo people are depressed, cut themselves, etc). this is the first time that i have felt like i belong to a group. in the past, i never really had a style, i just wore whatever i wanted or what i thought looked good. now, i feel like i have a definitive style, and i don't care if people don't like it.
the countdown is on. 20 days until i come home.
i am so sick of people backing out on me at the last minute...or at all for that matter. i put all of this faith in people to follow through and do what they say they will do. unfortunately, i am beginning to realize that, more often than not, i am let down. i expect that people will keep their promises of sorts, and then i feel hurt when those promises aren't kept. the excuses are unending, and i'm sick of hearing them. i continue to experience this, and yet, i still have faith. i guess it's just in my character to be trusting of people, even when they give me no reason whatsoever to trust a word that comes out of their mouth. it's my own fault i suppose, for trying to be a good friend and look for the best in others. for some reason, i can't stop giving more chances. no matter how angry i get, i will always forgive and forget, even if i don't do it actively. what, then, can i do?
i had a realization today. in the past few months, i've had people ask me "why are you becoming emo?" or, "what's with this change of style?". i guess i never really knew what to say. for one, i would consider myself emo, but not necessarily hardcore. i do wear skinny jeans, and my main style is on the emo side, but i still wear not-emo clothes sometimes. i guess the only 'label' i really think i fit with is 'emo,' even though i'm not nearly as emo as a lot of people. i just know that i'm not 'prep' or anything like that. so anyway, back to my realization. i started to think back to the last couple of years, when i really started going to more shows and getting more into that whole scene. i think the reason i started to change my style was not to fit in with the crowd at the shows, but because i felt that i did fit in with them. people at shows are not judgemental (for the most part...there's always a few jerks). they are far, far less judgemental than preppy kids, and they don't look down on you. whenever i walk into abercrombie (against my will, of course), i feel like i'm not welcome, like everyone is looking at me thinking "why are you here? we don't have clothes to fit you here." it makes me feel like crap. when i go to a show, i instantly have something in common with everyone in the room - a love for the music i'm about to hear. there's this feeling of camaraderie in the crowd. you're all there for the same reason. the emo style is open to bigger people, and for once, i didn't feel like people were staring and judging. my shift to that style was extremely gradual - i didn't just go out one day and buy a whole new wardrobe and get a crazy haircut. i feel like the style is fitting for my personality, despite the stereotypes that people have (i.e., emo people are depressed, cut themselves, etc). this is the first time that i have felt like i belong to a group. in the past, i never really had a style, i just wore whatever i wanted or what i thought looked good. now, i feel like i have a definitive style, and i don't care if people don't like it.
the countdown is on. 20 days until i come home.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
a homecoming present for champions.
so here i am again on a saturday night. this has been my life for the last few months. in exactly three weeks from today, i will be home, safe and sound [and happy]. i'm sick of feeling alone and having nothing to do.
blah. i'm so sick of dealing with all this crap. i miss my room, my bed. i miss being able to do whatever i want in my room whenever i want. i just want to go home.
moneta is coming to play in spokane on may 8th. it's the thursday before finals, but i'm hoping i'll be able to find someone to go with me. i miss seeing those guys so much. i haven't seen them since december, which is way too long. i'm almost positive this is their first time to spokane, so i really want to be there to support them. it's at the BLVD, and i haven't been to a show there yet, so it will be fun to see another venue. they're playing with no bragging rights, who are also pretty good. i think the show's only $8 or so, which is really cheap.
i ended up not going to holyfield. i couldn't find anyone to go with me. for me, it's worse to go alone than not at all. i would be so bored between bands, and i'd just feel so awkward being there alone. concerts aren't really something you do alone. i was devastated. luckily they are playing at the showbox on may 23rd with moneta, so i'll get to see both of them then for sure! that show's going to be amazing. it's just about a week after i get home, so it's a perfect homecoming present for me :]
i got 60% on my old testament test that i took on monday. oh yes. what annoys me is that i studied for about 4-5 hours, and still did that poorly. i hate that class so much. i took it because i thought it would be good to learn more about the old testament, since so many churches focus on preaching from the new testament. there was so much of it that i didn't know, and i thought this class would be the perfect opportunity to learn more. false. this class has been the biggest waste of time in my life. the professor's lectures are so unorganized. he's just all over the place, and i can never really follow. i don't feel like i've learned much, and i have a C+ in the class. it's not even required for my major or general education requirement and it's going to bring my gpa down. hopefully, i'll be able to scrape together a B- by then end of the semester. i don't want to ever get less than a B- in college. i'm really disappointed that it hasn't been a good class.
i think next semester is going to be a good one. i'm really excited to have a new start - new classes, new dorm, new roommate, new friends, [new love interests? haha]. i'm taking beginning guitar class next semester too, which i'm super pumped for. i've been wanting to learn for a couple years now, and never had the time or will power to sit down and teach myself, so i'm excited to finally start learning. hopefully i will enjoy it. i love piano, and it's extremely therapeutic for me, so i hope that guitar will do the same....once i'm good enough to actually play stuff.
it's only 10:30, but i feel like going to sleep. what am i doing right now? nothing. i either go to bed now, which will most likely result in waking up early, and do nothing tomorrow, or i stay up late doing nothing and wake up late tomorrow. which sounds more fun to you? i am actually kind of tired right now, despite the fact that i woke up at 12:30 today. i really have no reason to be tired. maybe the loneliness and lack of friends is so draining that it's actually making me tired. wouldn't that be great? gosh, i just can't wait till summer, when i will actually have a social life. it's gonna be great. though, i still have no idea where i'm going to work, which is kind of stressing me out....actually, it's really stressing me out. i'm going to have to go job hunting pretty much the week i get home, which is going to majorly suck.
i only have to suffer through three more weeks here. i hope i can make it without losing my mind.
blah. i'm so sick of dealing with all this crap. i miss my room, my bed. i miss being able to do whatever i want in my room whenever i want. i just want to go home.
moneta is coming to play in spokane on may 8th. it's the thursday before finals, but i'm hoping i'll be able to find someone to go with me. i miss seeing those guys so much. i haven't seen them since december, which is way too long. i'm almost positive this is their first time to spokane, so i really want to be there to support them. it's at the BLVD, and i haven't been to a show there yet, so it will be fun to see another venue. they're playing with no bragging rights, who are also pretty good. i think the show's only $8 or so, which is really cheap.
i ended up not going to holyfield. i couldn't find anyone to go with me. for me, it's worse to go alone than not at all. i would be so bored between bands, and i'd just feel so awkward being there alone. concerts aren't really something you do alone. i was devastated. luckily they are playing at the showbox on may 23rd with moneta, so i'll get to see both of them then for sure! that show's going to be amazing. it's just about a week after i get home, so it's a perfect homecoming present for me :]
i got 60% on my old testament test that i took on monday. oh yes. what annoys me is that i studied for about 4-5 hours, and still did that poorly. i hate that class so much. i took it because i thought it would be good to learn more about the old testament, since so many churches focus on preaching from the new testament. there was so much of it that i didn't know, and i thought this class would be the perfect opportunity to learn more. false. this class has been the biggest waste of time in my life. the professor's lectures are so unorganized. he's just all over the place, and i can never really follow. i don't feel like i've learned much, and i have a C+ in the class. it's not even required for my major or general education requirement and it's going to bring my gpa down. hopefully, i'll be able to scrape together a B- by then end of the semester. i don't want to ever get less than a B- in college. i'm really disappointed that it hasn't been a good class.
i think next semester is going to be a good one. i'm really excited to have a new start - new classes, new dorm, new roommate, new friends, [new love interests? haha]. i'm taking beginning guitar class next semester too, which i'm super pumped for. i've been wanting to learn for a couple years now, and never had the time or will power to sit down and teach myself, so i'm excited to finally start learning. hopefully i will enjoy it. i love piano, and it's extremely therapeutic for me, so i hope that guitar will do the same....once i'm good enough to actually play stuff.
it's only 10:30, but i feel like going to sleep. what am i doing right now? nothing. i either go to bed now, which will most likely result in waking up early, and do nothing tomorrow, or i stay up late doing nothing and wake up late tomorrow. which sounds more fun to you? i am actually kind of tired right now, despite the fact that i woke up at 12:30 today. i really have no reason to be tired. maybe the loneliness and lack of friends is so draining that it's actually making me tired. wouldn't that be great? gosh, i just can't wait till summer, when i will actually have a social life. it's gonna be great. though, i still have no idea where i'm going to work, which is kind of stressing me out....actually, it's really stressing me out. i'm going to have to go job hunting pretty much the week i get home, which is going to majorly suck.
i only have to suffer through three more weeks here. i hope i can make it without losing my mind.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
random acts of kindness.
you know what i love more than anything in the whole, wide world? random acts of kindness. they are pretty much the greatest things anyone can do. it's one of those things where i was having a bad couple of days, but then someone does something that unknowingly makes everything a little better and easier to bear. the best part is, they have no idea that what they're doing will help you in some greater capacity; they just do it out of the kindness of their hearts. something as simple as a random compliment or unexpected hug (hugs are only accepted from certain people, mind you) can change my entire outlook on my current situation. a few days ago, i had two such things happen to me by two random people in a matter of an hour. one was a stranger and one was simply an acquaintance. it made me pick my head up a bit and think "well, someone cares." these people had no idea that i am going through hard times, which made it mean that much more to me.
it makes me realize that there are still a lot of good people in the world, who care about others enough to show it shamelessly. these two people have no idea who they are, and probably have no idea that what was said or done had such an impact on me, and i love that. i've been having a hard time here recently...the last few weeks have been rough as far as the homesickness is concerned. after these two things happened though, i honestly feel better. so, thanks a million, good-doers, for brightening my day. and to the rest of you: we all should do more random acts of kindness. i think the world would be a much more pleasant place to live in.
on another note, my weekend was amazing. i got to see barcelona twice in two days, ivoryline, the maine, and family force 5. i've been a fan of ivoryline and the maine for quite some time now, and they both exceeded any expectations i had for their live shows. what surprised me the most was how insanely sweet the guys from the maine were! they were so chill and i could just tell that they love meeting their fans, signing autographs, and taking pictures. they seem like one of those bands who really, really value every single person that comes out to a show, and every single fan who buys their album. those are the bands i love the most - no matter how popular they get, they still appreciate each individual person. it was kinda weird though, because they're all about my age. i talked to three of them, and they were just so real. i'm so happy they're playing at warped tour this summer, so i'll get to see them again. ivoryline was also really good. i only got to talk to two of the guys, and they were nice. they seemed kind of tired, which is only logical...i can't imagine having to drive all day long, unload all your gear, play an intense show, then have to go to your merch booth and put on a happy face for all your fans, load all your gear, and start all over again. i bet they are just constantly exhausted. at least they still came out. family force 5 was the craziest thing i've ever seen or heard...and that's all i'm going to say. unfortunately, after that wonderful eve of music, i had to go to relay for life. i had already been standing for about 5 hours, then i had to go walk around a track. i was so exhausted that i just tried to go to sleep....but i had to sleep on the gym floor with nothing but two thin blankets between me and the floor. because of this, i now have a huge kink in my back that refuses to retreat.
on an extremely somber note, holyfield is coming to spokane tomorrow night. the person that was supposed to go with me told me he's not going to come any more. i'm not going to go alone. that would be worse than simply not going at all. i'm hoping rebecca will be well enough to accompany me to the show tomorrow. i've been looking forward to this concert for at least three months, and when i found out that my friend wasn't coming, i literally came back to my room and cried. that sounds so lame, but to me, going to this concert is like seeing a piece of home that i haven't seen in 6 months. holyfield is one of my favorite bands, and i'm praying that i'll be able to go.
i'm supposed to be writing a philosophy paper right now. it's due on tuesday. unfortunately, for some reason, i cannot force myself to write a paper until the day before it's due...so apparently i'll be writing it tomorrow. but, it is 11:55 already and i'm utterly exhausted from this eventful weekend. sleep tight.
it makes me realize that there are still a lot of good people in the world, who care about others enough to show it shamelessly. these two people have no idea who they are, and probably have no idea that what was said or done had such an impact on me, and i love that. i've been having a hard time here recently...the last few weeks have been rough as far as the homesickness is concerned. after these two things happened though, i honestly feel better. so, thanks a million, good-doers, for brightening my day. and to the rest of you: we all should do more random acts of kindness. i think the world would be a much more pleasant place to live in.
on another note, my weekend was amazing. i got to see barcelona twice in two days, ivoryline, the maine, and family force 5. i've been a fan of ivoryline and the maine for quite some time now, and they both exceeded any expectations i had for their live shows. what surprised me the most was how insanely sweet the guys from the maine were! they were so chill and i could just tell that they love meeting their fans, signing autographs, and taking pictures. they seem like one of those bands who really, really value every single person that comes out to a show, and every single fan who buys their album. those are the bands i love the most - no matter how popular they get, they still appreciate each individual person. it was kinda weird though, because they're all about my age. i talked to three of them, and they were just so real. i'm so happy they're playing at warped tour this summer, so i'll get to see them again. ivoryline was also really good. i only got to talk to two of the guys, and they were nice. they seemed kind of tired, which is only logical...i can't imagine having to drive all day long, unload all your gear, play an intense show, then have to go to your merch booth and put on a happy face for all your fans, load all your gear, and start all over again. i bet they are just constantly exhausted. at least they still came out. family force 5 was the craziest thing i've ever seen or heard...and that's all i'm going to say. unfortunately, after that wonderful eve of music, i had to go to relay for life. i had already been standing for about 5 hours, then i had to go walk around a track. i was so exhausted that i just tried to go to sleep....but i had to sleep on the gym floor with nothing but two thin blankets between me and the floor. because of this, i now have a huge kink in my back that refuses to retreat.
on an extremely somber note, holyfield is coming to spokane tomorrow night. the person that was supposed to go with me told me he's not going to come any more. i'm not going to go alone. that would be worse than simply not going at all. i'm hoping rebecca will be well enough to accompany me to the show tomorrow. i've been looking forward to this concert for at least three months, and when i found out that my friend wasn't coming, i literally came back to my room and cried. that sounds so lame, but to me, going to this concert is like seeing a piece of home that i haven't seen in 6 months. holyfield is one of my favorite bands, and i'm praying that i'll be able to go.
i'm supposed to be writing a philosophy paper right now. it's due on tuesday. unfortunately, for some reason, i cannot force myself to write a paper until the day before it's due...so apparently i'll be writing it tomorrow. but, it is 11:55 already and i'm utterly exhausted from this eventful weekend. sleep tight.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
7up shirt and kicks
Sometimes i feel so conflicted, confused. what on earth am i doing here anyway? is this where i am supposed to be? some days, i feel wonderful, included...happy. but then there's other days where i just want to go home and never look back. there are days when i feel so alone that i can hardly bear it, and i have no idea how to alleviate that feeling of utter solitude. i can't force people to befriend me. there's still five and half weeks until i'm done with my freshman year. in the grand scheme of things, this is no time at all, but from my point of view, it seems incredibly daunting. it feels like summer will never come. i long to be home, where i feel loved and secure, to be in an encouraging environment surrounded by familiarity and comfort. i can say that i am almost excited to come back in the fall. i can't wait for new classes, hopefully some new friends, and just an all around new start. i want this year to be over, done, and forgotten.
i wrote that this afternoon. it's now 10:40 pm and today hasn't gotten any better like i had hoped it would. i'm just speechless. actions speak much, much louder than words, and i am finally beginning to understand that. i'm really quite homesick right now. when i get homesick, i like to torture myself by listening to my favorite seattle bands that i haven't been able to see here, looking at old pictures of family, friends and pets, and usually crying about it all. why i torture myself this way, i have no idea. sometimes i just need to cry, though it usually doesn't help. if anything, it makes me miss all those things even more. right now i'm listening to holyfield, easily one of my top 5 favorite bands. i've been a fan for at least two years now. i listen, close my eyes, and take myself to one of their shows. i envision the crowd jumping all around me and shouting the words at the top of our lungs. i can see ryry whipping his hair back and forth and tony with his 7up shirt and kicks. it's an unexplainable feeling of nostalgia, and i want to go back to that time. i want to be back at the showbox up against the stage, smashed in by hundreds of people with the same passion. i miss the anticipation of waiting outside for an hour, then waiting inside for an hour, and then having the band finally come on and have it all be worth it. it's always worth it.
i can't sit here and moan forever, as much as i would love to. unfortunately, i have homework to do, and i don't think "i was homesick last night" is going to work as an excuse.
i wrote that this afternoon. it's now 10:40 pm and today hasn't gotten any better like i had hoped it would. i'm just speechless. actions speak much, much louder than words, and i am finally beginning to understand that. i'm really quite homesick right now. when i get homesick, i like to torture myself by listening to my favorite seattle bands that i haven't been able to see here, looking at old pictures of family, friends and pets, and usually crying about it all. why i torture myself this way, i have no idea. sometimes i just need to cry, though it usually doesn't help. if anything, it makes me miss all those things even more. right now i'm listening to holyfield, easily one of my top 5 favorite bands. i've been a fan for at least two years now. i listen, close my eyes, and take myself to one of their shows. i envision the crowd jumping all around me and shouting the words at the top of our lungs. i can see ryry whipping his hair back and forth and tony with his 7up shirt and kicks. it's an unexplainable feeling of nostalgia, and i want to go back to that time. i want to be back at the showbox up against the stage, smashed in by hundreds of people with the same passion. i miss the anticipation of waiting outside for an hour, then waiting inside for an hour, and then having the band finally come on and have it all be worth it. it's always worth it.
i can't sit here and moan forever, as much as i would love to. unfortunately, i have homework to do, and i don't think "i was homesick last night" is going to work as an excuse.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
grown to hate
it's been basically an eternity since i've written anything here...especially considering how much has happened since then. i just got back from spring break on sunday, which was a blasty blast. it was so nice to go home for a few days and just relax and have some home-cooked meals. it was really good to see my friends from home too. then i went down to california which was so much fun....and it was so nice to be in warm weather. plus, i managed to escape the snow in both spokane and seattle. i'm soooo sick of the snow. i've definitely grown to hate it. the sad thing is that it went by extremely fast....and now i'm back at school. i have a few good concerts to look forward to in the next few weeks though, which is wonderful.
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