i instantly have something in common with everyone in the room

today has been mediocre at best. i burned my pinky while straightening my hair. it stung like no other, and now there is a lovely red welt where healthy skin used to be. luckily, the pain has ceased. i'm honestly surprised this is the first time i've really burned my self on my flat iron. considering i use it every day, i guess i've mastered the art of not injuring myself. this one little burn isn't going to stop me from straightening my hair. it will probably leave a scar though.

i am so sick of people backing out on me at the last minute...or at all for that matter. i put all of this faith in people to follow through and do what they say they will do. unfortunately, i am beginning to realize that, more often than not, i am let down. i expect that people will keep their promises of sorts, and then i feel hurt when those promises aren't kept. the excuses are unending, and i'm sick of hearing them. i continue to experience this, and yet, i still have faith. i guess it's just in my character to be trusting of people, even when they give me no reason whatsoever to trust a word that comes out of their mouth. it's my own fault i suppose, for trying to be a good friend and look for the best in others. for some reason, i can't stop giving more chances. no matter how angry i get, i will always forgive and forget, even if i don't do it actively. what, then, can i do?

i had a realization today. in the past few months, i've had people ask me "why are you becoming emo?" or, "what's with this change of style?". i guess i never really knew what to say. for one, i would consider myself emo, but not necessarily hardcore. i do wear skinny jeans, and my main style is on the emo side, but i still wear not-emo clothes sometimes. i guess the only 'label' i really think i fit with is 'emo,' even though i'm not nearly as emo as a lot of people. i just know that i'm not 'prep' or anything like that. so anyway, back to my realization. i started to think back to the last couple of years, when i really started going to more shows and getting more into that whole scene. i think the reason i started to change my style was not to fit in with the crowd at the shows, but because i felt that i did fit in with them. people at shows are not judgemental (for the most part...there's always a few jerks). they are far, far less judgemental than preppy kids, and they don't look down on you. whenever i walk into abercrombie (against my will, of course), i feel like i'm not welcome, like everyone is looking at me thinking "why are you here? we don't have clothes to fit you here." it makes me feel like crap. when i go to a show, i instantly have something in common with everyone in the room - a love for the music i'm about to hear. there's this feeling of camaraderie in the crowd. you're all there for the same reason. the emo style is open to bigger people, and for once, i didn't feel like people were staring and judging. my shift to that style was extremely gradual - i didn't just go out one day and buy a whole new wardrobe and get a crazy haircut. i feel like the style is fitting for my personality, despite the stereotypes that people have (i.e., emo people are depressed, cut themselves, etc). this is the first time that i have felt like i belong to a group. in the past, i never really had a style, i just wore whatever i wanted or what i thought looked good. now, i feel like i have a definitive style, and i don't care if people don't like it.

the countdown is on. 20 days until i come home.