puttting things in perspective

it's weird how life hits you sometimes, ya know? one day, everything is wonderful and i'm without a care in the world. the next, a tragedy occurs. on sunday, the whitworth community was informed that a freshman named dan had been involved in a car accident in which he broke both legs and suffered a head injury. today, we were informed that he was pronounced dead at 10 am this morning. i barely knew dan. he sat two seats away from me in sociology, and we rarely exchanged words. there was this horribly somber feeling all around campus today, despite the fact that many students were not close with him. in such a small community, things like this hit hard, and very close to home. it made me extremely thankful for my life, and put things into perspective for me. after my car accident this summer, i was anything but thankful. i felt like my life was over - i was without a car, i couldn't ride or do anything because of my thumb, i had to get surgery and do physical therapy, and most of all, i was just really depressed that my last summer before college was completely ruined because of it. in retrospect, it was a miracle that i walked away from that accident with only a broken thumb. i suffered no neck injuries, no back injuries, and no head injuries. thinking about dan, and how he did not escape with his life makes me realize that i should have been a lot more thankful than i was. we prayed in sociology for his family and friends. it's crazy to think that one day you're here, and the next you could be gone. one person wrote on facebook that dan is probably eating chipotle with jesus right now. it's comforting to know that he went to be home with God.

it's just been a weird, weird day.

the countdown continues, only 19 days until i'm done with school. it's all a little surreal, really. in one sense, the year has gone by extremely fast, but on the other hand, it seems like the end will never come. when i think back about the eight or so months here, i realize that i've done a lot of growing and maturing since coming here. i've had so many more problems and so much more drama than i dealt with throughout all of high school. being here, with no way to run away from it, has forced me to face my problems. although, many times, i buried the problems until they boiled over and i couldn't contain it any more. i think i will always have this issue. i hate talking about my feelings, to anyone, and more importantly, i hate confrontation. i've come to terms with a lot of things that have happened, even though i don't necessarily agree with them. i've been able to turn to god in my most desperate times, simply because there was no one else there for me. despite my inability to go to the church i wanted (due to lack of transportation), i feel like i've grown closer to god in my time here. i also realized that i've become a lot more accepting of who i am. i know that i will never be completely okay with myself, no matter what. i will always be self-conscious, but at least i've gotten to a point where i can see myself the way i want others to see me, not how they actually see me. i still have a lot of growing and changing to do, but i'm on my way.

some days are easier than others. some days i am carefree and happy. others, it's hard to get out of bed and go to class...it's hard to put on a happy face for people and pretend that life is wonderful. a lot of people here think that life is just perfect - that no one has problems, or feels sad, or feels alone. in reality, i've never felt more alone in my life. i'm really just sick of pretending like nothings wrong. i am so ready to go home and get away from here for a while. i'm excited for a new start in the fall, and there are a lot of things i'm going to do differently next year. i've learned from my mistakes.

it started raining a couple hours ago. i love being inside with the window open, listening to the rain drops strike the glass. it reminds me of home...those rainy summer nights, lying in bed without a care in the world, listening to the pitter patter, pitter patter, pitter patter.