leaving without a parting word.

well, golly, it's been a long time. i'm finally home now. finals went well for the most part, and i'm kind of in awe of the grades that i managed to pull off this semester. it was a very hard semester for me, not just because of the classes that i was taking, but because of everything i was dealing with and going through. i managed to scrape together a B in old testament, which was a miracle of god. and my professor was nice enough to round my 82.3% up to an 83 in order to have a B instead of a B-. what a nice guy. i actually pulled off a B+ in philosophy of religion, and i'm very proud of that. it was a 300 level philosophy class, and my first one at that. the subject was so difficult for me, and it definitely stretched my mind, but also helped me think about why i believe what i believe. in my math class i got 74/76 on the final [what a joke] and my final grade in the class was 99%. psh. you know how i do. i don't care enough about the rest of my classes to even mention them.

packing up my room was awesome. i really enjoyed the last week of school. it was nice to take an hour here and there out of studying to work on packing up my stuff. it's kind of ironic because i like to orgnize and clean when i'm sad, angry, or stressed out. it helps clear my head. the packing became that for me during finals week. i was happy to leave that room. it held a lot of memories that i want to forget. it was full of lonely days, sleepless nights, and tear-stained pillows. it became a constant reminder of my friendless-ness. i was more than happy to leave without a parting word.

i've already been to two shows since i've been home. i went to see my favies holyfield and moneta at the showbox the friday after i got back. it was soo great to finally see them again. especially considering how pissed i was after missing both of their concerts when they came to spokane during the last semester. both of their shows were so good and their followings in seattle have really grown in the last year. then i went to see bank when they were playing at seattle university a couple days ago. it was cool because there were about ten-fifteen other people there. it was pretty cool, and i hadn't seen them in about two years, so that was fun. i don't think i have any more on the calendar until june 20th when i'm taking my sister to finally see barcelona.


it's very weird being home. i mean, don't get me wrong, it's really nice to finally be home again. this whole job search is really stressing me out. most places are not hiring temporary workers, so it's hard to find any place that will hire me. even target isn't accepting summer workers, and that was my fall back! i'm sure i'll eventually find something, but my parents keep nagging me about it. it's not like i'm not trying! ugh. i don't want to think about it. it's really just stressing me out and almost making me wish i was just back at school. wow. i never thought i would say that!

a thousand things

i have about a thousand other things i should be doing right now instead of writing this. most importantly i have a paper due in old testament on monday that i haven't started. i have been in the coffee shop trying to write it for the past two and a half hours and this is all i have: Reading and understanding the Old Testament is necessary for Christian faith because. i think one reason i haven't really started yet is because i don't know which prompt to write from. i was given four choices, and none of them are easy, or really seem do-able right now. plus, i've realized that it is practically physically impossible for me to force myself to write a paper before the day it is due. if i could at least get started, that would be good. i have a thousand things running through my head...how am i going to finish my paper? how am i going to finish my project? how am i going to not get a C+ in old testament? how will i have enough time to study for philosophy? are my final grades going to be good enough to get the better grades? how am i going to talk about a microsoft access database for ten minutes? how am i going to find time to get it all done? when am i going to pack? what am i going to do about a summer job? i just can't focus.

in exactly one week from today, i will be at home sweet home, unpacking my things and holding my kitten. i will be eating a home cooked meal. i will be able to play my music as loud as i want. i will be able to watch cable tv. i will be able to sit on a leather sofa. i will be able to play my piano. i can't wait to go home. when i think back, this year has gone by very quickly, but not with a lack of struggles. this year has been the hardest of my entire life. i've gone through changes, and i've matured more than i had thought. lots of things change. i've learned to deal with problems without blowing up, though there were a substantial amount of tears that no one saw but me. i never got used the loneliness, and hopefully next year will be different. hopefully i will make some more friends, and not have to eat all my meals alone. oh, and so much for the "ring by spring" concept. i really don't see myself meeting my future husband here. i can't see myself with anyone i have met. though, i guess you never know what the new freshmen will be like ;]

i still have mixed feelings about whitworth. i thought it was the perfect fit for me when i chose to come here. i'm still not so sure. earlier this semester i had considered transferring. i just hope that i won't regret my decision not to. though, i am going to new york and DC for jan term, which i am so excited for. and living in a different dorm may offer a completely different experience - ideally, a better experience.

i am just going to try to smile through this week. it will probably be my most stressful week of the entire year, but smilers? they never lose, and frowners? they never win.

wanting nothing more than to disappear

the lonely days drag on as if they'll never end. they haunt me ceaselessly. the cafeteria has become a place of utter distaste. not because of the food, mind you, but because it is where my solitary confinement truly reveals itself. the last time i shared a meal with someone was thursday. it is now tuesday. if you remove breakfast from the equation (because i almost always eat in my room), then that is ten meals in a row that i've eaten alone. in the large cafeteria full of people, full of friends, i sit alone, picking miserably at my made-in-bulk, god-only-knows-what-i'm-eating meal. i try to go at times when the masses aren't there. i eat late lunches at 1 and late dinners at 7. though, this doesn't make it any less lonely and unbearable. i scarf my food down, wanting nothing more than to disappear and reappear in my room. i hate this.

i don't know what to do to change the situation. i'm tired of seeming desperate, asking my one friend to go to meals with me every single day, and then being shot down. i guess i'll just try harder to make more friends next year (even though i tried freaking hard this year) and hopefully not have to deal with this any more.

moneta comes here on thursday. i want to go, but i don't have anyone to go with. i really miss those guys, so i need to find someone to accompany me. hopefully, i will get lucky this time...unlike when holyfield came and i was left with no one. but honestly, if i can't find someone to simply eat lunch with me, lord knows i'll never be able to find someone to go to a concert with me.

i've been listening to love at the core, run kid run's new album. it is really great, and i completely recommend it. it sounds pretty similar to their last album, but the songs are different enough. i've been turning to music the last few weeks to get away from everything...to escape into my own little world. it helps numb me a little.

i still have two tests, two papers, one project, one presentation, and four finals to get through. i'm starting to stress out about everything that needs to get done...mostly because i'm on the borderline of a grade in almost every single class, so if i want to get the higher grades, i'm going to have to study really hard and write amazing papers. i'm just trying to take it a day at at time and not freak out too much. i'll probably really be freaking out this weekend when i start studying more and realize how much i don't know. because, FINALS stands for: Frick I Never Actually Learned This Stuff. didn't you know?

11 days till home. they posted the check-out list on my door today. it's actually happening soon! i can't wait to move out!

overall, it was just really awkward.

last night i thought of all of these things to write about, but was too tired. now i forgot everything interesting that i had planned on writing. so now you get to read about nothing important.

my thumbs been hurting a lot lately. it's been really sore the last few days, and i can't figure out why. the muscles and tendons just don't feel very happy with me right now. this kind of makes me worry about how bad it's going to be in a few years from now, or when i'm fifty. it scares me that it may just get worse until when i'm really old, i won't even be able to use it. it just sucks. hopefully it will feel better tomorrow...though that's what i said a few days ago.

i went riding yesterday. i rode this horse named jack, who's apparently won everything there is to win in the appaloosa world. if you ask me, he wasn't that amazing. plus he threw a fit the entire time i was riding him, and tried to run me into the wall while i was tacking up. he was a brat. he was also really big, about 16.2...which was weird for me. i'm used to riding little 15 hand arabians. he was built like a tank. his trot was absolutely huge and he covered a ton of ground with each step. it was hard to get used to, compared to what i've been riding for the last few years. i honestly just wish i could ride a normal horse. the horse i rode the first few times, dj, was relatively normal, and she was really sweet. then i rode a spazzy arab named sonny, who didn't really know how to trot in a forward motion or stop. then i rode a tennessee walker named tiffany, who tried really, really hard to buck me off and then laid down and tried to roll over on me. now i'm riding a crazy appaloosa (without spots) who randomly turns on his haunches, tries to buck, and refuses to settle down. seriously, can i just ride a normal horse for once? oh, and i have wonderful blisters on my ring fingers from pulling on the reins so hard, and my shoulders are sore from pulling so hard.

so new heights came to play a lunch time show at whitworth yesterday. it was really sad...me and emilie were the only people actually listening. then when a new class period started, we were two of about five people still there (i, of course, skipped class, haha). we hung out in there for a few minutes after they were done playing, and then got up to leave. as we were walking out, their guitar player offered us some skittles, so we said sure. then the lead singer introduced himself to us, so we told him our names and such. he thanked us for coming out to the show. then he was like "did one of you leave us a comment on myspace?" and i was like, "uh...yea, i think that was me" and they're all like "oh, ya! i remember you now, maddie!" "i remember too!" "ya, me too" "awesome!". it was kinda awkward. then i told them that i had skipped class to come, and then they offered me more skittles, but i was wearing these glove things, so i couldn't really grab them. it was awkward. then they thanked us again for coming out, and said they wished they could hang out more but they had to leave. they said they hoped to see us at a show this summer in seattle, and i said "ya, for sure." overall, it was just really awkward. and i felt really bad for them because they drove five hours to play for pretty much two people, haha. well, at least i enjoyed it. and hopefully they'll be having some seattle shows that i can go to this summer.

it's a wonderfully sunny day today, and i love it like nobody's business. it's not too warm - low 60's, but it's still nice, and i don't need a jacket. pretty much the entire student body is outside. the lawns are littered with blankets and bodies soaking in the warm rays. it's fantastic.

i forgot to water one of my plants for two or three days...i watered it today, but it may beyond saving. hopefully i will be able to resurrect it.

i'm currently obsessed with the following song...

Go On, by Holyfield:
I wanted to remember how i came to you, Lord
I'll sing about your honesty to grow in you more
the times that you have captured me, you never left me
and the times that i have said goodbye, you held me closer to you
Go on and chase him, you're nothing without him.
Go on and chase him, you're nothing without him.
Don't give in, live your life.

obviously, most of that is repeated, but it's basically the most amazing song. i could listen to it all day.

sooo, 14 days. ahh! i can't believe that i will be going home in two weeks. it's so surreal. oh man, and moneta is coming in 6 days...sooooo pumped for that!