a thousand things

i have about a thousand other things i should be doing right now instead of writing this. most importantly i have a paper due in old testament on monday that i haven't started. i have been in the coffee shop trying to write it for the past two and a half hours and this is all i have: Reading and understanding the Old Testament is necessary for Christian faith because. i think one reason i haven't really started yet is because i don't know which prompt to write from. i was given four choices, and none of them are easy, or really seem do-able right now. plus, i've realized that it is practically physically impossible for me to force myself to write a paper before the day it is due. if i could at least get started, that would be good. i have a thousand things running through my head...how am i going to finish my paper? how am i going to finish my project? how am i going to not get a C+ in old testament? how will i have enough time to study for philosophy? are my final grades going to be good enough to get the better grades? how am i going to talk about a microsoft access database for ten minutes? how am i going to find time to get it all done? when am i going to pack? what am i going to do about a summer job? i just can't focus.

in exactly one week from today, i will be at home sweet home, unpacking my things and holding my kitten. i will be eating a home cooked meal. i will be able to play my music as loud as i want. i will be able to watch cable tv. i will be able to sit on a leather sofa. i will be able to play my piano. i can't wait to go home. when i think back, this year has gone by very quickly, but not with a lack of struggles. this year has been the hardest of my entire life. i've gone through changes, and i've matured more than i had thought. lots of things change. i've learned to deal with problems without blowing up, though there were a substantial amount of tears that no one saw but me. i never got used the loneliness, and hopefully next year will be different. hopefully i will make some more friends, and not have to eat all my meals alone. oh, and so much for the "ring by spring" concept. i really don't see myself meeting my future husband here. i can't see myself with anyone i have met. though, i guess you never know what the new freshmen will be like ;]

i still have mixed feelings about whitworth. i thought it was the perfect fit for me when i chose to come here. i'm still not so sure. earlier this semester i had considered transferring. i just hope that i won't regret my decision not to. though, i am going to new york and DC for jan term, which i am so excited for. and living in a different dorm may offer a completely different experience - ideally, a better experience.

i am just going to try to smile through this week. it will probably be my most stressful week of the entire year, but smilers? they never lose, and frowners? they never win.