wanting nothing more than to disappear

the lonely days drag on as if they'll never end. they haunt me ceaselessly. the cafeteria has become a place of utter distaste. not because of the food, mind you, but because it is where my solitary confinement truly reveals itself. the last time i shared a meal with someone was thursday. it is now tuesday. if you remove breakfast from the equation (because i almost always eat in my room), then that is ten meals in a row that i've eaten alone. in the large cafeteria full of people, full of friends, i sit alone, picking miserably at my made-in-bulk, god-only-knows-what-i'm-eating meal. i try to go at times when the masses aren't there. i eat late lunches at 1 and late dinners at 7. though, this doesn't make it any less lonely and unbearable. i scarf my food down, wanting nothing more than to disappear and reappear in my room. i hate this.

i don't know what to do to change the situation. i'm tired of seeming desperate, asking my one friend to go to meals with me every single day, and then being shot down. i guess i'll just try harder to make more friends next year (even though i tried freaking hard this year) and hopefully not have to deal with this any more.

moneta comes here on thursday. i want to go, but i don't have anyone to go with. i really miss those guys, so i need to find someone to accompany me. hopefully, i will get lucky this time...unlike when holyfield came and i was left with no one. but honestly, if i can't find someone to simply eat lunch with me, lord knows i'll never be able to find someone to go to a concert with me.

i've been listening to love at the core, run kid run's new album. it is really great, and i completely recommend it. it sounds pretty similar to their last album, but the songs are different enough. i've been turning to music the last few weeks to get away from everything...to escape into my own little world. it helps numb me a little.

i still have two tests, two papers, one project, one presentation, and four finals to get through. i'm starting to stress out about everything that needs to get done...mostly because i'm on the borderline of a grade in almost every single class, so if i want to get the higher grades, i'm going to have to study really hard and write amazing papers. i'm just trying to take it a day at at time and not freak out too much. i'll probably really be freaking out this weekend when i start studying more and realize how much i don't know. because, FINALS stands for: Frick I Never Actually Learned This Stuff. didn't you know?

11 days till home. they posted the check-out list on my door today. it's actually happening soon! i can't wait to move out!