what happened to the "yes we can!" attitude?

i'm gonna be honest, i don't want to blog about politics, but i just can't help myself right now.

what's so effing bad about universal health-care system? if you are against this idea, then please, just for one second consider what you would do right now if you were one of the 47 million americans who don't have health-care [http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2009/07/america-cannot-afford-to-wait-on-health-care-reform-.html]. maybe you work a minimum wage job and your employer won't give you enough hours to get full benefits. what if you have kids that need health-care? a dentist? glasses? some like to claim or assume that people who don't have health-care coverage are just lazy. just homeless. just whatever. and it's simply not true. if you put yourself in the shoes of someone else who is actually in desperate need of some form of health-care, you may see that what Obama's trying to do is actually quite helpful.

i read this article in the seattle times a couple days ago and thought it was really interesting: "http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2009506926_canahealth21.html it talks about the myths and truths of canada's health care system and there was a lot of information in there that i wasn't aware of. one thing i found interesting and quite disturbing was the fact that canada spends 10% of GDP on health-care and everyone, every where is covered. the US spends 15.3% of GDP and we still have millions of people with no care. there is obviously a major issue with the way our money is being spent.

let me make myself clear. i am not a socialist, by any means. and neither is obama, as much as people loooove to make him seem like one. lots of people are quick to judge that obama was the wrong choice, that he's done nothing to help the country since he's been in office. the state of our economy and other things - the health care system being one of them, provided obama with a country falling apart at the seams as he stepped into office. i'd say we need to be a little more hopeful and supportive of what he's trying to accomplish. no one would have been able to fix our situation in a few short months, no matter how much experience they had. what happened to the "yes we can!" attitude that we all (or at least Obama's supporters...) had when we was elected and then inaugurated?

my "friends" on facebook are not actually my friends.

i'm starting to realize that the majority of my "friends" on facebook are not actually my friends. they're mostly acquaintances from college or old friends from high school that i no longer correspond with. some of the people that i'm "friends" with that go to whitworth don't even say hi to me when they see me on campus (though, i'm just as guilty as they are). can i really consider someone i met one time and won't even wave at in the cafeteria a "friend"? it's a weird realization for me. i've never been the type that had a lot of friends. my phone was never ringing off the hook and my calendar was never jam-packed with social events. i usually have a small core group that i get to know really well and stick with them for a long time. of course, there are always people outside that group that i consider to be my friends, but they're no more than people to talk to or eat lunch with. i would not go to them for advice or even to hang out if i'm bored. and when i think about how many friends i actually have, there aren't very many. i guess that's just my personality. i can get along with pretty much anyone. i'm super welcoming and i really do like meeting new people, it just takes a long time for me to get to know a person well enough to consider them a close friend.

there's a part of me that wishes i was just friends with everyone - that my phone would be ringing off the hook with people trying to talk to me and hang out. but on the other hand, i am a pretty independent person. as much as i love being with friends, i need a good amount of alone time if i want to function properly. i need time to think through things and just be. or maybe i just hate feeling too busy and rushed. when you've got so many people to spend time with, how can you ever really focus on the person you're with, when you're only thinking about how you're seeing someone else in two hours?

or maybe it's a trust thing. maybe i don't get close to people for a long time because i don't trust them yet. while on the other side of that, if a friend breaks my trust after i've let my walls down, it's the worst thing in the world.

it's just weird to step back and look at my life. i have a hundred acquaintances and a very few good friends that i would trust my life with. and i think i like it that way?

it promises to be a good birthday.

my summer's almost half over. it's weird to think that i've been home for six weeks already. that's probably because without a job, i've felt useless. i applied to twelve places and have interviewed at two places, but didn't get the job at either. though, i'm almost glad the second place that i interviewed at did not give me the job because i would have died working there. they just seemed so concerned with appearance and style - more concerned with looking the part than actually having good qualities as an employee. a place that shallow is not a place that i want to be working. i'm still hoping that another store will call. at least i'm housesitting soon, which will get me a little money to tide me over.

this weekend should be pretty exciting. the fourth of july is on saturday, which i love! me and alissa are going to go watch the fireworks on the plateau. yes. i know that's totally lame, but at least it'll be fun to go together. i don't really know what i'm going to do the rest of the day, but something will come up, i'm sure. and then sunday is my birthday! in four days, i'll no longer be a teenager. that is weird. but, 20's not a very exciting age. i wish i was turning 21, but not because i want to drink. i don't care about that at all. mostly, i'd just like to be able to go to 21 and over shows! i don't know how many times i've wanted to go to a show and i couldn't because it was 21+. so lame. oh well, that's still only one year to wait. plus, i'm going to see nevershoutnever and the ready set on my birthday at el corazon! that should be a blast. there are rarely shows on my birthday because it's right after a holiday. boys like girls are also playing, but i don't really care about them. i saw them last summer with the maine. they were pretty good, i just don't really care about seeing them again. it promises to be a good birthday.

two more months at home, and then it's back to school. i'm so excited to go back! i can't wait to move into the brand new dorm. and honestly, i'm excited for all my new classes. when i tell people i'm taking physics in the fall - by choice, they think i'm out of my mind, but i can't wait! physics was my favorite science in high school. i just hope that i don't regret my decision to take it.

i'd really like to find a place to horseback ride while i'm home this summer. i miss it a lot. it's been almost two years since i've ridden on a regular basis. it's crazy to think that that part of my life was so important to me for so long, and now it's been absent from my life for two years. hopefully i'll find a place soon!

i got my hair done last week. finally! i hadn't gotten it cut since march and it had grown so much. i tried to dye my own hair before i got it cut, but just ended up messing it up so hardcore. so, i decided i would just get it colored when i went to get it cut. of course, when i looked up the salon online to find the number to make an appointment, i realized the guy who cut my hair last time (which was amazing) was not at the salon any more! so, i went stalker-status and googled his name! luckily, it linked to his twitter so i contacted him on there, which worked out perfectly. i got an appointment two days later. and now, my hair looks bomb. i got quite a bit cut off and it's the shortest i've ever had it, but i love it! and the color looks amazing. it took three hours to do, but it was worth it!

some things have hurt me. some have healed me.

so often i find myself thinking about the world around me. i feel so small and insignificant. and i wonder, has God really orchestrated my life to be this way? did he set things in motion in just this way on purpose? every encounter i've had with a stranger on the street, every decision i've made, is it all part of a plan? is it all leading up to something? i couldn't help think about this when i was wondering why things happen exactly the way they do. all the various interactions i've had with certain people - what was their purpose? was that one fleeting moment of eye contact the last i'll see of that person? was that one random meeting for nothing?

i've always been the quiet thinker type. i process everything until i can't process it any more. lately, i just can't let go of the fact that i have no idea why things happen the way they do. especially the bad things. i often think about my car accident. i'll have a reminder of that day for the rest of my life. i just went to my hand surgeon again after i was having pains in my arm that went down into my thumb and fingers, and my thumb has been causing me pain. he said that as far as seriousness of fractures, mine was 9 out of 10. i don't know if he tried to sugar coat it before to try not to scare me, but i didn't realize it was that bad. he said that some people with fractures that bad will have pain for the rest of their lives just due to the nature of the fracture. great. i will literally take the consequence of the accident with me for the rest of my life. what purpose did that serve? i'm still waiting to find out. it's weird that it's been almost two years since my accident. it feels like it was just yesterday.

i realize that some things i've experienced have made me a stronger person. some things have hurt me. some have healed me. it's all a part of life, i suppose.

i honestly never thought i would miss spokane, but...

i've been neglecting this since i got home from school. why? because i have nothing of interest to report. well, except for the fact that i went down to california for a few days to visit alissa and then drive up to seattle with rachel. i mean, i suppose i did go to disneyland and california adventure with alissa, which was so much fun. we only got to go for a day, but it was awesome. we missed some of the good rides, but still got to do most of my favorites. the matterhorn at night time? heck yes! so anyway, after spending almost a week with alissa, rachel met up with us and we began the drive home at around 5 pm in santa barbara, with the plan to drive through the night or stop for a quick nap somewhere if necessary. unfortunately, we broke down in roseburg, OR around 6 AM after hitting something in the road. a tow truck, a really interesting afternoon, one night in roseburg, and $500 later, we were finally on our way back home. i was glad to finally be home...at first.

i have now applied to 11 different stores. none of them have called me back. so, basically i've just been sitting at home doing a whole lot of nothing. i still haven't fully unpacked all my stuff from school. maybe it's because i just don't want to accept that i'm home for the summer.

i honestly never thought i would miss spokane, but this summer has proved me wrong. i don't necessarily miss the city, just certain things about it. for one, i really miss whitworth - the people, the campus, the coffee shop, people playing frisbee in the loop. also, i find myself missing certain places like dutch bros, the empyrean, didiers, the service station, the onion, old european breakfast house, riverfront park, and manito park. it's a really odd feeling for me, considering my normal distaste for all things about spokane. i think it also has to do with the fact that me being in spokane means school, which means having a schedule and being productive, and also seeing friends. having nothing to do and no schedule to keep to is fun for a few days, but i've been at this for a few weeks now, and it's getting really old. i feel useless, and i hate that. i have no reason to wake up at a decent hour, so i usually get up around ten. and by the time i actually get showered and dressed, the day's half gone - not that i have anything to do anyway.

i'm also going to dye my hair again soon, and hopefully get it cut. it's so long right now! i can't stand it. it's probably grown an inch and a half since i colored it or got i cut, so all the layers are growing out, and the roots on the blond part underneath have grown out soooo much. it's yucky. i'm not quite sure yet what color/colors i'm going to dye it this time. i want something fun and funky, so i'm thinking reddish chunks? we'll see.

on another note, i got to see two of my favorite bands in may - owl city and the classic crime. oh, and relient K, but they're not my favorite. it was my first time seeing owl city and they were fantastic. super awkward, but super cute. and good live. i've lost count of how many times i've seen tcc. but let's just say, it's enough that i can predict that he'll say next. aha. i went with my sisters, which was really fun. we haven't done anything like that together in a long time.

i spent today getting my room in order. finally! now i can breathe easy in here.

the 'show me' state.

i find that i question everything in life. i don't take anything on the word of others. growing up, my mother would tell me that i should live in missouri because it's the "show me" state. i always want evidence. is that a good thing? to want proof of what i'm being told? i'm not so sure.

see, i've realized lately - over the last few months, that i have a really hard time trusting people. not just those close to me, but anyone at all. the last week of classes, i was stressing out about a group project i had to do. i just couldn't put enough trust in some stranger to get his part of the project done and to do it at the same level as i would. in the end, i wound up completing the entire project on my own, mostly because this joker i had for partner did absolutely nothing, even when i did try to include him in what i was doing.

maybe the reason i have such a hard time trusting others is because i'm afraid of getting hurt or let down. if i don't put faith in someone, and trust they'll keep their word, then i won't be disappointed when they don't. i think it's a form of self-preservation that i have, however subconscious it may be.

or maybe i've recently lost my trust in others because my trust has been violated in a way that i couldn't recover from. for a long time, i thought i was pretty trusting of others - too trusting at times. and in the end, it cost me. it hurt me. people failed me and broke that trust.

i don't think that my trust issue is a bad one, though. in fact, i think it helps weed out the people in my life that maybe shouldn't be there. the true friends from the friends. the people that care from the people that look like they care.

i guess the problem isn't really with ones that i'm close to, it just takes me a really long time to trust someone once i meet them. which, i think to an extent, is true for everyone...it's just exaggerated a little in my case.

if nothing else, this summer will be fun.

i've been in my own little world for the past couple weeks. i don't like facing the facts of my life - the fact that in a matter of a couple weeks i will have to miraculously find a summer job. so instead of facing these issues, i just live like a hermit in my own head (DCFC reference, anyone?).

in one week from today (or tomorrow, depending on how my plans end up) i will be back home in sammamish for the summer. i'm definitely torn. there's a major part of me that just wants to skip over the summer completely and move into my new dorm room in the brand new East Hall (which I still can't see the inside of). the stress of finding a job and the fear of not finding one and end up dying of boredom over the summer is a scary enough thought to make me not want to leave. on the other hand, i am so ready for a change, even if that means going home for the summer. i'm sick of the classes and the schedule and feeling like i never do anything fun.

i know that if nothing else, this summer will be fun. i already have a list of about eight shows that i want to go to, and they barely touch july. i'm going to be going to california for a few days to pick up rabid, visit alissa at westmont, and hopefully go to disneyland for a day. then me and rabid will road trip it back up to sammamish. harry potter comes out soon too, and the midnight showing is a tradition of me and rabid's. not to mention, the fourth of july and my birthday. and i might go to warped tour again in august. i really do have a lot to look forward to. i'm sure the summer will go by insanely fast like it always does, and before i know it, i'll be moving into my new room.

i know i'll be getting to see some of my favorite bands this summer, which definitely makes me feel better. i know for sure i'll be seeing two of them - owl city and the classic crime towards the end of may. the secret handshake is coming though seattle in june, artist vs poet is coming in july, this providence/hey monday in june, and i know there are others that i'm forgetting. it's going to be really awesome.

i'm going to start packing either tonight or tomorrow and it actually brings joy to my heart to think about packing up my room. i don't really have a feeling of 'home' there. i'm rarely in my room as it is and it's always cold and dark because it's in the basement. i'm excited and ready to be above group next semester. i need to figure out if i should get boxes to pack stuff, or if i should just try to throw all my clothes in garbage bags to take them home. boxes would be much more organized, but i'm tempted by the ease of the garbage bags.

it still hasn't really hit me that it's may and i'm going home in a week. maybe it'll hit me when i take all my posters and pictures off the wall, when i have my last day of class on monday, when i walk to hawthorne to take my accounting final, when my parents arrive to start packing up the car, or maybe when i get on I-90 to start driving home. because it definitely has not hit me yet. it will be weird not to see everyone for a while. i'm much closer to the girls on my hall than i was last year, and it will be sad to not see them every morning and evening.