7up shirt and kicks

Sometimes i feel so conflicted, confused. what on earth am i doing here anyway? is this where i am supposed to be? some days, i feel wonderful, included...happy. but then there's other days where i just want to go home and never look back. there are days when i feel so alone that i can hardly bear it, and i have no idea how to alleviate that feeling of utter solitude. i can't force people to befriend me. there's still five and half weeks until i'm done with my freshman year. in the grand scheme of things, this is no time at all, but from my point of view, it seems incredibly daunting. it feels like summer will never come. i long to be home, where i feel loved and secure, to be in an encouraging environment surrounded by familiarity and comfort. i can say that i am almost excited to come back in the fall. i can't wait for new classes, hopefully some new friends, and just an all around new start. i want this year to be over, done, and forgotten.

i wrote that this afternoon. it's now 10:40 pm and today hasn't gotten any better like i had hoped it would. i'm just speechless. actions speak much, much louder than words, and i am finally beginning to understand that. i'm really quite homesick right now. when i get homesick, i like to torture myself by listening to my favorite seattle bands that i haven't been able to see here, looking at old pictures of family, friends and pets, and usually crying about it all. why i torture myself this way, i have no idea. sometimes i just need to cry, though it usually doesn't help. if anything, it makes me miss all those things even more. right now i'm listening to holyfield, easily one of my top 5 favorite bands. i've been a fan for at least two years now. i listen, close my eyes, and take myself to one of their shows. i envision the crowd jumping all around me and shouting the words at the top of our lungs. i can see ryry whipping his hair back and forth and tony with his 7up shirt and kicks. it's an unexplainable feeling of nostalgia, and i want to go back to that time. i want to be back at the showbox up against the stage, smashed in by hundreds of people with the same passion. i miss the anticipation of waiting outside for an hour, then waiting inside for an hour, and then having the band finally come on and have it all be worth it. it's always worth it.

i can't sit here and moan forever, as much as i would love to. unfortunately, i have homework to do, and i don't think "i was homesick last night" is going to work as an excuse.