spectacularly jam packed with concerts.

i feel like it's been an eternity since i've had a minute to just sit and think. the core 250 and microeconomics tests that i had today went pretty well. neither of them were as unbearable as i was expecting, though we'll have to wait and see when i get the grades. maybe they were really hard and i'm just so incompetent that i thought they were okay. hopefully i just studied so hard that they seemed to be pretty okay. i feel good about them.

this weekend was amazing, despite sunday. i spent pretty much all day studying for my tests. though, i did go to church in the morning, and then i went to lunch in saga (sunday chili - my favorite!) and then we randomly decided to go to value village. i had been wanting to go value village shopping for like two weeks. i ended up finding some fantastic sweaters. oh yes. they are amazing. then we went to this random plant and pet shop. there were some really cute puppies and rabbits and baby guinea pigs. it was really sad though because the puppies were behind these glass barriers and they looked so sad. they were clearly from puppy mills and were starving for human attention and affection. it just made me really sad. then we came back to school and i pretty much studied for my tests from 3 pm to about 1:30 am. of course, i had breaks in between. it's physically impossible for me to focus for that amount of time with some sort of breaks in there. then i had to get up at 7 am to get to my 8 am class. so basically, sunday sucked. a lot.

but let's not focus on the negatives here, because besides that, my weekend was spectacularly jam packed with concerts. friday night, barcelona played here at whitworth. it was so good to see them again. it was so weird because a lot of people at the show already knew their music because they came and played here last year. it's funny though, because it almost feels like some amazing secret that i had has been revealed, and now everybody gets to share in the good secret. it makes me feel selfish for not wanting other people to know about barcelona, when it is really a good thing for more people to hear their music - that's the reason bands tour in the first place. but anyway, we got to talk to brian for a couple minutes afterward, so that was fun. it was cool though because a lot of the audience knew the words, so we were all singing along. it was probably the liveliest crowd i've seen at a whitworth concert. after the concert, me and rebecca met brandon in mac, then went to taco bell because none of us had had dinner. we watched a few episodes of heroes, then went to arend to hang out in rebecca's room, where we watched youtube videos and saturday night live skits until 2:30 am. haha. it was really fun, but i didn't end up going to bed until about 3.

then on saturday, i slept in until 1pm. haha. it felt so nice to be able to sleep until my body decided to wake up. then i lazied around for a while and went to the coffee shop to get a latte and watch some heroes season 2 on my computer. i went to the bank and to petsmart. i bought a new tank for carlisle. it's much cooler...it has a light and bubbles. he's much happier now. then me and rebecca went to grab some dinner in saga (yum....not) before heading off to see hey monday, a rocket to the moon, and the cab. i was most excited to see rocket, but i also really like the cab. oh, and this band from seattle called shyforshy opened the show, but we missed a few of their songs. i apparently missed the memo that the 'doors' time and the 'show' time were in fact one in the same. oh well. it was at this place downtown called the big dipper. it was a pretty small venue, but i really liked it. it felt really cozy and kind of reminded me of the crocodile cafe that me and rebecca used to go to in seattle. so anyway, after they played, hey monday played. i actually liked them, even though the girl who sang lead looked like she was sixteen. they kind of reminded me of paramore - not just because there was a girl singer, but also the style of music and all that.

when they were done, a rocket to the moon played. i felt soooo bad for them. they had so many technical difficulties which were not their fault at all. first, nick's guitar stopped working, then his amp stopped working. then the other guitar stopped working. then one of the mic's stopped working. i could tell they were ready to just give up, but thankfully they kept playing. so basically, nick normally would have been playing guitar for all the songs, but he just stopped trying to make it work and just sang, which was actually cool, cause then he moved around the stage and we could actually see him better. i still felt really bad for them though. then the cab played, but unfortunately, something happened with their trailer, so only two guys were there and they played acoustic. it was pretty cool, but kind of awkward. they did a bunch of random covers like britney spears and nsync. it was a good time. we didn't end up staying for the whole time. we probably watched like 45 minutes of their set, and then i bought a rocket to the moon t-shirt and we peaced outta there. overall, it was a really fun show...kind of weird how things worked out though - it's the one show of the tour that this providence wasn't there for (which i was really, really sad about), then a rocket to the moon has these horrible technical difficulties, and then the cab plays acoustic. it was still really fun though. plus, i'm a bit obsessed with nick from a rocket to the moon. okay, so maybe more than a little, but that's okay.

the premiere of the new season of heroes is tonight and i am pumped. it's been soo long since they've had new episodes. i've spent the last week re-watching season 2. rebecca has it on dvd, so i've been spending my spare time doing that. i realized that i really, really like heroes. though, one thing i don't like is that there are so many stories to follow, that not much really happens in every episode, but in a way, i like that. there's so much going on, that you never get bored. and, if there's one story you don't like, then you don't have to watch that much of it every week.

i've been missing my boys lately. and by "my boys", i mean my dogs. it's weird though. it feels like i've been back at school for months now, and it's only been about three weeks. it's odd how that works. i get to visit home in about a month, and i'm excited. it's a different kind of excitement than last year though - last year it was because i missed home so much that i wanted to go back. now, i'm much happier here, for the most part, and i'm excited to go home to see my family and my pets for a couple days, but it's not because i'm homesick. though, we'll see how i'm feeling in another month.

guitar class is going well. it's moving pretty fast, but i can already play a bunch of chords, which is cool. i've been looking up worship songs online and stuff, and there's a few i can play, which has been really fun. i'm really excited to be able to just pick it up and play. i'm still not very good, and if i play for too long too often, my fingers start to hurt really bad, but it's not so bad. in fact, that's kind of the point, to build up strength and callouses. i'm excited to go home for thanksgiving (i'll have to find some way to bring it home with me...hmmm) and i can play and my sister can sing. it'll be a merry time.

i can't trust my feelings.

i'm going to make this quick for now because i'm supposed to be studying for the core 250 and econ tests that i have tomorrow morning [which i've barely begun studying for]. oops.

i get this feeling every once in a while, and i really hate it. i don't know what brings it on, or how to make it stop. i will just randomly start thinking about my life, and how i have no idea how i'm going to end up doing what i want with my life. i have these goals that i'm working toward, but they seem so far off and impossible. i just wonder - what am i doing here? and it's not even about whitworth any more, like it used to be. last year, i really questioned whether or not whitworth was the right place for me to be at this point in my life. i seriously considered transferring. i'm really glad that i chose to stay, because i do feel like this is where i'm supposed to be. but now, it's just about other things, everything. am i doing what god wants me to do? am i striving to follow his will instead of my own? am i being the light to the world that he's called me and all other believers to be? am i spending to much time thinking about worldly things - daydreaming of sorts? do i devote too much time to thinking about things i don't have, but desperately want? are my dreams and goals too big, too grandiose? and sometimes i feel like god is speaking to me [no, it's not like voices, more like really, really intense feelings from deep down that i can't explain], but then i question and doubt it over and over again. are these thoughts just my own desires manifesting themselves in such a way to make me think it's god? ugh. i can't trust my feelings. i don't know what to trust any more.

no luck for me. naturally. nothing can ever happen easily for me.

it's time for a much needed study break. okay, so i've actually only been doing homework for a couple hours, but i'm already so bored i can't focus...not to mention that i've finished everything that is actually due tomorrow...the rest is really just optional for right now. i can always do it tomorrow. i'm listening to a rocket to the moon, my guilty pleasure. nick santino's voice is just so...so...smooth? i don't know how to describe it, but i absolutely love it. i've been listening to it non-stop.

i went to a 'keggar' last night, haha. now, before you jump to all sorts of horrible conclusions, this was merely a rootbeer keggar [the only kind of 'keggar' we're allowed to have on a dry campus, haha], mostly to have fun, but also for alcohol awareness. it was super fun, and there were so many people there...to the point where you could barely move around, but it was really fun. there was even dancing, that i mildly [and i do mean mildly] participated in...but mostly i just stood there awkwardly and watched. the hatred i have for dancing [in public] held me back a bit. now, mind you, i don't mind dancing to a little all time low or mayday parade when i can pump it loud and dance around in my underwear all by my lonesome...but the thought of dancing with other people literally makes my breathing quicken. let's just say, it's not something i enjoy.

i finished re-reading new moon today. ridiculous, right? but i realized today, that since harry potter, this is the first series that has made me want to read...more than going on facebook or myspace, or watching tv, or wasting time on the internet. it makes me want to curl up in bed for hours upon hours and get wrapped up in the world of edward and bella. it's unreal how quickly it sucks me in, and refuses to let me stop. it's bad though, because if i read it for too long, i start to envision myself as bella...which is really not good. it's bad mostly because edward is not real - so clearly and obviously a fictional charater. he is too perfect and treats bella too well...nobody talks like him or says things like he does. normal guys don't 'dazzle,' though i suppose [and hope] that when i find the right person, he will dazzle me - in a sense at least...the way bella's heart skips a beat and she can't catch her breath when he gets real close or kisses her. i hope that falling in love is like that. i think this is one reason why i would never just date someone just to be dating someone. why waste my emotions, time, and energy on someone that i don't feel an intense connection with from the get-go.

which reminds me, the emo population at whitworth has definitely increased since last year, at least from what i can tell. this an encouraging observation. though, this also proposes a problem - i don't know any of them, and don't have classes with any of them. i was very sad to discover that none of the people i spotted in saga over the first few days were in any of my classes....i was hoping to be able to sit next to them [by chance, of course] and introduce myself, but no luck for me. naturally. nothing can ever happen easily for me.

i'm already missing my seattle bands, and i've only been gone a week :[ i fantasize about being at a moneta show...and i think of the super tall guy that's always in the front center and screams the lyrics in jerry's face, haha, and chrisb jumping around the stage with his giant fro, trying to pump the crowd up. i miss them terribly. not to mention the bands i haven't seen in ages like the real you, this providence, or danger radio [who i wouldn't really consider 'local' any more...they're getting so popular!]. it's weird coming and going from that scene. during the summer i go to so many shows and get to see most of my favies [though a couple of them were recording this summer, so no shows for me], and then i have to go from a few concerts a month to practically none. though, there's a show on thursday i want to go to, if i can find someone to accompany me. it's bank and abandon kansas. it should be a really good show...the difficulty is convincing someone to go with me. most people have never heard of those bands, so it's hard. and then barcelona is playing at whitworth on september 19t, which is convenient! and, they're playing with this band called Raining and Ok, and they're really good too. then, on the 20th, a rocket to the moon is playing in downtown spokane with the cab, hey monday and a band from seattle called shyforshy. this providence is on the tour with the cab/ARTM/hey monday, but they don't have the date listed on their page, and their name isn't on the show poster...i'm still holding out a shred of hope that they will be there. when i first found out that they were on that tour with ARTM and coming to spokane while i'm here, i literally started jumping around my room - no joke. i haven't seen them in almost a year and a half, which is so unacceptable. so, naturally, it would work out that that is the one date of the tour that they won't be playing, for whatever reason. but, like i said, i'm still holding out hope that they'll be there. either way, i still want to go because i am so obsessed with a rocket to the moon, and i want to see him soo bad. hopefully i can find someone to go to that with me as well. i don't want to miss that for anything. a rocket to the moon is from massachusetts, so the chances to see them are few and far between. i cannot miss my chance.

i've been really bad about going to bed a decent time since i started school. i don't think i've gone to bed before 1am since i've been back. which, for college, isn't really that late...but when you have an 8am class, that is late. i really should work on getting to bed earlier. unfortunately, about an hour ago i drank a latte, so i'll most likely be up for another couple hours. instead of devoting my energy to blogging, i should really go do some school work...that is what i pay all these thousands upon thousands of dollars to do, right? right.

i still feel like i'm really tired all the time.

i finished my second day of classes today. though, i have yet to attend my guitar class, which i have once a week on tuesdays. it's a very odd feeling, being back at school. it really feels like i never left, like i never stopped going to classes, like i never stopped this whole routine. i'm kind of bummed because i don't really have any classes this semester that i am taking for fun [besides guitar, which is only 1 credit, one hour a week]. the last couple semesters i have had at least one class that i wasn't required to take for either my major or for gen eds. most of my classes now are just things i want to get out of the way. i could have waited to take core 250, but what would have been the point of that. business management, financial accounting and microeconomics are all required for my major, and i really don't think i'm going to like any of those classes. business interests me, but i haven't heard good things about the professor, and i can already tell that he's just not going to teach in a style that i respond well to. then, i'm taking design I, which is required for my visual communications minor. it could be fun...it has the potential to be fun, but i am such a perfectionist, that i have a feeling i'm just going to get really annoyed with myself if everything i do, every line i draw, every circle i paint is not absolutely perfect in every way. we had one little exercise on the first day of class where we had to use construction paper and make a collage without using imagery conveying a word that he had printed on little pieces of paper. my word was 'strong' and i spent at least ten minutes just deciding what to do. it's weird...i'm creative, but i have problems when someone tells me "be creative right now and make something fantastic." it's not something you can turn on or off like a light bulb. i'm just afraid that i'll hate everything i make in the class because i'm so ocd about it.

i'm exhausted. i forgot how tiring it is to have a schedule like this. even though i don't have that many hours of class a day, i still feel like i'm really tired all the time. it doesn't help that i rarely got up this early during the summer, and i lounged around at home a lot when i didn't have to work. i have taken a twenty minute power nap for the past two days, but it doesn't seem to help much. i had a latte yesterday, which i think is why i wasn't tired, but i didn't have any coffee today and i'm utterly exhausted at 11pm...that's not a good sign. i don't want to be in a position where i rely on caffeine to keep me awake. i guess 11 is not too ridiculous of a time to go to bed. though, i don't have class until 10:25 tomorrow. friday is the only day of the week i really get to sleep in. mondays and wednesdays i've got class at 8am, and tuesdays and thursdays i've got class at 9:30, but it takes like 15 minutes to walk there. i'm really excited to be able to sleep in tomorrow. mmm. yes.

i think the main reason i'm so tired right now is not because of a lack of sleep [though, it has taken me a really long time to fall asleep, and i wake up sometimes in the middle of the night for no reason, so my sleep isn't very restful]. i am getting a relatively normal amount of sleep. i got almost eight hours last night, which should be more than enough to be wide awake at 11pm. but, really, i think i'm just exhausted from starting everything again...meeting people, putting myself out there in class to sit by random people and introduce myself, moving into a completely new and different room in a different dorm, and getting back into the schedule of going to classes and such....oh, and the get-to-know-you activities. those really take it out of me like you wouldn't believe.

i have no idea what i'm going to do this weekend. maybe i'll go to the discount movie theatre here in spokane. i think there are some good movies playing. we'll see. i really don't want to just sit here and do nothing like i did all of last year. i'm not gonna lie, that really sucked.

i haven't been this tired in a really long time, and my bed is calling my name, screaming my name actually. i think i will succumb to the calling. i really hope i'm not going to be this tired all year long, because i don't think i can handle this much longer.

his name is carlisle, and he is a betta fish.

i started classes today. i had design 1, core 250, and principles of microeconomics. i think they're all going to be pretty good. design should be relatively relaxing, and there isn't too much homework. there's a little reading every night and some questions, but it's not horrible. core 250 is going to be soo good. i'm really looking forward to it, and i've heard that it's exponentially better than 150, which i hated. i really like all the lecturing profs for 250, so it should be a really good class. plus, i know a ton of people in it. econ should be alright. :] economics are not something i'm dying get lectured on, but it looks like we're going to be talking about politics and the election and stuff, which should be really interesting and give me more insight to the policies of the candidates, though i'm pretty decidedly voting for Obama. it will take a lot to convince me to vote otherwise. i just really don't like who McCain chose for a running mate...enough to convince me to not vote for him. if she ever had to take over for him for any reason, she would be horrible. plus, i was all for obama from the beginning.

it feels weird being back at school. it's almost like i never left. my room is pretty sweet. i think i'm going to really like living in ballard. my room is probably about the same size as last year, but the ceilings are taller, and i can move all the furniture, so there are a lot more configurations we can use. though, for some reason, i am pretty much always cold in my room...we are in the basement, but emilie is not cold. hopefully i'm not sick or anything. i am pretty sure i'm not, i just like being warm in my room...and i shouldn't have to put a blanket over me in order for that to happen, especially when it's warm outside like it is right now. i shudder to think what it will be like in the winter. brr.

i got a new friend yesterday. his name is carlisle, and he is a betta fish. he's very cute and he swims around his bowl a lot more than most bettas. he also likes to swim in and out of the fake grass in the bowl. he's very cute. we're going to be best friends.

i already have homework to do. ugh. i miss the days of high school where the only assignment for the first entire week is to sign the stupid syllabus. but no, i have to jump right in! i already have to read a chapter for econ, a chapter for design [plus answer two pages of questions about the reading], and reading for core 250 and a reading response. ughhhh. the year is starting off with a bang.