i smiled a little at the sound.

it's finally starting to feel like spring. i was worried for a while there that it may never come. the sun was shining today, the grass is actually looking somewhat green, and i heard birds chirping on my way to class this morning. i smiled a little at the sound. it's such a wonderful sound when you haven't heard it for so long - something you take for granted without realizing it.

as much as i never, ever thought i'd say this, it's actually good to be back at school. despite the blizzard of snow and crazy winds blowing my car all over the road on the way back over, the drive was good. i've done it so many times, but it never gets easier or less boring. at least it wasn't snowing when we arrived back on campus. i think i may have thrown up upon exiting my vehicle.

i hadn't brought any homework home with me over break because i knew i wouldn't do any. it would have just been a waste of energy to lug the textbooks home. i knew managerial accounting could take many hours if i was unlucky, but surprisingly, it only look about two. of course, i realized in class today that i had done more than was required. and of course the part that wasn't required was what took me an hour and a half to figure out. naturally. but, amazingly, i was in bed going to sleep at midnight last night. that's pretty much a record.

8 am class seemed to come much quicker than i would have hoped. i woke up pretty tired. i guess it's because i had woken up at nine on sunday morning, rushed to pack up, drove for five hours, came back, unpacked, ate dinner, accounting for two hours, and then only got 7 hours of sleep. but really, going to class was kind of nice. the week at home just relaxing was good for a few days, but then i just got bored. none of my friends were home so i sat around my house and pretty much did nothing (besides get the most bomb haircut!).

i like having things to do, routines to follow, day-to-day activities to keep my mind entertained. otherwise i just feel like i'm wasting my life away doing nothing. i did get to go to the bauhaus while i was home with belinda. that was fun. and i got to see heather twice and went to visit my old high school teachers...which was really weird. it wasn't weird seeing the teachers, just weird being back there. i don't feel very old, but looking at how young everyone was made me feel so old. i don't like feeling old.

it's good to be back. it's good to have something to do and things to occupy my mind.

it wasn't even that good to begin with.

life comes at you fast. isn't that the catch phrase for some commercial? it's true, though. i came home on friday night for spring break. the drive was tolerable. i was having trouble staying awake for some parts, but that's the nature of driving long distances, i suppose. i came home to an email from my macroeconomics TA about the test we had taken friday morning. apparently the highest grade was a 97%, there were only four A's in the class of 40, and the class average was 74%. i emailed her to see what my grade was. i woke up on saturday to an email informing me that i had received the highest grade in the class. it was such a great feeling. i worked so freaking hard for that test and studied for hours. my hard work paid off, for once. unfortunately, that was the end to the goodness of that day. my mom had taken tully to the vet that morning because she thought he was breathing kind of funny while he slept. it turns out he has lung cancer, and already has a quite a sizable tumor. the vet estimates that he has 8 months left. it's pretty hard to think about it like that. before, i just assumed that he was getting old, but to have a timeline to be constantly thinking about really makes it hard. so anyway, i've been spending lots of time with him, like i always do while i'm home.

on another, less depressing note, i'm finally getting my hair cut tomorrow. i haven't had it cut since thanksgiving, so it's been about 5 months, and it's getting looooong. i'm going to this salon in ballard called Vain. its supposed to be more edgy or something, so we'll see. i'm really just ready for something new. i've had the same style for a couple years now and i'm sick of it. it wasn't even that good to begin with.

it's weird being home. i've missed the area...not 'home' so much, just the area. i went to victor's today and got the best latte i've had in a good month. the bucks just doesn't compare. and to be honest, i've missed the rain...a little. i've missed watching tv. god, that seems so superficial. but it's nice to have that distraction every once in a while - turn on the tv and just relax for a half hour and not think about anything. even if there's nothing good on, it's just nice to have something mindless to do for a little while. and i can actually watch my shows when they're on, and not online a couple days later! heroes is on tonight. mmm.

jones has been spending lots of time in my room. in fact, he just won't leave. he's been in my room for the last two days straight. he'll leave for short breaks, to eat and use the bathroom, i assume. it's so weird, but nice to have a cuddly kitty. i know he's only pretending to love me because his mother is out of town for a couple days. he's using me.

i hide in the background of most scenes.

sometimes i feel like i'm invisible to the world. two nights ago there was a show in the hub at whitworth. the lonely forest, the globes, and keep pennsylvania beautiful. i decided to go, despite the fact that i had no one to go with. going alone is better than doing nothing on a saturday night, i figured. i stood near the back because the place was pretty packed. on multiple occasions - and i'm talking more than ten, not just a couple - people walked past me into the concert and bumped into my shoulder without a second glance. do you really not see me standing here? am i not even worth a quick "sorry" mumbled unapologetically over your shoulder? apparently not.


maybe in reality, the problem is that i try to be invisible. i don't try to fit in. that's not what i mean at all. in fact, it's quite the opposite. but, i hate being the center of attention in any capacity. i hide in the background of most scenes. does being in the background mean i am not seen at all? i worry that maybe i don't try hard enough to be seen by those around me - that, to them, i'm someone to be looked over and not looked at.

an empty coffee cup on the table to my left

some days i just need to be alone - not hang out with any one. not answer my phone. it gives me time to think, to work through my thoughts. today has been one of those days. i woke up and took my time getting ready, which ended up being a horrible downfall to my day. i didn't get to the hub before the post office closed. there's a package slip in my mailbox for my package with the new this providence album in it. now i won't get it until monday. i digress. i brought my textbooks and my computer with me to the hub, ate some lunch, and sat my butt down in the coffee shop to get my homework done. i finished it all in a matter of a couple hours. luckily i brought my computer with me, so i moved to a much more comfortable location in the coffee shop and have watched two episodes of friday night lights. and here i still sit, writing this out with a blazing fire in the corner of my eye, an empty coffee cup on the table to my left, and the newest annuals album in my ears. perfection. these days are like a recharge for me. it's like i'm a battery that's been running low for the last week and i finally have time to plug myself in and recharge to 100% capacity.

today is also one of those days that i don't want to be social. i'd rather have blood drawn than think about being with a bunch of people and putting on my bubbly personality. there's a hall date scheduled for tonight with 2nd mac. we're supposed to make desserts and then go over to meet the guys in their lounge for "games." for starters, i really don't like games, especially mixer-type games. and then this brings up the whole "putting on my smiley face" issue. i can't just mask myself to become something i'm not, to feel a way i don't. i'm not all sad, i just can't be social right now. i can't.

i've also decided in the last few days that i really need to stop trying to make things happen that clearly aren't meant to happen - or at least not yet. maybe one day, but obviously not now. i keep trying and trying and it's not working. the only thing that comes of my efforts is disappointment. so why do i keep trying? i'm done trying. if you read this, don't ask me about it, because i don't want to talk about it any more.

there's a classic crime and vision & valor show in exactly one week from today. i'm going home for spring break in a week from yesterday. potentially, i can go to this spectacular show - at the showbox market, nonetheless - my favorite place. unfortunately, i don't really have anyone to go with, so i'm kind of torn as to what to do. in order to get vision & valor's album, i need to go to the show because they aren't selling it online any where. is it worth it to me to go alone? i just don't know. i always feel so ridiculous going to shows alone. god, just one more reason why i need to make some emo friends.

i've been listening to the newest annuals album, "such fun," and it is seriously so much fun. i can't stop listening to it. it's really addicting, and i can't even explain why, but i just can't seem to turn it off.

i miss my tullamook. i really miss the snuggly little guy. he's getting so old now, and i get worried about him. he always gets sad whenever i leave. luckily i'll be home in less than a week for spring break. and seriously, this break could not come at a better time. for one, i am absolutely dying to get my hair cut. it's getting so long and i can't stand it. the problem with getting my hair cut at this point is that i'm so sick of it right now, that i'm afraid i'll just get it all chopped off and end up regretting it. though, the last time i got my hair cut short i ended up really liking it and i had never cut my hair shorter before. i don't really know why i worry so much about it. i'm going to try a new place though, a salon in seattle called vain. supposedly they do more edgy cuts, so we'll see i guess. then, of course, ideally i'll get to see the classic crime and vision & valor over break. other than that, i don't have many plans. i may try to go visit kaylyn in tacoma. it'll be nice just to be home. i'll be able to get some good coffee....bauhaus. mmm. i can sleep in, hopefully go for a run or two if it's nice enough outside. i just really need to get out of spokane for a little while. i'll have been here for seven weeks by the time i go home. ugh. i can't wait to go home.

a tragedy of epic proportions.

wednesday morning, march 4th, a tragedy of epic proportions occurred. my hair straightener of nearly two and a half years gave out on me. no, i did not drop it on the floor or in water. it just died. i wore my hair curly for two days before i decided to just go out and buy a new one until i can get my old one fixed...it has a life time warranty. oh yes. so i went out and spend $27 at target on a new, remington 'protect&shine' straightener. it actually works quite fabulously. i think maybe the technology has gotten better in the two and a half faithful years with my old straightener.

this weekend was quite intense. it was a roller coaster to say the least, but at least i'm at the end of it. i should be exhausted right now, but i'm not. i really should go to bed though. i have my very first managerial accounting test tomorrow. it's my last class of the day, which is actually bad because then i'll just be stressing out about it during all my other classes.

i burned "tonight, not again" by jason mraz from the radio room this evening. i think it's the only album of his i didn't have. i'm listening to 'sleeping to dream' and for some reason i'm crying. it's just so effing cute.

god, i'm tired. mrazy is making me cry. i think it's time to get some sleeeeeep.

train-wreck of a day.

i don't want to do anything but wallow in my self pity over this horrible day i've had. the weekend was so fantastical and here's why:

belin came to visit on thursday night. naturally we stayed up til 3 am chatting. we woke up at noon and went to lunch at the milk bottle - such a cute place. i love it. then we went downtown and drove around trying to find the house from benny & joon. we weren't successful, but it was a fun adventure. then we went to the BLVD to see the helio sequence. it didn't start til nine, so it was a really late show and there were three openers. aside from the drunken mess that tried to tell us it was still mardi gras, the show was great. the helio sequence really put on an amazing live show. it didn't end until about 1:30 and we got back to the dorm at around 2. again, we stayed up til 3 chatting. saturday, we woke up at noon again, ate lunch in the cafeteria at school, and went to northtown to do some more shopping. then we headed down town, ate dinner at azteca, and went to the empyrean to see the real you. we got coffee while waiting for the show to start, which was fantastic. i was sad to see that there were literally only ten people at the show, but it was great anyway. then we stuck around for the other band, alaska and me, which was a good decision because we really liked them. sunday was nice as well. we woke up and ate lunch at school and then spent some time at river front park before she had to take off.

so now that you know how wonderful my weekend was, you will be able to fully understand the train-wreck of a day i have had.

i didn't even look at my homework until 10 pm last night, assuming i had some short econ assignment. wrong. i had a test today at 8 am that i had completely forgotten about. so i studied until 2 am, at which point my eyes were starting to close involuntarily. i woke up at 6 to straighten my hair and mentally prepare myself. the four hours of "sleep" were completely restless for reasons unknown to me. then i trudged through the pouring rain to take my test, which was an epic failure. 60 points of true/false? you've gotta be kidding me. so after that disaster, i had writing class, which was the one ray of sunshine of my day. i got a 19/20 on my first article, which is the highest grade my professor gives. apparently "20 out of 20 is perfect, and no one is perfect." then i trudged through even more rain to the hub to get some coffee and a bagel to help get me through managerial accounting. the walk to accounting was deathly in the pouring rain. i was barely able to stay awake in class and walked absentmindedly back to my dorm. i was so frustrated with my hair (which is over grown and unruly) that i started to look up hair salons in spokane because i was set on getting my hair cut today. i decided to wait, considering i'd probably end up hating whatever cut i got by some person i don't know. i laid down for a three hour nap today, which made things slightly better.

naturally, all of this would happen on a monday. tomorrow is tuesday, which doesn't make things much better because i have ice skating class. my butt still hurts from an epic fall i had last thursday in front of the entire class. if i fall on it again tomorrow, i will probably cry from the pain. i'm praying that won't happen. that would be embarrassing.

it's just been one of those days where i really want to punch someone. not anyone in particular. i just want the satisfaction of knowing that someone is sharing my pain.