an empty coffee cup on the table to my left

some days i just need to be alone - not hang out with any one. not answer my phone. it gives me time to think, to work through my thoughts. today has been one of those days. i woke up and took my time getting ready, which ended up being a horrible downfall to my day. i didn't get to the hub before the post office closed. there's a package slip in my mailbox for my package with the new this providence album in it. now i won't get it until monday. i digress. i brought my textbooks and my computer with me to the hub, ate some lunch, and sat my butt down in the coffee shop to get my homework done. i finished it all in a matter of a couple hours. luckily i brought my computer with me, so i moved to a much more comfortable location in the coffee shop and have watched two episodes of friday night lights. and here i still sit, writing this out with a blazing fire in the corner of my eye, an empty coffee cup on the table to my left, and the newest annuals album in my ears. perfection. these days are like a recharge for me. it's like i'm a battery that's been running low for the last week and i finally have time to plug myself in and recharge to 100% capacity.

today is also one of those days that i don't want to be social. i'd rather have blood drawn than think about being with a bunch of people and putting on my bubbly personality. there's a hall date scheduled for tonight with 2nd mac. we're supposed to make desserts and then go over to meet the guys in their lounge for "games." for starters, i really don't like games, especially mixer-type games. and then this brings up the whole "putting on my smiley face" issue. i can't just mask myself to become something i'm not, to feel a way i don't. i'm not all sad, i just can't be social right now. i can't.

i've also decided in the last few days that i really need to stop trying to make things happen that clearly aren't meant to happen - or at least not yet. maybe one day, but obviously not now. i keep trying and trying and it's not working. the only thing that comes of my efforts is disappointment. so why do i keep trying? i'm done trying. if you read this, don't ask me about it, because i don't want to talk about it any more.

there's a classic crime and vision & valor show in exactly one week from today. i'm going home for spring break in a week from yesterday. potentially, i can go to this spectacular show - at the showbox market, nonetheless - my favorite place. unfortunately, i don't really have anyone to go with, so i'm kind of torn as to what to do. in order to get vision & valor's album, i need to go to the show because they aren't selling it online any where. is it worth it to me to go alone? i just don't know. i always feel so ridiculous going to shows alone. god, just one more reason why i need to make some emo friends.

i've been listening to the newest annuals album, "such fun," and it is seriously so much fun. i can't stop listening to it. it's really addicting, and i can't even explain why, but i just can't seem to turn it off.

i miss my tullamook. i really miss the snuggly little guy. he's getting so old now, and i get worried about him. he always gets sad whenever i leave. luckily i'll be home in less than a week for spring break. and seriously, this break could not come at a better time. for one, i am absolutely dying to get my hair cut. it's getting so long and i can't stand it. the problem with getting my hair cut at this point is that i'm so sick of it right now, that i'm afraid i'll just get it all chopped off and end up regretting it. though, the last time i got my hair cut short i ended up really liking it and i had never cut my hair shorter before. i don't really know why i worry so much about it. i'm going to try a new place though, a salon in seattle called vain. supposedly they do more edgy cuts, so we'll see i guess. then, of course, ideally i'll get to see the classic crime and vision & valor over break. other than that, i don't have many plans. i may try to go visit kaylyn in tacoma. it'll be nice just to be home. i'll be able to get some good coffee....bauhaus. mmm. i can sleep in, hopefully go for a run or two if it's nice enough outside. i just really need to get out of spokane for a little while. i'll have been here for seven weeks by the time i go home. ugh. i can't wait to go home.