if nothing else, this summer will be fun.

i've been in my own little world for the past couple weeks. i don't like facing the facts of my life - the fact that in a matter of a couple weeks i will have to miraculously find a summer job. so instead of facing these issues, i just live like a hermit in my own head (DCFC reference, anyone?).

in one week from today (or tomorrow, depending on how my plans end up) i will be back home in sammamish for the summer. i'm definitely torn. there's a major part of me that just wants to skip over the summer completely and move into my new dorm room in the brand new East Hall (which I still can't see the inside of). the stress of finding a job and the fear of not finding one and end up dying of boredom over the summer is a scary enough thought to make me not want to leave. on the other hand, i am so ready for a change, even if that means going home for the summer. i'm sick of the classes and the schedule and feeling like i never do anything fun.

i know that if nothing else, this summer will be fun. i already have a list of about eight shows that i want to go to, and they barely touch july. i'm going to be going to california for a few days to pick up rabid, visit alissa at westmont, and hopefully go to disneyland for a day. then me and rabid will road trip it back up to sammamish. harry potter comes out soon too, and the midnight showing is a tradition of me and rabid's. not to mention, the fourth of july and my birthday. and i might go to warped tour again in august. i really do have a lot to look forward to. i'm sure the summer will go by insanely fast like it always does, and before i know it, i'll be moving into my new room.

i know i'll be getting to see some of my favorite bands this summer, which definitely makes me feel better. i know for sure i'll be seeing two of them - owl city and the classic crime towards the end of may. the secret handshake is coming though seattle in june, artist vs poet is coming in july, this providence/hey monday in june, and i know there are others that i'm forgetting. it's going to be really awesome.

i'm going to start packing either tonight or tomorrow and it actually brings joy to my heart to think about packing up my room. i don't really have a feeling of 'home' there. i'm rarely in my room as it is and it's always cold and dark because it's in the basement. i'm excited and ready to be above group next semester. i need to figure out if i should get boxes to pack stuff, or if i should just try to throw all my clothes in garbage bags to take them home. boxes would be much more organized, but i'm tempted by the ease of the garbage bags.

it still hasn't really hit me that it's may and i'm going home in a week. maybe it'll hit me when i take all my posters and pictures off the wall, when i have my last day of class on monday, when i walk to hawthorne to take my accounting final, when my parents arrive to start packing up the car, or maybe when i get on I-90 to start driving home. because it definitely has not hit me yet. it will be weird not to see everyone for a while. i'm much closer to the girls on my hall than i was last year, and it will be sad to not see them every morning and evening.

what are the odds, right?

for once in my life, luck was on my side. my housing lottery number was 86...out of 10,000. the lottery went down last night in the HUB. i was utterly afraid that i'd end up in some horrible dungeon room in warren or the dreaded village. in my worrisome state, i even went so far to figure out that there were only a maximum of 4 girls with lottery numbers before mine...of course, there was always the possibility that someone with senior standing would want the same room as me and snatch it from my grasp. but what are the odds, right?

last night was the in-house sign up. my ideal dorm for next year is East Hall, which is brand new, so there was no in-house sign ups. but of course, i had to wait for that to end. after that, they proceeded to do quad sign ups...then triples sign ups...then finally singles sign ups. it was horrible waiting game. sitting there watching as more and more rooms got crossed off. finally, we lined up for single rooms. i was at the front of the line for the girls and Chessa was right behind me. our plan had worked - we would both get a single in East, since there were only two. jokingly, while waiting to be sent into the sign up room, i said "wouldn't it suck if some girl came jaunting in here with more housing points than us and just happened to want one of the singles in east?...but that would never happen!" i spoke too soon, because about a minute later, a girl came running in, with four housing points which pushed her to the front of the line. me and Chessa frantically asked "what dorm are you going to?"..."East," she replied. of course. at least she took the second floor single because i wanted the first floor, which was nice. unfortunately, Chessa didn't get into East, and ended up getting a single in Ballard. i'm sad we won't be in the same dorm next year, but i'm really happy that i got my first choice of rooms. i honestly couldn't believe it worked out for me. nothing works out in my favor with my horrible luck.

i'm excited for the new start this new dorm will bring for me. as much as i have loved living in ballard, and i've met a ton of new people, i'm excited to be living above ground where the sun can shine in and squirrels don't die in my window well. i'll no longer be living in an all-girls dorm (though, it's not like there is ever a time when there aren't guys in ballard). i'll be a junior, i won't have a roommate, i'll have new classes and will hopefully make more new friends. is it weird that i almost want to just skip over summer and head straight to the fall? maybe it's because the thought of summer just holds stress right now. i don't know where i will work, or if i'll be able to find work at all. if i can't, i will seriously lose my mind sitting at home all day every day. i won't have a ton of friends at home during the summer, though i'm happy to be returning a place where i can see good shows on a regular basis. it's a good-bad situation.

who knows? maybe i'll meet some new people at shows this summer. i really need to make some friends that are into the same kind of music as me so i don't have to drag people along with me. it'd be a much better situation for everyone involved.

i just realized that my fingers are hurting. i thought for a quick second that it might be due to typing so much, but then i remembered how i played guitar for about two hours yesterday. that'll do it. i'm so glad that i started playing guitar this year. i took the beginning class in the fall and i'm taking the intermediate class right now. i'm so sad that there isn't an advanced class that i can take next semester! i think i might try and take lessons through the school, even though it's more expensive. paul, who taught the beginning class and my intermediate class, teaches the lessons as well, so i know it would be a teacher i know and am comfortable with. i just don't want to stop taking lessons or a class because i know that if i do, i will never push myself to get any better or learn anything harder. i will still play, for sure, i just won't try to do more advanced stuff. that's exactly what happened with piano, and it makes me sad. i know that guitar is something i will continue for a long time, and i don't want to stop learning. of all the instruments i've learned (guitar makes five...), guitar is my favorite. i can easily just pick it up and play for a few minutes or an hour without a problem.

now, you're probably wondering why i'm writing such a lengthy blog at a moment like this. the answer is thus: i am bored as hell. right now, i only have four academic classes (plus guitar, radio, and ice skating as 1-credits). one of those is a night class, so i do that homework once a week. the other three classes that i have on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, each have homework due roughly once a week. i have nothing due tomorrow and nothing due thursday. therefore, i have been sitting in the coffee shop for about three hours now. i caught up on heroes, and i'll probably watch parks & recreation later today. maybe a little fantasy factory, you know. i have too much free time, but i don't have enough time left here to get a job, since i'll be going back home in less than a month. so, for now, i don't do much of anything...hence, why i was able to play guitar for two hours yesterday.

i need to be entertained.

done with this in-between stage

the thought of growing up scares the hell out of me. when i was a kid, college seemed like an eternity away. i am now almost half way done with college. in july, i will turn 20. i will have been alive for two decades. i don't want to feel old, but i do.

on the other hand, i'm ready to be done with this in-between stage. i don't want to live with my parents any more. i want to be out in the world, living in an apartment with friends. it's a weird situation to be living in the dorms throughout the year and then move back in with the parentals for the summer. there's a different dynamic. though, i never had many rules to begin with, so it's not like they go back to trying to control my life, because they never really did. though, it will be nice to have my own room again for the summer. and i miss my bed, my big, comfy bed.

i'm in the process of planning my schedule for the fall, and i register on monday. as of right now, my schedule is not looking like it's going to be a lot of fun. i'll be taking probability and statistics, business law, physics I, consumer behavior, and digital imaging. plus, i'll probably try and take guitar lessons. this will put me at 17 credits, which is the max. i'm still not sure about physics. it's going to be super hard, but i'll be taking it with rebecca, which would be fun. i am still undecided.

always thinking about something, contemplating, brewing.

sometimes i wish my brain had an on/off switch. it's constantly working, like a diligent machine. unfortunately, it's a machine that never turns off, never takes a break. and because of that, it's starting to wear down a bit. even while i'm supposed to be sleeping, i'm still thinking. last night night i wasn't tired, for some reason unbeknown to me. i finally decided around 1:30 am that i should at least get into bed and try to fall asleep. i did have to wake at 6:30, afterall. last time i looked at the clock, it was 2:30 in the morning. i fell asleep some point after that, but proceeded to wake up every hour until it was finally time to get up. the weirdest part? i wasn't tired when i woke up. however, around 2 pm, it hit me like a ton of bricks. i then took a two hour nap. and now, here i am at 12:45 in the morning. not tired.

all this to say, i wish i could just stop for a while and sleep. i mean really sleep. my mind is always thinking about something, contemplating, brewing.

my eyes are straining to focus at the moment, and i should've known this would happen. i read 92 pages straight without getting up or looking around. i sat in the corner of the coffee shop, curled up by the fireplace and read for a couple hours - with a vanilla latte in tow, naturally. it was simply blissful, but now my eyes aren't working quite properly. the book's called "the will of god as a way of life" by jerry sittser. he's a prof here at whitworth and i had heard good things about the book. i ordered it on amazon a while ago, and it finally arrived today. i had no homework, so i decided to spend some time reading today, and it was wonderful. it's already helping put things in perspective for me. i've heard so many people say "do the will of God..." or "follow God's will..." but no one really explains what that means. this book is doing that for me.

the book emphasizes the fact that we should not focus on the future, but rather on the daily tasks that may seem mundane. if we can seek God first in those tasks, the future will take care of itself. it's nearly impossible for me to not think about and dwell on the future. it's all most of us think about. why do i work so hard for good grades? so i can get a good job later. why do we cultivate relationships now? to eventually get married and have kids. in fact, i find that thoughts of what my future might entail comandeer my mind on a regular basis. why is that? why can't we ever just be content to enjoy now?

my eyes are finally starting to get tired but my mind is still fully awake. it's a never ending battle between body and mind.

i smiled a little at the sound.

it's finally starting to feel like spring. i was worried for a while there that it may never come. the sun was shining today, the grass is actually looking somewhat green, and i heard birds chirping on my way to class this morning. i smiled a little at the sound. it's such a wonderful sound when you haven't heard it for so long - something you take for granted without realizing it.

as much as i never, ever thought i'd say this, it's actually good to be back at school. despite the blizzard of snow and crazy winds blowing my car all over the road on the way back over, the drive was good. i've done it so many times, but it never gets easier or less boring. at least it wasn't snowing when we arrived back on campus. i think i may have thrown up upon exiting my vehicle.

i hadn't brought any homework home with me over break because i knew i wouldn't do any. it would have just been a waste of energy to lug the textbooks home. i knew managerial accounting could take many hours if i was unlucky, but surprisingly, it only look about two. of course, i realized in class today that i had done more than was required. and of course the part that wasn't required was what took me an hour and a half to figure out. naturally. but, amazingly, i was in bed going to sleep at midnight last night. that's pretty much a record.

8 am class seemed to come much quicker than i would have hoped. i woke up pretty tired. i guess it's because i had woken up at nine on sunday morning, rushed to pack up, drove for five hours, came back, unpacked, ate dinner, accounting for two hours, and then only got 7 hours of sleep. but really, going to class was kind of nice. the week at home just relaxing was good for a few days, but then i just got bored. none of my friends were home so i sat around my house and pretty much did nothing (besides get the most bomb haircut!).

i like having things to do, routines to follow, day-to-day activities to keep my mind entertained. otherwise i just feel like i'm wasting my life away doing nothing. i did get to go to the bauhaus while i was home with belinda. that was fun. and i got to see heather twice and went to visit my old high school teachers...which was really weird. it wasn't weird seeing the teachers, just weird being back there. i don't feel very old, but looking at how young everyone was made me feel so old. i don't like feeling old.

it's good to be back. it's good to have something to do and things to occupy my mind.

it wasn't even that good to begin with.

life comes at you fast. isn't that the catch phrase for some commercial? it's true, though. i came home on friday night for spring break. the drive was tolerable. i was having trouble staying awake for some parts, but that's the nature of driving long distances, i suppose. i came home to an email from my macroeconomics TA about the test we had taken friday morning. apparently the highest grade was a 97%, there were only four A's in the class of 40, and the class average was 74%. i emailed her to see what my grade was. i woke up on saturday to an email informing me that i had received the highest grade in the class. it was such a great feeling. i worked so freaking hard for that test and studied for hours. my hard work paid off, for once. unfortunately, that was the end to the goodness of that day. my mom had taken tully to the vet that morning because she thought he was breathing kind of funny while he slept. it turns out he has lung cancer, and already has a quite a sizable tumor. the vet estimates that he has 8 months left. it's pretty hard to think about it like that. before, i just assumed that he was getting old, but to have a timeline to be constantly thinking about really makes it hard. so anyway, i've been spending lots of time with him, like i always do while i'm home.

on another, less depressing note, i'm finally getting my hair cut tomorrow. i haven't had it cut since thanksgiving, so it's been about 5 months, and it's getting looooong. i'm going to this salon in ballard called Vain. its supposed to be more edgy or something, so we'll see. i'm really just ready for something new. i've had the same style for a couple years now and i'm sick of it. it wasn't even that good to begin with.

it's weird being home. i've missed the area...not 'home' so much, just the area. i went to victor's today and got the best latte i've had in a good month. the bucks just doesn't compare. and to be honest, i've missed the rain...a little. i've missed watching tv. god, that seems so superficial. but it's nice to have that distraction every once in a while - turn on the tv and just relax for a half hour and not think about anything. even if there's nothing good on, it's just nice to have something mindless to do for a little while. and i can actually watch my shows when they're on, and not online a couple days later! heroes is on tonight. mmm.

jones has been spending lots of time in my room. in fact, he just won't leave. he's been in my room for the last two days straight. he'll leave for short breaks, to eat and use the bathroom, i assume. it's so weird, but nice to have a cuddly kitty. i know he's only pretending to love me because his mother is out of town for a couple days. he's using me.

i hide in the background of most scenes.

sometimes i feel like i'm invisible to the world. two nights ago there was a show in the hub at whitworth. the lonely forest, the globes, and keep pennsylvania beautiful. i decided to go, despite the fact that i had no one to go with. going alone is better than doing nothing on a saturday night, i figured. i stood near the back because the place was pretty packed. on multiple occasions - and i'm talking more than ten, not just a couple - people walked past me into the concert and bumped into my shoulder without a second glance. do you really not see me standing here? am i not even worth a quick "sorry" mumbled unapologetically over your shoulder? apparently not.


maybe in reality, the problem is that i try to be invisible. i don't try to fit in. that's not what i mean at all. in fact, it's quite the opposite. but, i hate being the center of attention in any capacity. i hide in the background of most scenes. does being in the background mean i am not seen at all? i worry that maybe i don't try hard enough to be seen by those around me - that, to them, i'm someone to be looked over and not looked at.