some things have hurt me. some have healed me.

so often i find myself thinking about the world around me. i feel so small and insignificant. and i wonder, has God really orchestrated my life to be this way? did he set things in motion in just this way on purpose? every encounter i've had with a stranger on the street, every decision i've made, is it all part of a plan? is it all leading up to something? i couldn't help think about this when i was wondering why things happen exactly the way they do. all the various interactions i've had with certain people - what was their purpose? was that one fleeting moment of eye contact the last i'll see of that person? was that one random meeting for nothing?

i've always been the quiet thinker type. i process everything until i can't process it any more. lately, i just can't let go of the fact that i have no idea why things happen the way they do. especially the bad things. i often think about my car accident. i'll have a reminder of that day for the rest of my life. i just went to my hand surgeon again after i was having pains in my arm that went down into my thumb and fingers, and my thumb has been causing me pain. he said that as far as seriousness of fractures, mine was 9 out of 10. i don't know if he tried to sugar coat it before to try not to scare me, but i didn't realize it was that bad. he said that some people with fractures that bad will have pain for the rest of their lives just due to the nature of the fracture. great. i will literally take the consequence of the accident with me for the rest of my life. what purpose did that serve? i'm still waiting to find out. it's weird that it's been almost two years since my accident. it feels like it was just yesterday.

i realize that some things i've experienced have made me a stronger person. some things have hurt me. some have healed me. it's all a part of life, i suppose.

i honestly never thought i would miss spokane, but...

i've been neglecting this since i got home from school. why? because i have nothing of interest to report. well, except for the fact that i went down to california for a few days to visit alissa and then drive up to seattle with rachel. i mean, i suppose i did go to disneyland and california adventure with alissa, which was so much fun. we only got to go for a day, but it was awesome. we missed some of the good rides, but still got to do most of my favorites. the matterhorn at night time? heck yes! so anyway, after spending almost a week with alissa, rachel met up with us and we began the drive home at around 5 pm in santa barbara, with the plan to drive through the night or stop for a quick nap somewhere if necessary. unfortunately, we broke down in roseburg, OR around 6 AM after hitting something in the road. a tow truck, a really interesting afternoon, one night in roseburg, and $500 later, we were finally on our way back home. i was glad to finally be home...at first.

i have now applied to 11 different stores. none of them have called me back. so, basically i've just been sitting at home doing a whole lot of nothing. i still haven't fully unpacked all my stuff from school. maybe it's because i just don't want to accept that i'm home for the summer.

i honestly never thought i would miss spokane, but this summer has proved me wrong. i don't necessarily miss the city, just certain things about it. for one, i really miss whitworth - the people, the campus, the coffee shop, people playing frisbee in the loop. also, i find myself missing certain places like dutch bros, the empyrean, didiers, the service station, the onion, old european breakfast house, riverfront park, and manito park. it's a really odd feeling for me, considering my normal distaste for all things about spokane. i think it also has to do with the fact that me being in spokane means school, which means having a schedule and being productive, and also seeing friends. having nothing to do and no schedule to keep to is fun for a few days, but i've been at this for a few weeks now, and it's getting really old. i feel useless, and i hate that. i have no reason to wake up at a decent hour, so i usually get up around ten. and by the time i actually get showered and dressed, the day's half gone - not that i have anything to do anyway.

i'm also going to dye my hair again soon, and hopefully get it cut. it's so long right now! i can't stand it. it's probably grown an inch and a half since i colored it or got i cut, so all the layers are growing out, and the roots on the blond part underneath have grown out soooo much. it's yucky. i'm not quite sure yet what color/colors i'm going to dye it this time. i want something fun and funky, so i'm thinking reddish chunks? we'll see.

on another note, i got to see two of my favorite bands in may - owl city and the classic crime. oh, and relient K, but they're not my favorite. it was my first time seeing owl city and they were fantastic. super awkward, but super cute. and good live. i've lost count of how many times i've seen tcc. but let's just say, it's enough that i can predict that he'll say next. aha. i went with my sisters, which was really fun. we haven't done anything like that together in a long time.

i spent today getting my room in order. finally! now i can breathe easy in here.

the 'show me' state.

i find that i question everything in life. i don't take anything on the word of others. growing up, my mother would tell me that i should live in missouri because it's the "show me" state. i always want evidence. is that a good thing? to want proof of what i'm being told? i'm not so sure.

see, i've realized lately - over the last few months, that i have a really hard time trusting people. not just those close to me, but anyone at all. the last week of classes, i was stressing out about a group project i had to do. i just couldn't put enough trust in some stranger to get his part of the project done and to do it at the same level as i would. in the end, i wound up completing the entire project on my own, mostly because this joker i had for partner did absolutely nothing, even when i did try to include him in what i was doing.

maybe the reason i have such a hard time trusting others is because i'm afraid of getting hurt or let down. if i don't put faith in someone, and trust they'll keep their word, then i won't be disappointed when they don't. i think it's a form of self-preservation that i have, however subconscious it may be.

or maybe i've recently lost my trust in others because my trust has been violated in a way that i couldn't recover from. for a long time, i thought i was pretty trusting of others - too trusting at times. and in the end, it cost me. it hurt me. people failed me and broke that trust.

i don't think that my trust issue is a bad one, though. in fact, i think it helps weed out the people in my life that maybe shouldn't be there. the true friends from the friends. the people that care from the people that look like they care.

i guess the problem isn't really with ones that i'm close to, it just takes me a really long time to trust someone once i meet them. which, i think to an extent, is true for everyone...it's just exaggerated a little in my case.

if nothing else, this summer will be fun.

i've been in my own little world for the past couple weeks. i don't like facing the facts of my life - the fact that in a matter of a couple weeks i will have to miraculously find a summer job. so instead of facing these issues, i just live like a hermit in my own head (DCFC reference, anyone?).

in one week from today (or tomorrow, depending on how my plans end up) i will be back home in sammamish for the summer. i'm definitely torn. there's a major part of me that just wants to skip over the summer completely and move into my new dorm room in the brand new East Hall (which I still can't see the inside of). the stress of finding a job and the fear of not finding one and end up dying of boredom over the summer is a scary enough thought to make me not want to leave. on the other hand, i am so ready for a change, even if that means going home for the summer. i'm sick of the classes and the schedule and feeling like i never do anything fun.

i know that if nothing else, this summer will be fun. i already have a list of about eight shows that i want to go to, and they barely touch july. i'm going to be going to california for a few days to pick up rabid, visit alissa at westmont, and hopefully go to disneyland for a day. then me and rabid will road trip it back up to sammamish. harry potter comes out soon too, and the midnight showing is a tradition of me and rabid's. not to mention, the fourth of july and my birthday. and i might go to warped tour again in august. i really do have a lot to look forward to. i'm sure the summer will go by insanely fast like it always does, and before i know it, i'll be moving into my new room.

i know i'll be getting to see some of my favorite bands this summer, which definitely makes me feel better. i know for sure i'll be seeing two of them - owl city and the classic crime towards the end of may. the secret handshake is coming though seattle in june, artist vs poet is coming in july, this providence/hey monday in june, and i know there are others that i'm forgetting. it's going to be really awesome.

i'm going to start packing either tonight or tomorrow and it actually brings joy to my heart to think about packing up my room. i don't really have a feeling of 'home' there. i'm rarely in my room as it is and it's always cold and dark because it's in the basement. i'm excited and ready to be above group next semester. i need to figure out if i should get boxes to pack stuff, or if i should just try to throw all my clothes in garbage bags to take them home. boxes would be much more organized, but i'm tempted by the ease of the garbage bags.

it still hasn't really hit me that it's may and i'm going home in a week. maybe it'll hit me when i take all my posters and pictures off the wall, when i have my last day of class on monday, when i walk to hawthorne to take my accounting final, when my parents arrive to start packing up the car, or maybe when i get on I-90 to start driving home. because it definitely has not hit me yet. it will be weird not to see everyone for a while. i'm much closer to the girls on my hall than i was last year, and it will be sad to not see them every morning and evening.

what are the odds, right?

for once in my life, luck was on my side. my housing lottery number was 86...out of 10,000. the lottery went down last night in the HUB. i was utterly afraid that i'd end up in some horrible dungeon room in warren or the dreaded village. in my worrisome state, i even went so far to figure out that there were only a maximum of 4 girls with lottery numbers before mine...of course, there was always the possibility that someone with senior standing would want the same room as me and snatch it from my grasp. but what are the odds, right?

last night was the in-house sign up. my ideal dorm for next year is East Hall, which is brand new, so there was no in-house sign ups. but of course, i had to wait for that to end. after that, they proceeded to do quad sign ups...then triples sign ups...then finally singles sign ups. it was horrible waiting game. sitting there watching as more and more rooms got crossed off. finally, we lined up for single rooms. i was at the front of the line for the girls and Chessa was right behind me. our plan had worked - we would both get a single in East, since there were only two. jokingly, while waiting to be sent into the sign up room, i said "wouldn't it suck if some girl came jaunting in here with more housing points than us and just happened to want one of the singles in east?...but that would never happen!" i spoke too soon, because about a minute later, a girl came running in, with four housing points which pushed her to the front of the line. me and Chessa frantically asked "what dorm are you going to?"..."East," she replied. of course. at least she took the second floor single because i wanted the first floor, which was nice. unfortunately, Chessa didn't get into East, and ended up getting a single in Ballard. i'm sad we won't be in the same dorm next year, but i'm really happy that i got my first choice of rooms. i honestly couldn't believe it worked out for me. nothing works out in my favor with my horrible luck.

i'm excited for the new start this new dorm will bring for me. as much as i have loved living in ballard, and i've met a ton of new people, i'm excited to be living above ground where the sun can shine in and squirrels don't die in my window well. i'll no longer be living in an all-girls dorm (though, it's not like there is ever a time when there aren't guys in ballard). i'll be a junior, i won't have a roommate, i'll have new classes and will hopefully make more new friends. is it weird that i almost want to just skip over summer and head straight to the fall? maybe it's because the thought of summer just holds stress right now. i don't know where i will work, or if i'll be able to find work at all. if i can't, i will seriously lose my mind sitting at home all day every day. i won't have a ton of friends at home during the summer, though i'm happy to be returning a place where i can see good shows on a regular basis. it's a good-bad situation.

who knows? maybe i'll meet some new people at shows this summer. i really need to make some friends that are into the same kind of music as me so i don't have to drag people along with me. it'd be a much better situation for everyone involved.

i just realized that my fingers are hurting. i thought for a quick second that it might be due to typing so much, but then i remembered how i played guitar for about two hours yesterday. that'll do it. i'm so glad that i started playing guitar this year. i took the beginning class in the fall and i'm taking the intermediate class right now. i'm so sad that there isn't an advanced class that i can take next semester! i think i might try and take lessons through the school, even though it's more expensive. paul, who taught the beginning class and my intermediate class, teaches the lessons as well, so i know it would be a teacher i know and am comfortable with. i just don't want to stop taking lessons or a class because i know that if i do, i will never push myself to get any better or learn anything harder. i will still play, for sure, i just won't try to do more advanced stuff. that's exactly what happened with piano, and it makes me sad. i know that guitar is something i will continue for a long time, and i don't want to stop learning. of all the instruments i've learned (guitar makes five...), guitar is my favorite. i can easily just pick it up and play for a few minutes or an hour without a problem.

now, you're probably wondering why i'm writing such a lengthy blog at a moment like this. the answer is thus: i am bored as hell. right now, i only have four academic classes (plus guitar, radio, and ice skating as 1-credits). one of those is a night class, so i do that homework once a week. the other three classes that i have on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, each have homework due roughly once a week. i have nothing due tomorrow and nothing due thursday. therefore, i have been sitting in the coffee shop for about three hours now. i caught up on heroes, and i'll probably watch parks & recreation later today. maybe a little fantasy factory, you know. i have too much free time, but i don't have enough time left here to get a job, since i'll be going back home in less than a month. so, for now, i don't do much of anything...hence, why i was able to play guitar for two hours yesterday.

i need to be entertained.

done with this in-between stage

the thought of growing up scares the hell out of me. when i was a kid, college seemed like an eternity away. i am now almost half way done with college. in july, i will turn 20. i will have been alive for two decades. i don't want to feel old, but i do.

on the other hand, i'm ready to be done with this in-between stage. i don't want to live with my parents any more. i want to be out in the world, living in an apartment with friends. it's a weird situation to be living in the dorms throughout the year and then move back in with the parentals for the summer. there's a different dynamic. though, i never had many rules to begin with, so it's not like they go back to trying to control my life, because they never really did. though, it will be nice to have my own room again for the summer. and i miss my bed, my big, comfy bed.

i'm in the process of planning my schedule for the fall, and i register on monday. as of right now, my schedule is not looking like it's going to be a lot of fun. i'll be taking probability and statistics, business law, physics I, consumer behavior, and digital imaging. plus, i'll probably try and take guitar lessons. this will put me at 17 credits, which is the max. i'm still not sure about physics. it's going to be super hard, but i'll be taking it with rebecca, which would be fun. i am still undecided.

always thinking about something, contemplating, brewing.

sometimes i wish my brain had an on/off switch. it's constantly working, like a diligent machine. unfortunately, it's a machine that never turns off, never takes a break. and because of that, it's starting to wear down a bit. even while i'm supposed to be sleeping, i'm still thinking. last night night i wasn't tired, for some reason unbeknown to me. i finally decided around 1:30 am that i should at least get into bed and try to fall asleep. i did have to wake at 6:30, afterall. last time i looked at the clock, it was 2:30 in the morning. i fell asleep some point after that, but proceeded to wake up every hour until it was finally time to get up. the weirdest part? i wasn't tired when i woke up. however, around 2 pm, it hit me like a ton of bricks. i then took a two hour nap. and now, here i am at 12:45 in the morning. not tired.

all this to say, i wish i could just stop for a while and sleep. i mean really sleep. my mind is always thinking about something, contemplating, brewing.

my eyes are straining to focus at the moment, and i should've known this would happen. i read 92 pages straight without getting up or looking around. i sat in the corner of the coffee shop, curled up by the fireplace and read for a couple hours - with a vanilla latte in tow, naturally. it was simply blissful, but now my eyes aren't working quite properly. the book's called "the will of god as a way of life" by jerry sittser. he's a prof here at whitworth and i had heard good things about the book. i ordered it on amazon a while ago, and it finally arrived today. i had no homework, so i decided to spend some time reading today, and it was wonderful. it's already helping put things in perspective for me. i've heard so many people say "do the will of God..." or "follow God's will..." but no one really explains what that means. this book is doing that for me.

the book emphasizes the fact that we should not focus on the future, but rather on the daily tasks that may seem mundane. if we can seek God first in those tasks, the future will take care of itself. it's nearly impossible for me to not think about and dwell on the future. it's all most of us think about. why do i work so hard for good grades? so i can get a good job later. why do we cultivate relationships now? to eventually get married and have kids. in fact, i find that thoughts of what my future might entail comandeer my mind on a regular basis. why is that? why can't we ever just be content to enjoy now?

my eyes are finally starting to get tired but my mind is still fully awake. it's a never ending battle between body and mind.