the homework assignment that moves.

i love god. of all ways for him to speak to me, i wasn't expecting to get it from a homework assignment. for my philosophy of religion class, i had to read a bunch of bible passages and try to pull out things the passage said about good and evil and god's relationship to them. the last passage i read was romans 8:18-39. it turns out that i read the assignment sheet wrong and i wasn't even supposed to read that one...i was actually supposed to read something from james. after i realized this in class today, it just made me smile because i knew, even more than i did last night, that God wanted me to read the romans passage. honestly, it just spoke so closely to my situation. i've been going through a heck of a time here these last few weeks. a combination of so many things has sent me into a....a....i don't even know what to call it....pit of despair? okay, so that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea. i've been questioning a lot of things lately....a lot of things that aren't what i thought they'd be. here are some of the verses of the romans passage that i read last night:

"the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us"

"we groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body, For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance"

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his purpose."

"What then shall we say to these things? if God is for us, who can be against us?"

"For i am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

as i was reading this it just kind of reminded me that God loves me, no matter what kind of crap i'm going through. it's also not God who is doing these things to me and causing me pain. this realization doesn't make the situation any better or make me any happier, it just helped remind me that there is someone who will always be there for me and loves me so much that i cannot even comprehend.

this doesn't make my problems go away. i'm still really considering transferring for next year. i just don't know if i want to be here any more. i hate it. i hate it. i am trying to take it day by day, but every time i eat alone (which is pretty much every meal of every day), i just find myself thinking "i hate me life, i hate my life." i wish i could just go to sleep and wake up on march 21st and go home. i've been sleeping a lot more than usual lately. i find that i'm tired basically all of the time. yesterday i took a 2 and a half hour nap, basically because i had no reason and no motivation to wake up, despite setting my alarm for a 45 minute nap. why wake up if there's no reason to? the only reason i got out of bed was because my sister called me. then of course i procrastinated doing my homework and ended up staying up until 2 am finishing it, which was my own fault. but by that point, i wasn't tired because of my ridiculously long nap. oh, oh and i painted my nails yellow last night. i kinda forgot how much i love having my nails painted.

okay, so i'm actually really, really tired right now, so i think i'm going to take a nap. i can't be tired for tonight...lost is on!