dips and dives of epic proportions

my life consists of ups and downs...constantly. i feel as if i'm riding a huge roller coaster with consecutive dips and dives of epic proportions. lame analogy, i know. but, unfortunately, it is too true. one day i will have amazing things happen, with everything happening to my benefit. then the next day i will have the complete opposite experience, as if the devil is taking charge of everything that happens to me. yesterday was an amazing day. i got an email from my professor, telling me she has mixed up an essay grade and that i had actually received a 90% instead of 64%...which is an absolutely huge change, and it definitely put me in a good mood. i was preparing for registering for classes, and all the classes i wanted still had openings. i took a test for core that i had been stressing over, that actually didn't go to horribly (at least i think...), and it was such a relief to have it be done. and i turned an essay in yesterday which had also caused me some stress. overall, yesterday was literally one of the best days i've had in a while. it was just a series of little good things that happened to add up to an amazing day.

...buuuuut then today came. i will not go into reasons why i woke up on the complete wrong side of the bed. there are a couple specific reasons, but i don't want to write about them...it will make me too pissed off. i went to work out this morning with rebecca and emilie, for which i had to get up at 9:15 because they didn't want to go later. thursday is one of my two sleep-in days, so i was not very happy to be waking up before 10. then, for certain reasons that will, to you all, remain unknown, i was extremely tired and had absolutely no energy to work out...so i got a headache after we left the fitness center, which just helped to make my day so bright. i later discovered that the class that i planned to take next semester to fulfill my science requirement is only available to education students, so i was forced to re-evaluate my whole schedule that i had planned two weeks in advance. wonderful. then it was lunch time, and i ate with rebecca and jared. i hadn't seen jared in a couple days, so that was fun. but some trouble ensued, making things slightly awkward. then they went to class and i went back to my room to prepare to register for classes right at 2pm, the moment that i would be able to. of course, just my luck, the site we use to register was telling me that i was not eligible to register, even though i was. i spent about fifteen minutes freaking out that the classes i wanted would fill up before the stupid site decided to work, when finally it went through, and i was able to get all the classes i wanted...besides, of course, the science class that i will never be able to take. and now, this is where the past becomes present. i am currently sitting at my computer wondering what the heck is happening. this day has just not been good. nothing has necessarily gone right, but what really made it bad, was the start to my day. you know what i mean? if one bad thing happens when you wake up, it just kinda makes the entire rest of the day sucky and miserable.

i get to go home for thanksgiving break in only six days. i am very anxious for many things that will occur during this break...one thing in particular, that i don't really want to talk about. BUT i am extremely excited to spend time with my sisters, since i haven't seen them since august! and i'm just excited to go home and see my pets. i've recently really been missing tully. it could just be because i know he is old and i want to spend as much time with him as possible. i just wish i could run up and hug him and kiss his face. and of course, i can't wait to see my bubzer...with that cute little, smashed in face and loud breathing. and i can't leave out my little kitten, who decided to be mad at me when i went home for fall break. i guess she was pissed that i left, so decided to basically ignore me and run away from me until the night before i left. hopefully she will be more inclined to spend time with me this break. i am also really excited to see all my friends that i haven't seen in a while...i feel like it's been a lifetime, but i know once we are all together, it will feel like no time has passed at all, and i love that.

this semester is almost over, and i am soooo happy. i am not really enjoying my classes this semester, and i have a feeling that spring is going to be much more fun. and for jan term i am taking music of the christian church, which is going to be really easy and fun. i'm pumped.

i really miss live music. it's funny because for rebecca, it was just a fun thing to do on the weekends, but for me, it has become so much more. i find out about all of these amazing concerts happening in seattle while i am in spokane, and i get really sad about missing them. she doesn't get nearly as disappointed. i just miss it so much. going to concerts was a way to escape from literally everything else that is going on in your life (especially the bad stuff) and forget about it just for a few hours, while enjoying some amazing entertainment with people who love it just as much as you do. and also, it helped having one to look forward to, it was something that kept me going through hard times...knowing that i would be going to see this providence or the classic crime in a month motivated me a lot to just suffer through whatever was going on. oh well. i guess i will just have to find something to fill the void that is now in my life.

6 days! ahhh!

only a few weeks of school left in the semester

i'm sitting in the coffee shop, called Mind and Hearth, supposed to be studying for the majorly huge and important test i have tomorrow. so naturally, my mind is thinking about everything else besides the test, including the fact that i have been slightly neglecting this blog. i am extremely stressed out right now...life is moving ridiculously fast right now. i have seven hours of class total today (when every other day of the week, i only have three), six of which still lie ahead of me.

i have this weird feeling that good things are going to come soon, that things are going to start to look up really soon. i don't know where this feeling is coming from, or why, but i definitely like it. things have gotten pretty hard the last couple of weeks...especially with thanksgiving so close, but yet so far away. i'm really missing my sisters, whom i haven't seen since the end of august. it feels weird. i've also been extremely emotional lately, and i have no idea why. randomly i will think of something that would normally make me only slightly sad, and i will start bawling. it's very odd.

luckily my emotional state is starting to taper off, it could have been because i was extremely sick for two and a half weeks and was on all sorts of crazy medicines, and my body was all messed up from not getting good rest. who knows?

i am so happy that this semester is almost over. i am taking 16 credits right now, and have 19 hours of class a week. next semester (assuming i get all the classes i want...) i will still have 16 credits, but only 15 hours of class a week. that really is a huge difference. i'm not taking any especially fun classes next semester...just trying to get a bunch of general education requirements out of the way...but i know that the amount of reading will be considerably less, which will be such a relief. i feel like i am just drowning in reading right now.

there are only a few weeks of school left in the semester. upon returning from thanksgiving break, i will only have two weeks of class, then finals week, then i get to go home again on december 13th! i have a feeling it is going to go extremely fast. also, i am really excited because i have been emailing this woman who has a horse that needs exercising. i went to visit her and meet her horses while my parents were here for parents weekend. her horse, mercedes or mercy, was really sweet and cute. mercy had a baby a little while ago, so the lady is going to be officially weaning the baby this weekend, which means i can start riding her soon! and the lady, Sam, offered to come pick me up from school to come work her horse. i'm so fricking excited.

i am still hoping, beyond all hope, that i will get a car soon. it is really annoying being stuck on campus. it would just be nice if i had a way to escape if i'm feeling down or sad or mad, for that matter. even just getting off campus to go to starbucks, just to get away, would be a huge help to me right now. not to mention, then i would be able to go ride a lot more often, considering Sam can only come get me on the weekends cause she works full time. ohh geez.

i want to paint my nails black.

the incessant and horrible coughing

well it's been quite a while since i have blogged. it's weird. it's mostly because i've been freaking sick for almost two weeks. last wednesday (6 days ago) i went to the campus health center, hoping that they would give me something the make the incessant and horrible coughing go away, and so i could actually sleep through the night without waking up ten times, and go to class without disrupting everyone. so, the doctor told me that i have a sinus infection and so she gave me antibiotics and mucinex to help get everything out, ya know. so, i started taking the antibiotics and the mucinex twice a day on wednesday, and i'm not any better yet. i have literally been suffering through the day and night. there is no other word to describe it but suffering. i lost my voice on friday, and it's still in the process of coming back, which is just really fun. and, guess what? i'm still coughing incessantly! i basically sound like i'm dying. it's miserable trying to focus and get work done, especially reading...which there's a lot of. plus, to top it all off, i only have two cough drops left....so i don't know how i'm going to make it through the night tonight. my body gave me a little tease this morning and made me think that i was starting to get better...until the coughing hit again at about 2 pm. i am going to go back to freaking health center tomorrow morning hopefully and see what the heck is wrong with the antibiotics since they are not working at all. i just hate being here right now. i wish i was home where i wouldn't have to walk outside in the 30 degree weather for five minutes just to get food...which, i am positive, is not helping me get better. i've missed three sessions of my pilates class so now i'm going to be totally lost when i can finally go back to class. i guess i should consider myself lucky seeing as the work load for the last week has been noticeably less than normal, but that's still not helping me get better. i need to go to sleep, although it will probably take me at least an hour to fall asleep, even though i'm exhausted.

chuck norris can believe it's not butter.

oh, the junior high years.

i found this journal entry from when i was 14 years old. i thought it was the funniest thing in the world, so i thought i would share it with the world. i am going to leave out proper names and such....

"Dear Journal,
this entry will be about one thing, or person i guess i should say, and his name is ---. About six weeks ago, i started going to ---- and i love it. not only because it's an awesome youth group, but because that is where i met---. From the first moment i saw him i knew that i liked him. he's 14 years old, but he's only in 8th grade and he goes to ----. he's a little taller than me and he dresses like a complete metrosexual (that means he dresses really well). the cutest thing is that he always wears (almost always) a brown baseball cap with elastic in the back, he wears in tilted to the side. he wears awesome tinted jeans that hang just right and are the perfect length. he also wears kswiss shows which are prime. ---- also walks really nicely and carries himself nicely. he always seems really nice and he has a really sexual voice, though his laugh is kinda funny (but cute). another thing i love about him is that hes not afraid to be religious. when it's worship time, he actually sings and raises his hands and i think that it's so cool that he doesn't care about anyone else while he is worshipping. the one problem i have is that, well...i've never actually talked to him before. But, we had made direct eye contact at least 3 times. ---is coming with me this wednesday..tell ya more later!"


who knew i could use such intense words like metrosexual at fourteen. haha.

are you ever so fed up that you stop caring?

do you ever have days where you just wonder what people are thinking? why they make certain choices? are you ever baffled at what people you know do with their lives and what they spend their time doing? do you ever just want to scream at someone 'what are you thinking'? do you ever want to try to wake someone from the sleep they seem to be in? are you ever so fed up that you stop caring and stop pretending to be nice? because i've been having a lot of those days lately.

i really have not been a happy person lately. i just always feel down about something, and most of the time i don't really know what is making me feel this way. last year if i felt sad, i could just sit with bubba sleeping on my lap and watch tv. it helped me to forget everything that was going on, forget the world, forget my problems. or i would take a nap sleeping on tully, listening to his heart beat, feeling his chest go up and down as he breathed slowly. it calmed me down, helped me to think rationally and not be so angry about stuff that was going on. i have no where that i can escape to here. no one to help me feel better. no fluffy kittens that will come purr at my feet, no smushy faced puppy to make me smile, no big dog that i can lay on...no bedroom to lock myself into, no concert i can go to to clear my head, no one to vent my problems to that will understand me, and no car to drive my problems away with.

i can't wait to go home on thursday. monday and tuesday of this week are gonna be monsters, but once tuesday at 9:30 rolls around, it's cake until i leave for break on thursday at 3. i'm going to see if i can not go to painting class on thursday, then i literally could sleep in as late as i want. oh wait, scratch that. i'm having coffee with On at some point on thursday morning, but it would be amazing to not have any classes to go to the entire day.

my pilates class starts tomorrow. i'm going to try it out, but i might end up dropping it because it's in the middle of the day, and i'm already swamped all the time. if it's more yoga-like pilates, i might stay in because it may actually help relieve my stress. but if it's really intense, i will probably wait until next semester. i'm just always feel like i have an overabundance of homework, and i sometimes do my gospel of john homework during that hour. i don't know, i guess i will go monday and wednesday and see if it's going to be okay.

oh my word. i just absolutely cannot wait to scoop bubba up in my arms and wrap myself around tully. and have my little kitten sleep with me at night in my amazingly large and comfortable be. oh man, i can't believe i get to go home in three days! ahhh!

now, i must be off to study for my major c.s. lewis test that's on tuesday. oh, and did i mention that i have a painting due on tuesday that i've only done the initial painting? that's going to be fun trying to finish that tomorrow. ahaha...somebody help me.

i've become a pretender.

the other day in core, i fell asleep pushing the backspace on my laptop. when i woke up, i had deleted almost half of my notes. this is the kind of thing that only happens to me. i am a horribly unlucky person and weird, but horrible things always happen to me. kind of like how i tripped and ripped a whole in my pants the other day because someone left the rug turned over...and also because i'm sort of a clutz, i'll admit it.

i feel like i complain a lot. maybe that's just cause a lot of bad things seem to happen to me, or i seem to always end up in a situation that, as i would say 'is not ideal.' i use that phrase a lot. any time something really sucks, i say "this is not my ideal situation." it makes me feel not so bad about the crap that happens to me. i also find myself saying "only me!" a lot, rebecca can attest to that.

barcelona is coming to spokane on december 1st. i absolutely cannot wait. i actually started screaming when i found out...that's how excited i am. i really wish moneta or tysen or this providence or classic crime would come play some time too. oh well. when i am home for fall break, and boys like girls and all time low are going to be playing at el corazon. i really want to go, but i just need to find someone to go with me. i think it would be an amazing concert.

i wish i had guts. i wish i was able to just speak my mind to everyone i ever meet. i wish i could say whatever i wanted to people and tell them how i really feel. it's kind of weird cause i feel like i'm hiding the most from the people i spend the most time with. what is wrong with me that i can't just talk about my feelings? that i can't just have 'the balls' to say what i want? my life would be a lot better right now if i could talk to people honestly. there are so many burning questions that i want answers to, so many things i don't understand. i've become a pretender.

can anyone wake me from the sleep i'm in? from the hazy life i've been leading? life continues without a realization of where i'm going or what i'm doing. i keep praying for something to change, for things to get better. i'm still waiting for a reply.

i keep trying to rely on god, cause he's the only one left that can do anything for me. he's the only one who understands my situation. it's hard being here by myself some times. it helps me fall back on him, cause there is simply no one else. i've started to become sort of lonely here. music has become more of a friend to me than ever before. but it almost makes me more sad sometimes because i find myself listening to seattle bands. music helps me forget about the world. thank god for music.

i basically got addicted to them

the other day i had an epiphany about my happiness and why it has recently been lacking. that discovery was that horseback riding, which was such a huge part of my life, is now missing from the equation. i didn't really realize how much it affected me, but it's starting to dawn on me. i was getting to the point where i was riding three to four days a week and teaching two or three days a week...and i haven't even seen a horse in a couple months now. it's really weird. horses are really therapeutic for my sanity. this is going to sound crazy, but they are wonderful listeners. if i was riding alone or with only one or two other people, i would talk to the horse i was riding almost the entire time. most horses love it when you talk to them...they like to hear your voice, and you can tell they are listening to you when they have one ear turned back to face you and one forward to listen to everything else. they will listen to everything you have to say, and it makes you feel so much better. they're wonderful companions, and will try to take care of their riders. they feel responsible for you, and feel really bad if you fall off (unless of course they try to dump you because they are not well trained...). riding was something that i counted on, that i looked forward to. it was really calming and kept me sane. it's one of those things that you can do to escape from the world. when you're riding, nothing else exists in the world but the connection between you and your horse. it's the best feeling in the world when the horse is really responsive and you are just completely in sync, you feel like you are floating. and lets not even talk about jumping, that is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

some days, if i was alone at the barn and not having a good day, i would just go out into the pasture and hang out with the horses while they grazed. you can lean on them, hug them, sit next to them and just chill. they are so relaxing to be around and like i said, they are wonderful listeners. i really miss having them in my life. i've been emailing this lady who wants me to exercise her arabian mare for her here in spokane, and i'm really hoping that she's close enough to campus for us to work something out, because riding, and even just being around horses would make me much happier on a day to day basis.

i also really miss being able to go for runs. that's one reason why i'm so looking forward to going home in ten days. i decided i'm going to try to go for a run every day that i am home. running with bubba was a really good way to clear my head...it allowed me to run my problems and stresses away. i've started thinking about all the things i want to do while i am home. i most definitely want to go to pike place or another place in seattle. i really miss it, and can't wait to go back. and me and rebecca are probably going to go visit kaylyn at UPS and i'm really excited to see her. it will be so wonderful to go back home for a few days.

it's hard because i really don't feel like i have that many friends here, and i am never very happy. i don't really know why, but i haven't really been my bubbly, loud, sarcastic self since coming here. i dunno...there are a bunch of factors that could be the cause of this, but i don't like it. i wish i could just be happy all the time. today is the first day in a really long time that i've had even a semi-good day. i miss being bubbly and happy. i miss having that good feeling all the time. i feel down all the time, and i don't really have anyone that will cheer me up here. at home i had so many people and things around me to make me feel better, but here, there isn't anyone/anything like that. i definitely know one cause of this, but it's not the entire cause. i'm not really homesick, at least i wouldn't call it that...it's more of the fact that i miss things and events back home.

missing a bunch of absolutely amazing concerts doesn't really help me feel better either. ah. live music is such an upper for me. i miss it horribly. not that i haven't gone to concerts since coming here, cause i've gone to two...they just aren't the same as my favorite seattle bands. i saw moneta four times this summer, barcelona once, the classic crime once, this providence once, tysen twice, dating delilah twice (only cause they were opening), the real you twice, and others i'm forgetting. it's insane to go from that to being completely cut off from them. especially with moneta. i basically got addicted to them after seeing them four times in a matter of about two months, and now i haven't seen them in about two months. i am definitely having concert withdrawls.

cheer me up.