i've become a pretender.

the other day in core, i fell asleep pushing the backspace on my laptop. when i woke up, i had deleted almost half of my notes. this is the kind of thing that only happens to me. i am a horribly unlucky person and weird, but horrible things always happen to me. kind of like how i tripped and ripped a whole in my pants the other day because someone left the rug turned over...and also because i'm sort of a clutz, i'll admit it.

i feel like i complain a lot. maybe that's just cause a lot of bad things seem to happen to me, or i seem to always end up in a situation that, as i would say 'is not ideal.' i use that phrase a lot. any time something really sucks, i say "this is not my ideal situation." it makes me feel not so bad about the crap that happens to me. i also find myself saying "only me!" a lot, rebecca can attest to that.

barcelona is coming to spokane on december 1st. i absolutely cannot wait. i actually started screaming when i found out...that's how excited i am. i really wish moneta or tysen or this providence or classic crime would come play some time too. oh well. when i am home for fall break, and boys like girls and all time low are going to be playing at el corazon. i really want to go, but i just need to find someone to go with me. i think it would be an amazing concert.

i wish i had guts. i wish i was able to just speak my mind to everyone i ever meet. i wish i could say whatever i wanted to people and tell them how i really feel. it's kind of weird cause i feel like i'm hiding the most from the people i spend the most time with. what is wrong with me that i can't just talk about my feelings? that i can't just have 'the balls' to say what i want? my life would be a lot better right now if i could talk to people honestly. there are so many burning questions that i want answers to, so many things i don't understand. i've become a pretender.

can anyone wake me from the sleep i'm in? from the hazy life i've been leading? life continues without a realization of where i'm going or what i'm doing. i keep praying for something to change, for things to get better. i'm still waiting for a reply.

i keep trying to rely on god, cause he's the only one left that can do anything for me. he's the only one who understands my situation. it's hard being here by myself some times. it helps me fall back on him, cause there is simply no one else. i've started to become sort of lonely here. music has become more of a friend to me than ever before. but it almost makes me more sad sometimes because i find myself listening to seattle bands. music helps me forget about the world. thank god for music.