i basically got addicted to them

the other day i had an epiphany about my happiness and why it has recently been lacking. that discovery was that horseback riding, which was such a huge part of my life, is now missing from the equation. i didn't really realize how much it affected me, but it's starting to dawn on me. i was getting to the point where i was riding three to four days a week and teaching two or three days a week...and i haven't even seen a horse in a couple months now. it's really weird. horses are really therapeutic for my sanity. this is going to sound crazy, but they are wonderful listeners. if i was riding alone or with only one or two other people, i would talk to the horse i was riding almost the entire time. most horses love it when you talk to them...they like to hear your voice, and you can tell they are listening to you when they have one ear turned back to face you and one forward to listen to everything else. they will listen to everything you have to say, and it makes you feel so much better. they're wonderful companions, and will try to take care of their riders. they feel responsible for you, and feel really bad if you fall off (unless of course they try to dump you because they are not well trained...). riding was something that i counted on, that i looked forward to. it was really calming and kept me sane. it's one of those things that you can do to escape from the world. when you're riding, nothing else exists in the world but the connection between you and your horse. it's the best feeling in the world when the horse is really responsive and you are just completely in sync, you feel like you are floating. and lets not even talk about jumping, that is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

some days, if i was alone at the barn and not having a good day, i would just go out into the pasture and hang out with the horses while they grazed. you can lean on them, hug them, sit next to them and just chill. they are so relaxing to be around and like i said, they are wonderful listeners. i really miss having them in my life. i've been emailing this lady who wants me to exercise her arabian mare for her here in spokane, and i'm really hoping that she's close enough to campus for us to work something out, because riding, and even just being around horses would make me much happier on a day to day basis.

i also really miss being able to go for runs. that's one reason why i'm so looking forward to going home in ten days. i decided i'm going to try to go for a run every day that i am home. running with bubba was a really good way to clear my head...it allowed me to run my problems and stresses away. i've started thinking about all the things i want to do while i am home. i most definitely want to go to pike place or another place in seattle. i really miss it, and can't wait to go back. and me and rebecca are probably going to go visit kaylyn at UPS and i'm really excited to see her. it will be so wonderful to go back home for a few days.

it's hard because i really don't feel like i have that many friends here, and i am never very happy. i don't really know why, but i haven't really been my bubbly, loud, sarcastic self since coming here. i dunno...there are a bunch of factors that could be the cause of this, but i don't like it. i wish i could just be happy all the time. today is the first day in a really long time that i've had even a semi-good day. i miss being bubbly and happy. i miss having that good feeling all the time. i feel down all the time, and i don't really have anyone that will cheer me up here. at home i had so many people and things around me to make me feel better, but here, there isn't anyone/anything like that. i definitely know one cause of this, but it's not the entire cause. i'm not really homesick, at least i wouldn't call it that...it's more of the fact that i miss things and events back home.

missing a bunch of absolutely amazing concerts doesn't really help me feel better either. ah. live music is such an upper for me. i miss it horribly. not that i haven't gone to concerts since coming here, cause i've gone to two...they just aren't the same as my favorite seattle bands. i saw moneta four times this summer, barcelona once, the classic crime once, this providence once, tysen twice, dating delilah twice (only cause they were opening), the real you twice, and others i'm forgetting. it's insane to go from that to being completely cut off from them. especially with moneta. i basically got addicted to them after seeing them four times in a matter of about two months, and now i haven't seen them in about two months. i am definitely having concert withdrawls.

cheer me up.