i've barely blogged at all this summer, though not for lack of spare time. work's been going alright i suppose. some days are better than others. i'm averaging about 32 hours a week, four eight hour days...though i only get paid for 28 of those hours. it's nice though because it's not quite full time, but more than part time. this week and next week i'm only working three days a week. i'm finally starting to get into the swing of things and to the point where i'm a little more comfortable with selling and all that jazz. i'm finding that i know how to do most of the stuff now, whereas before, i was always asking a ton of questions. plus, i must say, this job does pay really well. though it's near impossible to earn commission, especially as a divisonal employee. i've asked a ton of people if they've made commission, and none of them have. but, the 10.50 an hour is more than enough. i read in the sammamish review that qfc was hiring 'courtesy clerks' for 8.25 and hour...so i really have no reason to complain.
it was my birthday a few days ago. i don't feel any older. nineteen is kind of an in between age. eighteen is huge because you're half way legal. at twenty, you're not a teenager any more. and obviously at twenty-one, well, you know. so, it's great to be one year older, but not much has changed. i got some sweet gifts though. i got an amazing little speaker for my ipod. the sound quality is so good and portable. i also got zelda for my DS which i've been playing a lot in my spare time. then i also got psych season 1 on dvd, which is one of my favorite shows. ooh and i got two of these fantastic scarves from wet seal. honestly, no words can even describe them. they are spectacular. and i got some itunes gift cards, so i spent those right away.
on that note, the maine's new album, can't stop won't stop, came out on tuesday, july 8th. it is so wonderful. i've been listening to it non-stop since i bought it on tuesday. capital lights' album, this is an outrage, also came out on tuesday. i've only listened to it a couple times, but it is also really good. it was the first full-length for both of these bands, which is exciting. i have to memorize the maine's album though because i get to see them again on july 14th, which is only a few days away. i am so freaking excited to see them again. i saw them in spokane while i was at school. i was really loved their ep, but i fell even more in love after i saw them live. plus, they were seriously the sweetest guys i've ever met...just genuinely happy to meet their fans and so appreciative of each and every fan. that quality is very rare in bands these days, especially once they start to get more popular.
it's weirding me out to think that i go back to school in less than eight weeks. it's odd. there's a part of me that wants to never go back. and then there's another part that is really excited to go back. i think the excited part is thinking that i'm actually going to get out of my little bubble next year. freshman year kind of helped me learn what not to do at college, haha. such as, only hanging out with like two people for the first two weeks, and then by default, the entire year. i'm excited for some new freshmen, and i'm going to really try to make an effort to make friends in all my classes. and, i must say, i am really pumped to be living in ballard. i think it will be a much better living environment for me. it just feels like home when i walk in there....probably because it looks like a house, with a cute little living room type lounge, a fireplace, and home-y staircases. haha. it doesn't feel like a dorm, and i like that. plus, i'm excited to meet some new girls and also hang out with the guys in mac.
i've started running again, which is awesome. for some reason when i got home from school i had this phobia that people would see me if i went out. i also used the excuse that i was just too tired from working all day (which was partially true...it's really hard standing on your feet for eight hours a day). i finally went out for a run a few days ago and it felt amazing. i just love listening to my ipod and running until i can't go any more. i'm going to try to go a lot more.
the new batman movie comes out soon, and i'm thoroughly excited. i've heard that it's really dark, but really amazing. i mean, come on, it's christian bale and heath ledger. how could that be bad?! and i'm really glad that they replaced katie holmes as rachel. i really don't like katie holmes.
oh, i forgot. i did a painting the other day. it's not quite finished, i still have to paint on the words. it looks nothing at all like the vision i had in my head...so we'll see how the finished product looks. if anything, i'll just paint over it later or throw it away, haha. it felt good to paint something on my own time, and to paint what i wanted...instead of a to scale painting of the painting studio or a life size self portrait. goodness, that painting class was so horrible. i'm really glad that i changed my major...i might be losing my mind if i was still doing graphic design.
i suppose i should go to bed. i do have to work tomorrow, though not until 11:30, which is really nice. i like the 11:30-7:30 shift because then i don't have to open and i don't have to close. i can just go, work, and leave and not have to deal with the opening or closing the register and all that crap. i'm surprisingly not that tired right now, even though i didn't go to bed until about 2:45 am last night. i'm sure once my head hits that pillow i will be out like a light. peace.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
sink down into myself, into my own little shell.
a few days ago i spent about an hour writing a ridiculously long blog. apparently i wasn't logged in (even though it said i was), so when i clicked 'publish' it decided to tell me to log in. when i clicked 'back,' the hour's work was gone. i was hecka pissed, especially since it was like 2 am, so i wasn't about to rewrite it then. i don't even remember what it said. grr.
do you ever have moments where you think "what am i doing here"? because i seem to have those a lot, and mostly at night. this is mainly why i have become somewhat of an insomniac...well, that and sleeping in until noon every day. i guess there are just days when i feel like i'm doing things just to have something to do, like there's no purpose to the madness. i don't know...i like to think that i've affected someone. and maybe that's a purpose we all serve, to change the lives of others in a positive way. and i think that's all we ever try to do. think about it - pretty much everything we do is for someone else. at your job - you're selling things to others, serving food to others, answering phones for someone, building something for another person, etc. why do bands make music and tour? for their fans. we all impact the people around us, even without thinking about it.
i'm just going through a weird time right now, especially just after coming home from my first year of college, trying to adjust back to normal life. i had to go out and get a job, that i'm not so sure i will truly enjoy it (maybe that's why it's a job), but i will have to wait until i actually start and get past training to find that out. i have a couple good concerts coming up (barcelona, the maine, boys like girls, metro station, the classic crime, holyfield, moneta....then warped tour, of course), which always lifts my spirits. i guess i'm just going through a period of self-discovery, trying to figure out who i am. it's weird that i'm almost nineteen now, and i'm still not really sure who i am. when someone asks me "who are you?" i don't know what to say...what is most important? the fact that i'm christian? the fact that i'm a college student? the fact that i'm of more than six nationalities? the fact that i'm 'emo'? the fact that i'm obsessed with music? ugh. i don't even know.
i've decided that i really, really need to get over my quietness, my meekness, and my shyness. of course, that's never going to happen, but a girl can dream. i've realized that whenever i am in an uncomfortable or unknown situation or place, i kind of just sink down into myself, into my own little shell and act as if i am invisible. when i'm thrown into a new situation i feel as if i am so small that no one will take notice of me, and so they don't. i'm not going to get any where in life if i keep this mindset. i will never change it, and i know my lack of self esteem just feeds this feeling, but what can i do? i hate being this way.
today i saw a whitworthian at borders. he was working at the seattle's best coffee shop that's in the borders at redmond town center. it was very weird. i wasn't getting coffee or anything, so i didn't talk to him. it's very odd seeing people from school over on this side of the state. he was in my sociology class, which makes it even more weird. he's the second person from whitworth that i've seen over here. i saw another guy a couple weeks ago while i was driving...also from my sociology class. that's odd. what a coincidence.
i really hate staying up late like this, but i just can't fall asleep. it's really bad when i actually have to wake up for something the next day (like i do tomorrow) because then i go to bed really late, but have to wake up early. i really need to get out of this habit. it's really not healthy. i'm going to end it right...now.
do you ever have moments where you think "what am i doing here"? because i seem to have those a lot, and mostly at night. this is mainly why i have become somewhat of an insomniac...well, that and sleeping in until noon every day. i guess there are just days when i feel like i'm doing things just to have something to do, like there's no purpose to the madness. i don't know...i like to think that i've affected someone. and maybe that's a purpose we all serve, to change the lives of others in a positive way. and i think that's all we ever try to do. think about it - pretty much everything we do is for someone else. at your job - you're selling things to others, serving food to others, answering phones for someone, building something for another person, etc. why do bands make music and tour? for their fans. we all impact the people around us, even without thinking about it.
i'm just going through a weird time right now, especially just after coming home from my first year of college, trying to adjust back to normal life. i had to go out and get a job, that i'm not so sure i will truly enjoy it (maybe that's why it's a job), but i will have to wait until i actually start and get past training to find that out. i have a couple good concerts coming up (barcelona, the maine, boys like girls, metro station, the classic crime, holyfield, moneta....then warped tour, of course), which always lifts my spirits. i guess i'm just going through a period of self-discovery, trying to figure out who i am. it's weird that i'm almost nineteen now, and i'm still not really sure who i am. when someone asks me "who are you?" i don't know what to say...what is most important? the fact that i'm christian? the fact that i'm a college student? the fact that i'm of more than six nationalities? the fact that i'm 'emo'? the fact that i'm obsessed with music? ugh. i don't even know.
i've decided that i really, really need to get over my quietness, my meekness, and my shyness. of course, that's never going to happen, but a girl can dream. i've realized that whenever i am in an uncomfortable or unknown situation or place, i kind of just sink down into myself, into my own little shell and act as if i am invisible. when i'm thrown into a new situation i feel as if i am so small that no one will take notice of me, and so they don't. i'm not going to get any where in life if i keep this mindset. i will never change it, and i know my lack of self esteem just feeds this feeling, but what can i do? i hate being this way.
today i saw a whitworthian at borders. he was working at the seattle's best coffee shop that's in the borders at redmond town center. it was very weird. i wasn't getting coffee or anything, so i didn't talk to him. it's very odd seeing people from school over on this side of the state. he was in my sociology class, which makes it even more weird. he's the second person from whitworth that i've seen over here. i saw another guy a couple weeks ago while i was driving...also from my sociology class. that's odd. what a coincidence.
i really hate staying up late like this, but i just can't fall asleep. it's really bad when i actually have to wake up for something the next day (like i do tomorrow) because then i go to bed really late, but have to wake up early. i really need to get out of this habit. it's really not healthy. i'm going to end it right...now.
Friday, June 6, 2008
crisis: averted. finding a job: check.
i feel like i have been home for an eternity. that's probably because i've grown incredibly bored with nothing to do. i've even resorted to loading the sims onto my computer again. i'm that bored. but it really is the greatest game to ever come to humankind. i absolutely love it. i really should get the sims 2...the original just seems so lame now. it's amazing how quickly technology develops. i was just thinking about this earlier actually, while i was watching rob & big of all things. big was getting one of his cars converted to run on vegetable oil. it made me realize how advanced all of our technology is getting. to be able to run a car on used oil that would have been thrown away is amazing. it was probably pretty expensive, as he had to get a diesel engine, but how think of how much money he'll save without needing to buy gas! i just can't wait until the day when all cars are electric. and look at the cell phone and how much it has evolved in such a short time. i can imagine the huge brick of a phone my mother once had, and now i see the iphone, which is just incredible. a computer, a phone, and a camera all in one small device. you'd think that people would be doing much better things with this technology than doing things like making nuclear weapons. and i really think that more government money should be given to medical research. imagine if we found a cure for aids. we could save so many lives. wow...i have no idea how i got into this political talk. i don't like it.
so, guess what! i got a job. finally! macys called me back last week and set up an interview time which was wednesday at 2. i was hecka nervous because i had no idea what to expect. it ended up being a group interview. it was me...and four other guys. talk about intense! but it was great because the people interviewing were pretty laid back and didn't make me feel too nervous. i mean, don't get me wrong, my hands were still shaking a little in my lap, but the interviewers weren't super serious or intimidating. they had us go around and introduce ourselves, then asked us questions that we answered one by one. i felt pretty good, though, because a couple of the other guys weren't really dressed up, and i was. then, they left for a few minutes to talk about us and were then going to take us out to talk to us one by one. i was fourth to be pulled out, and let me tell you, it was crazy stressful waiting in that room as she came and called us one by one. so many things were running through my mind...."i shouldn't have said that," "i wish i hadn't done that"...etc. i ended up talking to the last guy that was in there with me before it was my turn. he went to redmond high, so we talked about that and our first years of college and such. it was nice because i totally forgot about how stressed i was...until she came in the room and called my name. i thought to myself "oh crap. already?". she took me into this tiny room with a sofa and a chair. immediately the guy starts talking about how they start at $10.50 and hour plus commission, blah, blah, blah. i was thinking to myself..."does this mean he's hiring me?". i was a little confused, haha. but then he continued on to say that they have two open positions, but neither of them were temporary. so they asked me how serious i was about wanting to transfer to another store in the fall, so i said i was very serious. then the guy's like, "oh great. we really like you, and think you'd be great at macy's, but we can only offer you a position if it is permanent." i was so happy and said thank you and all that jazz. they didn't have any more questions for me, so then they offered me the position, and i took it! i go back on wednesday to meet with the hr lady and fill out 'new hire' paperwork and get more information about what i'm actually going to do. everyone keeps asking me what department i'm going to be working in...and i have no idea. i don't really care. as long as i have a job, it doesn't matter what part of the store i'm working in. oh, and since the redmond store is a pilot store or something, i get to choose when i want to work and how much. the only requirement is that i work at least one day a week and on all of the one-day sale days. it's basically the best deal ever. so. crisis: averted. finding a job: check.
i just got a headache. it's one pulsing pain on the top of my head, near the back. i rarely get headaches. i also rarely remember my dreams, but i've been having some really bad ones lately. this morning i kept waking up and going back to sleep and i would have these short mini dreams in between awakenings. one of them was extremely disturbing. like, i don't even want to write it down because it creeped me out so much. basically, it shakes down to the fact that in my dream, i killed someone with a wrench...well, actually, i didn't actually witness myself doing it in the dream, but i saw everything right up to it and right after it. you know how dreams are....they jump around like a movie sometimes. i woke up again after that dream and just felt so horrible, and quite scared. i mean, it wasn't one of those dreams where you think it actually happened. that would really suck to think that i had killed someone, but i was just very scared by it. i don't really know what to make of it. it anyone interprets dreams, please let me know what in the world that one means. i'm at a complete loss.
i've grown a little lonely lately. maybe i'm alone because i have dreams about killing people. but no, really. i love all of my friends to death, and they're all wonderful, amazing friends. i have all girl friends from high school, and i guess i'm just kind of sick of being around women all the time. it's not even that i really want a boyfriend or anything [though i wouldn't object to one], it would just be nice to have some guy friends to hang out with too. i've also decided that i need to make some emo friends...people to go to shows with, people who like the same kind of music that i like. it sucks having concerts i want to go to and no one to go with. a lot.
so, guess what! i got a job. finally! macys called me back last week and set up an interview time which was wednesday at 2. i was hecka nervous because i had no idea what to expect. it ended up being a group interview. it was me...and four other guys. talk about intense! but it was great because the people interviewing were pretty laid back and didn't make me feel too nervous. i mean, don't get me wrong, my hands were still shaking a little in my lap, but the interviewers weren't super serious or intimidating. they had us go around and introduce ourselves, then asked us questions that we answered one by one. i felt pretty good, though, because a couple of the other guys weren't really dressed up, and i was. then, they left for a few minutes to talk about us and were then going to take us out to talk to us one by one. i was fourth to be pulled out, and let me tell you, it was crazy stressful waiting in that room as she came and called us one by one. so many things were running through my mind...."i shouldn't have said that," "i wish i hadn't done that"...etc. i ended up talking to the last guy that was in there with me before it was my turn. he went to redmond high, so we talked about that and our first years of college and such. it was nice because i totally forgot about how stressed i was...until she came in the room and called my name. i thought to myself "oh crap. already?". she took me into this tiny room with a sofa and a chair. immediately the guy starts talking about how they start at $10.50 and hour plus commission, blah, blah, blah. i was thinking to myself..."does this mean he's hiring me?". i was a little confused, haha. but then he continued on to say that they have two open positions, but neither of them were temporary. so they asked me how serious i was about wanting to transfer to another store in the fall, so i said i was very serious. then the guy's like, "oh great. we really like you, and think you'd be great at macy's, but we can only offer you a position if it is permanent." i was so happy and said thank you and all that jazz. they didn't have any more questions for me, so then they offered me the position, and i took it! i go back on wednesday to meet with the hr lady and fill out 'new hire' paperwork and get more information about what i'm actually going to do. everyone keeps asking me what department i'm going to be working in...and i have no idea. i don't really care. as long as i have a job, it doesn't matter what part of the store i'm working in. oh, and since the redmond store is a pilot store or something, i get to choose when i want to work and how much. the only requirement is that i work at least one day a week and on all of the one-day sale days. it's basically the best deal ever. so. crisis: averted. finding a job: check.
i just got a headache. it's one pulsing pain on the top of my head, near the back. i rarely get headaches. i also rarely remember my dreams, but i've been having some really bad ones lately. this morning i kept waking up and going back to sleep and i would have these short mini dreams in between awakenings. one of them was extremely disturbing. like, i don't even want to write it down because it creeped me out so much. basically, it shakes down to the fact that in my dream, i killed someone with a wrench...well, actually, i didn't actually witness myself doing it in the dream, but i saw everything right up to it and right after it. you know how dreams are....they jump around like a movie sometimes. i woke up again after that dream and just felt so horrible, and quite scared. i mean, it wasn't one of those dreams where you think it actually happened. that would really suck to think that i had killed someone, but i was just very scared by it. i don't really know what to make of it. it anyone interprets dreams, please let me know what in the world that one means. i'm at a complete loss.
i've grown a little lonely lately. maybe i'm alone because i have dreams about killing people. but no, really. i love all of my friends to death, and they're all wonderful, amazing friends. i have all girl friends from high school, and i guess i'm just kind of sick of being around women all the time. it's not even that i really want a boyfriend or anything [though i wouldn't object to one], it would just be nice to have some guy friends to hang out with too. i've also decided that i need to make some emo friends...people to go to shows with, people who like the same kind of music that i like. it sucks having concerts i want to go to and no one to go with. a lot.
Friday, May 30, 2008
leaving without a parting word.
well, golly, it's been a long time. i'm finally home now. finals went well for the most part, and i'm kind of in awe of the grades that i managed to pull off this semester. it was a very hard semester for me, not just because of the classes that i was taking, but because of everything i was dealing with and going through. i managed to scrape together a B in old testament, which was a miracle of god. and my professor was nice enough to round my 82.3% up to an 83 in order to have a B instead of a B-. what a nice guy. i actually pulled off a B+ in philosophy of religion, and i'm very proud of that. it was a 300 level philosophy class, and my first one at that. the subject was so difficult for me, and it definitely stretched my mind, but also helped me think about why i believe what i believe. in my math class i got 74/76 on the final [what a joke] and my final grade in the class was 99%. psh. you know how i do. i don't care enough about the rest of my classes to even mention them.
packing up my room was awesome. i really enjoyed the last week of school. it was nice to take an hour here and there out of studying to work on packing up my stuff. it's kind of ironic because i like to orgnize and clean when i'm sad, angry, or stressed out. it helps clear my head. the packing became that for me during finals week. i was happy to leave that room. it held a lot of memories that i want to forget. it was full of lonely days, sleepless nights, and tear-stained pillows. it became a constant reminder of my friendless-ness. i was more than happy to leave without a parting word.
i've already been to two shows since i've been home. i went to see my favies holyfield and moneta at the showbox the friday after i got back. it was soo great to finally see them again. especially considering how pissed i was after missing both of their concerts when they came to spokane during the last semester. both of their shows were so good and their followings in seattle have really grown in the last year. then i went to see bank when they were playing at seattle university a couple days ago. it was cool because there were about ten-fifteen other people there. it was pretty cool, and i hadn't seen them in about two years, so that was fun. i don't think i have any more on the calendar until june 20th when i'm taking my sister to finally see barcelona.
it's very weird being home. i mean, don't get me wrong, it's really nice to finally be home again. this whole job search is really stressing me out. most places are not hiring temporary workers, so it's hard to find any place that will hire me. even target isn't accepting summer workers, and that was my fall back! i'm sure i'll eventually find something, but my parents keep nagging me about it. it's not like i'm not trying! ugh. i don't want to think about it. it's really just stressing me out and almost making me wish i was just back at school. wow. i never thought i would say that!
packing up my room was awesome. i really enjoyed the last week of school. it was nice to take an hour here and there out of studying to work on packing up my stuff. it's kind of ironic because i like to orgnize and clean when i'm sad, angry, or stressed out. it helps clear my head. the packing became that for me during finals week. i was happy to leave that room. it held a lot of memories that i want to forget. it was full of lonely days, sleepless nights, and tear-stained pillows. it became a constant reminder of my friendless-ness. i was more than happy to leave without a parting word.
i've already been to two shows since i've been home. i went to see my favies holyfield and moneta at the showbox the friday after i got back. it was soo great to finally see them again. especially considering how pissed i was after missing both of their concerts when they came to spokane during the last semester. both of their shows were so good and their followings in seattle have really grown in the last year. then i went to see bank when they were playing at seattle university a couple days ago. it was cool because there were about ten-fifteen other people there. it was pretty cool, and i hadn't seen them in about two years, so that was fun. i don't think i have any more on the calendar until june 20th when i'm taking my sister to finally see barcelona.
it's very weird being home. i mean, don't get me wrong, it's really nice to finally be home again. this whole job search is really stressing me out. most places are not hiring temporary workers, so it's hard to find any place that will hire me. even target isn't accepting summer workers, and that was my fall back! i'm sure i'll eventually find something, but my parents keep nagging me about it. it's not like i'm not trying! ugh. i don't want to think about it. it's really just stressing me out and almost making me wish i was just back at school. wow. i never thought i would say that!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
a thousand things
i have about a thousand other things i should be doing right now instead of writing this. most importantly i have a paper due in old testament on monday that i haven't started. i have been in the coffee shop trying to write it for the past two and a half hours and this is all i have: Reading and understanding the Old Testament is necessary for Christian faith because. i think one reason i haven't really started yet is because i don't know which prompt to write from. i was given four choices, and none of them are easy, or really seem do-able right now. plus, i've realized that it is practically physically impossible for me to force myself to write a paper before the day it is due. if i could at least get started, that would be good. i have a thousand things running through my head...how am i going to finish my paper? how am i going to finish my project? how am i going to not get a C+ in old testament? how will i have enough time to study for philosophy? are my final grades going to be good enough to get the better grades? how am i going to talk about a microsoft access database for ten minutes? how am i going to find time to get it all done? when am i going to pack? what am i going to do about a summer job? i just can't focus.
in exactly one week from today, i will be at home sweet home, unpacking my things and holding my kitten. i will be eating a home cooked meal. i will be able to play my music as loud as i want. i will be able to watch cable tv. i will be able to sit on a leather sofa. i will be able to play my piano. i can't wait to go home. when i think back, this year has gone by very quickly, but not with a lack of struggles. this year has been the hardest of my entire life. i've gone through changes, and i've matured more than i had thought. lots of things change. i've learned to deal with problems without blowing up, though there were a substantial amount of tears that no one saw but me. i never got used the loneliness, and hopefully next year will be different. hopefully i will make some more friends, and not have to eat all my meals alone. oh, and so much for the "ring by spring" concept. i really don't see myself meeting my future husband here. i can't see myself with anyone i have met. though, i guess you never know what the new freshmen will be like ;]
i still have mixed feelings about whitworth. i thought it was the perfect fit for me when i chose to come here. i'm still not so sure. earlier this semester i had considered transferring. i just hope that i won't regret my decision not to. though, i am going to new york and DC for jan term, which i am so excited for. and living in a different dorm may offer a completely different experience - ideally, a better experience.
i am just going to try to smile through this week. it will probably be my most stressful week of the entire year, but smilers? they never lose, and frowners? they never win.
in exactly one week from today, i will be at home sweet home, unpacking my things and holding my kitten. i will be eating a home cooked meal. i will be able to play my music as loud as i want. i will be able to watch cable tv. i will be able to sit on a leather sofa. i will be able to play my piano. i can't wait to go home. when i think back, this year has gone by very quickly, but not with a lack of struggles. this year has been the hardest of my entire life. i've gone through changes, and i've matured more than i had thought. lots of things change. i've learned to deal with problems without blowing up, though there were a substantial amount of tears that no one saw but me. i never got used the loneliness, and hopefully next year will be different. hopefully i will make some more friends, and not have to eat all my meals alone. oh, and so much for the "ring by spring" concept. i really don't see myself meeting my future husband here. i can't see myself with anyone i have met. though, i guess you never know what the new freshmen will be like ;]
i still have mixed feelings about whitworth. i thought it was the perfect fit for me when i chose to come here. i'm still not so sure. earlier this semester i had considered transferring. i just hope that i won't regret my decision not to. though, i am going to new york and DC for jan term, which i am so excited for. and living in a different dorm may offer a completely different experience - ideally, a better experience.
i am just going to try to smile through this week. it will probably be my most stressful week of the entire year, but smilers? they never lose, and frowners? they never win.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
wanting nothing more than to disappear
the lonely days drag on as if they'll never end. they haunt me ceaselessly. the cafeteria has become a place of utter distaste. not because of the food, mind you, but because it is where my solitary confinement truly reveals itself. the last time i shared a meal with someone was thursday. it is now tuesday. if you remove breakfast from the equation (because i almost always eat in my room), then that is ten meals in a row that i've eaten alone. in the large cafeteria full of people, full of friends, i sit alone, picking miserably at my made-in-bulk, god-only-knows-what-i'm-eating meal. i try to go at times when the masses aren't there. i eat late lunches at 1 and late dinners at 7. though, this doesn't make it any less lonely and unbearable. i scarf my food down, wanting nothing more than to disappear and reappear in my room. i hate this.
i don't know what to do to change the situation. i'm tired of seeming desperate, asking my one friend to go to meals with me every single day, and then being shot down. i guess i'll just try harder to make more friends next year (even though i tried freaking hard this year) and hopefully not have to deal with this any more.
moneta comes here on thursday. i want to go, but i don't have anyone to go with. i really miss those guys, so i need to find someone to accompany me. hopefully, i will get lucky this time...unlike when holyfield came and i was left with no one. but honestly, if i can't find someone to simply eat lunch with me, lord knows i'll never be able to find someone to go to a concert with me.
i've been listening to love at the core, run kid run's new album. it is really great, and i completely recommend it. it sounds pretty similar to their last album, but the songs are different enough. i've been turning to music the last few weeks to get away from everything...to escape into my own little world. it helps numb me a little.
i still have two tests, two papers, one project, one presentation, and four finals to get through. i'm starting to stress out about everything that needs to get done...mostly because i'm on the borderline of a grade in almost every single class, so if i want to get the higher grades, i'm going to have to study really hard and write amazing papers. i'm just trying to take it a day at at time and not freak out too much. i'll probably really be freaking out this weekend when i start studying more and realize how much i don't know. because, FINALS stands for: Frick I Never Actually Learned This Stuff. didn't you know?
11 days till home. they posted the check-out list on my door today. it's actually happening soon! i can't wait to move out!
i don't know what to do to change the situation. i'm tired of seeming desperate, asking my one friend to go to meals with me every single day, and then being shot down. i guess i'll just try harder to make more friends next year (even though i tried freaking hard this year) and hopefully not have to deal with this any more.
moneta comes here on thursday. i want to go, but i don't have anyone to go with. i really miss those guys, so i need to find someone to accompany me. hopefully, i will get lucky this time...unlike when holyfield came and i was left with no one. but honestly, if i can't find someone to simply eat lunch with me, lord knows i'll never be able to find someone to go to a concert with me.
i've been listening to love at the core, run kid run's new album. it is really great, and i completely recommend it. it sounds pretty similar to their last album, but the songs are different enough. i've been turning to music the last few weeks to get away from everything...to escape into my own little world. it helps numb me a little.
i still have two tests, two papers, one project, one presentation, and four finals to get through. i'm starting to stress out about everything that needs to get done...mostly because i'm on the borderline of a grade in almost every single class, so if i want to get the higher grades, i'm going to have to study really hard and write amazing papers. i'm just trying to take it a day at at time and not freak out too much. i'll probably really be freaking out this weekend when i start studying more and realize how much i don't know. because, FINALS stands for: Frick I Never Actually Learned This Stuff. didn't you know?
11 days till home. they posted the check-out list on my door today. it's actually happening soon! i can't wait to move out!
Friday, May 2, 2008
overall, it was just really awkward.
last night i thought of all of these things to write about, but was too tired. now i forgot everything interesting that i had planned on writing. so now you get to read about nothing important.
my thumbs been hurting a lot lately. it's been really sore the last few days, and i can't figure out why. the muscles and tendons just don't feel very happy with me right now. this kind of makes me worry about how bad it's going to be in a few years from now, or when i'm fifty. it scares me that it may just get worse until when i'm really old, i won't even be able to use it. it just sucks. hopefully it will feel better tomorrow...though that's what i said a few days ago.
i went riding yesterday. i rode this horse named jack, who's apparently won everything there is to win in the appaloosa world. if you ask me, he wasn't that amazing. plus he threw a fit the entire time i was riding him, and tried to run me into the wall while i was tacking up. he was a brat. he was also really big, about 16.2...which was weird for me. i'm used to riding little 15 hand arabians. he was built like a tank. his trot was absolutely huge and he covered a ton of ground with each step. it was hard to get used to, compared to what i've been riding for the last few years. i honestly just wish i could ride a normal horse. the horse i rode the first few times, dj, was relatively normal, and she was really sweet. then i rode a spazzy arab named sonny, who didn't really know how to trot in a forward motion or stop. then i rode a tennessee walker named tiffany, who tried really, really hard to buck me off and then laid down and tried to roll over on me. now i'm riding a crazy appaloosa (without spots) who randomly turns on his haunches, tries to buck, and refuses to settle down. seriously, can i just ride a normal horse for once? oh, and i have wonderful blisters on my ring fingers from pulling on the reins so hard, and my shoulders are sore from pulling so hard.
so new heights came to play a lunch time show at whitworth yesterday. it was really sad...me and emilie were the only people actually listening. then when a new class period started, we were two of about five people still there (i, of course, skipped class, haha). we hung out in there for a few minutes after they were done playing, and then got up to leave. as we were walking out, their guitar player offered us some skittles, so we said sure. then the lead singer introduced himself to us, so we told him our names and such. he thanked us for coming out to the show. then he was like "did one of you leave us a comment on myspace?" and i was like, "uh...yea, i think that was me" and they're all like "oh, ya! i remember you now, maddie!" "i remember too!" "ya, me too" "awesome!". it was kinda awkward. then i told them that i had skipped class to come, and then they offered me more skittles, but i was wearing these glove things, so i couldn't really grab them. it was awkward. then they thanked us again for coming out, and said they wished they could hang out more but they had to leave. they said they hoped to see us at a show this summer in seattle, and i said "ya, for sure." overall, it was just really awkward. and i felt really bad for them because they drove five hours to play for pretty much two people, haha. well, at least i enjoyed it. and hopefully they'll be having some seattle shows that i can go to this summer.
it's a wonderfully sunny day today, and i love it like nobody's business. it's not too warm - low 60's, but it's still nice, and i don't need a jacket. pretty much the entire student body is outside. the lawns are littered with blankets and bodies soaking in the warm rays. it's fantastic.
i forgot to water one of my plants for two or three days...i watered it today, but it may beyond saving. hopefully i will be able to resurrect it.
i'm currently obsessed with the following song...
Go On, by Holyfield:
I wanted to remember how i came to you, Lord
I'll sing about your honesty to grow in you more
the times that you have captured me, you never left me
and the times that i have said goodbye, you held me closer to you
Go on and chase him, you're nothing without him.
Go on and chase him, you're nothing without him.
Don't give in, live your life.
obviously, most of that is repeated, but it's basically the most amazing song. i could listen to it all day.
sooo, 14 days. ahh! i can't believe that i will be going home in two weeks. it's so surreal. oh man, and moneta is coming in 6 days...sooooo pumped for that!
my thumbs been hurting a lot lately. it's been really sore the last few days, and i can't figure out why. the muscles and tendons just don't feel very happy with me right now. this kind of makes me worry about how bad it's going to be in a few years from now, or when i'm fifty. it scares me that it may just get worse until when i'm really old, i won't even be able to use it. it just sucks. hopefully it will feel better tomorrow...though that's what i said a few days ago.
i went riding yesterday. i rode this horse named jack, who's apparently won everything there is to win in the appaloosa world. if you ask me, he wasn't that amazing. plus he threw a fit the entire time i was riding him, and tried to run me into the wall while i was tacking up. he was a brat. he was also really big, about 16.2...which was weird for me. i'm used to riding little 15 hand arabians. he was built like a tank. his trot was absolutely huge and he covered a ton of ground with each step. it was hard to get used to, compared to what i've been riding for the last few years. i honestly just wish i could ride a normal horse. the horse i rode the first few times, dj, was relatively normal, and she was really sweet. then i rode a spazzy arab named sonny, who didn't really know how to trot in a forward motion or stop. then i rode a tennessee walker named tiffany, who tried really, really hard to buck me off and then laid down and tried to roll over on me. now i'm riding a crazy appaloosa (without spots) who randomly turns on his haunches, tries to buck, and refuses to settle down. seriously, can i just ride a normal horse for once? oh, and i have wonderful blisters on my ring fingers from pulling on the reins so hard, and my shoulders are sore from pulling so hard.
so new heights came to play a lunch time show at whitworth yesterday. it was really sad...me and emilie were the only people actually listening. then when a new class period started, we were two of about five people still there (i, of course, skipped class, haha). we hung out in there for a few minutes after they were done playing, and then got up to leave. as we were walking out, their guitar player offered us some skittles, so we said sure. then the lead singer introduced himself to us, so we told him our names and such. he thanked us for coming out to the show. then he was like "did one of you leave us a comment on myspace?" and i was like, "uh...yea, i think that was me" and they're all like "oh, ya! i remember you now, maddie!" "i remember too!" "ya, me too" "awesome!". it was kinda awkward. then i told them that i had skipped class to come, and then they offered me more skittles, but i was wearing these glove things, so i couldn't really grab them. it was awkward. then they thanked us again for coming out, and said they wished they could hang out more but they had to leave. they said they hoped to see us at a show this summer in seattle, and i said "ya, for sure." overall, it was just really awkward. and i felt really bad for them because they drove five hours to play for pretty much two people, haha. well, at least i enjoyed it. and hopefully they'll be having some seattle shows that i can go to this summer.
it's a wonderfully sunny day today, and i love it like nobody's business. it's not too warm - low 60's, but it's still nice, and i don't need a jacket. pretty much the entire student body is outside. the lawns are littered with blankets and bodies soaking in the warm rays. it's fantastic.
i forgot to water one of my plants for two or three days...i watered it today, but it may beyond saving. hopefully i will be able to resurrect it.
i'm currently obsessed with the following song...
Go On, by Holyfield:
I wanted to remember how i came to you, Lord
I'll sing about your honesty to grow in you more
the times that you have captured me, you never left me
and the times that i have said goodbye, you held me closer to you
Go on and chase him, you're nothing without him.
Go on and chase him, you're nothing without him.
Don't give in, live your life.
obviously, most of that is repeated, but it's basically the most amazing song. i could listen to it all day.
sooo, 14 days. ahh! i can't believe that i will be going home in two weeks. it's so surreal. oh man, and moneta is coming in 6 days...sooooo pumped for that!
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