the first time that i saw an 'emo' band

it's been a while, dear blog, since i have written in you. finals are over...thank god. i'm gonna lie, that semester was not horrible at all. i am so happy to be done with my painting class, even though it totally effed up my hand even more. in the last week of school, we had been assigned so much work (and...i kind...procrastinated just a tiny bit) that i ended up doing four hours of painting every day for three days straight. my thumb was already not doing so well after my surgery, but it was crazy sore for the few days after i did all that painting (right when i had to do three long, written finals). i thought the soreness would go away after giving it a few days of rest with minimal writing and other usage...only the soreness has not gone away at all, and it's still doing that popping thing it's been doing for a while now. it got to the point where after i was finished painting one day, i put my brush down and i literally could not move my thumb from the position it had been in. i just wish it would be all better and normal again...but i guess it's never going to be completely normal again after having seven screws and a plate screwed into my bone. the doctor told me the only thing they worried about with this kind of surgery was soreness and stiffness, which is exactly my problem. oh well, i go back to the doctor on thursday for a check up, although it's not like he can do anything else besides send me to get more physical therapy which i really don't want to have to do.

i'm finally home after all of this time and i don't have to go back until january 6th. yes. the last few weeks at school were really hard for me. i have seriously considered transferring to a school closer to home...not necessarily to be closer to home, i just really miss the seattle area. it's so nice and i just love everything about it. spokane is just...well...icky. there's creepers every where and there isn't really much to do unless you have a car. i dunno, i guess i've just been feeling really discouraged there, partially because i really don't have that many friends, which is partially my fault. i hate having to be the one to always initiate things. i just wish that for once someone would call me to hang out, or come to visit me, instead of the other way around. it wouldn't be any easier transferring to another school, just to have to start over completely. plus, of the schools that i would consider going to, none of them have to major that i want, which totally sucks. also, whitworth is just an amazing school, i really do love it. honestly, if whitworth was in seattle, it would be the absolute best possible situation. it's hard being away from friends that care about me, and that i really care about...i have really been missing just hanging out with my friends.

college has just...well...surprised me i guess you could say. things have not really turned out the way i thought they would. but then again, does anything ever turn out the way you think it will (or want it to, for that matter)? so, naturally, i have turned to two things: god and music. i must say that the whole 'not having friends' thing has really drawn me closer to god. when i have no one to talk to or hang out with, i talk to him. when i'm sitting alone in my room, i worship. when i'm having a really bad day, i put moneta on my ipod at full volume and pray, and sometimes cry. music has really rescued me. if i lay on my bed with my ipod on max volume, i can literally drown out everything. i can even drown out the sad thought that i'm thinking, the noisy sounds in the hall, the sirens going off somewhere downtown, and the words that i repeat in my head over and over. music has been such an outlet for me and i don't know where i'd be without it.

i've had people ask me things like 'so why did you turn emo?' and the more i think about it, the more i realize that it has been an ongoing transformation the last couple years. i think part of the reason is that i wanted to be part of something. i feel like for my whole life, i've just wandered around aimlessly, trying to find where i fit into this huge mess of a world. i remember the very first time that i saw an 'emo' band. at first i was kinda turned off, but then i started to feed off all the concerts i was going to. now, i have lost count of the shows i've gone to. and no, i did not do this to fit in at shows, that would be dumb, and i really don't care what anyone thinks about me (i'd be more embarrassed to have my mom there like some kids, then to walk in not wearing skinny jeans). i think it was just a mental transformation that followed with a slight and gradual change in clothing and hair style. and let me just say, that being 'emo' does not mean that i am depressed or cut myself...it is a music style that has also become a clothing style. and if you think emo = cutting, then you are ignorant and stereotypical.

speaking of the first time i saw an 'emo' band, i get to see that band (holyfield...formerly tysen) on saturday, and also moneta...literally two of my favorite bands. i cannot wait. also, truce is playing, and they are just comical haha. plus, amber pacific is headlining. i never got super into them, but they're really good and i've heard they put on an awesome live show. mike just brought me tickets today which was cool. i just love going to see local bands. they're THAT cool that they will drive to your house (which is most likely not very close to where they live) just to bring you tickets. local bands really care about and appreciate their fans. i think that's one thing i don't like about a lot of mainstream bands - that they forget about their fans. and i realize that really popular bands can't really hang at their merch table after their show, but i just hate how commercialized they get. every band gets to where they are because of their fans, and i feel that most local bands appreciate and value each and every fan they have, which is the way it should be.

it feels so good to be home now. christmas is my favorite time of year (despite the rushing around to get last minute presents). and let me tell you, i am very happy to be away from the spokane cold and snow. when i landed at sea-tac i rejoiced a little at the fact that everything wasn't white! don't get me wrong, i do enjoy a little snow here and there, and it's really pretty...but i hate having to put on like twenty layers just to walk to class or to get lunch. it gets extremely annoying. i was looking forward to being able to go running with bubba while i am home, but it's been raining every day since i've been back, and i absolutely hate running in the rain.

i am very proud of you if you made it all the way to the end of this blog...i just realized that it is ridiculously long. oh well. no one reads these things anyway, right?

nine hours worth of painting

i regret to say that there is not much to report today. i didn't get everything done that i wanted to get done today, but that is the story of my life. really though, the only thing i've been putting off like no other is my painting assignment. i have to do a full figure, life size self portrait, which is going to be three 22 X 30 canvases put together, which is basically ridiculous. not only do i not want to do it, but i really don't see a point. what does my professor expect me to do with a life size self portrait? i'm not going to hang it in my house...that would be insane and a little weird. i really have no motivation to do it, but it's due tuesday and i haven't even started...oops. one painting of 22 x 30 usually takes about three hours, and that is to do a mediocre job. so, i basically have about nine hours worth of painting to do that i some how have to fit into this weekend along with studying for three major finals. not a good plan on my part, let's just say.

i can't wait to go back to seattle and get away from this place for a while. thanksgiving break was not nearly long enough...i just felt like i was getting teased, which was really annoying. at least my mother sent me a package full of good food for during finals week with some of my favorite cookies, homemade fudge, and all sorts of snacky goodness. i must say that studying for finals sucks...especially when they don't stop giving you assignments! other schools have dead week so they don't have classes for the few days leading up to finals but i have class up until the day finals start, it is insane. i still have an essay to write that is due monday, thankfully i have already started. i think i may just try to devote tomorrow to painting and try to get half way done...we will see how that turns out, haha. i will probably end up staying up all hours of the night on monday to finish them...even though i definitely have one of my hardest finals that day. ugh.

i'm really tired today. actually, i'm just really tired in general. i kind of feel just down all the time, but not necessarily in the 'sad' sense, just not my bubbly self that i used to be. ah well. honestly, i think that the concert on the 22nd will make me a much happier person. even though i saw barcelona on december 1st, it's a totally different experience when you go see a rock band and are standing in the middle of a crowd that is so into the music and the band just feeds off the crowd's energy. it's the most amazing thing, and i miss it terribly.

i'm considering getting a piercing. i haven't really consulted anyone yet on their feelings or thoughts. this isn't just an impulse thing...i've been considering it since about august, but i just haven't voiced it at all. i've done quite a bit of research, but i just don't know...i think i will try to ask my sister, who will probably be all for it. but then there's the mother issue, which i know she would most definitely not be all for it. and though i don't need her approval since i am 18, i don't really want to do something if she isn't going to support me in it. and now you are all wondering what piercing i'm talking about, right? well...you'll just have to keep guessing, but don't worry it's not anything bad. :]

why can't we all just get along?

well, things are going alright here on the lovely whitworth university campus. laundry is currently in the dryer, spinning round and round. i feel like my life is in slow motion. it's as if i'm sitting in an old recliner just watching my life go by in the form of a movie on an old black and white screen. only this is the kind of movie where you want to scream at the character "don't do that!" because you can see what consequences will come of it. what has happened is not my fault, and i will not take credit for it, or blame myself. i don't regret anything i have said or done. i said it all for good reason.

forgive and forget is a hard phrase, and it makes me sad that some people can't do it. i am the kind of person that forgives without a second thought. jesus told all christians to forgive those who sin against them, so i do. but let it be known, that i never forget. all the hurtful things that were said to me by anyone will remain in the back of my mind forever, but i do not harbor bad thoughts. i hate confrontation, and i hate to see my friends sad, but i cannot do anything about it.

love is a weird thing. you know what the bible says about love? 1 corinthians 13:4 says "love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." i wish this is the ideal that everyone lived by. i use my parents as an example. they have been married for oh geez...uh 29 years maybe? i don't even remember. and yes, they have had problems, but their love is true. i can see the love god describes in my mom, even though my dad, who is not christian, does not necessarily love according to this verse. they have true love that has lasted. it makes me sad that in our culture, this word 'love' has become something almost meaningless. do people even realize what it really means to love someone, especially according to god's interpretation...well it's not an interpretation, considering he made love, well actually, god IS love. it makes me sad to see little thirteen year old girls saying they have fallen in love, but no one at the age of thirteen can even fathom what love actually means.

i just wish everyone tried to be like jesus. it would make life so much easier, and we could all just get along. why can't we all just get along? why does it have to be so difficult for people to apologize. is it really that hard to admit one's mistake? 'i'm sorry' are very heavy words, that can mean a lot, and it's only two words. probably some of the most powerful words we can say.

ah well. what do i know? and what can i do to change people? nothing. i really can't do anything. home is calling my name now more than ever. i wish i had my tullamook here to comfort me...i could really use a puppy hug right about now. only 6 more days left until i leave this place for more than three weeks. ah! and only 15 days till i get to see two of my favorite bands ever. and it will be #5 for both of them, wow...that just dawned on me. that's pretty amazing. thinking about this definitely brightens my day.

i have three finals that i should be studying for right now. this darn internet keeps tearing me away from my studies. geez.

it just brings a smile to my face.

oh gosh. it is wednesday, december 5th, and i have a 9:40 am flight home on december 13th. only 8 days. too bad i have an unbelievable amount of stuff to do before then. ugh. it doesn't help that the drama has increased dramatically (no pun intended) in the last couple days, which simply adds to my stress. it makes me really mad that i wanted to come to college to get away from the immaturity and drama, and there has been about five times as much drama in the last few months than i had to deal with all throughout high school. crazy, right? i wish i was lying. oh well, at this point, there is literally nothing more i can do. the ball is in everyone else's court, and i have done all i can do, and i have said my piece and laid everything out on the table...no holding back. nothing i do or say now can change the situation, so i just have to sit back and deal with it. luckily in 8 days i won't have to deal with it for more than three weeks! yesss.

so, guess what? on december 22, i get to see moneta and holyfield and the showbox! i am so ridiculously excited right now. it's been almost four months since i have been to show of one of my favorite seattle bands. it will be so good for me...something to help me get through the crap i'm having to deal with. and it's at the showbox, my favorite venue, or what i like to call my 'concert home'. i can't even count the number of shows i have been to there.

i can't believe the semester is almost over. on the one hand, i feel like i've barely been here at all, but on the other hand it has felt like an eternity. plus, there has been so much crap going on, and there were people in my life (that are no longer in it) that did not treat me well, which made things really hard. at least now i know that i won't have to be subjected to that person's negative comments about me all the time, which is a relief.

i'm so excited for christmas. i really just can't wait to go home and be with my family. the holiday season is my favorite time of year. i love seeing wonderful decorations every where i go...it just brings a smile to my face. though, i am not looking forward to going christmas shopping during the crazy time, when people start to get a little rabid and fight to the death for a parking space or a spot in line at the department store. i think it is sad that some people get so caught up in the holiday that they forget that the season is about giving, not about cutting in line, or getting the last shirt on the rack. i always try to just have a good attitude around christmas...considering it is supposed to be a celebration.

well only a few days left. i only have to go to my painting class two more times! yes! i only have one more core lecture, two more pilates classes (which i am very sad about...i absolutely love it), two more gospel of john classes, and then of course i have finals, which i only have three tests...the rest of my classes just have other assignments, like my painting class. i have quite a bit of work to do, which i'm actually kind of ahead on, but i should still try and get something done before dinner. spread the cheer!

it's christmas time, which just makes everything jolly.

i regret that i have been neglecting this blog. to the point that if it were a dog, it would be extremely emaciated by now. that's not morbid at all, huh?

the snow has finally come, along with the cold weather. yesterday is was 19 degrees and we had about four inches of snow. right now it is about 25 and snowing. i must say that i am getting accustomed to this absolutely freezing weather. it's not as unbearable as i thought it would be (though wait until it's below zero, and my feelings will probably change). the white snow on the dark evergreen trees is one of the most beautiful things. it's as if a while blanket is covering the ground. god is so amazing to have created such a place.

finals are looming. it's a scary thought. all of my midterms were spread out over a period of about two weeks, and my finals are going to take place within two days. i don't really know how i'm going to handle that. but...i get to go home in 14 days from today. yes. that's all i have to say.

there are so many fun things i am going to do while i am home. like going to see moneta and holyfield on december 22nd. i don't know who i am going with, but i am going, i don't even care. and i hoping that i will be able to ride with my friend rachel (who i used to teach lessons with) when i am home too. and of course, it is christmas time, which just makes everything jolly.

i have so much to get done before i get home, which has kinda been stressing me out, but i'm starting to feel a little bit better. i'm just trying to take one day at a time and plan ahead so i'm not left with a huge pile of work during finals week.

back to work, kiddies.

soapbox on dating and relationships

things are not going well right now. there is a ridiculous amount of crap that has been occurring lately, and i can't get away from it. some how the drama just seems to be following me. i'm really annoyed because college is a time for people to grow up and learn how to deal with issues like adults. honestly, there is about five times the amount of drama here as i had to deal with back home, which pisses me off. people are turning out to not be the people i thought they were. i'm finding things out about people that i did not know before, and they aren't always good things.

time for a soapbox on dating and relationships. ready?

I feel like I have a much deeper expectation for what a relationship should be, what it should be like, and reasons for having a relationship, than many people I know. My youth group was against high school and junior high relationships (not that they wouldn't accept you if you did have them), believing them to be unnecessary and distracting to one's budding relationship with God. At first, I did not understand this belief, I thought it to be absurd and ridiculous. But when I learned more, I began to understand and agree. A "relationship" should be for the purpose of finding out if someone is right for you, the person you are meant to be with. It should not be something you do because it makes you feel good. Of course being liked would make anyone feel good. Knowing you are desirable to someone of the opposite sex is something everyone wants. I am NOT ashamed to admit that I have never been in a relationship...not to mention (obviously) that I have never been kissed. Why should I waste my time in a relationship with someone, just because of my own desires, and selfish ones at that? I don't see the purpose of having a 'significant other' if I know there is absolutely no possibility of them being 'the one'.

I don't understand the draw of having a boyfriend just to have one. I recently told someone (who asked me if I plan to have a boyfriend in college this year) that if the right person comes along, then yes, I will have a relationship. I won't enter into a relationship because it is fun, because it is enjoyable, because it's nice to cuddle or hold hands, because it's nice to have someone enjoy my company, or because they like me. I don't see the point. One's desires can make them think they like someone, when the truth is that they like to be liked.
Being at a christian school, it is encouraging to know that the majority of the guys here are christians, but the fact is, many or most of them probably do not share the same views on relationships as I do. Some do not even share the same morals. I know there is someone out there for me. Someone who takes relationships as seriously as I do. As far as a "first kiss" goes, I almost view it in the same way as I view "saving myself for marriage." How wonderful would it be to tell my husband that he is only he 2nd, 3rd, or 4th guy i've ever kissed? Where as, some people have kissed so many they can't remember them all. If I have waited 18 years, why blow my first kiss on some guy that doesn't really mean anything to me, or that I don't truly feel a connection with? I figure, I can wait until someone wonderful comes along to sweep me off my feet, and tell people that my first kiss was absolutely wonderful....not that it was with some stupid kid from seventh grade whose name I don't even remember.

It makes me sad that relationships don't mean much any more. In the old days, a man would ask a woman's father's permission to ask her out on a date. Relationships have become so normal, so casual, that there isn't much meaning left to them, and that wasn't the way God made them to be.

an environmentally friendly establishment

i am currently in the radio studio doing my radio show...what a perfect time to blog, huh? i swear i actually do stuff during my show, haha. i am writing today to say that i could possibly be the most unlucky person in the world. well, i guess it's not being unlucky, just a lot of crappy, bad things happen to me all the time. (you can refer back to an old blog about me tripping while coming out of my dorm). today, me and rebecca took the bus to target/safeway shopping center to get some random things. but, we were very hungry for lunch upon getting off the bus, so we decided to grab some lunch before heading to target. well, we crossed the street, but in order to get to pizza hut (where we decided to eat lunch), we could either walk along the side walk which was extremely out of the way, or cut across this small grassy ditch that was kinda wet. well of course we did not want to walk a huge way out of our way so we decided to walk across the little ditch. as we were walking down the side of it, i thought i was going to slip cause it was kinda steep. i even told rebecca "you know how clumsy i am, i am going to fall!" but i didn't. so then we were walking across the flat part and we suddenly realized that it was really wet so we started running and picking up our feet really high. and as i was running, of course, i slip in the wetness and fall flat on my butt. the bottom of my purse went into a puddle, as did basically my entire backside. we started cracking up because it was really hilarious, but i was extremely angry because i was soaking wet. so then we went to pizza hut, and i was hoping that they would be an environmentally friendly establishment and have a blow dryer in the bathroom. so i went in there and before i opened the door i said "God, please let there be a dryer in there." much to my surprise and happiness, there was! i run up to it and push the button...and nothing happens. so i push it about ten or twenty more times, hoping beyond hope that it will randomly start to work, but of course it does not. just another example of things that ONLY happen to me. at least they happen to me a lot more than any other person i have ever met. i need to meet a man that will love me even though i am horribly unlucky.

well, my radio show is almost over. it's been kinda crazy tonight. there were a couple times we went on the air and i couldn't stop laughing. i'm sure people who were listening (if anyone was listening at all) could not understand what the heck i was saying. oh well. i don't think anyone really listens any way. i must go, my computer is on the verge of dying. good night world wide web.