my best friend, a.k.a. my i-pod.

i went to church yesterday morning. it was really bad. it's nothing like what i am used to, and the presbyterian service just seemed so robotic to me. it really made me miss generation church. i especially miss the amazing, powerful worship and the best preaching in the world. it makes me sad that the only church that i really have access to right now is the one on campus, which is not really going to work for me.

i can't wait to go home at the end of the month. it's crazy to think that i am already over a quarter of the way through my first semester. i'm done with four weeks and there are about nine left. it's really crazy but i am so ready for a break. i can't wait to go sleep in my amazingly comfortable, large bed at home with my snuggly little kitten sleeping next to me. i can't wait to see tullamook's face when he sees me again, and i can't wait to hear bubba's snorting when he get's excited. i can't wait to be with family and have some wonderful, homecooked meals. i can't wait to have a hot shower for once!

who knew how much i would take having a hot shower for granted at home, but now i will most definitely appreciate it, since i don't have it now. i literally haven't had a hot shower since i have been here. if anything, they get to be luke warm, or give you spurts of hot water that last about two seconds and come every thirty seconds or so. i've tried going upstairs to use their showers, but they weren't that much better. i can't wait to go home and blast my music as loud as i want to and jump and dance around my room.

i only got about five or six hours of sleep last night, which is most definitely not enough. during gospel of john today, i could barely stay awake. i literally have NO idea what my professor was talking about because i was in and out of sleep the entire time. i kind of feel bad but her class is such a joke. i let myself take a half hour nap earlier, which helped, but i'm still really tired. i'm always tired, no matter how much sleep i get. i hate it. being tired is probably one of my least favorite feelings ever.

i have so much work i should and could be doing right now but i really don't want to do it. the amount of reading i am getting assigned is borderline insane. i can't wait until next semester. at least now i have a small idea of the work load for different classes so now i can try and balance it a little better so i'm not constantly swamped with work.

i have to read almost all of the book of luke, and eighteen chapters of acts by thursday, when i will be quizzed on it. and that is just for one class.

i miss my friends. i miss being around people who really know who i am, who understand and appreciate me and what i say. not that everyone here doesn't like me, just a select few. i have met a lot of people that i connect with and enjoy their company. i've been meeting a lot of people and hanging out with a lot of them, which has been fun. i just miss the comforts of people that
already know a lot about me.

you know what makes me really happy? music. if i feel down, i can just sit on my bed with my best friend (a.k.a. my i-pod) and just sink into a whole different world. and facebook... facebook makes me happy too. and my book of bunny suicides.

i'm pretty sure my plant is completely dead now. oops. oh, and did i mention i think i am going to die my hair? what color, you ask? maybe you will find out tomorrow.

don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?

i haven't blogged in a few days. i've already failed my goal of blogging every day. oh well.

i had my first major test on friday for my core class. it was really intimidating, especially since we didn't really know how to best study because we had no idea what would be on the test. i probably ended up studying for four to five hours and still didn't feel prepared. they made us take the test in an auditorium seated every other row, every other seat so that we wouldn't cheat. we had to leave our bags in the hall and so they gave us a piece of cardboard to use as a hard surface. i ended up knowing most of the stuff, but the last section, worth 40 points, was on one of the one things i hadn't reviewed at all. i think i B.S.ed it pretty well though. i don't want to speculate on whether i did well or not because when i think i do good, i end up doing horribly, and when i think i bomb it, i end up getting an A. whatever.

i went out to dinner with five other girls from my hall last night to red robin. it was great fun.

ballroom dancing club was last night. we learned the east coast swing, which was actually really fun, but kinda hard once we started getting to the spins and stuff. it's really fun dancing with a guy who actually knows what he's doing, because then you don't feel as dumb when you don't know what you are doing, cause at least they can lead you and you can kind of follow. i ended up dancing with this one guy who blinked a lot, but stared at me the entire time. and he asked me the question "so how are you liking whitworth?" twice in a matter of about one minute. i felt bad telling him he had already asked me that, so i just answered again. the last guy i danced with (i can't remember his name for the life of me!) dipped me at the end and i didn't freak out like the last time someone tried to do that! i was very proud of myself, and i have to admit that it was really fun.

it's also more fun when the guy knows what they're doing because they do more fun stuff like spins so you aren't just doing the same two steps over and over like i ended up doing with the guy who blinked a lot. let me tell you, doing rock step, triple step gets really, really boring after a full three or four minutes.

i think i am going to like ball room dancing club, since i already enjoy it after going twice. it's the only kind of dance i actually like. screw that dumb kind of 'dancing' you do at dances and give me the foxtrot! haha. it's so much more fun and you can actually kind of talk to the guy you are dancing with. plus it's way more romantic (not that i'm romantically interested in the guys i've danced with at ballroom dance, cause i'm most definitely not).

last night i hung out with charles, pierre, lucas and alan. we watched bill and ted's excellent adventure. i highly recommend it. it is a wonderful work of keanu reeves and is highly entertaining.

i feel like i have been reading all day long, but i haven't gotten much done. it's probably because i am sitting reading in front of my computer. so then i end up on facebook or here wasting my time away. i still have soooo much reading that i need to do for my cs lewis class, it's almost ridiculous. no wait, it most definitely is ridiculous. i still have about 250 pages left to read by 3:30ish tomorrow afternoon so that i can write a response to them and submit it online by 5. the thing is, i haven't really procrastinated that much, we just get assigned so much that it seems impossible to get it all done. i don't know how i am going to finish.

i really wish i had a car. i even have dreams about getting a car. i would love to be able to get off campus once and a while without having to be back by 6 (after this is when it starts to get sketchy waiting for and riding the bus). plus, the bus doesn't go every where that i want to go, especially to the church that me and rebecca want to go to.

it just sucks knowing that so many things would be different right now if i hadn't got in my accident. i was thinking today about how much my summer sucked. i didn't get to do anything i had planned to (especially train Belle and teach lessons), and my freedom was basically taken away when my car was totalled. it happened two days before my birthday, so the fourth of july sucked, my birthday sucked and then i had to get surgery four days later and try to do normal things like get dressed and bathe with a 'club' (as i called it) for an arm, which was very difficult. then i had to go to physical therapy and wear a brace at the ranch which made everything there hard. not to mention that my parents used the insurance money from my accident (which was more than we paid for the car in the first place) to buy my mom a new car. that really put the icing on the cake of an absolutely horrible summer. and now my thumb is sore almost all of the time because i have been writing so much in all of my classes. it pops a lot when i move it, and i have started holding the pen all weird so that it won't put so much stress on my thumb. people probably watch me writing and think that i'm weird.

i try not to think about it very much, but i can't help it. the pain is a constant reminder of how horrible the last few months of my life have been. i just don't understand why it happened. nothing good came of it. nothing.

i found out a couple days ago that Sham, the horse i had been riding for the last year and took to my last show, has been sold. it's really sad for me, but i know he deserves a home where he will be shown competitively and be able to use all of his potential. it's sad knowing that most of the horses i have known for the last almost four years will be sold. even horses that i didn't really like, i will miss. it's just like the song "don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?" i almost took all of the horses for granted, even the annoying ones, or the ones that would bite all the time, or the ones that tried to buck you off, or the ones that ran away when you tried to catch them. i will be very sad if i return home to find them all gone. i feel so out of the loop being so far away that i don't know who's being sold and who's not. it's weird. and sad.

so i really need to get back to reading now. i told myself that i would finish another 100 pages in the voyage of the dawn treader tonight, and i want to keep the promise to myself.

"i think it's just in their DNA to attack."

yesterday made me very happy. every night in all of the dorms we have what's called "prime time" where we have different activities going on. Arend (not my dorm), brought puppies and kittens from the humane society to play with. The kittens were really cute but i felt bad cause they looked really sickly, plus the room they were in smelled really bad because of their litter box, so i didn't stay with them for very long.


but, the puppies were so adorable. there were five pitbull puppies named Gus, Brindle, Carlton, Piglet, and one more whose name i don't remember. it really made me miss my dogs, but it was so much fun. they were so playful and were romping around biting each other and playing tug of war with a sock. After i had been there for a few minutes one of them just passed out and in a matter of minutes, the rest of them were asleep too. i picked up Brindle and held him in my lap. he fell asleep on his back and i sat there with him for about 45 minutes. it was really relaxing and calming for me. plus, it was the cutest thing in the world to see all of these puppies sleeping in all sorts of awkward positions on peoples' laps and the floor and stuff.

i ended up getting really angry sitting there with the puppies though, because of peoples' ignorance. people would walk in and ask what kind of puppies they were, and when they found out they were pitbulls they'd say "oh no, i don't want to touch them. pitbulls are vicious." i even heard one girl say "i think it's just in their dna to attack." which is simply not true. i have owned a pitbull and he was literally the sweetest dog i have ever met. he was so loyal and loving and absolutely snuggly. the ONLY downfall he had was his high prey drive, which cause him to try to attack our cats, bird and my rabbit. we ended up getting rid of him (not to a shelter, but to another loving home). we refused to take him to a shelter, knowing that even though he was super sweet, people would not go near him simply because of his breed.


pitbulls are mean because they are trained that way. it is not in their dna to be vicious or to attack people or other dogs. some pitbulls are bred to be fighting dogs and are trained to attack any other dog if they see one. these are the pitbulls that are on the news giving the rest of the breed a bad name. it's the same thing with doberman pinscher dogs. they are made out to be this super tough "guard dog" breed (which they can be, but ANY dog can be a guard dog...), but they are really sweet and loyal companions. my mom has always wanted one after being a vet tech.


it makes me sad that pitbulls have this horrible reputation of being vicious in nature, when they are wonderfully loyal and sweet companions, if they are raised correctly, in a loving home. they won't attack unless they are trained to. please, just tell me if this puppy looks vicious to you?

because to me, it looks innocent and like it deserves a chance at a good life. i think people need to open their eyes to what's really going on, and stop being ignorant. save the pitbulls.

Dead Animal Carcass

the floor shakes beneath my chair as i sit at my desk. why, you ask? because the bass in the music below me is entirely too loud. unfortunately, it's not quiet hours until 11 o'clock, at which point (if they haven't already) i will go downstairs and politely ask them to turn it down.

today we had what is called 'community building day' where morning classes are cancelled and freshmen have to take buses off campus with their freshman seminar class to do community service. my group had to go to a place called the "kairos house of prayer." where we raked pine needles for three hours straight. not to mention that it was freaking cold outside, and my hand started hurting. oh, and there was a dead animal carcass by where we were dumping the pine needles after raking them. clearly it was a wonderful time.

last night me and rebecca went to a free concert in the hub of a band called oppenheimer. they were from ireland, and actually pretty good, despite the fact that all of their songs sound the same. i got very excited because the lead singer said they were going to see snoqualmie falls the next day. i felt cool because they are a half hour away from my house. the sad thing was, rebecca said she has never been there, which is a tragedy. actually, they really aren't anything special, but you have to see them at least once, especially if you live close!

i got the grade for my first painting back today. i got 90 out of 100, which is equivalent to a B in my class. in order to get an A, you have to get 98%, which is basically insanity. the annoying thing is, my teacher said he liked the top right and bottom left parts of my painting, which were my least favorite. it's so annoying to get graded basically on opinion. ugh.

i took two pages front and back of notes in my three hour long C.S. lewis class today. half way through my thumb made this horribly painful pop. it still hurts. it's really becoming a nuisance to me.

you know what i hate? i hate it when you order a sandwich and they don't put enough stuff on it. like, they put two pieces of turkey, a thin piece of lettuce, three little pickle slices all spread out and one little smear of mayonnaise on one piece of the bread. you know what i mean? how hard is it to take the extra ten seconds to put a normal amount of meat on the sandwich? i think this is why i could never work a job doing something like this. i would spend too much time getting the perfect amount of meat, and spreading the condiments evenly across both pieces of bread.

i feel like i have no idea what is going on in the world outside of the pine cone curtain that is whitworth university. even when i was home, i never read the newspaper or watched the news. but the paper was always sitting on the table and i would mindlessly read an article here and there, and would randomly watch the news if nothing else was on. i can't stand that i don't know what is happening right now. i never have time and i am too lazy to look up the news online and take the time to read it. there's always so much going on and so many things running through my mind that i can't even attempt to fit anything else into my busy schedule.

i really want to go home for a couple days right now. if i had a car, i would probably be driving home this weekend. i am so sick of cafeteria food and sleeping the dorm room. i just really want to get away from everything that is going on right now. i want to escape, just run away from it. i don't want to have to face the issues at hand, or deal with the things that are bothering me, or speak my mind. i have a hard enough time speaking my mind at home. i hate confrontation, and i don't want to create it or deal with its consequences. not that i don't like rooming with rebecca, i just don't have any place that is my own. there is no where i can go where there won't be other people. i can hardly ever be alone, and it's never at a time when i really need to be alone. you don't realize how much you take having your own room for granted until you don't have it any more.

i also wish i had someone here who knew all of my inside jokes. nearly everything that i hear or say reminds me of some inside joke with either my sister, or other people. and then start to laugh and try to explain it, but of course it's not funny to any one else. and then i get sad because those people aren't with me.

ugh. i am not having a good week. i feel like i'm not myself any more. i used to be really bubbly and happy all the time. i'm never like that any more. i know why, but there's nothing i can do to change the situation.

piano time. it always makes me feel at least fractionally better.

I was totally here before you.

i had so many crazy things happen yesterday. i had lunch with brandon, and court joined us soon after. court asked me why girls wear summer dresses over long sleeve shirts, so i told him it is because it's cute. then brandon said that he doesn't understand the layering thing and why girls where like four shirts at a time. so i said, "well, i'm wearing two right now," to which he responded, "well, that's two too many. i mean....i meant...that's one too many!" to which me and court proceeded to crack up. it was hilarious.

while i was sitting in my room yesterday, rebecca and brandon were sitting on her bed. she kept saying "stop, stop" in a joking voice, and i saw that brandon had his pocket knife out. so i said (also jokingly), "are you knifing her, brandon?" and he said "no, i'm screwing her" (as he held up a large screw attached to his knife) me and rebecca DIED laughing. it was one of the funniest things that i have heard in a really long time.

i went to see minus the bear in concert last night. they were soo wonderful and i'm so glad that i went. it was, however, a very interesting night. we had a group of six people going, and a car that fit only five, an old honda civic. we ended up having four in the back, one kind of stretched across three and then two in the front. luckily the venue was literally five minutes from campus. it kind of made it more fun, actually.

the first band, ela, was actually pretty good. the only problem was that the lead singer looked just like someone, and i couldn't figure out who they looked like. it drove me crazy the entire night.

the second band, subtle, was the weirdest thing i have ever seen, seriously. there is no way to even describe the craziness. brandon called them 'sketchy', but i would call them 'on crack.' the lead singer, if you can even call it that, had a bunch of plastic forks that he threw into the audience and broke as he was singing. and they had this random painted statue thing in the middle of the stage. go look them up or something because no description can capture them.

now is the time in the concert when five or six drunk girls (most definitely under age) came pushing their way to the front, right near me, becca, brandon, and these other two guys we had been talking to a little throughout the concert. we got really annoyed because there was NO room for them at the front, but they were trying to make room. brandon had his sweatshirt on the floor and one of them was standing on it, so i said "umm, you're on my shirt." and she said "oh......sorrry.... take it.........i'm not on it any more......". so i took it. so then this one girl came and pushed her way to the front directly in front of me, so i started pushing back. it ended up being a pushing war between the drunk girls and us. then she thought it would be funny to step on my foot, so i kicked her (okay...that sounds really violent...i really just pushed her foot off of mine with my other foot). since i was pushing so much trying to keep my spot, she turned to me and said "okay.....okay......i was totally here before you." and so i said "no, you weren't. i was definitely here before you." and this other guy that was next to her (who was also really annoyed) totally backed me up. obviously, since she was drunk, she actually thought she had been there before me, so there was no arguing with her.

so we ended up tolerating the drunk girls once minus the bear came on because we wanted to enjoy the concert. only it was very hard because they were jumping around trying to mosh when NO ONE else was jumping but them. one girl kept running into me, so i literally pushed her in the back to get her to stop jumping on me and stepping on my toes. eventually some other guy got between me and the drunk girls, so i didn't have to deal with them any more. about half way through minus the bear's set, some security guard came barging through the crowds and forced one of the girls out. i'm pretty sure she was completely thrown out. brandon and a couple other people started clapping. then he came back a few minutes later and got the girl who had been jumping and running into me. it made me really happy.

after the security guard came for the two girls, the rest of them left, and i proceeded to enjoy the concert.

for all the crappy stuff with the drunk girls happening, it was a surprisingly fun concert. not to mention the music was (mostly...) amazing. and it was a really packed house. it could be because it was the first time i went to a concert with a bigger group of people.

i have to go do my homework before i have class at 2.

why is everything better in seattle?

my shower was the coldest it's ever been today. i stood towards the side waiting, praying to God for it to get at least sort of warm. it never did, so i took a cold shower. it was miserable. there hasn't been one day since school started that i have had a hot shower. if anything, they get to be luke warm.

i woke up at 12:33 this morning, or afternoon i guess i should say. i woke up and when i looked at the clock i thought it said 2:33. i almost freaked out a little. it felt so good to finally get some rest, to finally get more than 5-7 hours of sleep in one night. it felt weird.

it also felt weird to wake up without someone else in the room, to get ready without someone else in the room.

i started my next painting today, and i can say that i definitely like it better than the last one that i did. although, i'm not sure that what i'm doing is allowed or what we're supposed to be doing, but i like it. my other painting is hanging on the wall in the fine arts building next to the rest of the class's. every time i walk in the building i have to look at it. i hate it so much.

there was salmon for dinner tonight. of course, it was nothing like seattle salmon, but it wasn't horrible. why is everything better in seattle? especially the coffee. i have been so spoiled with starbucks that the coffee in our cafe just doesn't compare.

i have too many things on my walls that make me sad. maybe i should just live cornered by white, like a jail cell, so i can forget everything else. so i can forget about home, forget about family, forget about my pets, forget about the bands that i can't go see any more. i wish i could just forget it all for the rest of the school year, then magically remember when i can go back home in the summer and live it all again. i miss things and people that i didn't even like very much, just because they represent home.

i hate not having anything to say. today was so boring. i just wasted the day away, oh and apparently i missed the best whitworth football game people have ever seen. wonderful. i wish i could go home for a weekend. i really just want to get away from here for a little while. at least if i had a car, i could get off campus more, but i don't want to take the bus once it gets dark any more. or i could drive home for the weekend, but it's too expensive to fly home for a regular weekend. sigh. i need to finish reading the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. sweet dreams.

Precursor to the bad things to come.

i woke up late this morning. class started at 9:20, so i usually leave at 9:10, and i shot straight up in bed at 9:04. ugh. for some reason, my mind tricked me into thinking i had an hour until class started. i literally jumped off of my bed, which is the first time i have done that since i've been here. it's so high that i'm afraid to, but all of that fear had subsided when i realized i had six minutes to get ready and leave. it made a huge booming noise on the floor. i hope i didn't wake the boys below me.

i hate starting the day like that. it just seems like a precursor to the bad things that are going to come.

Minus The Bear is playing in spokane on sunday. i might go...but i don't really want to spend twelve dollars on a band that i'm not dying to see. if it was one of my bands from back home, i would spend twice that much.

tomorrow i plan to sleep until i wake up. no alarm. i haven't been able to do that in about three weeks. i can't wait. hopefully my body doens't try to wake up before noon. i will get very angry.
i plan to have a super relaxing weekend. there is a football game on saturday, but i don't really want to go.

i'm listening to Lovedrug right now. so amazingly wonderful, and it makes me think of the Crocodile Cafe, where me and rebecca saw barcelona for the first time almost three years ago. wow. that was a really long time ago.

i have this book on the shelf above my desk called "the book of bunny suicides - little fluffy rabbits who just don't want to live any more" morbid, i know. but it brings a smile to my face. is that weird?

my plant is dying. i forget to water it...not to mention that it has been pushed off it's shelf twice by the blinds that swing open violently each day. we've finally moved it's home to a separate part of the shelf, but so much dirt has fallen out, and i haven't watered it since i moved in. oops. plus, it's not in a pot that won't leak water every where if i were to give it what it needs.

my thumb has been sore the last couple of days. it started after i painted for two and a half hours straight, then took intense notes for an hour the next day. it makes this popping sound/feeling when i bend it. but only sometimes. then randomly i will get these intense cramping pains that go away after a minute or so. it's really not a good situation, but the doctor told me it would still be sore off and on for six months.

my package came in the mail today. now i finally have a robe to take to the shower. that will be much more convenient, and warm. the showers are never hot...if anything they get to be luke warm. it's unbearable. i also recieved my advisory quote book that heather made for me. it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

We watched this movie called "the gospel of John" in my gospel of john class today. guess who played the part of Jesus? desmonde, from lost. this basically made my day.

a hermit crab.

today is one of the first days since school started that i haven't felt overwhelmed. it's an amazing feeling.

i fear there isn't much to report today. college life is much more boring than it's made out to be. although i had a sub for my discussion group today and he believed the bible was all fiction. he didn't believe in original sin, or that adam and eve were the first people on earth. he also didn't believe in miracles. all this to say we had a very stimulating discussion. i must admit it was better than talking about character with my other leader.

i got rebecca addicted to lost. it wasn't very hard to do though. we are already over half way through the first season, but we've got a long way to go if she's going to watch the fourth season when it starts in february.

i've been missing seattle a lot lately. i feel safe there, much safer than here in spokane. while waiting for the bus a few days ago on Division street with rebecca, lauren, and heather, i actually got really scared. we were waiting for the bus at about 9 pm. i have been to so many concerts in seattle that normally end at 11 or later, and i almost never feel unsafe while walking back to my car. it could be that this just a new city, but i don't feel safe here. it could also be that i just don't feel at home here. seattle has always been my home, the only home i've ever known.

i miss pike place. i miss the mini powdered doughnuts. i miss going to the original starbucks with the line out the door. i miss the randomly placed painted pig statues. the fire alarm just went off. i physically jumped. it was sooo cold outside and now i'm freezing. anyways...back to things i miss. i miss there being like twenty concerts a week. i miss the amazing gyros. i miss people at the pike place ale house thinking i'm 21 when i'm only 18 (don't worry, i didn't drink, haha). i miss getting to concert like 2 hours early to end up wandering around for an hour and a half. i miss all of the amazing bands. i miss going to see a band live five or six times and not getting sick of them. i miss "our" parking lot on 2nd and pine. i miss the rainy weather. i miss having a car to go places.

you know what i really miss? my puppy. i miss him soo horribly. his picture is on my desk, along with a picture of my cute, innocent little kitten. i miss the noises bubba makes while he's sleeping...those adorable grunts and groans. i miss him curled up on my lap while i watch tv. i miss driving around with him sleeping on the seat next to me. i miss taking him to the starbucks drive thru and watch him shake at seeing the stranger. i miss his wrinkles. i miss my kitten sitting at my feet while playing the piano. i miss waking up to discover her curled up on the bed next to me. i miss how she drools when you pet her for more than a minute. i miss her golden yellow happy eyes. and of course, i miss my mooky. i miss hugging him. i miss taking naps with my head on his side, up and down. i miss kissing his whiskers and his graying muzzle. i miss how he smiles at you when he hasn't seen you for a few days.

why am i torturing myself thinking about things like this? it's not making me feel any better.

i'm starting to feel sort of lonely these days. a few factors have led to this feeling, none of which i care to talk about on here. well, actually that's kind of a lie. basically one thing has led to this feeling.

did i mention i am still sick? and that i finished my first painting today? i hate it. i kind of want to burn it. even though it took me probably 8 to 10 hours. its repulsive to me. i really have NO natural painting talent. and apparently i have to do a painting in the style of surrealism. i don't really know what that is, besides the fact that salvador dali (whom i learned about in spanish class last year) was a surrealist painter. being a perfectionist, i don't think i will really end up liking any of the paintings i do, but we shall see.

i watched the most horrible movie for my core 150 class today. it was called The Chosen. all you need to know is that there is a 15 minute scene with a close up of an old man's face from the upper lip to his hair...it's just him talking for 15 minutes. and you can't understand what he's saying because he mumbles and has so much facial hair that you can't even try and read his lips while he's talking. it was so boring. never waste your time on it.

these two blogs i have written have been very long, and that is because i have a lot of alone time. and i mean A LOT.

i feel sort of like a hermit crab that comes out for necessary things like going to class and eating, but retreats into it's shell otherwise. i don't mean to be this way. i didn't start out this way...but that is what i have become.

i'm happy that i have a keyboard in my room. piano is something that just helps me forget the world. i can play my sorrows away. i think i will go play them away right now.

"christ on a cracker"

college is insanity. the transition from high school to college was like being thrown onto a moving train. i often find myself on the verge of nervous break down. i feel as if i am physically drowning in work, that the pages i must read each day are suffocating me with their overpowering numbers.

the miniature glitter lava lamp that sits on my desk tries to calm me.

so much has happened in the last few weeks that it's almost unbelievable. it's almost like i am sitting back watching everything happen without really experiencing it. it's like i'm numb to everything and my body is just going through the motions of daily life. i often find myself arriving at class without really remembering how i got there. when did i leave my room? how long did it take to walk here?

autopilot kicks in when my mind is too tired to make my body function. unfortunately 'too tired' is a daily occurance. an average of five hours of sleep can't be good for my health, or my sanity for that matter.

i lost my keys last night. i feared someone would steal my whitworth university lanyard and i would go to lost and found to realize my key and id card had been separated from their keeper. luckily, some kind soul turned it into the lost and found without taking my lanyard. i was able to retrieve it this morning.

a package came in the mail today. i bought two cd's on amazon last week so that i would have a package to open. lots of people get packages from home, so i wanted to join the party. of course it's not the same when you send something to yourself, but it was just as fun to open, despite the fact that i already knew what it was. my mother is supposed to be mailing me a bunch of stuff soon, and i told her to make brownies and put them in the package. i will be very disappointed if i discover there are no brownies.

that reminds me, i am utterly sick of cafeteria food. i'm not gonna lie, it's not the worst food i've ever eaten (much better than high school), but it is the same thing every day. i put the food in my mouth each night and i can hear my tastebuds sigh. we are going grocery shopping tonight and out to dinner, which should be a great time.

you know what i hate? i hate when teachers call on you when you're not raising your hand. my c.s. lewis professor called on rebecca yesterday in class to explain c.s. lewis's childhood to our class of 80 people. as she listed off facts, i realized that i didn't remember anything. i would have completely frozen and humilated myself, had he called on me. i read these 200 page books in a week, but don't retain any of the information. i get so focused on simply finishing the book that i forget to actually comprehend the words on the page. i will read an entire page before realizing that while my eyes were following the words along the page, my mind was wandering else where.

i fell asleep during a lecture today. luckily my computer didn't fall off my lap as i drifted off. of course this little excursion into my dream world only lasted two minutes as i awoke to a nudge in the arm from rebecca. oops. this little sleep attack could have been due to getting merely 5 hours of sleep, or the fact that i am sick.

did i mention i am sick? the allergies came monday like the cavalry marching into battle. this was followed by a sore throat, cough, and runny nose tuesday, only to wake up to a wonderfully painful head ache this morning, in addition to all the other crap that hasn't gone away.

i went out with heather, rebecca, and lauren this last weekend. we went shopping, and i finally got some new converse to replace mine that are completely falling apart. i am still going to get super glue in an attempt to save them from the fate of a dumpster. they have been too good to me this last year to be thrown out like trash. we took the bus to the mall on the way back. there were a bunch of creepos at the bus stop, and we got whistled at about 4 times by passing cars, in addition to an "arrrrg." we weren't really sure what that meant. Oh, and we went to see the movie 'the brave one.' it was horrible. don't waste your money on it. it was more humorous than suspenseful, and one guy even used the phrase "christ on a cracker," to which me and heather cracked up in our seats. no one else in the theatre thought it was very funny.

i have to go to class in a half hour. i get to go listen to a lecture by a professor who told us on monday that "being drunk can give you a deeper connection with God." this is just a little taste into the craziness that i experience three days a week in my Gospel of John class. i really, truly fear that my teacher may be out of her mind. and she has a 1900's hair do, which actually looks quite hard to achieve. though maybe it's just a wig...hm.

i was supposed to be doing homework instead of writing in this blog. what a horrible influence on my studies.