oh, the junior high years.

i found this journal entry from when i was 14 years old. i thought it was the funniest thing in the world, so i thought i would share it with the world. i am going to leave out proper names and such....

"Dear Journal,
this entry will be about one thing, or person i guess i should say, and his name is ---. About six weeks ago, i started going to ---- and i love it. not only because it's an awesome youth group, but because that is where i met---. From the first moment i saw him i knew that i liked him. he's 14 years old, but he's only in 8th grade and he goes to ----. he's a little taller than me and he dresses like a complete metrosexual (that means he dresses really well). the cutest thing is that he always wears (almost always) a brown baseball cap with elastic in the back, he wears in tilted to the side. he wears awesome tinted jeans that hang just right and are the perfect length. he also wears kswiss shows which are prime. ---- also walks really nicely and carries himself nicely. he always seems really nice and he has a really sexual voice, though his laugh is kinda funny (but cute). another thing i love about him is that hes not afraid to be religious. when it's worship time, he actually sings and raises his hands and i think that it's so cool that he doesn't care about anyone else while he is worshipping. the one problem i have is that, well...i've never actually talked to him before. But, we had made direct eye contact at least 3 times. ---is coming with me this wednesday..tell ya more later!"


who knew i could use such intense words like metrosexual at fourteen. haha.

are you ever so fed up that you stop caring?

do you ever have days where you just wonder what people are thinking? why they make certain choices? are you ever baffled at what people you know do with their lives and what they spend their time doing? do you ever just want to scream at someone 'what are you thinking'? do you ever want to try to wake someone from the sleep they seem to be in? are you ever so fed up that you stop caring and stop pretending to be nice? because i've been having a lot of those days lately.

i really have not been a happy person lately. i just always feel down about something, and most of the time i don't really know what is making me feel this way. last year if i felt sad, i could just sit with bubba sleeping on my lap and watch tv. it helped me to forget everything that was going on, forget the world, forget my problems. or i would take a nap sleeping on tully, listening to his heart beat, feeling his chest go up and down as he breathed slowly. it calmed me down, helped me to think rationally and not be so angry about stuff that was going on. i have no where that i can escape to here. no one to help me feel better. no fluffy kittens that will come purr at my feet, no smushy faced puppy to make me smile, no big dog that i can lay on...no bedroom to lock myself into, no concert i can go to to clear my head, no one to vent my problems to that will understand me, and no car to drive my problems away with.

i can't wait to go home on thursday. monday and tuesday of this week are gonna be monsters, but once tuesday at 9:30 rolls around, it's cake until i leave for break on thursday at 3. i'm going to see if i can not go to painting class on thursday, then i literally could sleep in as late as i want. oh wait, scratch that. i'm having coffee with On at some point on thursday morning, but it would be amazing to not have any classes to go to the entire day.

my pilates class starts tomorrow. i'm going to try it out, but i might end up dropping it because it's in the middle of the day, and i'm already swamped all the time. if it's more yoga-like pilates, i might stay in because it may actually help relieve my stress. but if it's really intense, i will probably wait until next semester. i'm just always feel like i have an overabundance of homework, and i sometimes do my gospel of john homework during that hour. i don't know, i guess i will go monday and wednesday and see if it's going to be okay.

oh my word. i just absolutely cannot wait to scoop bubba up in my arms and wrap myself around tully. and have my little kitten sleep with me at night in my amazingly large and comfortable be. oh man, i can't believe i get to go home in three days! ahhh!

now, i must be off to study for my major c.s. lewis test that's on tuesday. oh, and did i mention that i have a painting due on tuesday that i've only done the initial painting? that's going to be fun trying to finish that tomorrow. ahaha...somebody help me.

i've become a pretender.

the other day in core, i fell asleep pushing the backspace on my laptop. when i woke up, i had deleted almost half of my notes. this is the kind of thing that only happens to me. i am a horribly unlucky person and weird, but horrible things always happen to me. kind of like how i tripped and ripped a whole in my pants the other day because someone left the rug turned over...and also because i'm sort of a clutz, i'll admit it.

i feel like i complain a lot. maybe that's just cause a lot of bad things seem to happen to me, or i seem to always end up in a situation that, as i would say 'is not ideal.' i use that phrase a lot. any time something really sucks, i say "this is not my ideal situation." it makes me feel not so bad about the crap that happens to me. i also find myself saying "only me!" a lot, rebecca can attest to that.

barcelona is coming to spokane on december 1st. i absolutely cannot wait. i actually started screaming when i found out...that's how excited i am. i really wish moneta or tysen or this providence or classic crime would come play some time too. oh well. when i am home for fall break, and boys like girls and all time low are going to be playing at el corazon. i really want to go, but i just need to find someone to go with me. i think it would be an amazing concert.

i wish i had guts. i wish i was able to just speak my mind to everyone i ever meet. i wish i could say whatever i wanted to people and tell them how i really feel. it's kind of weird cause i feel like i'm hiding the most from the people i spend the most time with. what is wrong with me that i can't just talk about my feelings? that i can't just have 'the balls' to say what i want? my life would be a lot better right now if i could talk to people honestly. there are so many burning questions that i want answers to, so many things i don't understand. i've become a pretender.

can anyone wake me from the sleep i'm in? from the hazy life i've been leading? life continues without a realization of where i'm going or what i'm doing. i keep praying for something to change, for things to get better. i'm still waiting for a reply.

i keep trying to rely on god, cause he's the only one left that can do anything for me. he's the only one who understands my situation. it's hard being here by myself some times. it helps me fall back on him, cause there is simply no one else. i've started to become sort of lonely here. music has become more of a friend to me than ever before. but it almost makes me more sad sometimes because i find myself listening to seattle bands. music helps me forget about the world. thank god for music.

i basically got addicted to them

the other day i had an epiphany about my happiness and why it has recently been lacking. that discovery was that horseback riding, which was such a huge part of my life, is now missing from the equation. i didn't really realize how much it affected me, but it's starting to dawn on me. i was getting to the point where i was riding three to four days a week and teaching two or three days a week...and i haven't even seen a horse in a couple months now. it's really weird. horses are really therapeutic for my sanity. this is going to sound crazy, but they are wonderful listeners. if i was riding alone or with only one or two other people, i would talk to the horse i was riding almost the entire time. most horses love it when you talk to them...they like to hear your voice, and you can tell they are listening to you when they have one ear turned back to face you and one forward to listen to everything else. they will listen to everything you have to say, and it makes you feel so much better. they're wonderful companions, and will try to take care of their riders. they feel responsible for you, and feel really bad if you fall off (unless of course they try to dump you because they are not well trained...). riding was something that i counted on, that i looked forward to. it was really calming and kept me sane. it's one of those things that you can do to escape from the world. when you're riding, nothing else exists in the world but the connection between you and your horse. it's the best feeling in the world when the horse is really responsive and you are just completely in sync, you feel like you are floating. and lets not even talk about jumping, that is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

some days, if i was alone at the barn and not having a good day, i would just go out into the pasture and hang out with the horses while they grazed. you can lean on them, hug them, sit next to them and just chill. they are so relaxing to be around and like i said, they are wonderful listeners. i really miss having them in my life. i've been emailing this lady who wants me to exercise her arabian mare for her here in spokane, and i'm really hoping that she's close enough to campus for us to work something out, because riding, and even just being around horses would make me much happier on a day to day basis.

i also really miss being able to go for runs. that's one reason why i'm so looking forward to going home in ten days. i decided i'm going to try to go for a run every day that i am home. running with bubba was a really good way to clear my head...it allowed me to run my problems and stresses away. i've started thinking about all the things i want to do while i am home. i most definitely want to go to pike place or another place in seattle. i really miss it, and can't wait to go back. and me and rebecca are probably going to go visit kaylyn at UPS and i'm really excited to see her. it will be so wonderful to go back home for a few days.

it's hard because i really don't feel like i have that many friends here, and i am never very happy. i don't really know why, but i haven't really been my bubbly, loud, sarcastic self since coming here. i dunno...there are a bunch of factors that could be the cause of this, but i don't like it. i wish i could just be happy all the time. today is the first day in a really long time that i've had even a semi-good day. i miss being bubbly and happy. i miss having that good feeling all the time. i feel down all the time, and i don't really have anyone that will cheer me up here. at home i had so many people and things around me to make me feel better, but here, there isn't anyone/anything like that. i definitely know one cause of this, but it's not the entire cause. i'm not really homesick, at least i wouldn't call it that...it's more of the fact that i miss things and events back home.

missing a bunch of absolutely amazing concerts doesn't really help me feel better either. ah. live music is such an upper for me. i miss it horribly. not that i haven't gone to concerts since coming here, cause i've gone to two...they just aren't the same as my favorite seattle bands. i saw moneta four times this summer, barcelona once, the classic crime once, this providence once, tysen twice, dating delilah twice (only cause they were opening), the real you twice, and others i'm forgetting. it's insane to go from that to being completely cut off from them. especially with moneta. i basically got addicted to them after seeing them four times in a matter of about two months, and now i haven't seen them in about two months. i am definitely having concert withdrawls.

cheer me up.

i like it and that's all that matters, right?

i did my first radio show last night. it ended up being a lot of fun, and i can't wait to do it every week. i was really nervous i was going to mess up, but we only messed up once, and it was mostly brandon'd fault...haha. we accidentally played the same song almost in a row, and then there was silence for like ten seconds cause we couldn't figure out how to get the next song to play right away. but other than that, it turned out really well. and we decided that we aren't going to script it next time, because it was way more fun to just talk without having it all really planned out.

it's fall preview this weekend and it's really weird. it's crazy to think that just a year ago, me and rebecca were those little high school seniors walking around campus, nervously clutching our free whitworth folders with our quite obvious name tags pinned to our shirts. i can't believe that was only a year ago. it makes me really happy to see them all walking around, taking tours, because that was me last year! i want all of them to love it here, because i love it here. my experience last year with my overnight host was not very good, so i promised myself that if i attended whitworth the next year, i would host someone and make sure they have an amazing time, so i am! i signed up a couple days ago and some girl named brynn is going to be staying with me and rebecca tonight. i'm really happy, and i am going to be the best host i can be.

so i dyed my hair again on friday. this time i dyed it 'soft black' because apparently the deep brown isn't dark enough. my hair is definitely darker now, but it doesn't look black in person. i took some pictures to put on my facebook and myspace, and with the flash, it actually looks black...it's kinda scary, but don't worry, it doesn't look like that in real life. i am much happier with this color though because i needed something drastic. i was just so tired of that mousy brown color. it wasn't really blonde, and it wasn't really brown, it was just icky. it's weird though because not very many people have noticed it...or at least they haven't said anything. oh well, i like it and that's all that matters, right?

i decided a couple days ago that i am chaning my major...already. i honestly hate my painting class/professor and i just don't think that with the amount of hate i have for it, that i can continue to be an art major. the thing is, i want to do graphic design, but it doesn't require any classes that will give me a practical application for the graphic design, it just shows me how to do it. plus, i would have to take all sorts of nasty art history classes, which i definitely don't want to do.

the more i think about my life and what i want to do, i really would love to be in the music industry....it would be my dream job to work for a record label, doing promoting, designing websites, merchandise, cd covers, posters, and things like that. having gone to so many concerts in the lat couple years, it has become a major part of my life, something i can't, and don't want to live without. music is something that everyone loves, at least some sort of genre...it can connect you with people you never would have known. so...because of this, i am considering majoring in marketing with a minor in visual communications. if they had a major for visual communications, i would totally do that. it is way more what i want to do than graphic design. you still take photoshop, design, web design, photography, and other classes that i wanted to take, but it is more focused on the business aspect of it than the art aspect. and even though marketing will be a lot of business type classes, at least it is something i will still enjoy, and it has a ton of practical applications once i graduate.

i have to go get ready to meet my pre-frosh! yay!

Applied Journalism: Radio

so guess what? i signed up for this class called Applied Journalism: Radio. I get to be a radio dj for whitworth's radio that's broadcast here in spokane. KWRS 90.3 fm. you can go listen online. i'm going to be having a specialty show with brandon called P.R.I.M.E. which stands for pop rock indie modern emo, in which we get to play whatever music we want, so long as it does not include swearing. our little description of our show is "your source for up-and-coming music from seattle and beyond." i'm going to play a bunch of my favorite seattle bands that i miss so much. we've already planned out what we are going to play for our first show, and i can't wait. plus, they have a HUGE music library, and we can burn whatever the heck we want...they even encourage it! we start on saturday from 9-11 pm. it's gonna be bomb.

i'm going to dye my hair again on saturday i think. it's most definitely not as dark as i was hoping it would be, so i'm just going to try again. i haven't decided if i could get a darker color, or just get the same one and leave it on longer. hm.

i fell asleep about four times in my core 150 lecture today. it was ridiculously boring, and i didn't go to sleep until like 1:30 last night, which is actually pretty late for me. i've been really good about getting to sleep at a somewhat decent hour. although, i think i could be so tired simply because it's the middle of the week, and i always get into a slum. plus, i had seven hours of class yesterday. mondays, wednesdays and fridays i only have two and thursdays i only have three. tuesday is most definitely my craziest day of the week.

the stress of midterms are coming upon me right now. i have a 100 point "quiz" in my gospel of john class on friday, and then i have a 100 point midterm on monday. i don't know what in the world my teacher is thinking. plus, for the midterm we have to define and explain a bunch of greek terms that we haven't even learned. i have no idea what i'm going to do. i have no idea how i'm doing in that class right now, and i fear that i'm going to get a shock at the end of the semester when i find out my grades. eek.

i did a straight up face plant.

yesterday was not a good day for me.

me and rebecca were walking out of our dorm at about 9:30 to head to the coffee shop to rejuvenate ourselves with caffeinated beverages so we could read for a while. this guy kyle was talking to us as we were walking out the door so i was kind of looking back and wasn't watching were i was going. the second the door closed behind me, i caught my foot on the rug outside that had been flipped up to keep the door open. i did a straight up face plant. i landed and skidded on both of my hands. my headband flew off my head, and i hit my knee really hard on the pavement. of course i stood up almost immediately so no one would see, and luckily there wasn't really anyone around. me and rebecca started cracking up, because it was actually quite humorous. once we had gone up the five or so steps to get to the pathway, i looked down to see if i had skinned my knee, only to discover that i had ripped a hole in the knee of my favorite pair of jeans (which were also my very first pair of skinny jeans, which hold great meaning for me...haha). i literally screamed out "i ripped my favorite pair of jeans!" at the top of my lungs. people would probably think i was crazy if they heard me, but i doubt anyone heard me. i was so angry.

then today, i went to finish the rest of my squirrel painting for my painting 1 class. i got paint all over me, but i thought that i had escaped getting it on my clothes, until i got to the hub where brandon asks "did you get paint on your shirt?" and so i look down to find yellow/white paint on the front of one of my favorite new shirts. i was so annoyed. i am going to try to use tide to go to get it out, but i don't know if that will work.

i have a ridiculous amount of reading to do right now. i feel like there is no way that i will get it all done. for my gospel of john midterm, we have to define like 15 greek terms, most of which we haven't even learned, and we have to describe in great detail the seven signs of jesus, which we haven't even gone into much detail about. ugh. it's so frustrating.

college sucks. okay, that's a lie, college is amazing, but the work is so different and so much harder than high school. i am going to miss the best concert of my life being here. (i may have already talked about this in a previous blog, so forgive me). the classic crime, tysen, and moneta ALL acoustic. they are even sectioning off the showbox to make it more intimate. i can't believe i am going to miss it. i cannot believe it.

as much as i do like college, i really, really miss seattle. so much that i have decided to make a painting of seattle for my dorm room. i really am a seattlite at heart. i miss it horribly. and, i'm not going to lie, i most definitely miss the rain. i am sooo sick of the freaking cold weather. it's already like 40 degrees almost all of the time, which sucks. i don't have enough cold weather clothes for this. blah. i really don't like spokane very much. it's just not home.

i work at target. we better get that cart back!

yesterday was a pretty good day.

me and rebecca and brandon took the bus to northpoint shopping center to get some groceries and hair dye. Of course (even though i said it was a bad idea) we went to safeway first. we ended up getting way too many groceries...definitely not an amount that would be easy to take on a bus. Then we walked the quarter mile to target with the safeway cart. upon arriving at target, we transferred our safeway bags into the target cart. we saw court when we were going into the target. that was fun. after we got everything we needed at target, we had to walk the quarter mile back to the bus stop. at which point we decided that either we would have to take the cart on the bus or walk back to school with the cart. we decided on the latter. i don't really know how long of a walk it was. it was kinda long but was over quickly. while we were waiting to cross the street at hawthorne and division, we heard so guy saying "hey, hey!" really loudly so we turned around to see this guy sitting in his truck in the parking lot behind us. he said "i work at target. we better get that cart back!" so we assured him that we would take it back later, knowing very well that we wouldn't.

once we got back to campus we took our cart up to me and becca's room to unload our groceries. brandon took the cart back to his dorm because we had no use for it.

then it was time to dye my hair. i was really nervous but also really excited. i had never done it before, so i wasn't really sure how to do it...it was kinda a learning experience. i don't think i left it on long enough though because it's not as dark as i was hoping it would be. i know that it is darker, but i can barely tell a difference when i look at my hair. it's kinda disappointing to go through all of that and have it not be as dark as i wanted. oh well, i guess i will just have to dye it again in a month or so.

brandon and rebecca went on a date last night, so i stayed in my room, got in my sweats and watched pride and prejudice, one of the greatest movies ever. it was really nice to just get comfortable and relax. then they came back and we watched an episode of lost, which was fun.

i didn't go to ballroom dancing club last night. that was dumb of me. oh well.

i am angry. we found out that the milk we bought yesterday is leaking, which means no cereal. i was really looking forward to having cereal this morning. ugh.

i should go do some reading for my c.s. lewis class. i to read pretty much an entire book by tomorrow at 4. oops.

the clouds of rain have come over campus to pour out their tears

i found out today that i am going to be missing what may have been the best concert of my life: the classic crime acoustic set, playing with tysen and moneta at the showbox. unfortunately, it is on november 3rd, just one week after i am home for fall break. what are the odds? i am horribly disappointed that i am going to miss this concert, but hopefully tcc will go on tour after the seattle show and come to spokane.

i realized today that i am going to have to buy all of my christmas presents in the two weeks right before christmas...which is basically insanity.

i found out today that the girl in charge of campus activities (who i have been emailing like to crazy to try and get some of my favorite seattle bands to come) is very interested in having Barcelona come play, and said she's talking with their manager right now! i am so frickn happy right now. like literally, you don't know how excited this makes me. i don't even know if it's for sure, or when, but just the prospect of them playing here is making me all giddy inside. i haven't seen any of my seattle bands in well over a month, which is a very long time to be deprived.

i have a ridiculous amount of reading to do right now. for each book (of the five...ugh) i made a little reading schedule of how far i need to get each day. this almost stresses me out more than it helps me because i never stick to the schedule...then i end up having to read like 100 pages in each book the day before i'm supposed to have it done. i'm not gonna lie, my c.s. lewis class basically ruins my weekends. we have to write responses to our readings by sunday night at 5...which basically means i have to spend the entire weekend reading the one and a half books that i get assigned each week. not to mention all the other reading and homework i have for my other classes.

i am leaving in about an hour to get my hair dye from target (in addition to getting some much needed grocery shopping done). i must say that i am really ready for a change. i have never dyed my hair before, and i am so ready to be done with this icky mousy brown color. i am also really nervous though....i have never done it before and i don't want it to look bad. ugh...hopefully it will be okay.

it started out sunny today, but now the clouds of rain have come over campus to pour out their tears. it's been so cold that i have already started wearing my coat that i bought for the below zero weather...oops. i have a feeling i am going to have to wear five layers once the snow comes. i am not looking forward to that day, because once it comes, it doesn't leave for months. i don't know why i wanted to come here to go to school.

so remember how i told you a few days ago that my plant died? well i'm pretty sure it's sitting on my shelf like a rotting body that hasn't been disposed of. don't worry, it doesn't smell like a decomposing body smells though. although, i'm pretty sure our milk went bad a week ago and we haven't thrown in out yet. maybe that's the weird smell in my room right now...

it was homecoming week this week. kinda lame and no one really cares about it. plus we don't even have a dance (not that i'd go any way....considering i hate dancing), we just have a fancy banquet. our homecoming football game is tomorrow and i'm pretty pumped. the one football game i have gone to is the only one we've lost all season. go figure! i'm hoping we win...but we are playing an undefeated team...so i doubt it.

not next weekend but the weekend after that is parents weekend, which i am super pumped for. not just to see my parents, but also my bugsy!! i am going to parade around campus with him showing him off cause he's so cute. i have told so many people that my parents are bringing him and everyone is so excited to see him. then the next weekend is fall break, so i get to go home for a few days! i can't wait to sleep in my big bed, get homecooked meals, and see mooky and my little kitten. i am so pumped. then the next weekend, me and rebecca's small group leader is coming to visit, and i can't wait to see her.

the next few weeks are going to be amazing (despite the fact that i'm missing the greatest concert of my life). and i'm actually having a pretty good day today. i'm actually kind of...happy. i haven't just been happy for no reason in a while. it's a good feeling.

I fear I will go crazy.

i realized i already wrote today, but i don't care...i need to get this out. you know when you spend time with someone, and the more time you spend with them, the more you don't like them? when literally every word out of their mouth annoys you? well that's happening right now. don't worry, not with my roommate...that would suck.

i don't really know what to do about this. there's not really much i can do, but i fear i will go crazy.

i find myself praying a lot these days. i pray a lot when i'm alone, which is quite often. it's comforting knowing that if i can't talk to anyone else, or no one else will listen and care, god will. i don't want to sound like some crazy obsessive christian girl who prays 24 hours a day, but it's nice to just talk to god, because he knows and understands my situation, and he's always there.

so many things have changed since coming to school that my mind can't even handle it all. some good, some bad...some horrible.

what do you do when being around someone just puts you in a bad mood? somebody help me. things are not going well for me at the moment. i just can't handle it any more. i just can't. i just can't.

i want to cry a lot, but for some reason, the tears don't come. so instead i'm just sad. i don't know if it's noticeable or not. but i figure it isn't because no one has said anything. i guess it's better that way. it doesn't help that i'm 5 hours from home and surrounded by the things that are making me sad. i think i'm going to take a nap.

sleeping away my sorrows always helps!!

hello, my name is maddie. it's been 34 days since my last drink

i ate dinner with an old friend last night. that was really good for me to do. i find myself getting sad a lot because of all of the reminders of home that i have surrounding me. around my desk i have picture of my puppy and my kitten, pretty much all of my friends, two mugs that were gifts from people i love, and of course my large array of band stickers. i'm not really home sick, i just miss things and people that are back in seattle.

i'm not going to lie, i really miss starbucks. it's been over a month without it. i didn't know i could go that long. the coffee they make in our on campus coffee shop is usually bad, but once in a while it will be good. i had a peppermint mocha the other day that almost made me sick it was so gross. i've just been spoiled going to high school where there are two starbucks within a half mile, and one practically on my campus. it was almost ridiculous, and just fed my addiction. it's like i'm going to SAA (starbucks addicts anonymous). "hello, my name is maddie. it's been 34 days since my last drink."

i can't believe it is already october. where did september go? i feel like i wasn't really living any of it. it was as if i was doing everything without knowing it. i feel like all i did for a whole month was read like a mad woman. studying has taken over my life (and rightly so, considering this is college) but i feel like i never have a moment to just breathe and relax. not to mention i am always tired, even when i get eight or more hours of sleep.

i am going to die my hair this weekend. i haven't really decided if i am going to do a dark brown or black. considering i have never dyed my hair before, i am hesitant to go completely black. i figure, if i start with a brown, i could always go darker.

i miss being able to go for runs with bubba. i don't really want to run here because there are always a ton of people around. i miss watching bubba run next to me and look up at me with his tongue hanging out. i miss watching him sleep when we get home.

i didn't realize before coming here how much music is a part of my life. i haven't been to a show in over a month. i think the reason i'm freaking out about it so much is because there aren't any available. during the last year, there were times when i didn't go to shows for a month, but i knew there would always be one when i did need to go to one. here, they are scarce and aren't the seattle natives that i love. i had no idea how much happiness it brings to my life. it's one of those things that just refreshes me and helps me get through the weeks...especially when i have one to look forward to. over the last few years i have started to go to way more local shows, and now that i can't, it's really hard for me.

my core class today was really super boring. rebecca fell asleep next to me, and patrick fell asleep next to her. rebecca had her head back, patrick had his head forward and the girl in front of me was asleep to the side...it was really funny. i really don't like that class. it's nothing like what i thought it would be, and it's a ridiculous amount of work.

we are having a little sammamish reunion tonight at didiers, the best frozen yogurt in the world. i'm really excited. oh geez, i miss home!

i need to go do homework before class. i love how i leave my gospel of john homework until an hour before class. that's a good habit...take note.