Moving on to better things.

I've moved my blog here:


http://maddiehayes.tumblr.com


You can effectively stalk me there.

Time to myself to just think.

It's almost impossible for me to believe that I only have a month left at home. I'm really excited to move into my new house off campus and get back into the school thing. Learning just straight up feeds my mind in the best way, and I don't like to be stagnant.

I'm currently at starbucks in Kirkland, enjoying the free wifi (finally, starbucks, honestly. I think every other coffee shop in the country caught on before you) and late-night coffee. I wouldn't have come, if it weren't for the treat receipt I got this morning. I don't need the coffee, so I got decaf, but it still tastes lovely. I was home for a couple hours this evening after getting back from visiting with friends in Tacoma, and I already almost lost my mind. This was also a major reason why I decided to head to the bux. I needed to get out, get away, get some time to myself to just think. Of course, I'm not really by "myself," when I'm sitting in a crowded, obnoxiously loud Starbucks, but this is my thing. Whenever I need to get away, I go to a coffee shop - any one that's open and good.

I've also come to the realization that I hate the "party" scene. Well, this wasn't a recent realization, just more of a confirmation of a realization I had many years ago. Throughout my life, I've just never had the desire to get into any sort of drunken escapades. It wasn't until recently that I accepted the fact that there's really no harm in a few drinks. But to be perfectly honest, I just don't think sitting in a house with a bunch of drunk people attempting to throw ping pong balls into cups of beer sounds like fun. Now that I'm 21, I enjoy going out to some classy bars in Seattle for a couple drinks with friends, or having a drink at home. But on the other hand, I've spent too much of my life being uptight and overly goody-goody. I know I need to learn how to loosen up a bit and just have fun.

This coming school year will bring many changes in my life. I'm sure of it. I feel like I've matured and changed this summer. I've had to get to a point where I am okay with myself, since I've spent the majority of the summer alone. I was scared that this summer would be miserable (and some times were arguably so), but I've spent a lot of time alone, reflecting, thinking, and changing. I want to go out and be a confident woman, instead of the meek person I feel I used to be. Who knows what will actually happen when I get back to school? Will I revert back to my old ways? I sure hope not.

Luckily, my sister is coming up to visit on Wednesday, and she'll be here for a whole week. We're going to drink coffee at our favorite places, go to a show at El Corazon, see a movie, and get into all sorts of shenanigans. I wish she could have been here with me all summer, but I think things happened the way they were supposed to, and I'll get a week with her.

A place of spotty fulfillment and constant wondering.

I want to live at the crossroads where dreams and reality meet. The problem is, I don't know how to get there. It's a place of contentment. A place of happiness and fulfillment and never wondering. In all honesty, I'm not sure this place exists. Or maybe the issue is that I'm so unsure of everything in life that I doubt the existence of such a place. I want to leave a mediocre life and step into something extraordinary. I want things to happen that are important. I want to meet people that will become important in my eyes. I want to wake up every morning thanking God for the life I have the privilege to lead.

Right now, I have none of those things. I live on a road, utterly lost trying to reach the dream with no map or way to navigate myself to its embrace. It's a place of uncertainties. A place of spotty fulfillment and constant wondering. I have no idea how to leave a less-than-wonderful life and get into one that's unbelievable. The things I am experiencing are currently necessary at best, and not the least bit important. Some of the people I'm surrounded by give me the opposite of a reason to seem important to me [though, admittedly, I can't imagine life without a couple others]. I wake up thinking, "What the fuck am I doing?" and asking God the exact same question.

It's a question I don't have an answer to, and probably never will. And God doesn't seem to be offering up any helping hand at the moment. I have so many dreams, hopes, desires. They seem unattainable and unrealistic right now. Sometimes I think they are outlandish and unworthy of any lingering thought. But in reality, maybe this experience is better than having no dreams at all. Dreams, they motivate me, push me to at least attempt things that may seem impossible. I suppose it's an existence more fulfilling than living for, hoping for, reaching for nothing at all. At minimum, I can thank God for that.

In a constant state of over-rest.

What am I doing? I honestly don't know.

Since the day I got home from school for the summer, I've felt absolutely useless. I haven't been lazy in applying to jobs. My count is now up to 21, not including the 5 internships I applied to. I've still had no luck on that front, not even an interview. It's to the point now that even if a place did call, would they hire me knowing I'm leaving in just two short months to go back to school in Spokane? It's highly unlikely. Most places don't want to hire "temporary" workers, and two months is extremely temporary.

I suppose I just feel pretty down about life in general right now. I want to have a job, responsibilities, a schedule, a reason to get out of bed in the morning (or rather, afternoon, as it's been recently). I did get a gym membership, so that's at least given me something productive to do in all of my free time. I've been sleeping in until 1PM, simply because I have no motivation or reason to wake up any earlier. And here I sit, close to 3AM. My body is slowly shifting its awake hours. I didn't go to sleep until 4:15AM last night. I'm tired during the day, but once it gets time to actually go to bed, I'm not sleepy. I think that maybe I'm in a constant state of over-rest, simply because my body is used to functioning on less than 5 or 6 hours of sleep during the school year.

It's a lot harder to be home that I thought it'd be. Before summer started, I hadn't fully realized or come to terms with the fact that most of my friends would be gone. Currently, I have one friend that's home (and one more who's only gone for the weekend). The one friend that is home hasn't returned my texts. It's not so bad to have alone time, at least for the most part. It gives me a lot of time to think and just meditate on life. My issue with the alone time really doesn't surface until the weekend. It's mostly due to knowing that while most people are out on the town with friends, I'm completely alone. And of course my parents invite me to do things with them, and sometimes I agree. Last weekend we saw Toy Story 3. But sometimes, I just can't bear to spend time with them, because it just reminds me of how few friends I truly have. Tonight, I opted to spend my evening alone instead of going to Alki with them. I ended up driving to Capitol Hill to Bauhaus for a nice latte and a good view. I spent a couple hours there reading, people-watching, and enjoying the sunset over the space needle. Even though I was alone, I felt happier doing that than hanging with the 'rents. I think maybe it's because at least I was out in a place around people my own age, even if I wasn't actually with those people.

Summer seems to be ticking by at an almost painstakingly slow rate. It feels like no time has passed at all. But on the other hand, it's almost July, which means only two months left. I'm going to be housesitting for the first full week of July, so that'll keep me busy and break up my boring routine for a little while. Also, my birthday is coming soon. I'm actually trying really hard not to think about that though. Why, you ask? Because in all honesty, I have a feeling it's going to be a pretty miserable birthday. Who knows, maybe life will surprise me, but I have a horrible feeling about it. None of my friends are going to be here. My sister's at least going to take me out to a bar or two, and I'll probably go out to dinner with my family, but no "21 run" for me. And honestly, I don't want to get super smashed on my birthday like some people do, but I wish I'd at least have some friends around. I should be used to it by now. Having a birthday the day after a holiday has always prevented me from celebrating like most people. Too many vacations are planned around the 4th of July for me to ever have all of my friends around. Some "friends" forgot my birthday last year, and I fear that it's going to happen again. My birthday is something I should be excited about, but I'm almost dreading it.

I suppose I'll just have to keep plugging along like I've been doing until Summer's over. I should be happy to have all of this time to relax without a job, but I'd love to feel a sense of purpose in waking up in the morning. I'd much rather be working full time or even part time. I have to believe there's a reason why my summer is turning out this way. I have to believe that.

We were in the middle of the waves.

I’m utterly scared about life right now. I just found out that I didn’t get the internship that I interviewed for a couple weeks ago. I don’t feel too horrible about it, considering I beat out over 150 people, but it still sucks. I mean, I wasn’t relying on that happening, but that was the closest I’ve come to finding work this summer. The record labels that I sent my resume and cover letters to haven’t even responded. I haven’t heard back from any more of the 14 other places I applied to. At this point, I’m just not sure what to do. I suppose I could call back the retail places and see if they have any openings right now. Interning would still be the best thing though! I guess I’m just going to have to play things by ear. The worst thing would be to just repeat last summer and not have any work at all.

These last few months have been pretty rough. The more time that goes by, the more I realize how much I need to be going to church on a regular basis. I haven’t gone consistently since November, and I can see the negative effects of it on my life. It’s hard because I don’t really have a home church any more. I stopped going to my mom’s church (also the church I grew up in) during high school, which is also when I started going to Generation Church. That was perfect for me for a time, but I never felt completely comfortable there. I felt like I couldn’t be myself, couldn’t be honest about my faults. It seemed like everyone there was some sort of perfect Christian with no life issues. The real truth is that no one is perfect. It was utterly frustrating. So now I’m back to square one, and looking for the right church is a huge task. I’ve been going to school in Spokane for three years now and still have yet to find a place that’s just right for me. I’m only home for the summer, so I’m not extremely hopeful that I’ll find something.

The reason I know that I need to start going back is because of how doubtful I’ve been recently. Not doubtful of God’s existence by any means. I can look outside and know that He exists. It’s more just a doubt of His love for me, doubt that He really does have some sort of plan for my life, and most of all a doubt that He’s always with me. I’ve felt so alone for a while now, so alone. You know those times where you literally just cry out “God, where are you?” and don’t get an answer? Yeah...that’s been happening a lot lately. We’re supposed to trust Him with our everything, give up all our worries and stresses, and depend on Him. How can I trust someone who is never here? Who never answers my desperate calls? This is why I need to go to church again. I miss the days of feeling content in Him, because right now, my life is nowhere near content.

It does feel pretty nice to be home for the summer, I must admit. Me and my sister went to Sasquatch this last weekend, which was amazing. Well, actually, we went on saturday, drove home Saturday night, went to folklife on Sunday, drove back to Sasquatch Monday morning, then drove home again on Monday night. It was pretty insane. It was totally worth it though, because we got to see some fantastic bands. Mumford and Sons was one of my favorites for sure. I’ve been really into them for a while now, and they were great live! Also, Vampire Weekend was amazing. They were the last band we saw on Saturday night. They played on the mainstage and we ended up getting pretty close and and in the middle. Everyone was dancing - myself included (WHAT?!), and they were so fun live! I wasn’t too crazy about them before that, but now I pretty much am. I can’t stop listening to them. I can’t stop.

Monday was pretty fun as well. We saw Passion Pit, which was absolutely insane. We were pretty close to the front, but once they started playing, the crowd got so crazy. It was basically a sea of people, and we were in the middle of the waves. It was crazier than any rock or metal concert I’ve been to, and I’ve seen some intense mosh pits. We lost an unopened rock star in the midst of it that had cost seven dollars! After about three songs, we decided to jump ship and just move back a little ways so that we could actually see, have room to dance around, and actually enjoy the show. Once we did that, it was great. After that, we saw She & Him, which was really fun! It was weird seeing Zooey Deschanel close up like that, after seeing her in movies and stuff. Her voice is great. Then, we were going to watch Band of Horses, but we ended up missing about half of their set because we were waiting in line for food. We were still able to see quite a bit of it though, which was good. Then, the last of the day for us was MGMT. I have to say, they were not that great live. They were actually pretty boring, apart from the two songs that everyone went crazy on - Electric Feel and Kids. They played Kids last, and it was so epic. Everyone was dancing around and it was raining. I think that’s the most I’ve danced at a show...ever. Normally I don’t dance, but in that situation, I just couldn’t help it. It was the absolute perfect way to end a great weekend.

As of right now, I don’t know what else this summer holds for me. Hopefully a job soon. There are a lot of shows I want to go to that are coming up...some that I absolutely must go to. For starters, Oceans has their first show in a couple weeks. This band is made up of Ryry and Aaron (ex-Vision & Valor/Holyfield/Tysen), Mike & Devin (ex-Moneta) and one guy I don’t know. At this point, I have no idea what they sound like, I just know that it’s going to be amazing. Plus, they’re playing with The Classic Crime, who I of course, love more than anything. It’s at Showbox Sodo. So, way to go Oceans - they get to have their very first show at a huge venue! Also, I turn 21 in just over one month, and I can’t wait! It’ll be so nice to sit in the bar at shows instead of dealing with the high schoolers and everything.

Summer will likely bring some surprises, and I can’t wait!

All of my technology is friendly to me.

There are 26 days until the semester is completely over! I'll be coming home on may 14th or 15th. The most exciting part is that I get to move most of my stuff into the house that I'm going to be living in next year. I am unbelievably excited to be living off campus next year. I'll get to cook my own food, have people over (not that I can't do that right now) and have roommates while still having my own room. Plus, I feel like living off campus is the step between campus and graduation/living on my own. I'll still be in school and probably working on campus, but I'll be starting to pay my own bills and cook my own food. I'm so excited! I don't know most of my roommates super well, but I think that will be kind of fun. I'll get to meet all sorts of new friends since we're in completely different circles of friends.

Even though there are only a few weeks of school left, I'm super overwhelmed with everything that I have to get done in the remaining class time. I have at least three major projects to do that I have yet to start, in addition to more reading, and a lot more tests. But, I'll get it all done somehow. I always do.

Another reason why I wish the school year would last longer is my fear of summer. I applied for 5 internships and have now applied for 14 jobs at various coffee and retail places. I haven't heard back from any of the internships - not even to recognize that they received my application. It's frustrating because I want it so bad! I worked really hard on my resume and cover letters, so to have it not pay off - at all, is really discouraging. I'm still hoping that I'll hear back from one of them, since it's still relatively early. I've gotten two calls so far from the 14 job applications, one of them didn't pan out because they need someone right now, and I'm still in the process of getting back in contact with the other place that called me back. I don't want to be out of work like I was last summer. It was pretty much the lamest summer of my life. I had applied to 12 places with no luck. I'm hoping by upping my number this year, I'll have better luck. I still want one of the internships more than anything though. I'm just going to have to keep praying about it.

In other news, I got a new cell phone yesterday! My other phone has been having charging issues for about a month now. I've been having to ghetto rig the charger to my phone with rubber bands in order for it to charge. But then it randomly started turning off or restarting, or not sending text messages when I wanted it to. Then one day it randomly turned off in the middle of the night, so my alarm didn't go off and I ended up missing two classes. Lesson learned: always have a back up alarm. So anyway, it finally crapped out on me and stopped charging completely on friday, so I was without a phone for three days. It was surprisingly more inconvenient than you'd think it would be. So Sunday I decided I couldn't wait any more so I went to the Verizon store. They were characteristically unhelpful as per usual. I ended up picking the Motorola Devour, and I have to say that so far, I am in love with it! It works marvelously. The touch screen is a thousand times more responsive than my old phone (a crappy Samsung Glyde), and it runs on android, which is awesome. I've already gotten a few free apps, but haven't explored the selection too much yet. It's just nice to have a phone that I don't have to fight with on a daily basis. Now all of my technology is friendly to me - my lovely new macbook pro and now a new phone! I am a happy girl.

It is just the beginning of a wonderful new relationship.

There are only five weeks left in the semester. This is both wonderful and horrible news. It is wonderful because that means I get to go home soon and not have 8AM classes anymore. It is horrible because I still don't know what I'm going to do this summer. I sent in my resume for four different record label internships in Seattle. I haven't heard back from any of them yet, not even to recognize that they received my resume, and I'm starting to get worried. I think I'm going to email them again on Monday (that will make two weeks since I sent my resumes) just to check in. There are two other internships I'm going to apply for - one is for an advertising agency in Seattle and one is for the City of Seattle as an event promotion internship. Hopefully one of the six will pan out! Some of them probably aren't paid, which would mean I'd still need to try to find a part time job. From what I'm hearing, the job market isn't any better than it was last summer. I wasn't able to find work last summer, even after applying to twelve places, so that worries me as well. I'm praying super hard about all of this! If it's God's will for me to have an internship, it will happen, and I'm trying to do my part.

Tomorrow is Easter. It will be my first Easter away from home. I'm pretty sad about it. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal for me, but I chose not to drive home for the weekend, and I'm kinda upset that I didn't. Spring break was last week, so I didn't want to do the drive two weekends in a row. It's just weird to be here and not with family. My mom said she sent me an easter basket though, which should get here tuesday or wednesday. That will make me feel a little bit better. And I have new glasses coming in the mail that I ordered over spring break.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my last post, but I got a new computer...a macbook pro. It is possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I seriously can't even begin to describe how great it is to have a computer that works so marvelously and doesn't try to fight with me. It is just the beginning of a wonderful new relationship.

Me and Rebecca have been looking into living off campus next year and it looks like it might actually happen! We found a couple girls through a friend of ours and they were looking for two more roommates for the house they're living in right now. We've already looked at the house and met with the girls. We're pretty positive that it'll happen, we're just trying to figure out the logistics with our parents and what not. I'm really excited. It will be nice to live in a house - we can make our own food and share a bathroom with one other person instead of 15! The house is within walking distance of campus so I can walk on nice days, which would be great. All of the girls are super nice, so it should be fun!

I've been realizing lately that though I don't have a large number of friends, the ones I do have are the best I could ask for. Since I started college, some friends that I was really close to have (very unfortunately) drifted away, and I have gotten closer to others that were not the greatest friends before. I've made friendships in college that will hopefully last a very long time. The people I choose to surround myself with are great people, and we always laugh when we're together. I appreciate all of them more than they'll know.

Finding God in the wind blowing through my hair on a sunny day.

I've been working on living my life with no regrets, absolutely none. I think that's really the only way to be happy with life. I find that I spend way too much time wondering what could have, would have, might have been. So instead, I'm trying to say "yes" to any opportunity that comes my way. I rarely find myself saying "I wish I hadn't done that." If I hardly regret actually doing things, why would I say no? Of course, I don't mean that I'm going to say "yes" to drugs or anything that could be potentially harmful. I'm referring to things like hanging out with people I don't know very well, or going to a party where I may not know a lot of people. It's hard for me, being relatively shy around new people, but I'm trying hard to stay open to new opportunities.

This is the end of my wonderful spring break. It's been so great to be home. I got to go to all of my favorite places - el corazon (it's a love/hate relationship) to see Copeland and Deas Vail, Bauhaus three times, victors, pike place, olive garden, panera, chipotle. It's been relaxing. I also went to the park on Wednesday and sat on the swings for almost an hour and a half. It was super sunny out, so I just sat there thinking for a while. I also discovered this great little crepes place in Seattle right by Bauhaus called Saley. It was so cute! There was just one lady working there, but I got a sandwich and a sweet crepe for only $12! It was a great lunch. I spent a lot of my break in downtown Seattle this week, which was nice. It only rained for two days that I was home, so I was able to enjoy some nice sun. I don't want to go back to Spokane. Sometimes I wonder why I decided to go to school so far away.

The older I get, the more I've realized something: I see God in everything. I'm much more likely to find God in the wind blowing through my hair on a sunny day than in some building full of lukewarm Christians. I can see Him in the mountains in the distance, in the budding spring trees, in the rain hitting my window as I fall asleep, or in the outstretched road ahead. I've learned to appreciate the beauty in the little things.

I even get to play roller coaster tycoon.

So guess what? My computer most definitely crashed again. This time I lost everything I hadn't backed up. Let's just say I hadn't backed it up in a solid couple months. It was so fantastic. Right now, Vista won't even run on my computer. It installed all the way through but refuses to load. At least Ubuntu is working, and I'm loving it. I think whenever I get a new computer, I will dual install so I can use Ubuntu as well as windows or the mac os, depending on what I end up getting. I feel like there's so much more you can do, and there are a bunch of free programs that are super easy to download. And, you don't feel like your computer is going to blow up because of downloading things.

I am currently in the midst of midterms. I already had two midterms today, neither of which went as well as I was hoping they would. But who knows, maybe I did better than I'm thinking. Then tomorrow, I have a group sales presentation. It doesn't seem like it will be too intense, but I hate any and all kinds of public speaking, so I know I will get nervous for it, as much as I don't want to. After that, I have to lead another marketing study session for the class I'm TAing for, and then the rest of my week will be wonderful. I even get to play roller coaster tycoon in my product and pricing management class. why? Who knows! My professor claims there's some sort of educational aspect to it, and we have to do some sort of write up, but he hasn't really told us what that is. I'm just excited because I haven't played that game in years! I remember when I was younger, I would make the roller coasters super intense so everyone would throw up when they got off. Oh, the joys of childhood.

Everything in my power to make it happen.

Jan term is over and spring term starts tomorrow. Part of me is super excited to start new classes. Well, that's not true. Most of me is excited to get started. The other part of me wishes I could just stay at home in Seattle and be done with this back and forth business.

I'm going to get an appointment this week at the career center to work on my resume. I am going to try to get an internship at a record label this summer in Seattle. There are a few I'm looking at and plan to apply to. I'm going to do everything in my power to make it happen, and the first step is putting a resume together. It's kind of stressing me out because I don't have much that I can put on it. Since the only thing these labels will look at is my resume, I'm worried that I won't even be considered. But, like I said, I'm going to work with what I've got and see if I can make something happen, since this is my passion. It's what I want to do with my life, and an internship will just help me get there. And, of course, help me learn a ton about the industry.

The thought that I'm only a year or so away from finishing college is extremely overwhelming to me. I've got three semesters left, including the one that starts tomorrow. It's exciting and scary. I kind of just wish I could skip over the awkward after-graduation phase...the looking for a job and a place to live phase, and cut right to the having a job that pays enough for me to live in downtown Seattle with a cat and maybe a roommate or two phase.

Anti-Winter.

I've been impressed by this anti-winter that Spokane has presented to me. Right now, in the middle of January, I am wearing jeans, a tank top, a relatively light hoodie, and flats without socks. I mean, honestly, could I have asked or wished for a more perfect winter? I normally dread coming back to campus after Christmas break, back to the cold and snow, back to being stuck on campus because of my car that's incapable of dealing with snow or ice. I was fully expecting to have to bundle up each morning, strap on my snow boots, tie a scarf around my neck, and put gloves on my hands. We've only had a couple days below twenty degrees, and for the last week or so, it's been in the high 30's. I couldn't be happier. I fully believe that seasonal affective disorder exists and I've most definitely experienced it in the last two winters in Spokane, but not this year! I'm happy as can be, and don't want janterm to end.

It's awfully nice to only have one class at a time. Even though I have the same class every day for three hours, it hasn't gotten boring yet. I'm so glad I chose to take this psychology class. Sleeping and dreaming are subjects we don't normally spend much time thinking about. We all do it - everyone on the planet, and yet, it's something most people don't know anything about. Even the research I'm reading is still a lot of speculation, but it's interesting nonetheless. My yoga class is going great also. It's a much more intense workout than I ever imagined! My muscles are getting tested like I never would have believed. My quads literally got killed today. My legs are still like jello from the workout four hours ago, but it's a good feeling. I like being active, doing something to challenge my body. I'm also really flexible, so yoga was definitely a good choice.

I'm in the process of writing my first and last paper for my Sleep and Dreams class. I'm writing it in argument of Freud's theory that our dreams are really a way for us to fulfill wishes, that is, unconscious wishes that we don't know we have. Not to mention the many arguments against this, it's pretty obvious to me that I don't secretly have a wished to be chased or killed. I hope my paper turns out. I haven't found any really useful psych journals, so I'm hoping I'll be able to find some sources.

I don't want janterm to end. There's less than a week and a half left, only six days of class. I really like the people in my class, and it's just such an interesting subject! Though, I must admit, I am excited for most of the classes I'm going to be taking in the spring. I was finally able to get into the photoshop class. I haven't really used the program since junior year of high school, so I'm hoping I enjoy it as much as I remember. I'll also be taking a few business classes, and a 100 level communications class, which will be my one easy class. Then of course, I have guitar lessons and radio class, which are two one-credit classes. I'll be much less stressed than last semester without physics in my life. That class was crazy hard, and I had to devote so much time to it. Plus, I had a three hour lab that I won't have next semester.

It's starting to become real that I'm almost done with college. Well, I mean, I still have some time left, but there are only three semesters until I am done. I'm trying not to think about it, since I have no idea what I'm going to do after college.

I have resolved to not hold back.

I believe I said this last year as well, but I generally disrespect new year's resolutions. Why? Because, for the most part, people don't keep them. People make them and tell others about all of the wonderful things they've resolved to accomplish in the coming year, usually looking for encouragement or applause from the people they brag to. I don't see why January 1st is so important. It's just another day that happens to be the first day of a new calendar year. Does it really symbolize new beginnings? Maybe for some. It would take a much more dedicated person to make half-year's resolutions, or quarter year's resolutions, or random day's resolutions. Why does it have to be the start of a new year in order for people to resolve to be better?

But, I will admit, that despite my hatred for new year's resolutions, I have resolved to not hold back. I don't want to be shy (even though I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be) all the time. I want to make more friends, I want to experience everything I possibly can. I don't want to miss out on any opportunities that come my way. I don't want to look back and have any regrets. I turn 21 this year, and I'll be starting my senior year of college in September. It's going to be a big year, and I want it to be one that I won't forget.

Janterm started yesterday. I'm taking psychology of sleep & dreams and yoga. Best janterm ever? I'm thinking yes. y.e.s. We've only had two days of class, so I'm hoping it keeps going as well as it has been. Who knows? it could turn into a horrible situation or become extremely boring, but so far, it's been good. Although, I did fall asleep on the first day of class, aaaaand I'm pretty sure the professor saw me. I felt so bad, and that's never an impression I want to give on the first day. The work load is much more intense than I thought it would be - a lot of reading and lots of reading questions. It took a lot longer than I thought it would, and tonight's assignment is longer than last nights. Luckily, we only have one test and one paper for the class, which is super nice. The amount of homework is most definitely doable, but the issue right now is my utter lack of motivation to do it. I would much rather just nap, read books, and watch movies. It's crazy to think that I only have three more weeks until janterm is over and I'm home for a short break again. I have to keep reminding myself of this so I don't get overwhelmed.

Christmas break went by much too quickly. I got to see my lovelies in the classic crime, which is always a delight. Seriously, that band will never get old to me, ever. They put on a live show that will blow your mind up. Daphne loves derby played with them, and it was my first time seeing them, which was fun. Unfortunately, since me and my sister got to the venue late, assuming we'd only missed one band, we missed Moneta's set. We thought they were playing third, when they ended up playing second, and the show started earlier than we had been told. It was super lame, but it was still an awesome night. I spent a lot of time at my favorite coffee shops while I was home. Bauhaus and Victor's for life! I also played my guitar and sang in front of an audience for the first time in my life. My sister and I wrote a Christmas song that we performed at my mom's church/my old church the Sunday before Christmas. I was extremely nervous, but it ended up being pretty fun. Christmas is always nice with the family, and new year's eve was an uneventful occasion, as usual. It was a nice relaxing break though, which is what I needed. I'm surprisingly glad to be back at school, despite the fact that most of my friends are studying abroad for Janterm. I've been more cheerful than I thought I would be, and there aren't feet of snow on the ground, which always makes me happy. Even though I've been eating meals alone and haven't done anything exciting or super social (besides watching the bachelor last night with a friend...what can I say? It's a guilty pleasure), I'm still in an awesome mood. We'll see how I feel in three weeks though. I'm sure I'll be lonely and bored out of my mind by the time I go home again.