Moving on to better things.

I've moved my blog here:


http://maddiehayes.tumblr.com


You can effectively stalk me there.

Time to myself to just think.

It's almost impossible for me to believe that I only have a month left at home. I'm really excited to move into my new house off campus and get back into the school thing. Learning just straight up feeds my mind in the best way, and I don't like to be stagnant.

I'm currently at starbucks in Kirkland, enjoying the free wifi (finally, starbucks, honestly. I think every other coffee shop in the country caught on before you) and late-night coffee. I wouldn't have come, if it weren't for the treat receipt I got this morning. I don't need the coffee, so I got decaf, but it still tastes lovely. I was home for a couple hours this evening after getting back from visiting with friends in Tacoma, and I already almost lost my mind. This was also a major reason why I decided to head to the bux. I needed to get out, get away, get some time to myself to just think. Of course, I'm not really by "myself," when I'm sitting in a crowded, obnoxiously loud Starbucks, but this is my thing. Whenever I need to get away, I go to a coffee shop - any one that's open and good.

I've also come to the realization that I hate the "party" scene. Well, this wasn't a recent realization, just more of a confirmation of a realization I had many years ago. Throughout my life, I've just never had the desire to get into any sort of drunken escapades. It wasn't until recently that I accepted the fact that there's really no harm in a few drinks. But to be perfectly honest, I just don't think sitting in a house with a bunch of drunk people attempting to throw ping pong balls into cups of beer sounds like fun. Now that I'm 21, I enjoy going out to some classy bars in Seattle for a couple drinks with friends, or having a drink at home. But on the other hand, I've spent too much of my life being uptight and overly goody-goody. I know I need to learn how to loosen up a bit and just have fun.

This coming school year will bring many changes in my life. I'm sure of it. I feel like I've matured and changed this summer. I've had to get to a point where I am okay with myself, since I've spent the majority of the summer alone. I was scared that this summer would be miserable (and some times were arguably so), but I've spent a lot of time alone, reflecting, thinking, and changing. I want to go out and be a confident woman, instead of the meek person I feel I used to be. Who knows what will actually happen when I get back to school? Will I revert back to my old ways? I sure hope not.

Luckily, my sister is coming up to visit on Wednesday, and she'll be here for a whole week. We're going to drink coffee at our favorite places, go to a show at El Corazon, see a movie, and get into all sorts of shenanigans. I wish she could have been here with me all summer, but I think things happened the way they were supposed to, and I'll get a week with her.

A place of spotty fulfillment and constant wondering.

I want to live at the crossroads where dreams and reality meet. The problem is, I don't know how to get there. It's a place of contentment. A place of happiness and fulfillment and never wondering. In all honesty, I'm not sure this place exists. Or maybe the issue is that I'm so unsure of everything in life that I doubt the existence of such a place. I want to leave a mediocre life and step into something extraordinary. I want things to happen that are important. I want to meet people that will become important in my eyes. I want to wake up every morning thanking God for the life I have the privilege to lead.

Right now, I have none of those things. I live on a road, utterly lost trying to reach the dream with no map or way to navigate myself to its embrace. It's a place of uncertainties. A place of spotty fulfillment and constant wondering. I have no idea how to leave a less-than-wonderful life and get into one that's unbelievable. The things I am experiencing are currently necessary at best, and not the least bit important. Some of the people I'm surrounded by give me the opposite of a reason to seem important to me [though, admittedly, I can't imagine life without a couple others]. I wake up thinking, "What the fuck am I doing?" and asking God the exact same question.

It's a question I don't have an answer to, and probably never will. And God doesn't seem to be offering up any helping hand at the moment. I have so many dreams, hopes, desires. They seem unattainable and unrealistic right now. Sometimes I think they are outlandish and unworthy of any lingering thought. But in reality, maybe this experience is better than having no dreams at all. Dreams, they motivate me, push me to at least attempt things that may seem impossible. I suppose it's an existence more fulfilling than living for, hoping for, reaching for nothing at all. At minimum, I can thank God for that.

In a constant state of over-rest.

What am I doing? I honestly don't know.

Since the day I got home from school for the summer, I've felt absolutely useless. I haven't been lazy in applying to jobs. My count is now up to 21, not including the 5 internships I applied to. I've still had no luck on that front, not even an interview. It's to the point now that even if a place did call, would they hire me knowing I'm leaving in just two short months to go back to school in Spokane? It's highly unlikely. Most places don't want to hire "temporary" workers, and two months is extremely temporary.

I suppose I just feel pretty down about life in general right now. I want to have a job, responsibilities, a schedule, a reason to get out of bed in the morning (or rather, afternoon, as it's been recently). I did get a gym membership, so that's at least given me something productive to do in all of my free time. I've been sleeping in until 1PM, simply because I have no motivation or reason to wake up any earlier. And here I sit, close to 3AM. My body is slowly shifting its awake hours. I didn't go to sleep until 4:15AM last night. I'm tired during the day, but once it gets time to actually go to bed, I'm not sleepy. I think that maybe I'm in a constant state of over-rest, simply because my body is used to functioning on less than 5 or 6 hours of sleep during the school year.

It's a lot harder to be home that I thought it'd be. Before summer started, I hadn't fully realized or come to terms with the fact that most of my friends would be gone. Currently, I have one friend that's home (and one more who's only gone for the weekend). The one friend that is home hasn't returned my texts. It's not so bad to have alone time, at least for the most part. It gives me a lot of time to think and just meditate on life. My issue with the alone time really doesn't surface until the weekend. It's mostly due to knowing that while most people are out on the town with friends, I'm completely alone. And of course my parents invite me to do things with them, and sometimes I agree. Last weekend we saw Toy Story 3. But sometimes, I just can't bear to spend time with them, because it just reminds me of how few friends I truly have. Tonight, I opted to spend my evening alone instead of going to Alki with them. I ended up driving to Capitol Hill to Bauhaus for a nice latte and a good view. I spent a couple hours there reading, people-watching, and enjoying the sunset over the space needle. Even though I was alone, I felt happier doing that than hanging with the 'rents. I think maybe it's because at least I was out in a place around people my own age, even if I wasn't actually with those people.

Summer seems to be ticking by at an almost painstakingly slow rate. It feels like no time has passed at all. But on the other hand, it's almost July, which means only two months left. I'm going to be housesitting for the first full week of July, so that'll keep me busy and break up my boring routine for a little while. Also, my birthday is coming soon. I'm actually trying really hard not to think about that though. Why, you ask? Because in all honesty, I have a feeling it's going to be a pretty miserable birthday. Who knows, maybe life will surprise me, but I have a horrible feeling about it. None of my friends are going to be here. My sister's at least going to take me out to a bar or two, and I'll probably go out to dinner with my family, but no "21 run" for me. And honestly, I don't want to get super smashed on my birthday like some people do, but I wish I'd at least have some friends around. I should be used to it by now. Having a birthday the day after a holiday has always prevented me from celebrating like most people. Too many vacations are planned around the 4th of July for me to ever have all of my friends around. Some "friends" forgot my birthday last year, and I fear that it's going to happen again. My birthday is something I should be excited about, but I'm almost dreading it.

I suppose I'll just have to keep plugging along like I've been doing until Summer's over. I should be happy to have all of this time to relax without a job, but I'd love to feel a sense of purpose in waking up in the morning. I'd much rather be working full time or even part time. I have to believe there's a reason why my summer is turning out this way. I have to believe that.

We were in the middle of the waves.

I’m utterly scared about life right now. I just found out that I didn’t get the internship that I interviewed for a couple weeks ago. I don’t feel too horrible about it, considering I beat out over 150 people, but it still sucks. I mean, I wasn’t relying on that happening, but that was the closest I’ve come to finding work this summer. The record labels that I sent my resume and cover letters to haven’t even responded. I haven’t heard back from any more of the 14 other places I applied to. At this point, I’m just not sure what to do. I suppose I could call back the retail places and see if they have any openings right now. Interning would still be the best thing though! I guess I’m just going to have to play things by ear. The worst thing would be to just repeat last summer and not have any work at all.

These last few months have been pretty rough. The more time that goes by, the more I realize how much I need to be going to church on a regular basis. I haven’t gone consistently since November, and I can see the negative effects of it on my life. It’s hard because I don’t really have a home church any more. I stopped going to my mom’s church (also the church I grew up in) during high school, which is also when I started going to Generation Church. That was perfect for me for a time, but I never felt completely comfortable there. I felt like I couldn’t be myself, couldn’t be honest about my faults. It seemed like everyone there was some sort of perfect Christian with no life issues. The real truth is that no one is perfect. It was utterly frustrating. So now I’m back to square one, and looking for the right church is a huge task. I’ve been going to school in Spokane for three years now and still have yet to find a place that’s just right for me. I’m only home for the summer, so I’m not extremely hopeful that I’ll find something.

The reason I know that I need to start going back is because of how doubtful I’ve been recently. Not doubtful of God’s existence by any means. I can look outside and know that He exists. It’s more just a doubt of His love for me, doubt that He really does have some sort of plan for my life, and most of all a doubt that He’s always with me. I’ve felt so alone for a while now, so alone. You know those times where you literally just cry out “God, where are you?” and don’t get an answer? Yeah...that’s been happening a lot lately. We’re supposed to trust Him with our everything, give up all our worries and stresses, and depend on Him. How can I trust someone who is never here? Who never answers my desperate calls? This is why I need to go to church again. I miss the days of feeling content in Him, because right now, my life is nowhere near content.

It does feel pretty nice to be home for the summer, I must admit. Me and my sister went to Sasquatch this last weekend, which was amazing. Well, actually, we went on saturday, drove home Saturday night, went to folklife on Sunday, drove back to Sasquatch Monday morning, then drove home again on Monday night. It was pretty insane. It was totally worth it though, because we got to see some fantastic bands. Mumford and Sons was one of my favorites for sure. I’ve been really into them for a while now, and they were great live! Also, Vampire Weekend was amazing. They were the last band we saw on Saturday night. They played on the mainstage and we ended up getting pretty close and and in the middle. Everyone was dancing - myself included (WHAT?!), and they were so fun live! I wasn’t too crazy about them before that, but now I pretty much am. I can’t stop listening to them. I can’t stop.

Monday was pretty fun as well. We saw Passion Pit, which was absolutely insane. We were pretty close to the front, but once they started playing, the crowd got so crazy. It was basically a sea of people, and we were in the middle of the waves. It was crazier than any rock or metal concert I’ve been to, and I’ve seen some intense mosh pits. We lost an unopened rock star in the midst of it that had cost seven dollars! After about three songs, we decided to jump ship and just move back a little ways so that we could actually see, have room to dance around, and actually enjoy the show. Once we did that, it was great. After that, we saw She & Him, which was really fun! It was weird seeing Zooey Deschanel close up like that, after seeing her in movies and stuff. Her voice is great. Then, we were going to watch Band of Horses, but we ended up missing about half of their set because we were waiting in line for food. We were still able to see quite a bit of it though, which was good. Then, the last of the day for us was MGMT. I have to say, they were not that great live. They were actually pretty boring, apart from the two songs that everyone went crazy on - Electric Feel and Kids. They played Kids last, and it was so epic. Everyone was dancing around and it was raining. I think that’s the most I’ve danced at a show...ever. Normally I don’t dance, but in that situation, I just couldn’t help it. It was the absolute perfect way to end a great weekend.

As of right now, I don’t know what else this summer holds for me. Hopefully a job soon. There are a lot of shows I want to go to that are coming up...some that I absolutely must go to. For starters, Oceans has their first show in a couple weeks. This band is made up of Ryry and Aaron (ex-Vision & Valor/Holyfield/Tysen), Mike & Devin (ex-Moneta) and one guy I don’t know. At this point, I have no idea what they sound like, I just know that it’s going to be amazing. Plus, they’re playing with The Classic Crime, who I of course, love more than anything. It’s at Showbox Sodo. So, way to go Oceans - they get to have their very first show at a huge venue! Also, I turn 21 in just over one month, and I can’t wait! It’ll be so nice to sit in the bar at shows instead of dealing with the high schoolers and everything.

Summer will likely bring some surprises, and I can’t wait!

All of my technology is friendly to me.

There are 26 days until the semester is completely over! I'll be coming home on may 14th or 15th. The most exciting part is that I get to move most of my stuff into the house that I'm going to be living in next year. I am unbelievably excited to be living off campus next year. I'll get to cook my own food, have people over (not that I can't do that right now) and have roommates while still having my own room. Plus, I feel like living off campus is the step between campus and graduation/living on my own. I'll still be in school and probably working on campus, but I'll be starting to pay my own bills and cook my own food. I'm so excited! I don't know most of my roommates super well, but I think that will be kind of fun. I'll get to meet all sorts of new friends since we're in completely different circles of friends.

Even though there are only a few weeks of school left, I'm super overwhelmed with everything that I have to get done in the remaining class time. I have at least three major projects to do that I have yet to start, in addition to more reading, and a lot more tests. But, I'll get it all done somehow. I always do.

Another reason why I wish the school year would last longer is my fear of summer. I applied for 5 internships and have now applied for 14 jobs at various coffee and retail places. I haven't heard back from any of the internships - not even to recognize that they received my application. It's frustrating because I want it so bad! I worked really hard on my resume and cover letters, so to have it not pay off - at all, is really discouraging. I'm still hoping that I'll hear back from one of them, since it's still relatively early. I've gotten two calls so far from the 14 job applications, one of them didn't pan out because they need someone right now, and I'm still in the process of getting back in contact with the other place that called me back. I don't want to be out of work like I was last summer. It was pretty much the lamest summer of my life. I had applied to 12 places with no luck. I'm hoping by upping my number this year, I'll have better luck. I still want one of the internships more than anything though. I'm just going to have to keep praying about it.

In other news, I got a new cell phone yesterday! My other phone has been having charging issues for about a month now. I've been having to ghetto rig the charger to my phone with rubber bands in order for it to charge. But then it randomly started turning off or restarting, or not sending text messages when I wanted it to. Then one day it randomly turned off in the middle of the night, so my alarm didn't go off and I ended up missing two classes. Lesson learned: always have a back up alarm. So anyway, it finally crapped out on me and stopped charging completely on friday, so I was without a phone for three days. It was surprisingly more inconvenient than you'd think it would be. So Sunday I decided I couldn't wait any more so I went to the Verizon store. They were characteristically unhelpful as per usual. I ended up picking the Motorola Devour, and I have to say that so far, I am in love with it! It works marvelously. The touch screen is a thousand times more responsive than my old phone (a crappy Samsung Glyde), and it runs on android, which is awesome. I've already gotten a few free apps, but haven't explored the selection too much yet. It's just nice to have a phone that I don't have to fight with on a daily basis. Now all of my technology is friendly to me - my lovely new macbook pro and now a new phone! I am a happy girl.

It is just the beginning of a wonderful new relationship.

There are only five weeks left in the semester. This is both wonderful and horrible news. It is wonderful because that means I get to go home soon and not have 8AM classes anymore. It is horrible because I still don't know what I'm going to do this summer. I sent in my resume for four different record label internships in Seattle. I haven't heard back from any of them yet, not even to recognize that they received my resume, and I'm starting to get worried. I think I'm going to email them again on Monday (that will make two weeks since I sent my resumes) just to check in. There are two other internships I'm going to apply for - one is for an advertising agency in Seattle and one is for the City of Seattle as an event promotion internship. Hopefully one of the six will pan out! Some of them probably aren't paid, which would mean I'd still need to try to find a part time job. From what I'm hearing, the job market isn't any better than it was last summer. I wasn't able to find work last summer, even after applying to twelve places, so that worries me as well. I'm praying super hard about all of this! If it's God's will for me to have an internship, it will happen, and I'm trying to do my part.

Tomorrow is Easter. It will be my first Easter away from home. I'm pretty sad about it. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal for me, but I chose not to drive home for the weekend, and I'm kinda upset that I didn't. Spring break was last week, so I didn't want to do the drive two weekends in a row. It's just weird to be here and not with family. My mom said she sent me an easter basket though, which should get here tuesday or wednesday. That will make me feel a little bit better. And I have new glasses coming in the mail that I ordered over spring break.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my last post, but I got a new computer...a macbook pro. It is possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I seriously can't even begin to describe how great it is to have a computer that works so marvelously and doesn't try to fight with me. It is just the beginning of a wonderful new relationship.

Me and Rebecca have been looking into living off campus next year and it looks like it might actually happen! We found a couple girls through a friend of ours and they were looking for two more roommates for the house they're living in right now. We've already looked at the house and met with the girls. We're pretty positive that it'll happen, we're just trying to figure out the logistics with our parents and what not. I'm really excited. It will be nice to live in a house - we can make our own food and share a bathroom with one other person instead of 15! The house is within walking distance of campus so I can walk on nice days, which would be great. All of the girls are super nice, so it should be fun!

I've been realizing lately that though I don't have a large number of friends, the ones I do have are the best I could ask for. Since I started college, some friends that I was really close to have (very unfortunately) drifted away, and I have gotten closer to others that were not the greatest friends before. I've made friendships in college that will hopefully last a very long time. The people I choose to surround myself with are great people, and we always laugh when we're together. I appreciate all of them more than they'll know.

Finding God in the wind blowing through my hair on a sunny day.

I've been working on living my life with no regrets, absolutely none. I think that's really the only way to be happy with life. I find that I spend way too much time wondering what could have, would have, might have been. So instead, I'm trying to say "yes" to any opportunity that comes my way. I rarely find myself saying "I wish I hadn't done that." If I hardly regret actually doing things, why would I say no? Of course, I don't mean that I'm going to say "yes" to drugs or anything that could be potentially harmful. I'm referring to things like hanging out with people I don't know very well, or going to a party where I may not know a lot of people. It's hard for me, being relatively shy around new people, but I'm trying hard to stay open to new opportunities.

This is the end of my wonderful spring break. It's been so great to be home. I got to go to all of my favorite places - el corazon (it's a love/hate relationship) to see Copeland and Deas Vail, Bauhaus three times, victors, pike place, olive garden, panera, chipotle. It's been relaxing. I also went to the park on Wednesday and sat on the swings for almost an hour and a half. It was super sunny out, so I just sat there thinking for a while. I also discovered this great little crepes place in Seattle right by Bauhaus called Saley. It was so cute! There was just one lady working there, but I got a sandwich and a sweet crepe for only $12! It was a great lunch. I spent a lot of my break in downtown Seattle this week, which was nice. It only rained for two days that I was home, so I was able to enjoy some nice sun. I don't want to go back to Spokane. Sometimes I wonder why I decided to go to school so far away.

The older I get, the more I've realized something: I see God in everything. I'm much more likely to find God in the wind blowing through my hair on a sunny day than in some building full of lukewarm Christians. I can see Him in the mountains in the distance, in the budding spring trees, in the rain hitting my window as I fall asleep, or in the outstretched road ahead. I've learned to appreciate the beauty in the little things.

I even get to play roller coaster tycoon.

So guess what? My computer most definitely crashed again. This time I lost everything I hadn't backed up. Let's just say I hadn't backed it up in a solid couple months. It was so fantastic. Right now, Vista won't even run on my computer. It installed all the way through but refuses to load. At least Ubuntu is working, and I'm loving it. I think whenever I get a new computer, I will dual install so I can use Ubuntu as well as windows or the mac os, depending on what I end up getting. I feel like there's so much more you can do, and there are a bunch of free programs that are super easy to download. And, you don't feel like your computer is going to blow up because of downloading things.

I am currently in the midst of midterms. I already had two midterms today, neither of which went as well as I was hoping they would. But who knows, maybe I did better than I'm thinking. Then tomorrow, I have a group sales presentation. It doesn't seem like it will be too intense, but I hate any and all kinds of public speaking, so I know I will get nervous for it, as much as I don't want to. After that, I have to lead another marketing study session for the class I'm TAing for, and then the rest of my week will be wonderful. I even get to play roller coaster tycoon in my product and pricing management class. why? Who knows! My professor claims there's some sort of educational aspect to it, and we have to do some sort of write up, but he hasn't really told us what that is. I'm just excited because I haven't played that game in years! I remember when I was younger, I would make the roller coasters super intense so everyone would throw up when they got off. Oh, the joys of childhood.

Everything in my power to make it happen.

Jan term is over and spring term starts tomorrow. Part of me is super excited to start new classes. Well, that's not true. Most of me is excited to get started. The other part of me wishes I could just stay at home in Seattle and be done with this back and forth business.

I'm going to get an appointment this week at the career center to work on my resume. I am going to try to get an internship at a record label this summer in Seattle. There are a few I'm looking at and plan to apply to. I'm going to do everything in my power to make it happen, and the first step is putting a resume together. It's kind of stressing me out because I don't have much that I can put on it. Since the only thing these labels will look at is my resume, I'm worried that I won't even be considered. But, like I said, I'm going to work with what I've got and see if I can make something happen, since this is my passion. It's what I want to do with my life, and an internship will just help me get there. And, of course, help me learn a ton about the industry.

The thought that I'm only a year or so away from finishing college is extremely overwhelming to me. I've got three semesters left, including the one that starts tomorrow. It's exciting and scary. I kind of just wish I could skip over the awkward after-graduation phase...the looking for a job and a place to live phase, and cut right to the having a job that pays enough for me to live in downtown Seattle with a cat and maybe a roommate or two phase.

Anti-Winter.

I've been impressed by this anti-winter that Spokane has presented to me. Right now, in the middle of January, I am wearing jeans, a tank top, a relatively light hoodie, and flats without socks. I mean, honestly, could I have asked or wished for a more perfect winter? I normally dread coming back to campus after Christmas break, back to the cold and snow, back to being stuck on campus because of my car that's incapable of dealing with snow or ice. I was fully expecting to have to bundle up each morning, strap on my snow boots, tie a scarf around my neck, and put gloves on my hands. We've only had a couple days below twenty degrees, and for the last week or so, it's been in the high 30's. I couldn't be happier. I fully believe that seasonal affective disorder exists and I've most definitely experienced it in the last two winters in Spokane, but not this year! I'm happy as can be, and don't want janterm to end.

It's awfully nice to only have one class at a time. Even though I have the same class every day for three hours, it hasn't gotten boring yet. I'm so glad I chose to take this psychology class. Sleeping and dreaming are subjects we don't normally spend much time thinking about. We all do it - everyone on the planet, and yet, it's something most people don't know anything about. Even the research I'm reading is still a lot of speculation, but it's interesting nonetheless. My yoga class is going great also. It's a much more intense workout than I ever imagined! My muscles are getting tested like I never would have believed. My quads literally got killed today. My legs are still like jello from the workout four hours ago, but it's a good feeling. I like being active, doing something to challenge my body. I'm also really flexible, so yoga was definitely a good choice.

I'm in the process of writing my first and last paper for my Sleep and Dreams class. I'm writing it in argument of Freud's theory that our dreams are really a way for us to fulfill wishes, that is, unconscious wishes that we don't know we have. Not to mention the many arguments against this, it's pretty obvious to me that I don't secretly have a wished to be chased or killed. I hope my paper turns out. I haven't found any really useful psych journals, so I'm hoping I'll be able to find some sources.

I don't want janterm to end. There's less than a week and a half left, only six days of class. I really like the people in my class, and it's just such an interesting subject! Though, I must admit, I am excited for most of the classes I'm going to be taking in the spring. I was finally able to get into the photoshop class. I haven't really used the program since junior year of high school, so I'm hoping I enjoy it as much as I remember. I'll also be taking a few business classes, and a 100 level communications class, which will be my one easy class. Then of course, I have guitar lessons and radio class, which are two one-credit classes. I'll be much less stressed than last semester without physics in my life. That class was crazy hard, and I had to devote so much time to it. Plus, I had a three hour lab that I won't have next semester.

It's starting to become real that I'm almost done with college. Well, I mean, I still have some time left, but there are only three semesters until I am done. I'm trying not to think about it, since I have no idea what I'm going to do after college.

I have resolved to not hold back.

I believe I said this last year as well, but I generally disrespect new year's resolutions. Why? Because, for the most part, people don't keep them. People make them and tell others about all of the wonderful things they've resolved to accomplish in the coming year, usually looking for encouragement or applause from the people they brag to. I don't see why January 1st is so important. It's just another day that happens to be the first day of a new calendar year. Does it really symbolize new beginnings? Maybe for some. It would take a much more dedicated person to make half-year's resolutions, or quarter year's resolutions, or random day's resolutions. Why does it have to be the start of a new year in order for people to resolve to be better?

But, I will admit, that despite my hatred for new year's resolutions, I have resolved to not hold back. I don't want to be shy (even though I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be) all the time. I want to make more friends, I want to experience everything I possibly can. I don't want to miss out on any opportunities that come my way. I don't want to look back and have any regrets. I turn 21 this year, and I'll be starting my senior year of college in September. It's going to be a big year, and I want it to be one that I won't forget.

Janterm started yesterday. I'm taking psychology of sleep & dreams and yoga. Best janterm ever? I'm thinking yes. y.e.s. We've only had two days of class, so I'm hoping it keeps going as well as it has been. Who knows? it could turn into a horrible situation or become extremely boring, but so far, it's been good. Although, I did fall asleep on the first day of class, aaaaand I'm pretty sure the professor saw me. I felt so bad, and that's never an impression I want to give on the first day. The work load is much more intense than I thought it would be - a lot of reading and lots of reading questions. It took a lot longer than I thought it would, and tonight's assignment is longer than last nights. Luckily, we only have one test and one paper for the class, which is super nice. The amount of homework is most definitely doable, but the issue right now is my utter lack of motivation to do it. I would much rather just nap, read books, and watch movies. It's crazy to think that I only have three more weeks until janterm is over and I'm home for a short break again. I have to keep reminding myself of this so I don't get overwhelmed.

Christmas break went by much too quickly. I got to see my lovelies in the classic crime, which is always a delight. Seriously, that band will never get old to me, ever. They put on a live show that will blow your mind up. Daphne loves derby played with them, and it was my first time seeing them, which was fun. Unfortunately, since me and my sister got to the venue late, assuming we'd only missed one band, we missed Moneta's set. We thought they were playing third, when they ended up playing second, and the show started earlier than we had been told. It was super lame, but it was still an awesome night. I spent a lot of time at my favorite coffee shops while I was home. Bauhaus and Victor's for life! I also played my guitar and sang in front of an audience for the first time in my life. My sister and I wrote a Christmas song that we performed at my mom's church/my old church the Sunday before Christmas. I was extremely nervous, but it ended up being pretty fun. Christmas is always nice with the family, and new year's eve was an uneventful occasion, as usual. It was a nice relaxing break though, which is what I needed. I'm surprisingly glad to be back at school, despite the fact that most of my friends are studying abroad for Janterm. I've been more cheerful than I thought I would be, and there aren't feet of snow on the ground, which always makes me happy. Even though I've been eating meals alone and haven't done anything exciting or super social (besides watching the bachelor last night with a friend...what can I say? It's a guilty pleasure), I'm still in an awesome mood. We'll see how I feel in three weeks though. I'm sure I'll be lonely and bored out of my mind by the time I go home again.

I won't stop until I'm old and can't dream any more.

I have a feeling I'm going to regret taking that two and a half hour nap this evening. It's after one in the morning and I am wide awake. I don't know why I do this to myself.

Tomorrow is Friday, and in one week from tomorrow, I will be on my way home back to beautiful Seattle for two weeks. The Christmas spirit is finally starting to overcome me, and I couldn't be happier. This is my favorite time of year, and not because of presents. The decorations, the lights, the music, the warm sweaters and scarves, the trees and how they smell, the home-cooked meals, the happiness all around, all make this my favorite time of year. Christmas also means time with family and people I care about. It also means a break from school, which is especially welcome after a stressful last few weeks of the semester and finals.

I have also recently decided that the only day of the year that it is acceptable to snow on is Christmas day. There is just something magical about waking up on Christmas morning to look out your window and see the lovely Washington evergreens covered in a light blanket of white powder. There's no where to go, and I can sit with my family around the fireplace with the dogs sleeping by our sides, open presents, and enjoy the day in my pajamas. Of course, if it continues to snow for the next few days, this is not an ideal situation. but, it is acceptable.

I'm just so ready to be back home, in a place that feels right. I must admit that Spokane has grown on me, but Seattle has always, and will always be home to me. Though Spokane works for a while, a little part of me is always longing for home. This is especially true around the holidays. I absolutely cannot imagine being anywhere else this time of year.

The semester is waning, which my mind can't quite wrap itself around. Where have the last three months gone? because they're all a blur in my mind, and I can't slow the time down enough to actually see any part of it. I don't know if this is good or bad. There are some parts that I wish would just glaze over in my memory, but refuse to do so, and ultimately stick out like reminders of mistakes that simply won't abandon me. Other parts seem like fleeting moments that I wish would stick to my memory like superglue. In the end, I know can't take back any mistakes I have made, so I am determined to learn something from them. That's the point of making them, right? To learn? Sometimes I'd rather have not made them in the first place, and just learn to do the right thing by doing it the first time around. But life will never work that way. It wasn't designed to work that way.

Somehow I know it'll all work out in the end. But at the same time, I think about some of my dreams and wonder how in the world they'll ever come true. Even with an insane amount of hard work, chances are still slim. Things would have to fall into place just right, and how often does that happen - for anyone, but especially for someone like me with chronic bad luck? But I still keep dreaming. hoping. and I won't stop until I'm old and can't dream any more. I feel like I'm always looking forward to something that will hopefully happen at some point. I'm rarely in the now, rarely enjoying my current situation. There's almost always some place I'd rather be, some person I'd rather be with, some situation I'd much rather be in. Why is that? Why can't I ever just be happy with now? I don't think this is how it's supposed to be.

Maybe I just dream too much. I often find myself lost in daydreams and have to snap myself out of it. Where did I just spend the last fifteen minutes? Not in my statistics class or focusing on my business law reading or listening to the conversation someone is trying have with me, that's for certain. I spent them somewhere far away. Somewhere past or future, or somewhere that's neither - somewhere in some time that will never come to be, as much as I try to wish it into existence. So I end up reluctantly returning to the here and now, the moment that has come to be. and I accept it.

It's hard to sit and wait for dreams to come true. And I'm not talking about the outlandish dreams that will most likely never come to fruition. I'm talking about the normal dreams, like cooking dinner in my own apartment, walking down the aisle, sitting at my desk at my future job, or driving a car I've purchased with my own money. I suppose some of these things may never happen, though I fervently hope they do. And I wait for them.

I must try to work on enjoying my now. It's not like I'm an unhappy person, in fact, it's quite the opposite. I don't hate what I have now, I just know that there's more in store for me. More is coming. But God also said to not worry about tomorrow. I like The Message's translation best. "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes" Matthew 6:34. I will try my hardest to obey.

I like wishful thinking, at least for a while.

I just finished writing an essay on social media, which made me want to come blog, even though I have nothing exciting to blog about.

Thanksgiving provided me with a much needed break for a few days. I was nearly losing my mind having not had a break all semester. I promised myself I wasn't going to do any homework or studying over break, and I kept that promise. Admittedly, it wasn't very hard to do. I was able to get my hair cut and colored while I was home, which was so nice! It's really short right now, but it has some red it in and I'm loving it. Plus, it's extremely manageable when it is short like this. I was able to go to bauhaus twice while I was home, though I didn't make it to victor's at all. At least I'll be home again in less than two weeks so I can go then. I went shopping on black friday for the first time. fail or win? Well, it was a lot crazier than I expected, but I found some good deals, so I think it was worth it in the end. Also, I was able to go back to slave to the needle to get a shorter stud for my monroe which was much needed. Now it doesn't stick out awkwardly or catch on my gum, which was extremely annoying. Thanksgiving meal was satisfying, though it's never been my favorite. I don't really like turkey, or the whole concept of eating one giant meal and then feeling lazy the rest of the day. It was still fun though, and my family watched White Christmas like we do every year. I mostly like Thanksgiving because it is the beginning of the Christmas season for my family. I don't allow myself to listen to Christmas music until then, so it's very exciting to be able to break out the holiday tunes finally. Listening to Christmas music while studying helps to motivate me and remind me that I only have to tough it out for a couple more weeks until I'm home in lovely Seattle again.

Of course, the fact that I have two weeks left is a very daunting prospect at this point in time. This is mostly because I have two major projects, in addition to multiple tests and papers - not including the finals that at the end of all that. I'd much rather have a month in which to complete all of this work, but I have just over two weeks. Both of my projects are due on Tuesday, which means this weekend is going to be hell. Maybe I'll get lucky, and they'll actually be super easy. I like wishful thinking, at least for a while. It keeps me sane, makes me able to take things one day, one step at a time. I am so ready for these classes to be over though. Well, for the most part. I hate my probability and statistics and physics classes, but I absolutely love my publicity and consumer behavior classes. Unfortunately, my hatred for physics outweighs and good feelings I have towards other classes. I can't wait for it to be over. I'm just praying that I'll pass. I'm not too worried.

I have already done some of my Christmas shopping, which is kind of a miracle. I already know what I'm getting for my sister, and then I only have a few more presents to get. I'm normally so behind on all this, so I'm feeling good. My break doesn't start until December 18th this year, when it's normally much earlier than that, so I only have a few days to make my last minute present purchases. Oh, and my sister wants me to play guitar for her to sing at the Christmas Eve service at my mom's church. I kind of want to throw up thinking about it. I haven't played guitar in front of more than eight people, so thinking of getting up in front of hundreds makes me sick. I hate performing, but I know it will be rewarding in the end. It doesn't help that I pressured my sister to figure out exactly what we were going to play when we were home for Thanksgiving and it's still not set in stone. So, we're going to have about five days to rehearse and get it down completely before we have to perform in front of hundreds of people. kill me, please.

I feel kind of bad that I'm writing this in the coffee shop right now (while listening to Forever The Sickest Kids' new EP, which is amazing, by the way!). There ig a guy sitting right next to me at the bar with all of the stools, despite the fact that there were at least ten open chairs along the bar. I feel like it's kind of weird to choose to sit right next to someone when there are that many open seats, especially since I had books and stuff spread around me to work on my essay. So, back to the reason I feel bad. I have typed this whole thing, and my keys are not very quiet. It's not like I'm pounding on them, but they do click kind of obnoxiously and I'm typing quite fast. I'm afraid I am bothering him. But, let's be honest, if he's annoyed, it's his own fault for awkwardly choosing to sit right next to me when all of the other seats were empty.

I haven't been to a show in a while, especially one that I might consider a "high energy" show. I've been dying to see Artist vs Poet again, but they haven't come up to the northwest recently. I miss going to shows all the time, especially since I went to so many over the summer. I have gone to quite a few since the semester started, but not a lot of upbeat ones. I'm hoping I'll get to see The Classic Crime over Christmas break. They're playing at the showbox on december 18th, which is the first day of break. I'm just praying I'll get home in time to go. I pretty much have to go because, well, it's The Classic Crime, and because they are playing with Moneta! I haven't seen Moneta in almost a year and a half. This makes me so sad. But at the same time, I am kind of angry with them right now. Apparently two members left the band - two original members, who I used to get tickets from. In fact, I still have their numbers in my cell phone haha. There was no kind of announcement on the band myspace or anything - new pictures were pasted over theirs. It just upsets me that they'd treat the situation with such nonchalance. But, I do still love them, so I'm willing to give the new line-up a chance.

I only have 16 days until I am home again for two weeks. I can't wait to get out of this cold for a while. It is truly horrific!

It's like chocolate in my mouth.

There are only a few more days until I get to go home for thanksgiving break! I leave Tuesday morning and don't come back to Spokane until Sunday. It is the perfect length of break - not too long, but not too short - enough time to do everything I want to do, but not enough time to get bored.

I had a physics test on Friday that I had been worrying about all week. I studied extremely hard and felt well-prepared. Unfortunately, the test included questions that I didn't study at all. There was one question that I had no idea how to do. I wasn't even just confused, I was lost. There's no doubt in my mind that I completely failed. I probably got about %30, judging by the way my professor grades the tests. I'm not exaggerating. Oh well, it's over now and there's nothing I can do, so I'm just not going to worry about it any more. Luckily, I have nothing major due on Monday, and I'm not going to any classes on Tuesday, so I can cruise right into break.

This will be the first time that Rebecca and I will be making the Spokane-Seattle road trip together just the two of us, which should be super fun! I am so ready to go home for a little while. This is actually the longest I've been away from home. Normally I go home in October for fall break, but I didn't this year. It's kind of weird. But at the same time, I'm not going that crazy. I really just miss Seattle and all of the fun adventures I had over the summer with my sister. And of course, the coffee. But, I did have dutch bros today, which was amazing. I forgot how good it is. I can only drink it once in a while though because it is soooo rich and chocolately. In fact, after my first sip, I exclaimed to Rebecca, "It's like chocolate in my mouth!" which is pretty much just stating the obvious.

Tomorrow, I think I'm going to bake some cookies. I have some extra eggs from when I made cupcakes a couple weeks ago, and I bought a cookie mix and a brownie mix today! I love baking. Though, it's really inconvenient to do at school since I don't have any cooking supplies, and we aren't supplied any in the dorms...but I make do.

Three more days until home...Seattle, here I come!

My life seems to be in order for once.

Junior year has been one hundred percent insanity. I feel like I am constantly moving at a million miles an hour, and nearly always working on less than five hours of sleep. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of good times with friends and have made some new ones, which has been fun. It's just that with the combination of 18 credits of hard classes and the social stuff, I feel like my life is spiralling out of control. As we're nearing the last few weeks of the semester, classes are starting to pick up now. We've got two weeks left before Thanksgiving break, and two after we come back. When I think about all the projects and tests and assignments I still have to do in those four weeks, I start panicking. Will I be able to get it all done? If I take things a day at a time, it's not nearly as overwhelming, but a very small part of my brain is in a state of constant worry about classes and other things. I must admit, that despite the craziness, this year has been amazing so far. I love all of the people that are in my life right now, probably more than they know. I've finally found a church that I am satisfied with, after two years of searching. I've seen a lot of good shows and been on some fun adventures. Even with all the worry in the back of my mind, my life seems to be in order for once.

Lately, God's been answering my prayers like I've never known before. I feel like any time I utter even the smallest prayer, he hears me and responds. I am so thankful. It may be partly due to the fact that, this semester in particular, I've been trying to just give everything over to Him - even the smallest problems. Life is so much less stressful when I'm not trying to work everything out on my own. Yes, I still have problems and worries, but knowing that God will help me through them is unbelievably encouraging.

Apart from all that, not much has been happening. Thanksgiving break is in two weeks from tomorrow. I'm so stoked, it's insane. I'm getting my hair cut and colored, which will be extremely necessary by the time I get home. I'm already getting annoyed straightening it right now because it's grown so much, and the color's grown out a lot as well. It doesn't look that bad, but it'll be nice to come back to school all fresh. In addition to that little appointment, I'll also get to see my sisters and hang out with them all weekend! I miss them so. And I also miss Bauhaus and Victor's, which will both be very necessary while I'm home...possibly even Caffe Vita too, if I can swing it. Oh, and I'll be getting a shorter stud for my monroe when I'm home so that it won't stick out so far, which will be very nice. Did I mention the pumpkin pie that I'll be making? And the amazing fresh-baked rolls that we only get once a year? and the best thing about thanksgiving? The fact that it's the start of the Christmas season. I love Christmas time more than any other time of the year. I can't wait!

Halloween will not be very halloweeny.

I've never really liked Halloween. Even as a kid, it was always a competition for who had the better outfit or who could get the most candy. Now that I'm older, it seems that Halloween is merely an occasion for girls to dress like sluts, which annoys me. So, this year, halloween will not be very halloweeny for me. I'm not dressing up as anything, and I'm not going to any parties - at least that I know of yet.

It's fall break weekend, so I didn't have class yesterday and I don't have class on Monday either. The last two years, I have gone home for fall break but I decided to stay on campus this year. I am so glad I decided to stay. It's so much more of a break when I don't have to pack up and drive five hours, have a couple days to rest and then drive another five hours back to school. Granted, I would have loved to be enjoying a bauhaus latte and seattle people-watching on this wonderful saturday afternoon, but I can wait until thanksgiving break for that. I would also have loved to get my hair cut this weekend, but that can also wait.

I am finding that I rarely miss home, as in my actual house, but I do miss Seattle and the surrounding areas. I miss the city. Spokane is just not the same. At least I've only got a little over a year and a half left of college - crazy! It's starting to really dawn on me now. I'm currently in the process of choosing classes for next semester, and it's really scary to realize that I only have three semesters left here. That also means I only have three semesters left to get all of my credits done, which is scary, considering that classes are rarely at convenient times and classes I need often overlap, preventing me from taking some that I need. I'm only slightly worried about it.

It's almost November, and that scares the heck out of me. Where did September and October go? This semester is flying by. This is probably due to the fact that I have a lot of hard classes, and therefore, my life has been pretty much owned by studying. Though, I will say, I've been able to go to a lot of good shows since coming to school. Let's see...I've seen goodnight sunrise/good kids bad ideas, barcelona/allen stone, the lonely forest, mt st helens vietnam band, and the scene aesthetic/owl city. So, I really shouldn't complain.

Overall, I am pretty happy with life in general right now, which is always a nice thing to be able to say. I mean, sure, some things are not ideal at the moment (such as my computer being a jerk to me and needing a new hard drive), but it's nothing I can't manage with a smile on my face.

You'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living.

I hate this society.

I have made the choice in my life to not drink - at least for now. There are a few good reasons for this. One, I just don't see the need. If I can have fun without mind-altering substances, why should I take them at all? Two, I have seen that it often makes people do things they wouldn't otherwise do - things they usually regret and have to deal with later. Third, it causes you to lose control in a sense. And while I understand that that is one reason why people like to drink, I do not find that part of it appealing. I don't want to be afraid that I'll say or do something I shouldn't. Fourth (and probably the least important), is that it is currently illegal for me to drink. I am not 21, and I know that I am probably one of the only 20-year-olds in America that has not played beer pong or gone to a "party." And to be perfectly honest, I'm not ashamed.

This leads me to why I hate this society. It makes me want to feel ashamed for never exposing myself to alcohol. My way of life is often frowned upon by others my age or even those older than me. I'm seen as too innocent, sheltered, boring, the list could go on. Why is it so bad that I haven't broken the law like everyone else my age? Why is it so bad that I'm trying be a responsible adult? Why is it so bad that I don't want to binge drink and end up throwing up all over someone's floor? I just don't understand.

Like I said, I am not ashamed of the life I've chosen to lead. I don't care what others think of me, and I've kind of always been that way. It's the only way to live if you want to be happy. If you're constantly worried about what other people think of your decisions, actions, or even clothing choices, you'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living. A couple weeks ago right before classes started, I was picking up some books from the HUB that I had ordered online. There was a group of about seven people standing behind me in line. I was just minding my own business and happened to overhear some of their conversation (which was not quiet). They were clearly making fun of my hair - saying things like "I think it's really stupid when people have streaks in their hair that aren't natural. It's so obvious and it looks so dumb." After hearing that, I could have run crying to my room - or confronted them, which would have been fun! Instead, I kept my mouth shut, laughed to myself, and didn't bat an eye about it. If I like my hair, why should I care what seven random strangers think about my hair? I mean, let's be honest. They only wish they could pull this off.

I strive to live my life according to the way I want - not the way others want (unless you include God in the "others"...cause his opinion does matter). It's a waste of time, energy, and emotions to worry about other peoples' opinions of me.

i'd rather forgo dreams completely

I had a terrible dream last night. It was the kind of dream where you don't remember what happened right when you wake up, but you suddenly remember it later in the day like a light bulb flicking on. my dream came back to my memory in the middle of my publicity and public relations class this morning. this was horrible timing. my dream was, to put it lightly, quite disturbing. it made my whole body tense up and cringe upon remembering what had happened. i know it's not real, but my mind has a hard time distinguishing when the nightmare felt so realistic. now, this was not a typical nightmare. there were no monsters chasing after me or people dying around me. rather, i was put in a situation that was so uncomfortable that it is almost unbearable to think about it. sometimes, i find dreams to be interesting and exciting, but i'd rather forgo dreams completely if it meant never having ones like the one i had last night.

on another note, classes are going wonderfully. i absolutely love my tuesday/thursday classes. which is a good thing because they are longer than my MWF ones. the homework/study load is going to be significantly more than my last semester, so i'm trying to adjust to that. my goal is to do my homework the day it's assigned instead of the night before it's due. such a novel concept! it's actually quite freeing because then i'm never rushing to get things done at the last minute. we'll see how long this lasts though.

my mind just soaks up everything i hear.

I moved back to Whitworth on Monday/labor day. i'm finally back, and so glad to be! it's been much too long since i've seen all these lovely people and enjoyed the beauty of being in the pinecone curtain. i'm living in a brand new dorm that just opened a couple weeks ago and it is fantastic. plus, i'm living in a single, so no roommate! i have been seriously enjoying it. it's nice to be able to have my own space to go and relax, but when i'm in my room i usually try to prop my door open so people can come chat when they walk by. but, if i ever need the peace and quiet completely by myself, i can shut my door and not be bothered by anyone. it's a kind of crazy thing for me to have at college since i'm so used to having someone with me all the time. i never have to leave my room to find a place to have a private phone conversation or tip toe around my room while getting dressed in the morning. i'm really glad to have had the experience of living with a roommate in such small quarters and i do think i've grown as a person because of it. but, i've experienced enough of that and am so ready to have my own space.

my room is much larger than i was anticipating it would be. i have so much space. i even have a little reading nook with a large comfy chair and curtains on my windows. awesome? most definitely. all the girls on my hall are jealous of my room - probably because they all wish they were living in singles too, and i'm not surprised. it is wonderful.

classes started today, which i was stoked on. i actually really love learning. my mind just soaks up everything i hear. i had probability and statistics at 8am, which is gonna be sort of brutal. my prof is a really old guy who talks super slow. an un-animated professor + 8am = falling asleep. but, at least i have a friend in that class, which was a nice surprise. then i have physics with rebecca, which was kinda awkward. we're two juniors (i'm a marketing major and she's a math major) in a class of all freshmen science majors. one kid was the definition of nerd: black solar system t-shirt, fleece sweatshirt tied around his waste, and tevas with high-top white socks. it was so epically awesome. that class is probably going to be the death of me, but i think it will be enjoyable with rebecca, and i like the subject. my last class today was business law, which i was completely dreading. i am not interested in law. at all. luckily, the professor is hilarious - and not the kind of hilarious where they even realize they are funny. he doesn't purposefully make jokes, he just says things that are really funny. plus, he wears all sorts of colorful bow ties every day. and who doesn't love bow ties? i mean, honestly. i knew at least one person in that class as well and chatted a bit with the other people at my table, so i don't think that class will end up being too brutal.

i can't wait for my classes tomorrow! my first class isn't until 9:30, which is much nicer than 8am, and it is publicity and public relations. i'm hoping it will be a really awesome class, and it completely relates to marketing and what i want to do. plus, apparently the class only has like 20 people in it, so that should be good. unfortunately, it is a journalism class, so i probably won't know any of the people in it since the majority of my classes have been business classes. but meeting new people is always fun! then i have consumer behavior with my adviser, who is super passionate about marketing. it will be my first designated "marketing" class, whereas most of my classes have been the general business requirements. it will be fun to be in a class with my fellow marketing majors.

i had sort of mixed feelings about coming back to school the last week i was home. part of me wanted to stay in seattle and drink coffee everyday and read the stranger and people-watch all day - to be in a place where i felt content. another part of me couldn't wait to get back and see all of my friends and start the new year. honestly, i am super glad to be back - happier about it than i ever thought i would be. despite my car troubles that have been stressing me out, i've loved every minute of being back here. i'm sure i will inevitably get to a point in the year when i need to go back and visit seattle (and get a real cup of coffee). until then, i'm going to wholly enjoy my time here on this beautiful campus with all these awesome people.