vanilla lattes with fluffy foam and pretty designs.

sometimes i get in a mood where i just have to write...anything at all that comes to mind, however ridiculous or random it may be. here is the result:

i have horrible balance, and therefore, cannot do any sports that involve any sort of 'gliding' action, such as ice skating, roller blading, and skiing. i hate dancing...in front of people. i don't mind it when i'm alone. if i won't dance somewhere, it means i'm not comfortable enough. i like wearing glasses, even though some people see them as a blemish of the face. i think they're cute. i'm horribly insecure, and god, do i know it. i've been working at it. sometimes i get the feeling my friends don't like me, don't want to spend time with me. it happens a lot, and i don't know what to do about it. i wish i could draw. i have a love for shoes that is not quite at obsession status yet. sometimes i think life would be much simpler to be living in a situation like "lost," of course, without the smoke monster and the 'others.' i love god, but sometimes i wonder, does he really hear my prayers? or, more importantly, does he listen? it makes me sad that sex holds no meaning any more. wearing a favorite hoodie can make my day ten times better. and on the opposite side of the spectrum, a bad hair/wardrobe day can make my day ten times worse. i'm learning to love [some] screamo music. i'm a sucker for vanilla lattes with fluffy foam and pretty designs. i miss the feel of riding breeches and paddock boots. i even miss the bucking fits and biting horses. i miss the days when dressing up for halloween was cute and wholesome. i've always tried to journal, but could never manage to keep it up for more than a few weeks. i can't stand it when people wear their backpacks on one shoulder, though i must admit, i did when i was seven. music makes me happy, when nothing else can. if all else fails, at least i can play it loud enough to drown every thing else out. i like changing my hair often, whether it be the color or the cut. i get bored too quickly. i love the color yellow because it's bright and cheery. i want to impact someone's life. i'm not going to go so far to say that i want to change the world, but if i can truly impact one person's life, i'll be satisfied. i have no desire to skydive or bungee jump. i don't thinking risking my life for a quick thrill is really worth it. i wish people didn't have to change. i wish people wouldn't 'grow apart.' i hate being shy, and i hate confrontation. i avoid it at all costs. i don't like to bring up touchy subjects because i always just want everyone to get along and be happy, which is never the case. i love little inventions like the apple slicer. i'm really over this right now. the end.

it was pure bliss, as my memory recalled so many great moments.

it's friday. another week is in the bag. i go home on wednesday, which i can't believe.

i saw barcelona on wednesday night. i went alone, which was quite depressing. for the first three bands, i just sat in the back and texted people and listened to the music. there were a ton of people there, and i felt like everyone was staring at me, the loser who was sitting alone. it was pretty miserable. the worst part was, all the opening bands were really good, but i couldn't enjoy them cause i was wallowing it a pit of pity. once barcelona started, i decided to stand up and move closer so i could actually see. they were amazing, as always. they played a new song that i had never heard. it was really beautiful, but extremely sad. it was so nice to see them again. it's only been a few months, but they just never get old. ever.

i had my guitar final on tuesday. i am going to miss that class. paul was so chill and was a great teacher. i learned a lot, for only having about ten weeks of class. for our final, we could play anything we wanted...literally anything. i chose to play 'what child is this?". i also planned to sing, which i was super nervous for. i had never sung in front of people before. ever. i know i can at least carry a tune, but i definitely do not have a great voice. i sang three verses of the song, and i didn't mess up at all. at least it was a really informal performance. we didn't even have to stand up in front of the class! i might try to take the intermediate guitar class next semester. i really want to keep learning, and paul is teaching it again, so i know it'll be amazing.

last night, i went to bed at 9:00. i got twelve hours of sleep, on a school night, which is basically unheard of at college. for some reason i was exhausted and it was too late to take a nap. i had no homework that i had to do (i always have things i can do) so i decided that i may as well use my time well and get a good night's sleep for once.

lost starts again in january. i absolutely cannot wait! that show is so fantastic. i watched a preview on abc.com and got really excited. i hardly remember anything that happened in the fourth season, so i think i'm going go try to re-watch seasons three and four over christmas break. i love it.

the new moneta EP came in the mail yesterday. it made me so happy. i literally smiled when i opened my mailbox and saw the package slip sitting there. i knew immediately what it was. there are a couple songs on there that they've been singing live for the longest time, but had not released a recording of. i walked really fast back to my room and ripped the package open. then i had a little dance party all by my lonesome to some of my favorite songs, like 'no surrender'. the first time i heard that song, i thought it was so epic, and listening to it just brought back to many happy memories of a bunch of shows i went to. i just sat and listened to it all the way through without doing anything else at all. it was pure bliss, as my memory recalled so many great moments.

finals week is next week, though i only have two days of finals. i leave to come home on wednesday, while most people don't get to leave until friday or saturday. there's something about the time around finals week that just screams 'drama.' for some reason, the most stressful time of the year for college students is also the week that carries the most drama of any week in the year. why is that? well, it sucks. a lot. and i just wish that we could all just get along perfectly and never have any problems. but if we never have problems, it wouldn't really be 'life.' oh well. i get on a plane in 5 days and i can go home and relax for three weeks.

i've been sort of reclusive lately, and i'm not quite sure why. last night there was a christmas party in my dorm, and a bunch of people went. there was a gift exchange, cookies, and plenty of christmas cheer. i was in one of those moods where i don't want to be social, especially the fake-kind, where you have to put on a face and be all bubbly and happy and talkative. ya know? so i didn't go. at all. i stayed in my room and then went to bed at 9:15pm. that's the earliest i've gone to bed all year. then i slept for twelve hours since i didn't have class until 10 this morning. then earlier today, i took a nap for an hour, when i really shouldn't have been tired. and now, i have nothing to do tonight, so i'll probably end up going to bed early (well...early for a friday night is midnight). i hate this.

it seems as if the world won't let me forget

today has just been one of those days for me. one of those days where you just want to punch the world in the face for making you it's bitch. one of those days where everything seems to just miss the mark, and you're constantly waiting for the bulls eye. god. is that a weird analogy?

this year has been interesting, to say the least. i can't seem to forget about a certain thing, and it seems as if the world won't let me forget. i try not to think about it, to get over it, to realize nothing is going to come of it, and then the next day it's in my face again. how am i supposed to handle that? i pray about it. "god, please just take it away and help me ignore it" and then the next day, there it is! it's a little frustrating.

i love the holidays. the decorations bring joy to my heart when i see them, and i think about the wonderful times i get to spend with family and friends (and away from school and spokane). i think this year though, i've started to realize more how much i hate being single, and the holiday cheer is simply accentuating that feeling. i hear all these stupid songs about "i'll be home for christmas," "all i want for christmas is you," blah, blah, blah. those songs are great and meaningful and sweet if you have a loved one, but just rub in your loneliness when you're single. i'm at a weird point in my life. for so long i didn't even really have a desire to have a guy in my life. i was perfectly content being single and basking it all its glory. unlike a lot of girls, i don't need a man to validate myself in any way, i just desire to have that closeness with someone - an emotional connection, if you will.

enough about this mushy crap. ugh.

i get to go home in 8 days, since technically, it's already tuesday. i have quite a bit of stuff that has to get done before finals are over. i have about four papers to write, a big project for design that i have to finish, and of course four final exams. i'm not stressing too much, and my finals are much less intense than last year. plus, i lucked out and i get to leave on wednesday since i don't have any finals on thursday or friday. it'll be nice to be home and not have to think about school at all for a little while.

it hasn't snowed yet since i've been at school (it did during thanksgiving break, which i missed, thank God). in all actuality, it's kind of miraculous that i haven't had to deal with the snow. and then i'll be in new york and DC during january, so i'll miss pretty much that entire month.

i'm so done with this bad day i've had. i'm looking forward to starting a brand new one tomorrow.

i'm almost 3/8 done with college.

i'm supposed to be studying for my core test that i have on friday, but i have an utter lack of motivation at the moment. i also have a design project due tomorrow that i have to finish and an accounting test on thursday. this week blows.

i signed up for my spring classes today. i'm pretty excited about them. i'll be taking macroeconomics, writing for mass media, international business, managerial accounting, yoga, ice skating, marketing and radio. it's 18 credits, so i'll be pretty busy, but i like to be busy. if i don't have enough classes, i have too much free time that i just end up wasting. plus, yoga and ice skating are both half-semester classes so they are both over before spring break. then the second half of my semester will be more chill cause i'll have 6 less class hours a week. wow...that's a lot. i'm excited though. i don't dislike the classes i'm taking right now, i'm just getting a little sick of them and i'm ready for a change.

the end of this semester means that i am closer to my jan term trip to new york and DC. i absolutely cannot, cannot, CANNOT wait. i am so excited to see new york and i've never been to dc either. also, i will be in dc when obama is inaugurated into office. i don't know if i'll be able to go to it, but just being there while a new president comes into office is a really cool thing, especially because i love obama and i'm super happy he won the election. it would have killed me to see sarah palin in the white house.

i go home for thanksgiving break in exactly a week from today. i can't believe it has come up so quickly. after break, then i have a week and a half til i come home for christmas break. it's all happening so fast. this semester has completely flown by. i think i've definitely settled into whitworth this year. i don't know, last year was such a difficult time for me and so many things were new, plus i didn't really make any friends. i was just not happy here, but this year i feel so much more at home here. i still wouldn't call it 'home' necessarily, because i am a seattle girl in every sense of the word, and i could never call spokane 'home'. it's more of a temporary living situation. i can't wait to move back to seattle after i graduate from whitworth. i'm almost 3/8 done with college. ahh! part of me wants to be done with college so i can just start my life, but there's another part of me that wants to just stay in college forever so i never have to face reality. because, in all actuality, college in unlike any other experience, but it's not like the real world.

i wish there were more emo kids at whitworth. and more emo bands in spokane. maybe i just need to find some people to turn into emos. haha. i wish. i miss my bands back home. it's been too long...even though i get to see the classic crime on saturday! ahh. i can't wait. they are seriously, not joking, one of my favorite all time bands, especially to see live. they have one of the best live shows i've ever seen. they are headling the tour which means a really long set and lots of songs from the new album, that i'm in love with. they're playing with artist vs. poet, who are also really good. they had an ep come out today, but i'm too poor to buy it...maybe i'll buy it at the show on saturday.

also, twilight comes out this weekend! i really want to go to the midnight show, but i have a core test on friday morning. i could probably go to the midnight showing and be fine, but i think i'm going to do the smart, responsible thing and just go see it on friday afternoon. plus, then i won't have to deal with the utter mayhem that the midnight showing will entail. i just hope the movie's good. i'm a little worried, but i have hope. though, i love robert pattinson, so even if it sucks, at least i'll have been able to stare at his beautiful face for two hours.

for serious, i cannot concentrate. turkey and pumpkin pie are calling my name...

trying my hardest, and obviously failing epically.

i feel sick to my stomach, but i don't think it's because i ate something bad. is it possible for your emotions to manifest themselves physically, to make the move from the mind to the body? i think that's what's happening to me right now. it's november. i've now been at school for two months. and while these past two months have flown by, they've also caused me to become increasingly aware of how much i don't want to be single any more [and also something i thought might pan out, has definitely not]. the desire to love someone and be loved in return has crept up inside me like some sort of monster that won't go away. i'm 19 years old and i've never been kissed [or been in a relationship for that matter]. i realize i'm not the only person who's in this situation, but it's still no fun. i love all of my friends to death and i've made a ton of new friends this year, but there's still a void there that can't be filled with friends. i think we all have this void until someone comes along to fill it. it's not like i've become a pile of broken pieces, waiting for someone to put me back together, i'm just starting to realize that it'd be really nice to have someone, a significant other, in my life right now.

i've said before that i didn't want to have a relationship in college because it allows people to spend way too much time together, which isn't like the real world. living in the dorms allows people to practically live together and spend every waking minute with one another. it's not a realistic situation. even if you move in together after college, you'll have jobs and won't see each other every hour of the day. i just don't want to be in a relationship that commands all of my attention or forces me to cut off time spent with friends.

i trust God's timing, and while i really felt like this was going to be the year, apparently i was wrong. who knows - maybe god thinks i'm not ready for a relationship. or maybe the man God has for me isn't ready for a relationship. there's a thousand possible reasons as to why God hasn't blessed me with a man yet. we all think we know how to run our lives, but in the end, God knows what's best. in seasons of life when things aren't happening the way we want, it's hard to just trust God and keep living your life. i'm trying my hardest, and obviously failing epically.

i've been listening to death cab's 'narrow stairs' non-stop for the last few days. it is a really great album that i highly recommend. i haven't even gotten all the way through it because i find myself listening to the first six songs over and over again. My favorite song right now is "Cath..." it's brilliant.

i've worn my hair curly the last few days. i forgot how weird it is, and annoying. i can't run my fingers through it without completely ruining it, and it gets frizzy when i take a nap during the day...so, it basically all around sucks, except for the fact that it takes a lot less time to do. i much prefer it straight. i've also been realizing lately that i miss my dark hair. i think i'll change it back soon.

i'm going home tomorrow night. the maine is playing in seattle on friday night with every avenue, mayday parade, and all time low. unfortunately, the show sold out and i forgot to buy tickets before that happened. me and emilie are driving all the way home, just holding out hope that someone will be there selling tickets. i'm a little bit worried. if we don't end up being able to get tickets, i'll be really sad, but it's not the end of the world. it'll definitely be an amazing show for sure, but there'll be other tours. we're at least going to see the maine because they are playing at the wet seal in southcenter at 3 pm. at least we'll have that. i'm still holding out hope and praying like no other.

i still feel sick.

high school musical and an assortment of treats.

i went home last weekend and it was utterly fantastic. both of my sisters were home and alissa was home so i got to hang out with all of them. i went home thursday night and skipped classes on friday. luckily, i only had two and one of them had a test [which i took early on thursday...thanks professor sartell! haha] and the other was just a lecture, which i can get the notes from. the drive home wasn't too bad. i didn't get too tired, which was nice. i was really worried that i'd have a hard time staying awake. i listened to both disks of dane cook's retaliation, so that took up some time and definitely helped keep me awake. otherwise i just listened to music. it was actually really nice to just have that time alone out in the middle of no where. it gave me time to think about things - time that i just don't have when i'm at school and constantly thinking about what needs to get done for all my classes. i got home and watched the office...alone. no one was home to greet me, but i forgave them all for being jerks. then me and rachel and chelsea talked until 4:00 in the morning. that's what happens when we haven't all been together in a month and a half. i slept until 1 pm the next day, which was a little ridiculous. i was kinda mad at myself because i didn't want to waste any time like that. friday night we went out to dinner at a place in china town...it was amazing. i hadn't had really good chinese food in a long time, in fact, just thinking about it is making my mouth water and i'm not even hungry. then we went to claim jumper for dessert, which is fantastic as always. i realized then that i wouldn't have time to go get some legitimate coffee on saturday, which meant that i would have to go friday night. i wasn't about to come home to seattle and not get a real latte. so, after dessert, me and belin went to the bauhaus at like 10:45 and stayed there and chatted and read the stranger until about midnight. then of course, i stayed up until almost 3 am doing nothing of real importance. Saturday, i had to wake up at 8 so we could leave for leavenworth by 8:30, which of course we ended up not leaving until 9:15. we drove out to leavenworth, but stopped by lake wenatchee for a little while to take pictures and such, which was really fun. then we drove by the alps store, which is a tradition. we took a sister portait like we did when i was like four years old. it was quite fun. then we finally got to leavenworth, by which point we were all starving for lunch. but, octoberfest was going on, so there were crazy masses of people, and it took a while to find a parking spot. we finally parked and go to the restaurant, where we waited twenty minutes for a table, then got the worst service i have ever had at any restaurant ever. it was horrible, but the food wasn't too bad! i had to be home by about 6, so after we ate, we only have about a half hour to walk around leavenworth, which wasn't much with all the crowds. it was kind of a wasted trip, but it was still fun.

when i got home, i drove over to alissa's to have dinner with her and her mom and grandma. then i took her to ktub to see her first local show. we went to see madison drive, new heights, city in the sea, and hot donnas. they were all really good...hot donnas weren't really my style, and they seemed like they hadn't really matured as a band yet - like they didn't really know what to do on the stage. otherwise it was really fun. i loved madison drive. i've been trying to get to one of their shows for the longest time, and i'm glad i finally got to see them. it was quite sad though because there were only like twenty people left when they came on. it was still fun though. plus, their new guitarist is hilarious, but kind of awkward. haha. afterwards, we went back to her house and watched high school musical and ate an assortment of treats. it was a fabulous time.

unfortunately, i had to leave home around noon in order to get back to school so i could work on homework. yuck. the drive back was a little more difficult for me. i listened to brian regan, which helped. though, coming back to school this year is not as hard as it was last year. especially towards the beginning of last year, i felt really homesick a lot, but didn't really know why. this year, i still have days where i get home sick, but for the most part, i'm happy to be out of the house and out on my own. of course, i miss my puppies, tully especially, and the cats, oh, and my amazing bed, but i'm much happier at whitworth that i was last year.

a rocket to the moon's new ep came out today. i bought it on itunes and it is simply wonderful. it's only five songs, which makes me sad, and i had listened to two of the songs on his myspace a LOT, so only three of the songs are really new to me, but i still love it. plus, i just got a bunch of new music from my sister, so i've been enjoying all of that.

goodness gracious, i've got so many good concerts coming up soon! i'm not sure if i'm going to go to this one, but forever the sickest kids is playing at el corazon during fall break. the real you is playing here in spokane right before fall break. then i'm going to see the maine [my favies!], mayday parade, and all time low on november 7th in seattle. ivoryline is playing in spokane on november 11th, classic crime is playing spokane on november 22nd, then barcelona is playing spokane on december 3rd. its so crazy! last year i felt like no bands were coming to play here and this year there are so many. i love it!

i've gotten into a horrible sleep schedule. i usually go to bed around 2 am. then i get up super early [7 am on mon/wed, 8 am on tues/thurs/fri] and am completely exhausted. i'm so exhausted that i have to take a nap after my classes in order to get anything done. then, i usually have coffee around 7 or 8 at night while i'm doing my homework to keep me awake. then of course, i'm not tired enough to sleep until 2 again. it's really bad, and i can't seem to break it. if i could manage to not take a nap one day and not have coffee, i might be able to go to sleep at a normal time, but i'm too tired to get anything done when i try to do that. ugh. it's horrible annoying.

the crumbling-world days

why are some days so fantastic and wonderful and happy, and then others i feel like my world is crumbling? and mostly for no reason at all? today has been one of those days - the crumbling-world days, that is. sometimes these days happen because everything seems to be going wrong, like the world is out to get me, and other times (like today), i just feel really down but don't really know why. things that don't really matter appear to be huge problems, and i tend to blow things out of proportion, making my situation feel worse than it actually is. my mind will jump to the worst possible conclusion about everything. ugh. the worst part is that i feel dumb for feeling this way because i know there are people going through way worse things, like i shouldn't feel like this because my life isn't that bad. i can't help it though. every once in a while i get this way and i don't know how to make it stop.

i'm really in need of a dose of home - much more than i thought. i'm not really homesick, i just need to get away from here for a couple days, get out of the pinecone curtain and spend some time with my family and the people that love me. i only have to wait one more week, then i'm driving home. october 10th-12th. i can't wait. it'll be a really short weekend, but so worth it. i'm much happier at whitworth than i was last year, but seriously, something about being here just puts me in a weird mood that i can't explain. maybe it's because i have too much time to think, to contemplate things, my life. maybe it's because i feel like i have to put on a facad all the time that everythings perfect and i love everything about my life and nothing bad ever happens. in a sense, i don't feel like i can completely be myself. not that i want to be around a bunch of unhappy people all the time, but most people here are too happy - like they just pretend like nothing's ever wrong. we all have problems.

i need to just go to bed and pray. i'll wake up tomorrow fresh and new in god's grace.

spectacularly jam packed with concerts.

i feel like it's been an eternity since i've had a minute to just sit and think. the core 250 and microeconomics tests that i had today went pretty well. neither of them were as unbearable as i was expecting, though we'll have to wait and see when i get the grades. maybe they were really hard and i'm just so incompetent that i thought they were okay. hopefully i just studied so hard that they seemed to be pretty okay. i feel good about them.

this weekend was amazing, despite sunday. i spent pretty much all day studying for my tests. though, i did go to church in the morning, and then i went to lunch in saga (sunday chili - my favorite!) and then we randomly decided to go to value village. i had been wanting to go value village shopping for like two weeks. i ended up finding some fantastic sweaters. oh yes. they are amazing. then we went to this random plant and pet shop. there were some really cute puppies and rabbits and baby guinea pigs. it was really sad though because the puppies were behind these glass barriers and they looked so sad. they were clearly from puppy mills and were starving for human attention and affection. it just made me really sad. then we came back to school and i pretty much studied for my tests from 3 pm to about 1:30 am. of course, i had breaks in between. it's physically impossible for me to focus for that amount of time with some sort of breaks in there. then i had to get up at 7 am to get to my 8 am class. so basically, sunday sucked. a lot.

but let's not focus on the negatives here, because besides that, my weekend was spectacularly jam packed with concerts. friday night, barcelona played here at whitworth. it was so good to see them again. it was so weird because a lot of people at the show already knew their music because they came and played here last year. it's funny though, because it almost feels like some amazing secret that i had has been revealed, and now everybody gets to share in the good secret. it makes me feel selfish for not wanting other people to know about barcelona, when it is really a good thing for more people to hear their music - that's the reason bands tour in the first place. but anyway, we got to talk to brian for a couple minutes afterward, so that was fun. it was cool though because a lot of the audience knew the words, so we were all singing along. it was probably the liveliest crowd i've seen at a whitworth concert. after the concert, me and rebecca met brandon in mac, then went to taco bell because none of us had had dinner. we watched a few episodes of heroes, then went to arend to hang out in rebecca's room, where we watched youtube videos and saturday night live skits until 2:30 am. haha. it was really fun, but i didn't end up going to bed until about 3.

then on saturday, i slept in until 1pm. haha. it felt so nice to be able to sleep until my body decided to wake up. then i lazied around for a while and went to the coffee shop to get a latte and watch some heroes season 2 on my computer. i went to the bank and to petsmart. i bought a new tank for carlisle. it's much cooler...it has a light and bubbles. he's much happier now. then me and rebecca went to grab some dinner in saga (yum....not) before heading off to see hey monday, a rocket to the moon, and the cab. i was most excited to see rocket, but i also really like the cab. oh, and this band from seattle called shyforshy opened the show, but we missed a few of their songs. i apparently missed the memo that the 'doors' time and the 'show' time were in fact one in the same. oh well. it was at this place downtown called the big dipper. it was a pretty small venue, but i really liked it. it felt really cozy and kind of reminded me of the crocodile cafe that me and rebecca used to go to in seattle. so anyway, after they played, hey monday played. i actually liked them, even though the girl who sang lead looked like she was sixteen. they kind of reminded me of paramore - not just because there was a girl singer, but also the style of music and all that.

when they were done, a rocket to the moon played. i felt soooo bad for them. they had so many technical difficulties which were not their fault at all. first, nick's guitar stopped working, then his amp stopped working. then the other guitar stopped working. then one of the mic's stopped working. i could tell they were ready to just give up, but thankfully they kept playing. so basically, nick normally would have been playing guitar for all the songs, but he just stopped trying to make it work and just sang, which was actually cool, cause then he moved around the stage and we could actually see him better. i still felt really bad for them though. then the cab played, but unfortunately, something happened with their trailer, so only two guys were there and they played acoustic. it was pretty cool, but kind of awkward. they did a bunch of random covers like britney spears and nsync. it was a good time. we didn't end up staying for the whole time. we probably watched like 45 minutes of their set, and then i bought a rocket to the moon t-shirt and we peaced outta there. overall, it was a really fun show...kind of weird how things worked out though - it's the one show of the tour that this providence wasn't there for (which i was really, really sad about), then a rocket to the moon has these horrible technical difficulties, and then the cab plays acoustic. it was still really fun though. plus, i'm a bit obsessed with nick from a rocket to the moon. okay, so maybe more than a little, but that's okay.

the premiere of the new season of heroes is tonight and i am pumped. it's been soo long since they've had new episodes. i've spent the last week re-watching season 2. rebecca has it on dvd, so i've been spending my spare time doing that. i realized that i really, really like heroes. though, one thing i don't like is that there are so many stories to follow, that not much really happens in every episode, but in a way, i like that. there's so much going on, that you never get bored. and, if there's one story you don't like, then you don't have to watch that much of it every week.

i've been missing my boys lately. and by "my boys", i mean my dogs. it's weird though. it feels like i've been back at school for months now, and it's only been about three weeks. it's odd how that works. i get to visit home in about a month, and i'm excited. it's a different kind of excitement than last year though - last year it was because i missed home so much that i wanted to go back. now, i'm much happier here, for the most part, and i'm excited to go home to see my family and my pets for a couple days, but it's not because i'm homesick. though, we'll see how i'm feeling in another month.

guitar class is going well. it's moving pretty fast, but i can already play a bunch of chords, which is cool. i've been looking up worship songs online and stuff, and there's a few i can play, which has been really fun. i'm really excited to be able to just pick it up and play. i'm still not very good, and if i play for too long too often, my fingers start to hurt really bad, but it's not so bad. in fact, that's kind of the point, to build up strength and callouses. i'm excited to go home for thanksgiving (i'll have to find some way to bring it home with me...hmmm) and i can play and my sister can sing. it'll be a merry time.

i can't trust my feelings.

i'm going to make this quick for now because i'm supposed to be studying for the core 250 and econ tests that i have tomorrow morning [which i've barely begun studying for]. oops.

i get this feeling every once in a while, and i really hate it. i don't know what brings it on, or how to make it stop. i will just randomly start thinking about my life, and how i have no idea how i'm going to end up doing what i want with my life. i have these goals that i'm working toward, but they seem so far off and impossible. i just wonder - what am i doing here? and it's not even about whitworth any more, like it used to be. last year, i really questioned whether or not whitworth was the right place for me to be at this point in my life. i seriously considered transferring. i'm really glad that i chose to stay, because i do feel like this is where i'm supposed to be. but now, it's just about other things, everything. am i doing what god wants me to do? am i striving to follow his will instead of my own? am i being the light to the world that he's called me and all other believers to be? am i spending to much time thinking about worldly things - daydreaming of sorts? do i devote too much time to thinking about things i don't have, but desperately want? are my dreams and goals too big, too grandiose? and sometimes i feel like god is speaking to me [no, it's not like voices, more like really, really intense feelings from deep down that i can't explain], but then i question and doubt it over and over again. are these thoughts just my own desires manifesting themselves in such a way to make me think it's god? ugh. i can't trust my feelings. i don't know what to trust any more.

no luck for me. naturally. nothing can ever happen easily for me.

it's time for a much needed study break. okay, so i've actually only been doing homework for a couple hours, but i'm already so bored i can't focus...not to mention that i've finished everything that is actually due tomorrow...the rest is really just optional for right now. i can always do it tomorrow. i'm listening to a rocket to the moon, my guilty pleasure. nick santino's voice is just so...so...smooth? i don't know how to describe it, but i absolutely love it. i've been listening to it non-stop.

i went to a 'keggar' last night, haha. now, before you jump to all sorts of horrible conclusions, this was merely a rootbeer keggar [the only kind of 'keggar' we're allowed to have on a dry campus, haha], mostly to have fun, but also for alcohol awareness. it was super fun, and there were so many people there...to the point where you could barely move around, but it was really fun. there was even dancing, that i mildly [and i do mean mildly] participated in...but mostly i just stood there awkwardly and watched. the hatred i have for dancing [in public] held me back a bit. now, mind you, i don't mind dancing to a little all time low or mayday parade when i can pump it loud and dance around in my underwear all by my lonesome...but the thought of dancing with other people literally makes my breathing quicken. let's just say, it's not something i enjoy.

i finished re-reading new moon today. ridiculous, right? but i realized today, that since harry potter, this is the first series that has made me want to read...more than going on facebook or myspace, or watching tv, or wasting time on the internet. it makes me want to curl up in bed for hours upon hours and get wrapped up in the world of edward and bella. it's unreal how quickly it sucks me in, and refuses to let me stop. it's bad though, because if i read it for too long, i start to envision myself as bella...which is really not good. it's bad mostly because edward is not real - so clearly and obviously a fictional charater. he is too perfect and treats bella too well...nobody talks like him or says things like he does. normal guys don't 'dazzle,' though i suppose [and hope] that when i find the right person, he will dazzle me - in a sense at least...the way bella's heart skips a beat and she can't catch her breath when he gets real close or kisses her. i hope that falling in love is like that. i think this is one reason why i would never just date someone just to be dating someone. why waste my emotions, time, and energy on someone that i don't feel an intense connection with from the get-go.

which reminds me, the emo population at whitworth has definitely increased since last year, at least from what i can tell. this an encouraging observation. though, this also proposes a problem - i don't know any of them, and don't have classes with any of them. i was very sad to discover that none of the people i spotted in saga over the first few days were in any of my classes....i was hoping to be able to sit next to them [by chance, of course] and introduce myself, but no luck for me. naturally. nothing can ever happen easily for me.

i'm already missing my seattle bands, and i've only been gone a week :[ i fantasize about being at a moneta show...and i think of the super tall guy that's always in the front center and screams the lyrics in jerry's face, haha, and chrisb jumping around the stage with his giant fro, trying to pump the crowd up. i miss them terribly. not to mention the bands i haven't seen in ages like the real you, this providence, or danger radio [who i wouldn't really consider 'local' any more...they're getting so popular!]. it's weird coming and going from that scene. during the summer i go to so many shows and get to see most of my favies [though a couple of them were recording this summer, so no shows for me], and then i have to go from a few concerts a month to practically none. though, there's a show on thursday i want to go to, if i can find someone to accompany me. it's bank and abandon kansas. it should be a really good show...the difficulty is convincing someone to go with me. most people have never heard of those bands, so it's hard. and then barcelona is playing at whitworth on september 19t, which is convenient! and, they're playing with this band called Raining and Ok, and they're really good too. then, on the 20th, a rocket to the moon is playing in downtown spokane with the cab, hey monday and a band from seattle called shyforshy. this providence is on the tour with the cab/ARTM/hey monday, but they don't have the date listed on their page, and their name isn't on the show poster...i'm still holding out a shred of hope that they will be there. when i first found out that they were on that tour with ARTM and coming to spokane while i'm here, i literally started jumping around my room - no joke. i haven't seen them in almost a year and a half, which is so unacceptable. so, naturally, it would work out that that is the one date of the tour that they won't be playing, for whatever reason. but, like i said, i'm still holding out hope that they'll be there. either way, i still want to go because i am so obsessed with a rocket to the moon, and i want to see him soo bad. hopefully i can find someone to go to that with me as well. i don't want to miss that for anything. a rocket to the moon is from massachusetts, so the chances to see them are few and far between. i cannot miss my chance.

i've been really bad about going to bed a decent time since i started school. i don't think i've gone to bed before 1am since i've been back. which, for college, isn't really that late...but when you have an 8am class, that is late. i really should work on getting to bed earlier. unfortunately, about an hour ago i drank a latte, so i'll most likely be up for another couple hours. instead of devoting my energy to blogging, i should really go do some school work...that is what i pay all these thousands upon thousands of dollars to do, right? right.

i still feel like i'm really tired all the time.

i finished my second day of classes today. though, i have yet to attend my guitar class, which i have once a week on tuesdays. it's a very odd feeling, being back at school. it really feels like i never left, like i never stopped going to classes, like i never stopped this whole routine. i'm kind of bummed because i don't really have any classes this semester that i am taking for fun [besides guitar, which is only 1 credit, one hour a week]. the last couple semesters i have had at least one class that i wasn't required to take for either my major or for gen eds. most of my classes now are just things i want to get out of the way. i could have waited to take core 250, but what would have been the point of that. business management, financial accounting and microeconomics are all required for my major, and i really don't think i'm going to like any of those classes. business interests me, but i haven't heard good things about the professor, and i can already tell that he's just not going to teach in a style that i respond well to. then, i'm taking design I, which is required for my visual communications minor. it could be fun...it has the potential to be fun, but i am such a perfectionist, that i have a feeling i'm just going to get really annoyed with myself if everything i do, every line i draw, every circle i paint is not absolutely perfect in every way. we had one little exercise on the first day of class where we had to use construction paper and make a collage without using imagery conveying a word that he had printed on little pieces of paper. my word was 'strong' and i spent at least ten minutes just deciding what to do. it's weird...i'm creative, but i have problems when someone tells me "be creative right now and make something fantastic." it's not something you can turn on or off like a light bulb. i'm just afraid that i'll hate everything i make in the class because i'm so ocd about it.

i'm exhausted. i forgot how tiring it is to have a schedule like this. even though i don't have that many hours of class a day, i still feel like i'm really tired all the time. it doesn't help that i rarely got up this early during the summer, and i lounged around at home a lot when i didn't have to work. i have taken a twenty minute power nap for the past two days, but it doesn't seem to help much. i had a latte yesterday, which i think is why i wasn't tired, but i didn't have any coffee today and i'm utterly exhausted at 11pm...that's not a good sign. i don't want to be in a position where i rely on caffeine to keep me awake. i guess 11 is not too ridiculous of a time to go to bed. though, i don't have class until 10:25 tomorrow. friday is the only day of the week i really get to sleep in. mondays and wednesdays i've got class at 8am, and tuesdays and thursdays i've got class at 9:30, but it takes like 15 minutes to walk there. i'm really excited to be able to sleep in tomorrow. mmm. yes.

i think the main reason i'm so tired right now is not because of a lack of sleep [though, it has taken me a really long time to fall asleep, and i wake up sometimes in the middle of the night for no reason, so my sleep isn't very restful]. i am getting a relatively normal amount of sleep. i got almost eight hours last night, which should be more than enough to be wide awake at 11pm. but, really, i think i'm just exhausted from starting everything again...meeting people, putting myself out there in class to sit by random people and introduce myself, moving into a completely new and different room in a different dorm, and getting back into the schedule of going to classes and such....oh, and the get-to-know-you activities. those really take it out of me like you wouldn't believe.

i have no idea what i'm going to do this weekend. maybe i'll go to the discount movie theatre here in spokane. i think there are some good movies playing. we'll see. i really don't want to just sit here and do nothing like i did all of last year. i'm not gonna lie, that really sucked.

i haven't been this tired in a really long time, and my bed is calling my name, screaming my name actually. i think i will succumb to the calling. i really hope i'm not going to be this tired all year long, because i don't think i can handle this much longer.

his name is carlisle, and he is a betta fish.

i started classes today. i had design 1, core 250, and principles of microeconomics. i think they're all going to be pretty good. design should be relatively relaxing, and there isn't too much homework. there's a little reading every night and some questions, but it's not horrible. core 250 is going to be soo good. i'm really looking forward to it, and i've heard that it's exponentially better than 150, which i hated. i really like all the lecturing profs for 250, so it should be a really good class. plus, i know a ton of people in it. econ should be alright. :] economics are not something i'm dying get lectured on, but it looks like we're going to be talking about politics and the election and stuff, which should be really interesting and give me more insight to the policies of the candidates, though i'm pretty decidedly voting for Obama. it will take a lot to convince me to vote otherwise. i just really don't like who McCain chose for a running mate...enough to convince me to not vote for him. if she ever had to take over for him for any reason, she would be horrible. plus, i was all for obama from the beginning.

it feels weird being back at school. it's almost like i never left. my room is pretty sweet. i think i'm going to really like living in ballard. my room is probably about the same size as last year, but the ceilings are taller, and i can move all the furniture, so there are a lot more configurations we can use. though, for some reason, i am pretty much always cold in my room...we are in the basement, but emilie is not cold. hopefully i'm not sick or anything. i am pretty sure i'm not, i just like being warm in my room...and i shouldn't have to put a blanket over me in order for that to happen, especially when it's warm outside like it is right now. i shudder to think what it will be like in the winter. brr.

i got a new friend yesterday. his name is carlisle, and he is a betta fish. he's very cute and he swims around his bowl a lot more than most bettas. he also likes to swim in and out of the fake grass in the bowl. he's very cute. we're going to be best friends.

i already have homework to do. ugh. i miss the days of high school where the only assignment for the first entire week is to sign the stupid syllabus. but no, i have to jump right in! i already have to read a chapter for econ, a chapter for design [plus answer two pages of questions about the reading], and reading for core 250 and a reading response. ughhhh. the year is starting off with a bang.

nasty, ugly, creeper town, nothing-to-do spokompton.

it's saturday at 3:20 pm. i leave tomorrow morning at 11ish to head back to spokompton and start another year of school. it hasn't really sunk in yet that it's happening...right now. it doesn't feel like a whole year has gone by. it feels like just yesterday that i was packing to go to my first year of college. the anticipation was insane and i was so nervous about making friends and meeting so many new people. not to mention, i absolutely loath get-to-know-you activities. luckily, i won't have too many to go to this year, since i'm not a freshman any more! weird. unfortunately, going to back to school means leaving beautiful seattle and returning to nasty, ugly, creeper town, nothing-to-do spokompton. sounds like a blasty blast. but, i am really excited for my room....ballard basement! i'm pumped.

i'm heartbroken in every sense of the word. stephenie meyer's rough draft of midnight sun got leaked on the internet. she wasn't even half way finished. now, she's decided that she's putting it on hold indefinitely. i am crushed. i was sooooo looking forward to reading twilight from edward's perspective. she at least posted the draft on her website, and it's about 265 pages, which is still a lot, but it's not the whole book. it's not finished. i'm sad that some stupid person had to go ruin this for everyone, including stephenie. i respect her decision since this incident hurt her so badly, but she's going to have a LOT of really, really, really disappointed twilighters. i hope that in a couple months [or however long it may take] she will change her mind and finish writing it and publish it so we can all truly enjoy it. it just sucks because the actions of one person have ruined it for everyone. i'm really sad.

so enough about that sadness. i'm pretty much having a panic attack inside right now. i'm not completely done packing and i'm stressing out pretty bad. my room is like a death trap right now with all sorts of rubber made containers and crap strewn every where. i leave tomorrow and i'm not ready. i'm not ready to face everyone at school, to be around the constant 'happy' all the time. ugh, and no cable, which means i won't be able to watch project runway! i'm hecka pissed about that. plus, i'm definitely going to miss my pups. though, i've already said goodbye to a bunch of people, and it hasn't been as hard as it was last year, or as hard as i was expecting it to be, which is good. i think this is the first time that i haven't cried when saying goodbye to my sister. i'm getting better, i guess. i probably should get back to packing, since i just revealed that i'm stressing out about it...

a good attitude and high expectations.

summer is winding down and i feel like i've accomplished nothing. nothing at all. my plan of saving all of my earned money has been squashed by a little company called starbucks and a little addiction i have to live music. granted, i still saved a good chunk of my money, but not nearly as much as i needed to. oh well, i can't help that now. warped tour definitely put a dent in my bank account...$40 for the ticket, $25 for gas, $15 for dinner, $10 for merch, etc, etc. oh well. i had such a good time and i got to see a ton of amazing bands. although, i did get a very, very intense sunburn on my back and shoulders. i just stopped peeling a couple days ago. it was really quite sick, actually. this summer has been chalk full of good concerts, so i can't really complain. i saw moneta twice, holyfield twice, classic crime twice, new heights, summit avenue, dressed to kill, burning tree project, theme for murder, bank, barcelona, the maine, metro station, boys like girls, good charlotte, mayday parade, we the kings, all time low, automatic loveletter, and relient k [at least i think that's all]. wow. that's a lot more than i realized, though a few were lumped together at warped. my summer has seemed uneventful at best, but at least i got to see most of my favorite bands before heading off to my personal hell called spokane. okay, i guess that's an overstatement. i don't hate whitworth, not at all. in fact, the campus is very calming. i just hate spokane. i can't explain it really, i mean there are a bunch of concert venues, there are multiple starbucks' and two large malls. i really shouldn't complain, but i can' stop.

the idea of going back to school is so unexplainable for me. i'm torn in so many ways i can't even handle it. on the one hand, i am so ready to be busy again, to study, to go to class, to do homework even. i never thought i'd say that. but on the other hand, i don't want to deal with waking up every day and putting on my happy face for class. i just feel like at whitworth, everyone is happy all the time - like i'm not allowed to have a bad day, like it's not okay to be upset about anything. sometimes i'm not myself when i'm there, and i don't like being places that make me act like something i'm not. on one hand, i'm excited to move into ballard - a completely different dorm than last year. i'm excited to meet the girls on my hall. i'm excited to room with emilie, since it feels like we're totally on the same page as far as how to lay out our room and how we intend to live together. but, on the other hand, i am nervous to leave the security of my own room, my santuary. i spend a large [probably unhealthy] amount of time in my room at home. for some reason, the singularity keeps me sane. obviously i don't spend all day alone all locked up, but it's nice to have a place to escape where i can't be bothered.

my biggest worry about returning to school has nothing to do with anything previously mentioned, and that is my fear of being alone. last year was really rough for me in that department. i could easily count my friends on one hand, most of whom i rarely saw. i ate most meals alone. rarely i'd eat with one other person, but those days were few and far between. i have high hopes that this year will be different, but i also felt hopeful last year, and see how that turned out. maybe last year was just some type of freshman curse. i am going to go into this year with a good attitude and high expectations. maybe living in a different dorm will help. hopefully.

i got my lip pierced on monday. finally. i've been thinking about doing it for months and months now. i went to slave to the needle in ballard and they were awesome. it made me feel slightly better because they were super nice. i was so nervous to do it. it was much more intense than butterflies in my stomach...it was more like a raging dance party in my stomach. the guy doing it was super relaxed which helped calm my nerves a little. when i asked him how bad it would hurt, he said that biting your tongue was worse. wow. i could hardly believe that. i held my sister's hand in both of mine as she watched. i took a deep breath, exhaled, and in went the needle. it did not hurt nearly as bad as i was expecting. i mean, i obviously felt it, but it wasn't anywhere near the pain of fracturing my thumb in six places and dislodging it from the socket. it was over quite quickly, which helped. before i knew it, my lip had a cute little rhinestone in it. the rest of the day was weird. i kept waiting for the pain to come, like i knew it would. but, it never came. it was almost like my lip around the piercing was completely numb. even when the stud would stick out and move in the hole, i couldn't hardly feel it. me and rachel met our parents for lunch [which i didn't eat...i wasn't quite ready to eat just one hour after getting pierced] and then shopped around northgate for a few hours. i've had the piercing now for three days. it is the most sore today, but still nothing unbearable. it's not swollen or red. i've been taking care of it. in fact, that reminds me, i need to soak it in salt water before i go to bed tonight. the hardest part is just getting used to having it in my mouth...especially in things like smiling and eating, haha. i find that i can't speak quite normally yet. it feels weird to have something against my teeth. i'm slowly getting used to it though. people probably think i am just a gimp and can't talk like a normal person. oh well. i will get used to it soon.

ohh, that name, edward cullen.

the twilight saga is the greatest series i've ever read. there should be a warning label on the cover that states something along the lines of "more addictive than crack cocaine." it would be impossibly true. in a matter of a little over one week, i read twilight, new moon, eclipse, and breaking dawn. pretty much all of my free time was devoted to reading, including all of my breaks at work. many nights i found myself awake until three in the morning because i could not force myself to stop reading, to put it down. it was impossible to turn the page and not keep reading. it really is like a drug. it's been really nice to have something to distract myself from my own life, this summer. i had such high hopes for the summer, and they just sort of fizzled out to nothing. this past week has been the best of my entire summer. i can't even put into words why twilight is so amazing, it's something you have to experience. i thought that i could never be more obsessed with any series more than i was with harry potter, but i've met my match. it's getting to the point where the obsession is almost unhealthy....no, it's definitely unhealthy, but i don't care. i hate that i came across the series so late in the game, after the fourth and final book was already written. the amazingness came into my life and a week later, it's over. luckily, stephanie meyer is writing another novel called midnight sun, that retells the twilight story from edward cullen's perspective. ohh, that name, edward cullen. before i read twilight, i did not understand the obsession with him, i could not comprehend. after reading the first book of the series, i understand, and i am completely and utterly taken by the character. despite his being a vampire, he's pretty much the perfect man. plus, he doesn't seem much like a vampire because he's a 'vegetarian' and so is the rest of his family. i honestly think that every boy on the planet needs to read the series and learn. he's just so in love, and he knows how to show it. seriously, it's bad how in love i am with a fictional character. aaaand, the movie comes out november 21st [previously the release date for HP 6, which was moved to summer 2009] which will only make my obsession worse than it currently is. oh well. everyone on the face of the earth should have the pleasure of reading twilight.

i go back to school in exactly sixteen days. ugh. i have such mixed feelings about that right now. i'm ready to go back to school, to learn, to study. i am, however, not ready to go back to living in spokane, the nasty city it is. that sounded kind of derogatory...but i really do hate it. a lot. the downtown area where there is a big mall is kind of a nice area, but i just feel really unsafe in spokane. there's more crime there, at least it feels like it. i know there are creepers in seattle too, as there are every where, but i don't feel unsafe simply walking down the street in downtown seattle. i always feel on edge walking around spokompton. there's a reason people call it spokompton, after all. i guess i should at least be happy that it's a big city, and not some place way out in the boonies like pullman or something. blah. i don't know. at least my classes this semester should be good. i'm excited for them. and there at least a few people that i'm excited to see, despite my utter lack of friends.

i started jumping for joy around my room the other day. i just couldn't contain myself. i discovered, that this providence and a rocket to the moon are going to be coming to spokane on september 20th at the big dipper, which is a really small all ages venue. i've never been there, but they just reopened it, and it is supposedly ridiculously tiny, which will make it soooo much fun. i absolutely love both of those bands and i was sad that i wasn't going to be able to see TP for a really long time. i'm so happy. plus, it's the day after barcelona plays another free show at whitworth. not that i want to take all the credit for getting them to come play last year...but it was kinda my doing...considering i was the one that recommended them to Vi, the activities coordinator and gave their manager her name and email. apparently the show was such a hit that whitworth is bringing them back again this year. i feel so proud of my accomplishment, hahaha. and so modest too.

i have a headache, and i just realized why. i haven't been wearing my glasses all day and i've been staring at the computer screen for at least two hours now. actually, i've been squinting at the computer screen for two hours. sometimes i forget that i have horrible eyesight. i guess i should stop frying my brain now and get some sleep. i have my last day of work tomorrow. at least, as of right now, it's my last scheduled shift, and i'm going to put my two weeks in tomorrow, which i should have done at least a week ago. oh well. it's my own fault. they can't really force me to work, since i pick my own shifts. plus, i'm most likely going to get my lip pierced tomorrow night as a celebration, haha, so they wouldn't want me working anyway, since i'm not allowed to have any piercings besides ears...so ridiculous.

good night, loves.

something to feel a part of.

so much has happened. i went to holyfield's last show on july 22nd. i'm not gonna lie, i actually started tearing up when tony said it was going to be their last song. i just didn't want it to end. i think overall, that band meant more to me than any other. i don't know if i'd go so far as to say that they changed my life because i'd probably sound a little too obsessed. but really, they kind of did. about three years ago, they were the first local 'emo' band that i saw. [which really i can owe to barcelona because the first time i saw them was with barcelona]. immediately, i was hooked. because of holyfield/tysen, i started to go to more shows and get more involved in the local music scene. it gave me something...something...something to feel a part of. it made me feel like i was a part of something really awesome, that not many people knew about. most of the local bands whose shows i frequent are much better than a lot of the crap you hear on the radio. these bands deserve to be heard. they deserve to have fans. plus, they all have a passion for music. most local bands don't make enough money to do it for a living. they do it because they love to play music, and i love to listen to it. there's just something about being smashed in with hundreds of people who have the same interests as you. it brings people together for a common cause. plus, most bands are super nice to their fans and really want to meet all of them. i'm extremely sad to see holyfield break up, but there are others. some will fade, and more will emerge. people probably think it's lame to get all emotional over some band, but to me, they weren't just a band. they represent so much more - a change in my life. i've found something that i can't live without. and for that, i'll be forever grateful. not to mention, i've decided that i really want to work for a record label some day doing marketing, graphic design, or web design type stuff. i want to be involved in the industry.

[unfinished]

shafted in a sense.

this summer has not been what i was hoping for, and i only have about a month left. i have gone to a few really good concerts, and i have some more good ones coming up (like tomorrow...the classic crime, moneta, holyfield, and new heights!). i guess i just feel like i've been shafted in a sense. some people that i thought i would be hanging out with, i haven't seen hardly at all. i feel like i am everyone's last priority, like no one wants to see me. trying to arrange anything is like pulling teeth, and it shouldn't have to be like that. i've barely done anything fun. i'm just working and then on my days off, i sit at home doing nothing. i hate it. part of me really wants to go back to school right now, but then i think back to last year and how lonely i was all the time. i'm afraid that i'm setting my expectations for next year way too high. i keep telling myself that i'm going to make all of these new friends this year, and i try to convince myself that it won't turn out like last year. i just don't know what i can do differently to change it. i tried so frickin hard to make friends last year, but to no avail. my whole situation is just really frustrating. i thought that at least when i came home for the summer, my old friends would want to see me and spend time with me. i've barely seen any of them. i just don't know.

there's no way that's urine.

this has been a spectacular week. i got to see one of my favorite bands, the maine, on monday night. they were playing at showbox sodo with boys like girls, good charlotte and metro station. all of the bands were really good. i really didn't even want to see good charlotte. i know a few of their songs, but i just thought they were so overrated. they put on such an amazing show and got the crowd so loud it was unbelievable. metro station was also very good, which was unexpected. and boys like girls were wonderful...so many screaming girls, but still wonderful. obviously, my favorite was the maine. they are so amazing live i can't even describe. the pit was insanity....so many bodies all mashed in together, body parts everywhere. plus, there was this creeper [probably a straight up pedophile or convicted sex offender] standing right in front of me before the show started. he was standing there all alone, a book in his back pocket, listening to an ipod, with a baseball cap on. he was probably in his late 50's. me and emilie were listening to metro station on my ipod while waiting for the show to start. he kept looking back at me and finally mumbled something to me. i couldn't understand so i said "what?" and he repeated "i'll show you my playlist if you show me yours..." i was so creeped out that i just looked away and didn't respond. when i didn't respond, he's like "are you interested?" so i just said "we're listening to metro station, okay? it's metro station." it was so awkward...like we were legitimately creeped out by it. i told emilie that as soon as the show started, we would jump/mosh our way away from him, which we did. the maine came out and everyone started screaming. i think it was mostly just the hype of the concert starting, because not that many people were singing along or seemed to really know the songs. the crowd was absolutely insane. i almost got pushed over like five times. it was just a messy sweatfest in the pit. we left it after the maine played cause we were hecka sweaty. we got some drinks and hung out in the back. metro station played next, then good charlotte. while good charlotte played, we were standing behind this one dude who was totally spazzing out the whole time. no one else around us was moving, except for him. i actually took a video of it because it was so hilarious. we bought some merch before boys like girls came on. i bought a shirt and emilie bought two. boys like girls played last, and they were really good. they were better than i thought they'd be, but they didn't do an encore which i thought was odd. we waited around inside for a while because we thought the maine would come hang out by their merch table after the show. there was a group of about thirty girls just standing around waiting for them. when we were giving up and just going to leave because we were being kicked out, i overheard their merch guy tell another girl that the guys were talking outside. we had waited in the venue for half an hour while they were outside. awesome. when we finally got out the door, we saw five clumps of girls....which we knew were around the five band members, haha. we talked to pat first, and that was fun. he signed our shirts and we got pictures. he's just so cute, you want to pinch his cheeks, haha. he was really nice. then we talked to jared. i told him how much i love the new album, and he said he was glad, haha. then we moved on to kennedy, because there wasn't really anyone around him. he was super nice just like last time. then we went to garrett. when we went over to him, there was a girl and her mom talking to him and getting autographs. when they started to walk away, the mom was still talking to him, and the girl started screaming "mom! just stop talking, just stop talking!" then she buried her head in her hands haha. garrett turned to us and he's like "i don' t know why people get so embarrassed, i'd want my mom to talk to people!" we talked about that for a couple minutes. in the mean time, that girl had run away at full speed. we all started cracking up. it was sooo hilarious. then we went to talk to john, who had the biggest circle of people around him. we ended up just hanging out there for like twenty minutes because we wanted the circle of people to get smaller, which it never really did. but, while we were standing there talking with him and a bunch of other girls, we all realized that we were standing in urine. john's like "there's no way that's urine...there's no way." the maine's trailer was right behind us and behind the trailer was the tour bus for one of the other bands. apparently, they had just dumped their toilet on the street, and we were standing in it. obviously we all moved. the joke for the rest of the night was that john had peed his pants hardcore. it was pretty funny, but it stunk so bad! we finally got a chance to talk to him and while he was signing my shirt, i was like "i have a question for you..." and he's like "yeah? whats up?" so i asked him what eighty-one twenty-three is. it's in their song called 'we all roll along' and i had listened to it over and over and had no idea what eighty-one twenty-three was. apparently it was an old parking garage where he and his friends hung out a lot. they'd go up to the top of it and just chill. we got pictures, talked a little more, and then we peaced out of there. by the time we left, we had been hanging around after the concert ended for an hour and a half. but it was soo much fun. it wasn't fun waking up to go to work the next day, but it was so worth it.

i love going to shows. emilie put it so perfectly while we were driving home. she said that it gives you a high, without actually doing anything. and that is exactly what it is. i always just feel amazing after leaving a show, whether it be bands that i love, bands that i just kinda like, local bands, hugely popular bands, whatever. and i think this is why so many kids go to shows all the time. for a few hours you can enter the venue and forget everything outside. it takes you to a whole other world where your problems no longer exist, a world where everything is fine, and everyone gets along. that's another thing i love - that you automatically have something in common with every person in the room - a love for the same music. and, people aren't judgemental. you can wear whatever the heck you want and dance around the a buffoon and no one would think less of you.

i went to see the dark knight at midnight at bella botega last night with my sisters. it was like a mad house. there were so many people. it was unreal. not to mention i saw like eight thousand people i know. okay, so that's an exaggeration, but i saw a lot. plus, i saw two of the guys from moneta, so that was weird. the movie was awesome. like, seriously one of the best movies i've seen in a long time. it definitely, definitely surpassed the awesomeness of batman begins. heath ledger was insane...you almost can't tell that it's him. christian bale is always amazing. it was just a really good movie.

works been going alright. i haven't been working as much as i'd like because there aren't enough shifts for all of the divisional employees, which is a little annoying. i got to work in children's on wednesday, so that was good. i'm making some good money still, which is really nice. it's weird to think that i will only be working there for about another month. it's insane to me that i go back to school in less than six weeks. i do really honestly want to go back though. i'm really excited for my classes this semester, and i'm excited to live in a new dorm and meet some more new people.

now that i've been working, i've realized something about myself. i noticed that i can usually tell in about five minutes if i'm going to get along with someone or not. there's one person that i've only worked with a couple times, and i can already tell that this is someone that i don't want to be around. i'm always nice to people, even if i don't like them, but i would never be friends with this guy. he acts like he knows everything and that everyone else is scum. he looks down on everyone else and boasts about how much he sells. it's really annoying. i kinda can't stand him. luckily, i rarely work in the department he's in. i don't know, i wouldn't say it's like a 'sixth sense' or anything, i think i'm just really intuitive about people. though sometimes, this makes it difficult to have to work with people.

this is an outrage. i can't stop won't stop.

i've barely blogged at all this summer, though not for lack of spare time. work's been going alright i suppose. some days are better than others. i'm averaging about 32 hours a week, four eight hour days...though i only get paid for 28 of those hours. it's nice though because it's not quite full time, but more than part time. this week and next week i'm only working three days a week. i'm finally starting to get into the swing of things and to the point where i'm a little more comfortable with selling and all that jazz. i'm finding that i know how to do most of the stuff now, whereas before, i was always asking a ton of questions. plus, i must say, this job does pay really well. though it's near impossible to earn commission, especially as a divisonal employee. i've asked a ton of people if they've made commission, and none of them have. but, the 10.50 an hour is more than enough. i read in the sammamish review that qfc was hiring 'courtesy clerks' for 8.25 and hour...so i really have no reason to complain.

it was my birthday a few days ago. i don't feel any older. nineteen is kind of an in between age. eighteen is huge because you're half way legal. at twenty, you're not a teenager any more. and obviously at twenty-one, well, you know. so, it's great to be one year older, but not much has changed. i got some sweet gifts though. i got an amazing little speaker for my ipod. the sound quality is so good and portable. i also got zelda for my DS which i've been playing a lot in my spare time. then i also got psych season 1 on dvd, which is one of my favorite shows. ooh and i got two of these fantastic scarves from wet seal. honestly, no words can even describe them. they are spectacular. and i got some itunes gift cards, so i spent those right away.

on that note, the maine's new album, can't stop won't stop, came out on tuesday, july 8th. it is so wonderful. i've been listening to it non-stop since i bought it on tuesday. capital lights' album, this is an outrage, also came out on tuesday. i've only listened to it a couple times, but it is also really good. it was the first full-length for both of these bands, which is exciting. i have to memorize the maine's album though because i get to see them again on july 14th, which is only a few days away. i am so freaking excited to see them again. i saw them in spokane while i was at school. i was really loved their ep, but i fell even more in love after i saw them live. plus, they were seriously the sweetest guys i've ever met...just genuinely happy to meet their fans and so appreciative of each and every fan. that quality is very rare in bands these days, especially once they start to get more popular.

it's weirding me out to think that i go back to school in less than eight weeks. it's odd. there's a part of me that wants to never go back. and then there's another part that is really excited to go back. i think the excited part is thinking that i'm actually going to get out of my little bubble next year. freshman year kind of helped me learn what not to do at college, haha. such as, only hanging out with like two people for the first two weeks, and then by default, the entire year. i'm excited for some new freshmen, and i'm going to really try to make an effort to make friends in all my classes. and, i must say, i am really pumped to be living in ballard. i think it will be a much better living environment for me. it just feels like home when i walk in there....probably because it looks like a house, with a cute little living room type lounge, a fireplace, and home-y staircases. haha. it doesn't feel like a dorm, and i like that. plus, i'm excited to meet some new girls and also hang out with the guys in mac.

i've started running again, which is awesome. for some reason when i got home from school i had this phobia that people would see me if i went out. i also used the excuse that i was just too tired from working all day (which was partially true...it's really hard standing on your feet for eight hours a day). i finally went out for a run a few days ago and it felt amazing. i just love listening to my ipod and running until i can't go any more. i'm going to try to go a lot more.

the new batman movie comes out soon, and i'm thoroughly excited. i've heard that it's really dark, but really amazing. i mean, come on, it's christian bale and heath ledger. how could that be bad?! and i'm really glad that they replaced katie holmes as rachel. i really don't like katie holmes.

oh, i forgot. i did a painting the other day. it's not quite finished, i still have to paint on the words. it looks nothing at all like the vision i had in my head...so we'll see how the finished product looks. if anything, i'll just paint over it later or throw it away, haha. it felt good to paint something on my own time, and to paint what i wanted...instead of a to scale painting of the painting studio or a life size self portrait. goodness, that painting class was so horrible. i'm really glad that i changed my major...i might be losing my mind if i was still doing graphic design.

i suppose i should go to bed. i do have to work tomorrow, though not until 11:30, which is really nice. i like the 11:30-7:30 shift because then i don't have to open and i don't have to close. i can just go, work, and leave and not have to deal with the opening or closing the register and all that crap. i'm surprisingly not that tired right now, even though i didn't go to bed until about 2:45 am last night. i'm sure once my head hits that pillow i will be out like a light. peace.