I have a feeling I'm going to regret taking that two and a half hour nap this evening. It's after one in the morning and I am wide awake. I don't know why I do this to myself.
Tomorrow is Friday, and in one week from tomorrow, I will be on my way home back to beautiful Seattle for two weeks. The Christmas spirit is finally starting to overcome me, and I couldn't be happier. This is my favorite time of year, and not because of presents. The decorations, the lights, the music, the warm sweaters and scarves, the trees and how they smell, the home-cooked meals, the happiness all around, all make this my favorite time of year. Christmas also means time with family and people I care about. It also means a break from school, which is especially welcome after a stressful last few weeks of the semester and finals.
I have also recently decided that the only day of the year that it is acceptable to snow on is Christmas day. There is just something magical about waking up on Christmas morning to look out your window and see the lovely Washington evergreens covered in a light blanket of white powder. There's no where to go, and I can sit with my family around the fireplace with the dogs sleeping by our sides, open presents, and enjoy the day in my pajamas. Of course, if it continues to snow for the next few days, this is not an ideal situation. but, it is acceptable.
I'm just so ready to be back home, in a place that feels right. I must admit that Spokane has grown on me, but Seattle has always, and will always be home to me. Though Spokane works for a while, a little part of me is always longing for home. This is especially true around the holidays. I absolutely cannot imagine being anywhere else this time of year.
The semester is waning, which my mind can't quite wrap itself around. Where have the last three months gone? because they're all a blur in my mind, and I can't slow the time down enough to actually see any part of it. I don't know if this is good or bad. There are some parts that I wish would just glaze over in my memory, but refuse to do so, and ultimately stick out like reminders of mistakes that simply won't abandon me. Other parts seem like fleeting moments that I wish would stick to my memory like superglue. In the end, I know can't take back any mistakes I have made, so I am determined to learn something from them. That's the point of making them, right? To learn? Sometimes I'd rather have not made them in the first place, and just learn to do the right thing by doing it the first time around. But life will never work that way. It wasn't designed to work that way.
Somehow I know it'll all work out in the end. But at the same time, I think about some of my dreams and wonder how in the world they'll ever come true. Even with an insane amount of hard work, chances are still slim. Things would have to fall into place just right, and how often does that happen - for anyone, but especially for someone like me with chronic bad luck? But I still keep dreaming. hoping. and I won't stop until I'm old and can't dream any more. I feel like I'm always looking forward to something that will hopefully happen at some point. I'm rarely in the now, rarely enjoying my current situation. There's almost always some place I'd rather be, some person I'd rather be with, some situation I'd much rather be in. Why is that? Why can't I ever just be happy with now? I don't think this is how it's supposed to be.
Maybe I just dream too much. I often find myself lost in daydreams and have to snap myself out of it. Where did I just spend the last fifteen minutes? Not in my statistics class or focusing on my business law reading or listening to the conversation someone is trying have with me, that's for certain. I spent them somewhere far away. Somewhere past or future, or somewhere that's neither - somewhere in some time that will never come to be, as much as I try to wish it into existence. So I end up reluctantly returning to the here and now, the moment that has come to be. and I accept it.
It's hard to sit and wait for dreams to come true. And I'm not talking about the outlandish dreams that will most likely never come to fruition. I'm talking about the normal dreams, like cooking dinner in my own apartment, walking down the aisle, sitting at my desk at my future job, or driving a car I've purchased with my own money. I suppose some of these things may never happen, though I fervently hope they do. And I wait for them.
I must try to work on enjoying my now. It's not like I'm an unhappy person, in fact, it's quite the opposite. I don't hate what I have now, I just know that there's more in store for me. More is coming. But God also said to not worry about tomorrow. I like The Message's translation best. "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes" Matthew 6:34. I will try my hardest to obey.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I like wishful thinking, at least for a while.
I just finished writing an essay on social media, which made me want to come blog, even though I have nothing exciting to blog about.
Thanksgiving provided me with a much needed break for a few days. I was nearly losing my mind having not had a break all semester. I promised myself I wasn't going to do any homework or studying over break, and I kept that promise. Admittedly, it wasn't very hard to do. I was able to get my hair cut and colored while I was home, which was so nice! It's really short right now, but it has some red it in and I'm loving it. Plus, it's extremely manageable when it is short like this. I was able to go to bauhaus twice while I was home, though I didn't make it to victor's at all. At least I'll be home again in less than two weeks so I can go then. I went shopping on black friday for the first time. fail or win? Well, it was a lot crazier than I expected, but I found some good deals, so I think it was worth it in the end. Also, I was able to go back to slave to the needle to get a shorter stud for my monroe which was much needed. Now it doesn't stick out awkwardly or catch on my gum, which was extremely annoying. Thanksgiving meal was satisfying, though it's never been my favorite. I don't really like turkey, or the whole concept of eating one giant meal and then feeling lazy the rest of the day. It was still fun though, and my family watched White Christmas like we do every year. I mostly like Thanksgiving because it is the beginning of the Christmas season for my family. I don't allow myself to listen to Christmas music until then, so it's very exciting to be able to break out the holiday tunes finally. Listening to Christmas music while studying helps to motivate me and remind me that I only have to tough it out for a couple more weeks until I'm home in lovely Seattle again.
Of course, the fact that I have two weeks left is a very daunting prospect at this point in time. This is mostly because I have two major projects, in addition to multiple tests and papers - not including the finals that at the end of all that. I'd much rather have a month in which to complete all of this work, but I have just over two weeks. Both of my projects are due on Tuesday, which means this weekend is going to be hell. Maybe I'll get lucky, and they'll actually be super easy. I like wishful thinking, at least for a while. It keeps me sane, makes me able to take things one day, one step at a time. I am so ready for these classes to be over though. Well, for the most part. I hate my probability and statistics and physics classes, but I absolutely love my publicity and consumer behavior classes. Unfortunately, my hatred for physics outweighs and good feelings I have towards other classes. I can't wait for it to be over. I'm just praying that I'll pass. I'm not too worried.
I have already done some of my Christmas shopping, which is kind of a miracle. I already know what I'm getting for my sister, and then I only have a few more presents to get. I'm normally so behind on all this, so I'm feeling good. My break doesn't start until December 18th this year, when it's normally much earlier than that, so I only have a few days to make my last minute present purchases. Oh, and my sister wants me to play guitar for her to sing at the Christmas Eve service at my mom's church. I kind of want to throw up thinking about it. I haven't played guitar in front of more than eight people, so thinking of getting up in front of hundreds makes me sick. I hate performing, but I know it will be rewarding in the end. It doesn't help that I pressured my sister to figure out exactly what we were going to play when we were home for Thanksgiving and it's still not set in stone. So, we're going to have about five days to rehearse and get it down completely before we have to perform in front of hundreds of people. kill me, please.
I feel kind of bad that I'm writing this in the coffee shop right now (while listening to Forever The Sickest Kids' new EP, which is amazing, by the way!). There ig a guy sitting right next to me at the bar with all of the stools, despite the fact that there were at least ten open chairs along the bar. I feel like it's kind of weird to choose to sit right next to someone when there are that many open seats, especially since I had books and stuff spread around me to work on my essay. So, back to the reason I feel bad. I have typed this whole thing, and my keys are not very quiet. It's not like I'm pounding on them, but they do click kind of obnoxiously and I'm typing quite fast. I'm afraid I am bothering him. But, let's be honest, if he's annoyed, it's his own fault for awkwardly choosing to sit right next to me when all of the other seats were empty.
I haven't been to a show in a while, especially one that I might consider a "high energy" show. I've been dying to see Artist vs Poet again, but they haven't come up to the northwest recently. I miss going to shows all the time, especially since I went to so many over the summer. I have gone to quite a few since the semester started, but not a lot of upbeat ones. I'm hoping I'll get to see The Classic Crime over Christmas break. They're playing at the showbox on december 18th, which is the first day of break. I'm just praying I'll get home in time to go. I pretty much have to go because, well, it's The Classic Crime, and because they are playing with Moneta! I haven't seen Moneta in almost a year and a half. This makes me so sad. But at the same time, I am kind of angry with them right now. Apparently two members left the band - two original members, who I used to get tickets from. In fact, I still have their numbers in my cell phone haha. There was no kind of announcement on the band myspace or anything - new pictures were pasted over theirs. It just upsets me that they'd treat the situation with such nonchalance. But, I do still love them, so I'm willing to give the new line-up a chance.
I only have 16 days until I am home again for two weeks. I can't wait to get out of this cold for a while. It is truly horrific!
Thanksgiving provided me with a much needed break for a few days. I was nearly losing my mind having not had a break all semester. I promised myself I wasn't going to do any homework or studying over break, and I kept that promise. Admittedly, it wasn't very hard to do. I was able to get my hair cut and colored while I was home, which was so nice! It's really short right now, but it has some red it in and I'm loving it. Plus, it's extremely manageable when it is short like this. I was able to go to bauhaus twice while I was home, though I didn't make it to victor's at all. At least I'll be home again in less than two weeks so I can go then. I went shopping on black friday for the first time. fail or win? Well, it was a lot crazier than I expected, but I found some good deals, so I think it was worth it in the end. Also, I was able to go back to slave to the needle to get a shorter stud for my monroe which was much needed. Now it doesn't stick out awkwardly or catch on my gum, which was extremely annoying. Thanksgiving meal was satisfying, though it's never been my favorite. I don't really like turkey, or the whole concept of eating one giant meal and then feeling lazy the rest of the day. It was still fun though, and my family watched White Christmas like we do every year. I mostly like Thanksgiving because it is the beginning of the Christmas season for my family. I don't allow myself to listen to Christmas music until then, so it's very exciting to be able to break out the holiday tunes finally. Listening to Christmas music while studying helps to motivate me and remind me that I only have to tough it out for a couple more weeks until I'm home in lovely Seattle again.
Of course, the fact that I have two weeks left is a very daunting prospect at this point in time. This is mostly because I have two major projects, in addition to multiple tests and papers - not including the finals that at the end of all that. I'd much rather have a month in which to complete all of this work, but I have just over two weeks. Both of my projects are due on Tuesday, which means this weekend is going to be hell. Maybe I'll get lucky, and they'll actually be super easy. I like wishful thinking, at least for a while. It keeps me sane, makes me able to take things one day, one step at a time. I am so ready for these classes to be over though. Well, for the most part. I hate my probability and statistics and physics classes, but I absolutely love my publicity and consumer behavior classes. Unfortunately, my hatred for physics outweighs and good feelings I have towards other classes. I can't wait for it to be over. I'm just praying that I'll pass. I'm not too worried.
I have already done some of my Christmas shopping, which is kind of a miracle. I already know what I'm getting for my sister, and then I only have a few more presents to get. I'm normally so behind on all this, so I'm feeling good. My break doesn't start until December 18th this year, when it's normally much earlier than that, so I only have a few days to make my last minute present purchases. Oh, and my sister wants me to play guitar for her to sing at the Christmas Eve service at my mom's church. I kind of want to throw up thinking about it. I haven't played guitar in front of more than eight people, so thinking of getting up in front of hundreds makes me sick. I hate performing, but I know it will be rewarding in the end. It doesn't help that I pressured my sister to figure out exactly what we were going to play when we were home for Thanksgiving and it's still not set in stone. So, we're going to have about five days to rehearse and get it down completely before we have to perform in front of hundreds of people. kill me, please.
I feel kind of bad that I'm writing this in the coffee shop right now (while listening to Forever The Sickest Kids' new EP, which is amazing, by the way!). There ig a guy sitting right next to me at the bar with all of the stools, despite the fact that there were at least ten open chairs along the bar. I feel like it's kind of weird to choose to sit right next to someone when there are that many open seats, especially since I had books and stuff spread around me to work on my essay. So, back to the reason I feel bad. I have typed this whole thing, and my keys are not very quiet. It's not like I'm pounding on them, but they do click kind of obnoxiously and I'm typing quite fast. I'm afraid I am bothering him. But, let's be honest, if he's annoyed, it's his own fault for awkwardly choosing to sit right next to me when all of the other seats were empty.
I haven't been to a show in a while, especially one that I might consider a "high energy" show. I've been dying to see Artist vs Poet again, but they haven't come up to the northwest recently. I miss going to shows all the time, especially since I went to so many over the summer. I have gone to quite a few since the semester started, but not a lot of upbeat ones. I'm hoping I'll get to see The Classic Crime over Christmas break. They're playing at the showbox on december 18th, which is the first day of break. I'm just praying I'll get home in time to go. I pretty much have to go because, well, it's The Classic Crime, and because they are playing with Moneta! I haven't seen Moneta in almost a year and a half. This makes me so sad. But at the same time, I am kind of angry with them right now. Apparently two members left the band - two original members, who I used to get tickets from. In fact, I still have their numbers in my cell phone haha. There was no kind of announcement on the band myspace or anything - new pictures were pasted over theirs. It just upsets me that they'd treat the situation with such nonchalance. But, I do still love them, so I'm willing to give the new line-up a chance.
I only have 16 days until I am home again for two weeks. I can't wait to get out of this cold for a while. It is truly horrific!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
It's like chocolate in my mouth.
There are only a few more days until I get to go home for thanksgiving break! I leave Tuesday morning and don't come back to Spokane until Sunday. It is the perfect length of break - not too long, but not too short - enough time to do everything I want to do, but not enough time to get bored.
I had a physics test on Friday that I had been worrying about all week. I studied extremely hard and felt well-prepared. Unfortunately, the test included questions that I didn't study at all. There was one question that I had no idea how to do. I wasn't even just confused, I was lost. There's no doubt in my mind that I completely failed. I probably got about %30, judging by the way my professor grades the tests. I'm not exaggerating. Oh well, it's over now and there's nothing I can do, so I'm just not going to worry about it any more. Luckily, I have nothing major due on Monday, and I'm not going to any classes on Tuesday, so I can cruise right into break.
This will be the first time that Rebecca and I will be making the Spokane-Seattle road trip together just the two of us, which should be super fun! I am so ready to go home for a little while. This is actually the longest I've been away from home. Normally I go home in October for fall break, but I didn't this year. It's kind of weird. But at the same time, I'm not going that crazy. I really just miss Seattle and all of the fun adventures I had over the summer with my sister. And of course, the coffee. But, I did have dutch bros today, which was amazing. I forgot how good it is. I can only drink it once in a while though because it is soooo rich and chocolately. In fact, after my first sip, I exclaimed to Rebecca, "It's like chocolate in my mouth!" which is pretty much just stating the obvious.
Tomorrow, I think I'm going to bake some cookies. I have some extra eggs from when I made cupcakes a couple weeks ago, and I bought a cookie mix and a brownie mix today! I love baking. Though, it's really inconvenient to do at school since I don't have any cooking supplies, and we aren't supplied any in the dorms...but I make do.
Three more days until home...Seattle, here I come!
I had a physics test on Friday that I had been worrying about all week. I studied extremely hard and felt well-prepared. Unfortunately, the test included questions that I didn't study at all. There was one question that I had no idea how to do. I wasn't even just confused, I was lost. There's no doubt in my mind that I completely failed. I probably got about %30, judging by the way my professor grades the tests. I'm not exaggerating. Oh well, it's over now and there's nothing I can do, so I'm just not going to worry about it any more. Luckily, I have nothing major due on Monday, and I'm not going to any classes on Tuesday, so I can cruise right into break.
This will be the first time that Rebecca and I will be making the Spokane-Seattle road trip together just the two of us, which should be super fun! I am so ready to go home for a little while. This is actually the longest I've been away from home. Normally I go home in October for fall break, but I didn't this year. It's kind of weird. But at the same time, I'm not going that crazy. I really just miss Seattle and all of the fun adventures I had over the summer with my sister. And of course, the coffee. But, I did have dutch bros today, which was amazing. I forgot how good it is. I can only drink it once in a while though because it is soooo rich and chocolately. In fact, after my first sip, I exclaimed to Rebecca, "It's like chocolate in my mouth!" which is pretty much just stating the obvious.
Tomorrow, I think I'm going to bake some cookies. I have some extra eggs from when I made cupcakes a couple weeks ago, and I bought a cookie mix and a brownie mix today! I love baking. Though, it's really inconvenient to do at school since I don't have any cooking supplies, and we aren't supplied any in the dorms...but I make do.
Three more days until home...Seattle, here I come!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
My life seems to be in order for once.
Junior year has been one hundred percent insanity. I feel like I am constantly moving at a million miles an hour, and nearly always working on less than five hours of sleep. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of good times with friends and have made some new ones, which has been fun. It's just that with the combination of 18 credits of hard classes and the social stuff, I feel like my life is spiralling out of control. As we're nearing the last few weeks of the semester, classes are starting to pick up now. We've got two weeks left before Thanksgiving break, and two after we come back. When I think about all the projects and tests and assignments I still have to do in those four weeks, I start panicking. Will I be able to get it all done? If I take things a day at a time, it's not nearly as overwhelming, but a very small part of my brain is in a state of constant worry about classes and other things. I must admit, that despite the craziness, this year has been amazing so far. I love all of the people that are in my life right now, probably more than they know. I've finally found a church that I am satisfied with, after two years of searching. I've seen a lot of good shows and been on some fun adventures. Even with all the worry in the back of my mind, my life seems to be in order for once.
Lately, God's been answering my prayers like I've never known before. I feel like any time I utter even the smallest prayer, he hears me and responds. I am so thankful. It may be partly due to the fact that, this semester in particular, I've been trying to just give everything over to Him - even the smallest problems. Life is so much less stressful when I'm not trying to work everything out on my own. Yes, I still have problems and worries, but knowing that God will help me through them is unbelievably encouraging.
Apart from all that, not much has been happening. Thanksgiving break is in two weeks from tomorrow. I'm so stoked, it's insane. I'm getting my hair cut and colored, which will be extremely necessary by the time I get home. I'm already getting annoyed straightening it right now because it's grown so much, and the color's grown out a lot as well. It doesn't look that bad, but it'll be nice to come back to school all fresh. In addition to that little appointment, I'll also get to see my sisters and hang out with them all weekend! I miss them so. And I also miss Bauhaus and Victor's, which will both be very necessary while I'm home...possibly even Caffe Vita too, if I can swing it. Oh, and I'll be getting a shorter stud for my monroe when I'm home so that it won't stick out so far, which will be very nice. Did I mention the pumpkin pie that I'll be making? And the amazing fresh-baked rolls that we only get once a year? and the best thing about thanksgiving? The fact that it's the start of the Christmas season. I love Christmas time more than any other time of the year. I can't wait!
Lately, God's been answering my prayers like I've never known before. I feel like any time I utter even the smallest prayer, he hears me and responds. I am so thankful. It may be partly due to the fact that, this semester in particular, I've been trying to just give everything over to Him - even the smallest problems. Life is so much less stressful when I'm not trying to work everything out on my own. Yes, I still have problems and worries, but knowing that God will help me through them is unbelievably encouraging.
Apart from all that, not much has been happening. Thanksgiving break is in two weeks from tomorrow. I'm so stoked, it's insane. I'm getting my hair cut and colored, which will be extremely necessary by the time I get home. I'm already getting annoyed straightening it right now because it's grown so much, and the color's grown out a lot as well. It doesn't look that bad, but it'll be nice to come back to school all fresh. In addition to that little appointment, I'll also get to see my sisters and hang out with them all weekend! I miss them so. And I also miss Bauhaus and Victor's, which will both be very necessary while I'm home...possibly even Caffe Vita too, if I can swing it. Oh, and I'll be getting a shorter stud for my monroe when I'm home so that it won't stick out so far, which will be very nice. Did I mention the pumpkin pie that I'll be making? And the amazing fresh-baked rolls that we only get once a year? and the best thing about thanksgiving? The fact that it's the start of the Christmas season. I love Christmas time more than any other time of the year. I can't wait!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Halloween will not be very halloweeny.
I've never really liked Halloween. Even as a kid, it was always a competition for who had the better outfit or who could get the most candy. Now that I'm older, it seems that Halloween is merely an occasion for girls to dress like sluts, which annoys me. So, this year, halloween will not be very halloweeny for me. I'm not dressing up as anything, and I'm not going to any parties - at least that I know of yet.
It's fall break weekend, so I didn't have class yesterday and I don't have class on Monday either. The last two years, I have gone home for fall break but I decided to stay on campus this year. I am so glad I decided to stay. It's so much more of a break when I don't have to pack up and drive five hours, have a couple days to rest and then drive another five hours back to school. Granted, I would have loved to be enjoying a bauhaus latte and seattle people-watching on this wonderful saturday afternoon, but I can wait until thanksgiving break for that. I would also have loved to get my hair cut this weekend, but that can also wait.
I am finding that I rarely miss home, as in my actual house, but I do miss Seattle and the surrounding areas. I miss the city. Spokane is just not the same. At least I've only got a little over a year and a half left of college - crazy! It's starting to really dawn on me now. I'm currently in the process of choosing classes for next semester, and it's really scary to realize that I only have three semesters left here. That also means I only have three semesters left to get all of my credits done, which is scary, considering that classes are rarely at convenient times and classes I need often overlap, preventing me from taking some that I need. I'm only slightly worried about it.
It's almost November, and that scares the heck out of me. Where did September and October go? This semester is flying by. This is probably due to the fact that I have a lot of hard classes, and therefore, my life has been pretty much owned by studying. Though, I will say, I've been able to go to a lot of good shows since coming to school. Let's see...I've seen goodnight sunrise/good kids bad ideas, barcelona/allen stone, the lonely forest, mt st helens vietnam band, and the scene aesthetic/owl city. So, I really shouldn't complain.
Overall, I am pretty happy with life in general right now, which is always a nice thing to be able to say. I mean, sure, some things are not ideal at the moment (such as my computer being a jerk to me and needing a new hard drive), but it's nothing I can't manage with a smile on my face.
It's fall break weekend, so I didn't have class yesterday and I don't have class on Monday either. The last two years, I have gone home for fall break but I decided to stay on campus this year. I am so glad I decided to stay. It's so much more of a break when I don't have to pack up and drive five hours, have a couple days to rest and then drive another five hours back to school. Granted, I would have loved to be enjoying a bauhaus latte and seattle people-watching on this wonderful saturday afternoon, but I can wait until thanksgiving break for that. I would also have loved to get my hair cut this weekend, but that can also wait.
I am finding that I rarely miss home, as in my actual house, but I do miss Seattle and the surrounding areas. I miss the city. Spokane is just not the same. At least I've only got a little over a year and a half left of college - crazy! It's starting to really dawn on me now. I'm currently in the process of choosing classes for next semester, and it's really scary to realize that I only have three semesters left here. That also means I only have three semesters left to get all of my credits done, which is scary, considering that classes are rarely at convenient times and classes I need often overlap, preventing me from taking some that I need. I'm only slightly worried about it.
It's almost November, and that scares the heck out of me. Where did September and October go? This semester is flying by. This is probably due to the fact that I have a lot of hard classes, and therefore, my life has been pretty much owned by studying. Though, I will say, I've been able to go to a lot of good shows since coming to school. Let's see...I've seen goodnight sunrise/good kids bad ideas, barcelona/allen stone, the lonely forest, mt st helens vietnam band, and the scene aesthetic/owl city. So, I really shouldn't complain.
Overall, I am pretty happy with life in general right now, which is always a nice thing to be able to say. I mean, sure, some things are not ideal at the moment (such as my computer being a jerk to me and needing a new hard drive), but it's nothing I can't manage with a smile on my face.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
You'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living.
I hate this society.
I have made the choice in my life to not drink - at least for now. There are a few good reasons for this. One, I just don't see the need. If I can have fun without mind-altering substances, why should I take them at all? Two, I have seen that it often makes people do things they wouldn't otherwise do - things they usually regret and have to deal with later. Third, it causes you to lose control in a sense. And while I understand that that is one reason why people like to drink, I do not find that part of it appealing. I don't want to be afraid that I'll say or do something I shouldn't. Fourth (and probably the least important), is that it is currently illegal for me to drink. I am not 21, and I know that I am probably one of the only 20-year-olds in America that has not played beer pong or gone to a "party." And to be perfectly honest, I'm not ashamed.
This leads me to why I hate this society. It makes me want to feel ashamed for never exposing myself to alcohol. My way of life is often frowned upon by others my age or even those older than me. I'm seen as too innocent, sheltered, boring, the list could go on. Why is it so bad that I haven't broken the law like everyone else my age? Why is it so bad that I'm trying be a responsible adult? Why is it so bad that I don't want to binge drink and end up throwing up all over someone's floor? I just don't understand.
Like I said, I am not ashamed of the life I've chosen to lead. I don't care what others think of me, and I've kind of always been that way. It's the only way to live if you want to be happy. If you're constantly worried about what other people think of your decisions, actions, or even clothing choices, you'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living. A couple weeks ago right before classes started, I was picking up some books from the HUB that I had ordered online. There was a group of about seven people standing behind me in line. I was just minding my own business and happened to overhear some of their conversation (which was not quiet). They were clearly making fun of my hair - saying things like "I think it's really stupid when people have streaks in their hair that aren't natural. It's so obvious and it looks so dumb." After hearing that, I could have run crying to my room - or confronted them, which would have been fun! Instead, I kept my mouth shut, laughed to myself, and didn't bat an eye about it. If I like my hair, why should I care what seven random strangers think about my hair? I mean, let's be honest. They only wish they could pull this off.
I strive to live my life according to the way I want - not the way others want (unless you include God in the "others"...cause his opinion does matter). It's a waste of time, energy, and emotions to worry about other peoples' opinions of me.
I have made the choice in my life to not drink - at least for now. There are a few good reasons for this. One, I just don't see the need. If I can have fun without mind-altering substances, why should I take them at all? Two, I have seen that it often makes people do things they wouldn't otherwise do - things they usually regret and have to deal with later. Third, it causes you to lose control in a sense. And while I understand that that is one reason why people like to drink, I do not find that part of it appealing. I don't want to be afraid that I'll say or do something I shouldn't. Fourth (and probably the least important), is that it is currently illegal for me to drink. I am not 21, and I know that I am probably one of the only 20-year-olds in America that has not played beer pong or gone to a "party." And to be perfectly honest, I'm not ashamed.
This leads me to why I hate this society. It makes me want to feel ashamed for never exposing myself to alcohol. My way of life is often frowned upon by others my age or even those older than me. I'm seen as too innocent, sheltered, boring, the list could go on. Why is it so bad that I haven't broken the law like everyone else my age? Why is it so bad that I'm trying be a responsible adult? Why is it so bad that I don't want to binge drink and end up throwing up all over someone's floor? I just don't understand.
Like I said, I am not ashamed of the life I've chosen to lead. I don't care what others think of me, and I've kind of always been that way. It's the only way to live if you want to be happy. If you're constantly worried about what other people think of your decisions, actions, or even clothing choices, you'll spend your entire life worrying instead of really living. A couple weeks ago right before classes started, I was picking up some books from the HUB that I had ordered online. There was a group of about seven people standing behind me in line. I was just minding my own business and happened to overhear some of their conversation (which was not quiet). They were clearly making fun of my hair - saying things like "I think it's really stupid when people have streaks in their hair that aren't natural. It's so obvious and it looks so dumb." After hearing that, I could have run crying to my room - or confronted them, which would have been fun! Instead, I kept my mouth shut, laughed to myself, and didn't bat an eye about it. If I like my hair, why should I care what seven random strangers think about my hair? I mean, let's be honest. They only wish they could pull this off.
I strive to live my life according to the way I want - not the way others want (unless you include God in the "others"...cause his opinion does matter). It's a waste of time, energy, and emotions to worry about other peoples' opinions of me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
i'd rather forgo dreams completely
I had a terrible dream last night. It was the kind of dream where you don't remember what happened right when you wake up, but you suddenly remember it later in the day like a light bulb flicking on. my dream came back to my memory in the middle of my publicity and public relations class this morning. this was horrible timing. my dream was, to put it lightly, quite disturbing. it made my whole body tense up and cringe upon remembering what had happened. i know it's not real, but my mind has a hard time distinguishing when the nightmare felt so realistic. now, this was not a typical nightmare. there were no monsters chasing after me or people dying around me. rather, i was put in a situation that was so uncomfortable that it is almost unbearable to think about it. sometimes, i find dreams to be interesting and exciting, but i'd rather forgo dreams completely if it meant never having ones like the one i had last night.
on another note, classes are going wonderfully. i absolutely love my tuesday/thursday classes. which is a good thing because they are longer than my MWF ones. the homework/study load is going to be significantly more than my last semester, so i'm trying to adjust to that. my goal is to do my homework the day it's assigned instead of the night before it's due. such a novel concept! it's actually quite freeing because then i'm never rushing to get things done at the last minute. we'll see how long this lasts though.
on another note, classes are going wonderfully. i absolutely love my tuesday/thursday classes. which is a good thing because they are longer than my MWF ones. the homework/study load is going to be significantly more than my last semester, so i'm trying to adjust to that. my goal is to do my homework the day it's assigned instead of the night before it's due. such a novel concept! it's actually quite freeing because then i'm never rushing to get things done at the last minute. we'll see how long this lasts though.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
my mind just soaks up everything i hear.
I moved back to Whitworth on Monday/labor day. i'm finally back, and so glad to be! it's been much too long since i've seen all these lovely people and enjoyed the beauty of being in the pinecone curtain. i'm living in a brand new dorm that just opened a couple weeks ago and it is fantastic. plus, i'm living in a single, so no roommate! i have been seriously enjoying it. it's nice to be able to have my own space to go and relax, but when i'm in my room i usually try to prop my door open so people can come chat when they walk by. but, if i ever need the peace and quiet completely by myself, i can shut my door and not be bothered by anyone. it's a kind of crazy thing for me to have at college since i'm so used to having someone with me all the time. i never have to leave my room to find a place to have a private phone conversation or tip toe around my room while getting dressed in the morning. i'm really glad to have had the experience of living with a roommate in such small quarters and i do think i've grown as a person because of it. but, i've experienced enough of that and am so ready to have my own space.
my room is much larger than i was anticipating it would be. i have so much space. i even have a little reading nook with a large comfy chair and curtains on my windows. awesome? most definitely. all the girls on my hall are jealous of my room - probably because they all wish they were living in singles too, and i'm not surprised. it is wonderful.
classes started today, which i was stoked on. i actually really love learning. my mind just soaks up everything i hear. i had probability and statistics at 8am, which is gonna be sort of brutal. my prof is a really old guy who talks super slow. an un-animated professor + 8am = falling asleep. but, at least i have a friend in that class, which was a nice surprise. then i have physics with rebecca, which was kinda awkward. we're two juniors (i'm a marketing major and she's a math major) in a class of all freshmen science majors. one kid was the definition of nerd: black solar system t-shirt, fleece sweatshirt tied around his waste, and tevas with high-top white socks. it was so epically awesome. that class is probably going to be the death of me, but i think it will be enjoyable with rebecca, and i like the subject. my last class today was business law, which i was completely dreading. i am not interested in law. at all. luckily, the professor is hilarious - and not the kind of hilarious where they even realize they are funny. he doesn't purposefully make jokes, he just says things that are really funny. plus, he wears all sorts of colorful bow ties every day. and who doesn't love bow ties? i mean, honestly. i knew at least one person in that class as well and chatted a bit with the other people at my table, so i don't think that class will end up being too brutal.
i can't wait for my classes tomorrow! my first class isn't until 9:30, which is much nicer than 8am, and it is publicity and public relations. i'm hoping it will be a really awesome class, and it completely relates to marketing and what i want to do. plus, apparently the class only has like 20 people in it, so that should be good. unfortunately, it is a journalism class, so i probably won't know any of the people in it since the majority of my classes have been business classes. but meeting new people is always fun! then i have consumer behavior with my adviser, who is super passionate about marketing. it will be my first designated "marketing" class, whereas most of my classes have been the general business requirements. it will be fun to be in a class with my fellow marketing majors.
i had sort of mixed feelings about coming back to school the last week i was home. part of me wanted to stay in seattle and drink coffee everyday and read the stranger and people-watch all day - to be in a place where i felt content. another part of me couldn't wait to get back and see all of my friends and start the new year. honestly, i am super glad to be back - happier about it than i ever thought i would be. despite my car troubles that have been stressing me out, i've loved every minute of being back here. i'm sure i will inevitably get to a point in the year when i need to go back and visit seattle (and get a real cup of coffee). until then, i'm going to wholly enjoy my time here on this beautiful campus with all these awesome people.
my room is much larger than i was anticipating it would be. i have so much space. i even have a little reading nook with a large comfy chair and curtains on my windows. awesome? most definitely. all the girls on my hall are jealous of my room - probably because they all wish they were living in singles too, and i'm not surprised. it is wonderful.
classes started today, which i was stoked on. i actually really love learning. my mind just soaks up everything i hear. i had probability and statistics at 8am, which is gonna be sort of brutal. my prof is a really old guy who talks super slow. an un-animated professor + 8am = falling asleep. but, at least i have a friend in that class, which was a nice surprise. then i have physics with rebecca, which was kinda awkward. we're two juniors (i'm a marketing major and she's a math major) in a class of all freshmen science majors. one kid was the definition of nerd: black solar system t-shirt, fleece sweatshirt tied around his waste, and tevas with high-top white socks. it was so epically awesome. that class is probably going to be the death of me, but i think it will be enjoyable with rebecca, and i like the subject. my last class today was business law, which i was completely dreading. i am not interested in law. at all. luckily, the professor is hilarious - and not the kind of hilarious where they even realize they are funny. he doesn't purposefully make jokes, he just says things that are really funny. plus, he wears all sorts of colorful bow ties every day. and who doesn't love bow ties? i mean, honestly. i knew at least one person in that class as well and chatted a bit with the other people at my table, so i don't think that class will end up being too brutal.
i can't wait for my classes tomorrow! my first class isn't until 9:30, which is much nicer than 8am, and it is publicity and public relations. i'm hoping it will be a really awesome class, and it completely relates to marketing and what i want to do. plus, apparently the class only has like 20 people in it, so that should be good. unfortunately, it is a journalism class, so i probably won't know any of the people in it since the majority of my classes have been business classes. but meeting new people is always fun! then i have consumer behavior with my adviser, who is super passionate about marketing. it will be my first designated "marketing" class, whereas most of my classes have been the general business requirements. it will be fun to be in a class with my fellow marketing majors.
i had sort of mixed feelings about coming back to school the last week i was home. part of me wanted to stay in seattle and drink coffee everyday and read the stranger and people-watch all day - to be in a place where i felt content. another part of me couldn't wait to get back and see all of my friends and start the new year. honestly, i am super glad to be back - happier about it than i ever thought i would be. despite my car troubles that have been stressing me out, i've loved every minute of being back here. i'm sure i will inevitably get to a point in the year when i need to go back and visit seattle (and get a real cup of coffee). until then, i'm going to wholly enjoy my time here on this beautiful campus with all these awesome people.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
they gave me percocet, which worked wonders.
a little over a week ago i had surgery on my thumb again. this time it was to remove the screws and plate i had put in two years ago. i went back to my hand surgeon at the beginning of the summer to see if there was anything we could do about the pain. my thumb hurts when i do anything for too long to try to lift too much. he said the only real solution would be to take the hardware out, though there's no guarantee it will take the pain away. the pain could just be due to the severity of my fracture, or it could be due to the tendons scraping against the ends of the screws when i use it. there's no way to know. basically, my doctor said it was my choice - was the pain bad enough that it would be worth it to get surgery again? i decided that it was. even though there's no guarantee the pain will go away, the possibility of it getting better was enough for me to say yes. and this is the best time to do it since i don't have a job or any real responsibilities this summer.
so i had the surgery last monday. i get the stitches out on thursday. the pain was pretty bad for the first few days. i'm pretty sure that was the first thing out of my mouth to the nurse upon waking up from the anesthetic - "my hand hurts!" though, i can't be certain, since those first ten minutes after waking up are kind of fuzzy in my mind. they practically tried to force the pain meds down my throat. i agreed to take them, only because it was hurting really bad - much worse than i remember it hurting the first time. last time i don't remember it hurting at all the first day - probably because they loaded me with pain drugs before i woke up. so anyway, i've been taking the drugs a lot this time, though they don't seem to be working all that well. when i left the hospital, they gave me percocet, which worked wonders. unfortunately, my doctor prescribed me darvocet which barely helps at all, and it makes me extremely irritable, which i hate. at least i'm to the point now where it's not in a ton of pain so i don't really need the meds.
and let me just say, i forgot how completely inconvenient it is to have only one working hand - the non-dominant one at that. the first few days i couldn't use my hand hardly at all. pretty much any movement hurt. at least now i can use it a little bit more, though i'm not supposed to lift more than two pounds.
right now my biggest annoyance is the bandage. you know when you have your hair in a tight ponytail all day and then you let it down and it hurts? like it doesn't want to go back to it's normal position? well as the bandage loosens on my hand as i'm using it more, the hair on my arm is starting to move. it was smashed down at all sorts of weird angles, and now it hurts. such a random thought, i know.
as much as i can't wait to get this bandage off, i am really not looking forward to getting the stitches out. it's such an awkward, uncomfortable feeling...pulling. ick.
so i had the surgery last monday. i get the stitches out on thursday. the pain was pretty bad for the first few days. i'm pretty sure that was the first thing out of my mouth to the nurse upon waking up from the anesthetic - "my hand hurts!" though, i can't be certain, since those first ten minutes after waking up are kind of fuzzy in my mind. they practically tried to force the pain meds down my throat. i agreed to take them, only because it was hurting really bad - much worse than i remember it hurting the first time. last time i don't remember it hurting at all the first day - probably because they loaded me with pain drugs before i woke up. so anyway, i've been taking the drugs a lot this time, though they don't seem to be working all that well. when i left the hospital, they gave me percocet, which worked wonders. unfortunately, my doctor prescribed me darvocet which barely helps at all, and it makes me extremely irritable, which i hate. at least i'm to the point now where it's not in a ton of pain so i don't really need the meds.
and let me just say, i forgot how completely inconvenient it is to have only one working hand - the non-dominant one at that. the first few days i couldn't use my hand hardly at all. pretty much any movement hurt. at least now i can use it a little bit more, though i'm not supposed to lift more than two pounds.
right now my biggest annoyance is the bandage. you know when you have your hair in a tight ponytail all day and then you let it down and it hurts? like it doesn't want to go back to it's normal position? well as the bandage loosens on my hand as i'm using it more, the hair on my arm is starting to move. it was smashed down at all sorts of weird angles, and now it hurts. such a random thought, i know.
as much as i can't wait to get this bandage off, i am really not looking forward to getting the stitches out. it's such an awkward, uncomfortable feeling...pulling. ick.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
what happened to the "yes we can!" attitude?
i'm gonna be honest, i don't want to blog about politics, but i just can't help myself right now.
what's so effing bad about universal health-care system? if you are against this idea, then please, just for one second consider what you would do right now if you were one of the 47 million americans who don't have health-care [http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2009/07/america-cannot-afford-to-wait-on-health-care-reform-.html]. maybe you work a minimum wage job and your employer won't give you enough hours to get full benefits. what if you have kids that need health-care? a dentist? glasses? some like to claim or assume that people who don't have health-care coverage are just lazy. just homeless. just whatever. and it's simply not true. if you put yourself in the shoes of someone else who is actually in desperate need of some form of health-care, you may see that what Obama's trying to do is actually quite helpful.
i read this article in the seattle times a couple days ago and thought it was really interesting: "http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2009506926_canahealth21.html it talks about the myths and truths of canada's health care system and there was a lot of information in there that i wasn't aware of. one thing i found interesting and quite disturbing was the fact that canada spends 10% of GDP on health-care and everyone, every where is covered. the US spends 15.3% of GDP and we still have millions of people with no care. there is obviously a major issue with the way our money is being spent.
let me make myself clear. i am not a socialist, by any means. and neither is obama, as much as people loooove to make him seem like one. lots of people are quick to judge that obama was the wrong choice, that he's done nothing to help the country since he's been in office. the state of our economy and other things - the health care system being one of them, provided obama with a country falling apart at the seams as he stepped into office. i'd say we need to be a little more hopeful and supportive of what he's trying to accomplish. no one would have been able to fix our situation in a few short months, no matter how much experience they had. what happened to the "yes we can!" attitude that we all (or at least Obama's supporters...) had when we was elected and then inaugurated?
what's so effing bad about universal health-care system? if you are against this idea, then please, just for one second consider what you would do right now if you were one of the 47 million americans who don't have health-care [http://blogs.usatoday.com/oped/2009/07/america-cannot-afford-to-wait-on-health-care-reform-.html]. maybe you work a minimum wage job and your employer won't give you enough hours to get full benefits. what if you have kids that need health-care? a dentist? glasses? some like to claim or assume that people who don't have health-care coverage are just lazy. just homeless. just whatever. and it's simply not true. if you put yourself in the shoes of someone else who is actually in desperate need of some form of health-care, you may see that what Obama's trying to do is actually quite helpful.
i read this article in the seattle times a couple days ago and thought it was really interesting: "http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2009506926_canahealth21.html it talks about the myths and truths of canada's health care system and there was a lot of information in there that i wasn't aware of. one thing i found interesting and quite disturbing was the fact that canada spends 10% of GDP on health-care and everyone, every where is covered. the US spends 15.3% of GDP and we still have millions of people with no care. there is obviously a major issue with the way our money is being spent.
let me make myself clear. i am not a socialist, by any means. and neither is obama, as much as people loooove to make him seem like one. lots of people are quick to judge that obama was the wrong choice, that he's done nothing to help the country since he's been in office. the state of our economy and other things - the health care system being one of them, provided obama with a country falling apart at the seams as he stepped into office. i'd say we need to be a little more hopeful and supportive of what he's trying to accomplish. no one would have been able to fix our situation in a few short months, no matter how much experience they had. what happened to the "yes we can!" attitude that we all (or at least Obama's supporters...) had when we was elected and then inaugurated?
Monday, July 20, 2009
my "friends" on facebook are not actually my friends.
i'm starting to realize that the majority of my "friends" on facebook are not actually my friends. they're mostly acquaintances from college or old friends from high school that i no longer correspond with. some of the people that i'm "friends" with that go to whitworth don't even say hi to me when they see me on campus (though, i'm just as guilty as they are). can i really consider someone i met one time and won't even wave at in the cafeteria a "friend"? it's a weird realization for me. i've never been the type that had a lot of friends. my phone was never ringing off the hook and my calendar was never jam-packed with social events. i usually have a small core group that i get to know really well and stick with them for a long time. of course, there are always people outside that group that i consider to be my friends, but they're no more than people to talk to or eat lunch with. i would not go to them for advice or even to hang out if i'm bored. and when i think about how many friends i actually have, there aren't very many. i guess that's just my personality. i can get along with pretty much anyone. i'm super welcoming and i really do like meeting new people, it just takes a long time for me to get to know a person well enough to consider them a close friend.
there's a part of me that wishes i was just friends with everyone - that my phone would be ringing off the hook with people trying to talk to me and hang out. but on the other hand, i am a pretty independent person. as much as i love being with friends, i need a good amount of alone time if i want to function properly. i need time to think through things and just be. or maybe i just hate feeling too busy and rushed. when you've got so many people to spend time with, how can you ever really focus on the person you're with, when you're only thinking about how you're seeing someone else in two hours?
or maybe it's a trust thing. maybe i don't get close to people for a long time because i don't trust them yet. while on the other side of that, if a friend breaks my trust after i've let my walls down, it's the worst thing in the world.
it's just weird to step back and look at my life. i have a hundred acquaintances and a very few good friends that i would trust my life with. and i think i like it that way?
there's a part of me that wishes i was just friends with everyone - that my phone would be ringing off the hook with people trying to talk to me and hang out. but on the other hand, i am a pretty independent person. as much as i love being with friends, i need a good amount of alone time if i want to function properly. i need time to think through things and just be. or maybe i just hate feeling too busy and rushed. when you've got so many people to spend time with, how can you ever really focus on the person you're with, when you're only thinking about how you're seeing someone else in two hours?
or maybe it's a trust thing. maybe i don't get close to people for a long time because i don't trust them yet. while on the other side of that, if a friend breaks my trust after i've let my walls down, it's the worst thing in the world.
it's just weird to step back and look at my life. i have a hundred acquaintances and a very few good friends that i would trust my life with. and i think i like it that way?
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
it promises to be a good birthday.
my summer's almost half over. it's weird to think that i've been home for six weeks already. that's probably because without a job, i've felt useless. i applied to twelve places and have interviewed at two places, but didn't get the job at either. though, i'm almost glad the second place that i interviewed at did not give me the job because i would have died working there. they just seemed so concerned with appearance and style - more concerned with looking the part than actually having good qualities as an employee. a place that shallow is not a place that i want to be working. i'm still hoping that another store will call. at least i'm housesitting soon, which will get me a little money to tide me over.
this weekend should be pretty exciting. the fourth of july is on saturday, which i love! me and alissa are going to go watch the fireworks on the plateau. yes. i know that's totally lame, but at least it'll be fun to go together. i don't really know what i'm going to do the rest of the day, but something will come up, i'm sure. and then sunday is my birthday! in four days, i'll no longer be a teenager. that is weird. but, 20's not a very exciting age. i wish i was turning 21, but not because i want to drink. i don't care about that at all. mostly, i'd just like to be able to go to 21 and over shows! i don't know how many times i've wanted to go to a show and i couldn't because it was 21+. so lame. oh well, that's still only one year to wait. plus, i'm going to see nevershoutnever and the ready set on my birthday at el corazon! that should be a blast. there are rarely shows on my birthday because it's right after a holiday. boys like girls are also playing, but i don't really care about them. i saw them last summer with the maine. they were pretty good, i just don't really care about seeing them again. it promises to be a good birthday.
two more months at home, and then it's back to school. i'm so excited to go back! i can't wait to move into the brand new dorm. and honestly, i'm excited for all my new classes. when i tell people i'm taking physics in the fall - by choice, they think i'm out of my mind, but i can't wait! physics was my favorite science in high school. i just hope that i don't regret my decision to take it.
i'd really like to find a place to horseback ride while i'm home this summer. i miss it a lot. it's been almost two years since i've ridden on a regular basis. it's crazy to think that that part of my life was so important to me for so long, and now it's been absent from my life for two years. hopefully i'll find a place soon!
i got my hair done last week. finally! i hadn't gotten it cut since march and it had grown so much. i tried to dye my own hair before i got it cut, but just ended up messing it up so hardcore. so, i decided i would just get it colored when i went to get it cut. of course, when i looked up the salon online to find the number to make an appointment, i realized the guy who cut my hair last time (which was amazing) was not at the salon any more! so, i went stalker-status and googled his name! luckily, it linked to his twitter so i contacted him on there, which worked out perfectly. i got an appointment two days later. and now, my hair looks bomb. i got quite a bit cut off and it's the shortest i've ever had it, but i love it! and the color looks amazing. it took three hours to do, but it was worth it!
this weekend should be pretty exciting. the fourth of july is on saturday, which i love! me and alissa are going to go watch the fireworks on the plateau. yes. i know that's totally lame, but at least it'll be fun to go together. i don't really know what i'm going to do the rest of the day, but something will come up, i'm sure. and then sunday is my birthday! in four days, i'll no longer be a teenager. that is weird. but, 20's not a very exciting age. i wish i was turning 21, but not because i want to drink. i don't care about that at all. mostly, i'd just like to be able to go to 21 and over shows! i don't know how many times i've wanted to go to a show and i couldn't because it was 21+. so lame. oh well, that's still only one year to wait. plus, i'm going to see nevershoutnever and the ready set on my birthday at el corazon! that should be a blast. there are rarely shows on my birthday because it's right after a holiday. boys like girls are also playing, but i don't really care about them. i saw them last summer with the maine. they were pretty good, i just don't really care about seeing them again. it promises to be a good birthday.
two more months at home, and then it's back to school. i'm so excited to go back! i can't wait to move into the brand new dorm. and honestly, i'm excited for all my new classes. when i tell people i'm taking physics in the fall - by choice, they think i'm out of my mind, but i can't wait! physics was my favorite science in high school. i just hope that i don't regret my decision to take it.
i'd really like to find a place to horseback ride while i'm home this summer. i miss it a lot. it's been almost two years since i've ridden on a regular basis. it's crazy to think that that part of my life was so important to me for so long, and now it's been absent from my life for two years. hopefully i'll find a place soon!
i got my hair done last week. finally! i hadn't gotten it cut since march and it had grown so much. i tried to dye my own hair before i got it cut, but just ended up messing it up so hardcore. so, i decided i would just get it colored when i went to get it cut. of course, when i looked up the salon online to find the number to make an appointment, i realized the guy who cut my hair last time (which was amazing) was not at the salon any more! so, i went stalker-status and googled his name! luckily, it linked to his twitter so i contacted him on there, which worked out perfectly. i got an appointment two days later. and now, my hair looks bomb. i got quite a bit cut off and it's the shortest i've ever had it, but i love it! and the color looks amazing. it took three hours to do, but it was worth it!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
some things have hurt me. some have healed me.
so often i find myself thinking about the world around me. i feel so small and insignificant. and i wonder, has God really orchestrated my life to be this way? did he set things in motion in just this way on purpose? every encounter i've had with a stranger on the street, every decision i've made, is it all part of a plan? is it all leading up to something? i couldn't help think about this when i was wondering why things happen exactly the way they do. all the various interactions i've had with certain people - what was their purpose? was that one fleeting moment of eye contact the last i'll see of that person? was that one random meeting for nothing?
i've always been the quiet thinker type. i process everything until i can't process it any more. lately, i just can't let go of the fact that i have no idea why things happen the way they do. especially the bad things. i often think about my car accident. i'll have a reminder of that day for the rest of my life. i just went to my hand surgeon again after i was having pains in my arm that went down into my thumb and fingers, and my thumb has been causing me pain. he said that as far as seriousness of fractures, mine was 9 out of 10. i don't know if he tried to sugar coat it before to try not to scare me, but i didn't realize it was that bad. he said that some people with fractures that bad will have pain for the rest of their lives just due to the nature of the fracture. great. i will literally take the consequence of the accident with me for the rest of my life. what purpose did that serve? i'm still waiting to find out. it's weird that it's been almost two years since my accident. it feels like it was just yesterday.
i realize that some things i've experienced have made me a stronger person. some things have hurt me. some have healed me. it's all a part of life, i suppose.
i've always been the quiet thinker type. i process everything until i can't process it any more. lately, i just can't let go of the fact that i have no idea why things happen the way they do. especially the bad things. i often think about my car accident. i'll have a reminder of that day for the rest of my life. i just went to my hand surgeon again after i was having pains in my arm that went down into my thumb and fingers, and my thumb has been causing me pain. he said that as far as seriousness of fractures, mine was 9 out of 10. i don't know if he tried to sugar coat it before to try not to scare me, but i didn't realize it was that bad. he said that some people with fractures that bad will have pain for the rest of their lives just due to the nature of the fracture. great. i will literally take the consequence of the accident with me for the rest of my life. what purpose did that serve? i'm still waiting to find out. it's weird that it's been almost two years since my accident. it feels like it was just yesterday.
i realize that some things i've experienced have made me a stronger person. some things have hurt me. some have healed me. it's all a part of life, i suppose.
Friday, June 12, 2009
i honestly never thought i would miss spokane, but...
i've been neglecting this since i got home from school. why? because i have nothing of interest to report. well, except for the fact that i went down to california for a few days to visit alissa and then drive up to seattle with rachel. i mean, i suppose i did go to disneyland and california adventure with alissa, which was so much fun. we only got to go for a day, but it was awesome. we missed some of the good rides, but still got to do most of my favorites. the matterhorn at night time? heck yes! so anyway, after spending almost a week with alissa, rachel met up with us and we began the drive home at around 5 pm in santa barbara, with the plan to drive through the night or stop for a quick nap somewhere if necessary. unfortunately, we broke down in roseburg, OR around 6 AM after hitting something in the road. a tow truck, a really interesting afternoon, one night in roseburg, and $500 later, we were finally on our way back home. i was glad to finally be home...at first.
i have now applied to 11 different stores. none of them have called me back. so, basically i've just been sitting at home doing a whole lot of nothing. i still haven't fully unpacked all my stuff from school. maybe it's because i just don't want to accept that i'm home for the summer.
i honestly never thought i would miss spokane, but this summer has proved me wrong. i don't necessarily miss the city, just certain things about it. for one, i really miss whitworth - the people, the campus, the coffee shop, people playing frisbee in the loop. also, i find myself missing certain places like dutch bros, the empyrean, didiers, the service station, the onion, old european breakfast house, riverfront park, and manito park. it's a really odd feeling for me, considering my normal distaste for all things about spokane. i think it also has to do with the fact that me being in spokane means school, which means having a schedule and being productive, and also seeing friends. having nothing to do and no schedule to keep to is fun for a few days, but i've been at this for a few weeks now, and it's getting really old. i feel useless, and i hate that. i have no reason to wake up at a decent hour, so i usually get up around ten. and by the time i actually get showered and dressed, the day's half gone - not that i have anything to do anyway.
i'm also going to dye my hair again soon, and hopefully get it cut. it's so long right now! i can't stand it. it's probably grown an inch and a half since i colored it or got i cut, so all the layers are growing out, and the roots on the blond part underneath have grown out soooo much. it's yucky. i'm not quite sure yet what color/colors i'm going to dye it this time. i want something fun and funky, so i'm thinking reddish chunks? we'll see.
on another note, i got to see two of my favorite bands in may - owl city and the classic crime. oh, and relient K, but they're not my favorite. it was my first time seeing owl city and they were fantastic. super awkward, but super cute. and good live. i've lost count of how many times i've seen tcc. but let's just say, it's enough that i can predict that he'll say next. aha. i went with my sisters, which was really fun. we haven't done anything like that together in a long time.
i spent today getting my room in order. finally! now i can breathe easy in here.
i have now applied to 11 different stores. none of them have called me back. so, basically i've just been sitting at home doing a whole lot of nothing. i still haven't fully unpacked all my stuff from school. maybe it's because i just don't want to accept that i'm home for the summer.
i honestly never thought i would miss spokane, but this summer has proved me wrong. i don't necessarily miss the city, just certain things about it. for one, i really miss whitworth - the people, the campus, the coffee shop, people playing frisbee in the loop. also, i find myself missing certain places like dutch bros, the empyrean, didiers, the service station, the onion, old european breakfast house, riverfront park, and manito park. it's a really odd feeling for me, considering my normal distaste for all things about spokane. i think it also has to do with the fact that me being in spokane means school, which means having a schedule and being productive, and also seeing friends. having nothing to do and no schedule to keep to is fun for a few days, but i've been at this for a few weeks now, and it's getting really old. i feel useless, and i hate that. i have no reason to wake up at a decent hour, so i usually get up around ten. and by the time i actually get showered and dressed, the day's half gone - not that i have anything to do anyway.
i'm also going to dye my hair again soon, and hopefully get it cut. it's so long right now! i can't stand it. it's probably grown an inch and a half since i colored it or got i cut, so all the layers are growing out, and the roots on the blond part underneath have grown out soooo much. it's yucky. i'm not quite sure yet what color/colors i'm going to dye it this time. i want something fun and funky, so i'm thinking reddish chunks? we'll see.
on another note, i got to see two of my favorite bands in may - owl city and the classic crime. oh, and relient K, but they're not my favorite. it was my first time seeing owl city and they were fantastic. super awkward, but super cute. and good live. i've lost count of how many times i've seen tcc. but let's just say, it's enough that i can predict that he'll say next. aha. i went with my sisters, which was really fun. we haven't done anything like that together in a long time.
i spent today getting my room in order. finally! now i can breathe easy in here.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
the 'show me' state.
i find that i question everything in life. i don't take anything on the word of others. growing up, my mother would tell me that i should live in missouri because it's the "show me" state. i always want evidence. is that a good thing? to want proof of what i'm being told? i'm not so sure.
see, i've realized lately - over the last few months, that i have a really hard time trusting people. not just those close to me, but anyone at all. the last week of classes, i was stressing out about a group project i had to do. i just couldn't put enough trust in some stranger to get his part of the project done and to do it at the same level as i would. in the end, i wound up completing the entire project on my own, mostly because this joker i had for partner did absolutely nothing, even when i did try to include him in what i was doing.
maybe the reason i have such a hard time trusting others is because i'm afraid of getting hurt or let down. if i don't put faith in someone, and trust they'll keep their word, then i won't be disappointed when they don't. i think it's a form of self-preservation that i have, however subconscious it may be.
or maybe i've recently lost my trust in others because my trust has been violated in a way that i couldn't recover from. for a long time, i thought i was pretty trusting of others - too trusting at times. and in the end, it cost me. it hurt me. people failed me and broke that trust.
i don't think that my trust issue is a bad one, though. in fact, i think it helps weed out the people in my life that maybe shouldn't be there. the true friends from the friends. the people that care from the people that look like they care.
i guess the problem isn't really with ones that i'm close to, it just takes me a really long time to trust someone once i meet them. which, i think to an extent, is true for everyone...it's just exaggerated a little in my case.
see, i've realized lately - over the last few months, that i have a really hard time trusting people. not just those close to me, but anyone at all. the last week of classes, i was stressing out about a group project i had to do. i just couldn't put enough trust in some stranger to get his part of the project done and to do it at the same level as i would. in the end, i wound up completing the entire project on my own, mostly because this joker i had for partner did absolutely nothing, even when i did try to include him in what i was doing.
maybe the reason i have such a hard time trusting others is because i'm afraid of getting hurt or let down. if i don't put faith in someone, and trust they'll keep their word, then i won't be disappointed when they don't. i think it's a form of self-preservation that i have, however subconscious it may be.
or maybe i've recently lost my trust in others because my trust has been violated in a way that i couldn't recover from. for a long time, i thought i was pretty trusting of others - too trusting at times. and in the end, it cost me. it hurt me. people failed me and broke that trust.
i don't think that my trust issue is a bad one, though. in fact, i think it helps weed out the people in my life that maybe shouldn't be there. the true friends from the friends. the people that care from the people that look like they care.
i guess the problem isn't really with ones that i'm close to, it just takes me a really long time to trust someone once i meet them. which, i think to an extent, is true for everyone...it's just exaggerated a little in my case.
Friday, May 8, 2009
if nothing else, this summer will be fun.
i've been in my own little world for the past couple weeks. i don't like facing the facts of my life - the fact that in a matter of a couple weeks i will have to miraculously find a summer job. so instead of facing these issues, i just live like a hermit in my own head (DCFC reference, anyone?).
in one week from today (or tomorrow, depending on how my plans end up) i will be back home in sammamish for the summer. i'm definitely torn. there's a major part of me that just wants to skip over the summer completely and move into my new dorm room in the brand new East Hall (which I still can't see the inside of). the stress of finding a job and the fear of not finding one and end up dying of boredom over the summer is a scary enough thought to make me not want to leave. on the other hand, i am so ready for a change, even if that means going home for the summer. i'm sick of the classes and the schedule and feeling like i never do anything fun.
i know that if nothing else, this summer will be fun. i already have a list of about eight shows that i want to go to, and they barely touch july. i'm going to be going to california for a few days to pick up rabid, visit alissa at westmont, and hopefully go to disneyland for a day. then me and rabid will road trip it back up to sammamish. harry potter comes out soon too, and the midnight showing is a tradition of me and rabid's. not to mention, the fourth of july and my birthday. and i might go to warped tour again in august. i really do have a lot to look forward to. i'm sure the summer will go by insanely fast like it always does, and before i know it, i'll be moving into my new room.
i know i'll be getting to see some of my favorite bands this summer, which definitely makes me feel better. i know for sure i'll be seeing two of them - owl city and the classic crime towards the end of may. the secret handshake is coming though seattle in june, artist vs poet is coming in july, this providence/hey monday in june, and i know there are others that i'm forgetting. it's going to be really awesome.
i'm going to start packing either tonight or tomorrow and it actually brings joy to my heart to think about packing up my room. i don't really have a feeling of 'home' there. i'm rarely in my room as it is and it's always cold and dark because it's in the basement. i'm excited and ready to be above group next semester. i need to figure out if i should get boxes to pack stuff, or if i should just try to throw all my clothes in garbage bags to take them home. boxes would be much more organized, but i'm tempted by the ease of the garbage bags.
it still hasn't really hit me that it's may and i'm going home in a week. maybe it'll hit me when i take all my posters and pictures off the wall, when i have my last day of class on monday, when i walk to hawthorne to take my accounting final, when my parents arrive to start packing up the car, or maybe when i get on I-90 to start driving home. because it definitely has not hit me yet. it will be weird not to see everyone for a while. i'm much closer to the girls on my hall than i was last year, and it will be sad to not see them every morning and evening.
in one week from today (or tomorrow, depending on how my plans end up) i will be back home in sammamish for the summer. i'm definitely torn. there's a major part of me that just wants to skip over the summer completely and move into my new dorm room in the brand new East Hall (which I still can't see the inside of). the stress of finding a job and the fear of not finding one and end up dying of boredom over the summer is a scary enough thought to make me not want to leave. on the other hand, i am so ready for a change, even if that means going home for the summer. i'm sick of the classes and the schedule and feeling like i never do anything fun.
i know that if nothing else, this summer will be fun. i already have a list of about eight shows that i want to go to, and they barely touch july. i'm going to be going to california for a few days to pick up rabid, visit alissa at westmont, and hopefully go to disneyland for a day. then me and rabid will road trip it back up to sammamish. harry potter comes out soon too, and the midnight showing is a tradition of me and rabid's. not to mention, the fourth of july and my birthday. and i might go to warped tour again in august. i really do have a lot to look forward to. i'm sure the summer will go by insanely fast like it always does, and before i know it, i'll be moving into my new room.
i know i'll be getting to see some of my favorite bands this summer, which definitely makes me feel better. i know for sure i'll be seeing two of them - owl city and the classic crime towards the end of may. the secret handshake is coming though seattle in june, artist vs poet is coming in july, this providence/hey monday in june, and i know there are others that i'm forgetting. it's going to be really awesome.
i'm going to start packing either tonight or tomorrow and it actually brings joy to my heart to think about packing up my room. i don't really have a feeling of 'home' there. i'm rarely in my room as it is and it's always cold and dark because it's in the basement. i'm excited and ready to be above group next semester. i need to figure out if i should get boxes to pack stuff, or if i should just try to throw all my clothes in garbage bags to take them home. boxes would be much more organized, but i'm tempted by the ease of the garbage bags.
it still hasn't really hit me that it's may and i'm going home in a week. maybe it'll hit me when i take all my posters and pictures off the wall, when i have my last day of class on monday, when i walk to hawthorne to take my accounting final, when my parents arrive to start packing up the car, or maybe when i get on I-90 to start driving home. because it definitely has not hit me yet. it will be weird not to see everyone for a while. i'm much closer to the girls on my hall than i was last year, and it will be sad to not see them every morning and evening.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
what are the odds, right?
for once in my life, luck was on my side. my housing lottery number was 86...out of 10,000. the lottery went down last night in the HUB. i was utterly afraid that i'd end up in some horrible dungeon room in warren or the dreaded village. in my worrisome state, i even went so far to figure out that there were only a maximum of 4 girls with lottery numbers before mine...of course, there was always the possibility that someone with senior standing would want the same room as me and snatch it from my grasp. but what are the odds, right?
last night was the in-house sign up. my ideal dorm for next year is East Hall, which is brand new, so there was no in-house sign ups. but of course, i had to wait for that to end. after that, they proceeded to do quad sign ups...then triples sign ups...then finally singles sign ups. it was horrible waiting game. sitting there watching as more and more rooms got crossed off. finally, we lined up for single rooms. i was at the front of the line for the girls and Chessa was right behind me. our plan had worked - we would both get a single in East, since there were only two. jokingly, while waiting to be sent into the sign up room, i said "wouldn't it suck if some girl came jaunting in here with more housing points than us and just happened to want one of the singles in east?...but that would never happen!" i spoke too soon, because about a minute later, a girl came running in, with four housing points which pushed her to the front of the line. me and Chessa frantically asked "what dorm are you going to?"..."East," she replied. of course. at least she took the second floor single because i wanted the first floor, which was nice. unfortunately, Chessa didn't get into East, and ended up getting a single in Ballard. i'm sad we won't be in the same dorm next year, but i'm really happy that i got my first choice of rooms. i honestly couldn't believe it worked out for me. nothing works out in my favor with my horrible luck.
i'm excited for the new start this new dorm will bring for me. as much as i have loved living in ballard, and i've met a ton of new people, i'm excited to be living above ground where the sun can shine in and squirrels don't die in my window well. i'll no longer be living in an all-girls dorm (though, it's not like there is ever a time when there aren't guys in ballard). i'll be a junior, i won't have a roommate, i'll have new classes and will hopefully make more new friends. is it weird that i almost want to just skip over summer and head straight to the fall? maybe it's because the thought of summer just holds stress right now. i don't know where i will work, or if i'll be able to find work at all. if i can't, i will seriously lose my mind sitting at home all day every day. i won't have a ton of friends at home during the summer, though i'm happy to be returning a place where i can see good shows on a regular basis. it's a good-bad situation.
who knows? maybe i'll meet some new people at shows this summer. i really need to make some friends that are into the same kind of music as me so i don't have to drag people along with me. it'd be a much better situation for everyone involved.
i just realized that my fingers are hurting. i thought for a quick second that it might be due to typing so much, but then i remembered how i played guitar for about two hours yesterday. that'll do it. i'm so glad that i started playing guitar this year. i took the beginning class in the fall and i'm taking the intermediate class right now. i'm so sad that there isn't an advanced class that i can take next semester! i think i might try and take lessons through the school, even though it's more expensive. paul, who taught the beginning class and my intermediate class, teaches the lessons as well, so i know it would be a teacher i know and am comfortable with. i just don't want to stop taking lessons or a class because i know that if i do, i will never push myself to get any better or learn anything harder. i will still play, for sure, i just won't try to do more advanced stuff. that's exactly what happened with piano, and it makes me sad. i know that guitar is something i will continue for a long time, and i don't want to stop learning. of all the instruments i've learned (guitar makes five...), guitar is my favorite. i can easily just pick it up and play for a few minutes or an hour without a problem.
now, you're probably wondering why i'm writing such a lengthy blog at a moment like this. the answer is thus: i am bored as hell. right now, i only have four academic classes (plus guitar, radio, and ice skating as 1-credits). one of those is a night class, so i do that homework once a week. the other three classes that i have on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, each have homework due roughly once a week. i have nothing due tomorrow and nothing due thursday. therefore, i have been sitting in the coffee shop for about three hours now. i caught up on heroes, and i'll probably watch parks & recreation later today. maybe a little fantasy factory, you know. i have too much free time, but i don't have enough time left here to get a job, since i'll be going back home in less than a month. so, for now, i don't do much of anything...hence, why i was able to play guitar for two hours yesterday.
i need to be entertained.
last night was the in-house sign up. my ideal dorm for next year is East Hall, which is brand new, so there was no in-house sign ups. but of course, i had to wait for that to end. after that, they proceeded to do quad sign ups...then triples sign ups...then finally singles sign ups. it was horrible waiting game. sitting there watching as more and more rooms got crossed off. finally, we lined up for single rooms. i was at the front of the line for the girls and Chessa was right behind me. our plan had worked - we would both get a single in East, since there were only two. jokingly, while waiting to be sent into the sign up room, i said "wouldn't it suck if some girl came jaunting in here with more housing points than us and just happened to want one of the singles in east?...but that would never happen!" i spoke too soon, because about a minute later, a girl came running in, with four housing points which pushed her to the front of the line. me and Chessa frantically asked "what dorm are you going to?"..."East," she replied. of course. at least she took the second floor single because i wanted the first floor, which was nice. unfortunately, Chessa didn't get into East, and ended up getting a single in Ballard. i'm sad we won't be in the same dorm next year, but i'm really happy that i got my first choice of rooms. i honestly couldn't believe it worked out for me. nothing works out in my favor with my horrible luck.
i'm excited for the new start this new dorm will bring for me. as much as i have loved living in ballard, and i've met a ton of new people, i'm excited to be living above ground where the sun can shine in and squirrels don't die in my window well. i'll no longer be living in an all-girls dorm (though, it's not like there is ever a time when there aren't guys in ballard). i'll be a junior, i won't have a roommate, i'll have new classes and will hopefully make more new friends. is it weird that i almost want to just skip over summer and head straight to the fall? maybe it's because the thought of summer just holds stress right now. i don't know where i will work, or if i'll be able to find work at all. if i can't, i will seriously lose my mind sitting at home all day every day. i won't have a ton of friends at home during the summer, though i'm happy to be returning a place where i can see good shows on a regular basis. it's a good-bad situation.
who knows? maybe i'll meet some new people at shows this summer. i really need to make some friends that are into the same kind of music as me so i don't have to drag people along with me. it'd be a much better situation for everyone involved.
i just realized that my fingers are hurting. i thought for a quick second that it might be due to typing so much, but then i remembered how i played guitar for about two hours yesterday. that'll do it. i'm so glad that i started playing guitar this year. i took the beginning class in the fall and i'm taking the intermediate class right now. i'm so sad that there isn't an advanced class that i can take next semester! i think i might try and take lessons through the school, even though it's more expensive. paul, who taught the beginning class and my intermediate class, teaches the lessons as well, so i know it would be a teacher i know and am comfortable with. i just don't want to stop taking lessons or a class because i know that if i do, i will never push myself to get any better or learn anything harder. i will still play, for sure, i just won't try to do more advanced stuff. that's exactly what happened with piano, and it makes me sad. i know that guitar is something i will continue for a long time, and i don't want to stop learning. of all the instruments i've learned (guitar makes five...), guitar is my favorite. i can easily just pick it up and play for a few minutes or an hour without a problem.
now, you're probably wondering why i'm writing such a lengthy blog at a moment like this. the answer is thus: i am bored as hell. right now, i only have four academic classes (plus guitar, radio, and ice skating as 1-credits). one of those is a night class, so i do that homework once a week. the other three classes that i have on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, each have homework due roughly once a week. i have nothing due tomorrow and nothing due thursday. therefore, i have been sitting in the coffee shop for about three hours now. i caught up on heroes, and i'll probably watch parks & recreation later today. maybe a little fantasy factory, you know. i have too much free time, but i don't have enough time left here to get a job, since i'll be going back home in less than a month. so, for now, i don't do much of anything...hence, why i was able to play guitar for two hours yesterday.
i need to be entertained.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
done with this in-between stage
the thought of growing up scares the hell out of me. when i was a kid, college seemed like an eternity away. i am now almost half way done with college. in july, i will turn 20. i will have been alive for two decades. i don't want to feel old, but i do.
on the other hand, i'm ready to be done with this in-between stage. i don't want to live with my parents any more. i want to be out in the world, living in an apartment with friends. it's a weird situation to be living in the dorms throughout the year and then move back in with the parentals for the summer. there's a different dynamic. though, i never had many rules to begin with, so it's not like they go back to trying to control my life, because they never really did. though, it will be nice to have my own room again for the summer. and i miss my bed, my big, comfy bed.
i'm in the process of planning my schedule for the fall, and i register on monday. as of right now, my schedule is not looking like it's going to be a lot of fun. i'll be taking probability and statistics, business law, physics I, consumer behavior, and digital imaging. plus, i'll probably try and take guitar lessons. this will put me at 17 credits, which is the max. i'm still not sure about physics. it's going to be super hard, but i'll be taking it with rebecca, which would be fun. i am still undecided.
on the other hand, i'm ready to be done with this in-between stage. i don't want to live with my parents any more. i want to be out in the world, living in an apartment with friends. it's a weird situation to be living in the dorms throughout the year and then move back in with the parentals for the summer. there's a different dynamic. though, i never had many rules to begin with, so it's not like they go back to trying to control my life, because they never really did. though, it will be nice to have my own room again for the summer. and i miss my bed, my big, comfy bed.
i'm in the process of planning my schedule for the fall, and i register on monday. as of right now, my schedule is not looking like it's going to be a lot of fun. i'll be taking probability and statistics, business law, physics I, consumer behavior, and digital imaging. plus, i'll probably try and take guitar lessons. this will put me at 17 credits, which is the max. i'm still not sure about physics. it's going to be super hard, but i'll be taking it with rebecca, which would be fun. i am still undecided.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
always thinking about something, contemplating, brewing.
sometimes i wish my brain had an on/off switch. it's constantly working, like a diligent machine. unfortunately, it's a machine that never turns off, never takes a break. and because of that, it's starting to wear down a bit. even while i'm supposed to be sleeping, i'm still thinking. last night night i wasn't tired, for some reason unbeknown to me. i finally decided around 1:30 am that i should at least get into bed and try to fall asleep. i did have to wake at 6:30, afterall. last time i looked at the clock, it was 2:30 in the morning. i fell asleep some point after that, but proceeded to wake up every hour until it was finally time to get up. the weirdest part? i wasn't tired when i woke up. however, around 2 pm, it hit me like a ton of bricks. i then took a two hour nap. and now, here i am at 12:45 in the morning. not tired.
all this to say, i wish i could just stop for a while and sleep. i mean really sleep. my mind is always thinking about something, contemplating, brewing.
my eyes are straining to focus at the moment, and i should've known this would happen. i read 92 pages straight without getting up or looking around. i sat in the corner of the coffee shop, curled up by the fireplace and read for a couple hours - with a vanilla latte in tow, naturally. it was simply blissful, but now my eyes aren't working quite properly. the book's called "the will of god as a way of life" by jerry sittser. he's a prof here at whitworth and i had heard good things about the book. i ordered it on amazon a while ago, and it finally arrived today. i had no homework, so i decided to spend some time reading today, and it was wonderful. it's already helping put things in perspective for me. i've heard so many people say "do the will of God..." or "follow God's will..." but no one really explains what that means. this book is doing that for me.
the book emphasizes the fact that we should not focus on the future, but rather on the daily tasks that may seem mundane. if we can seek God first in those tasks, the future will take care of itself. it's nearly impossible for me to not think about and dwell on the future. it's all most of us think about. why do i work so hard for good grades? so i can get a good job later. why do we cultivate relationships now? to eventually get married and have kids. in fact, i find that thoughts of what my future might entail comandeer my mind on a regular basis. why is that? why can't we ever just be content to enjoy now?
my eyes are finally starting to get tired but my mind is still fully awake. it's a never ending battle between body and mind.
all this to say, i wish i could just stop for a while and sleep. i mean really sleep. my mind is always thinking about something, contemplating, brewing.
my eyes are straining to focus at the moment, and i should've known this would happen. i read 92 pages straight without getting up or looking around. i sat in the corner of the coffee shop, curled up by the fireplace and read for a couple hours - with a vanilla latte in tow, naturally. it was simply blissful, but now my eyes aren't working quite properly. the book's called "the will of god as a way of life" by jerry sittser. he's a prof here at whitworth and i had heard good things about the book. i ordered it on amazon a while ago, and it finally arrived today. i had no homework, so i decided to spend some time reading today, and it was wonderful. it's already helping put things in perspective for me. i've heard so many people say "do the will of God..." or "follow God's will..." but no one really explains what that means. this book is doing that for me.
the book emphasizes the fact that we should not focus on the future, but rather on the daily tasks that may seem mundane. if we can seek God first in those tasks, the future will take care of itself. it's nearly impossible for me to not think about and dwell on the future. it's all most of us think about. why do i work so hard for good grades? so i can get a good job later. why do we cultivate relationships now? to eventually get married and have kids. in fact, i find that thoughts of what my future might entail comandeer my mind on a regular basis. why is that? why can't we ever just be content to enjoy now?
my eyes are finally starting to get tired but my mind is still fully awake. it's a never ending battle between body and mind.
Monday, March 30, 2009
i smiled a little at the sound.
it's finally starting to feel like spring. i was worried for a while there that it may never come. the sun was shining today, the grass is actually looking somewhat green, and i heard birds chirping on my way to class this morning. i smiled a little at the sound. it's such a wonderful sound when you haven't heard it for so long - something you take for granted without realizing it.
as much as i never, ever thought i'd say this, it's actually good to be back at school. despite the blizzard of snow and crazy winds blowing my car all over the road on the way back over, the drive was good. i've done it so many times, but it never gets easier or less boring. at least it wasn't snowing when we arrived back on campus. i think i may have thrown up upon exiting my vehicle.
i hadn't brought any homework home with me over break because i knew i wouldn't do any. it would have just been a waste of energy to lug the textbooks home. i knew managerial accounting could take many hours if i was unlucky, but surprisingly, it only look about two. of course, i realized in class today that i had done more than was required. and of course the part that wasn't required was what took me an hour and a half to figure out. naturally. but, amazingly, i was in bed going to sleep at midnight last night. that's pretty much a record.
8 am class seemed to come much quicker than i would have hoped. i woke up pretty tired. i guess it's because i had woken up at nine on sunday morning, rushed to pack up, drove for five hours, came back, unpacked, ate dinner, accounting for two hours, and then only got 7 hours of sleep. but really, going to class was kind of nice. the week at home just relaxing was good for a few days, but then i just got bored. none of my friends were home so i sat around my house and pretty much did nothing (besides get the most bomb haircut!).
i like having things to do, routines to follow, day-to-day activities to keep my mind entertained. otherwise i just feel like i'm wasting my life away doing nothing. i did get to go to the bauhaus while i was home with belinda. that was fun. and i got to see heather twice and went to visit my old high school teachers...which was really weird. it wasn't weird seeing the teachers, just weird being back there. i don't feel very old, but looking at how young everyone was made me feel so old. i don't like feeling old.
it's good to be back. it's good to have something to do and things to occupy my mind.
as much as i never, ever thought i'd say this, it's actually good to be back at school. despite the blizzard of snow and crazy winds blowing my car all over the road on the way back over, the drive was good. i've done it so many times, but it never gets easier or less boring. at least it wasn't snowing when we arrived back on campus. i think i may have thrown up upon exiting my vehicle.
i hadn't brought any homework home with me over break because i knew i wouldn't do any. it would have just been a waste of energy to lug the textbooks home. i knew managerial accounting could take many hours if i was unlucky, but surprisingly, it only look about two. of course, i realized in class today that i had done more than was required. and of course the part that wasn't required was what took me an hour and a half to figure out. naturally. but, amazingly, i was in bed going to sleep at midnight last night. that's pretty much a record.
8 am class seemed to come much quicker than i would have hoped. i woke up pretty tired. i guess it's because i had woken up at nine on sunday morning, rushed to pack up, drove for five hours, came back, unpacked, ate dinner, accounting for two hours, and then only got 7 hours of sleep. but really, going to class was kind of nice. the week at home just relaxing was good for a few days, but then i just got bored. none of my friends were home so i sat around my house and pretty much did nothing (besides get the most bomb haircut!).
i like having things to do, routines to follow, day-to-day activities to keep my mind entertained. otherwise i just feel like i'm wasting my life away doing nothing. i did get to go to the bauhaus while i was home with belinda. that was fun. and i got to see heather twice and went to visit my old high school teachers...which was really weird. it wasn't weird seeing the teachers, just weird being back there. i don't feel very old, but looking at how young everyone was made me feel so old. i don't like feeling old.
it's good to be back. it's good to have something to do and things to occupy my mind.
Monday, March 23, 2009
it wasn't even that good to begin with.
life comes at you fast. isn't that the catch phrase for some commercial? it's true, though. i came home on friday night for spring break. the drive was tolerable. i was having trouble staying awake for some parts, but that's the nature of driving long distances, i suppose. i came home to an email from my macroeconomics TA about the test we had taken friday morning. apparently the highest grade was a 97%, there were only four A's in the class of 40, and the class average was 74%. i emailed her to see what my grade was. i woke up on saturday to an email informing me that i had received the highest grade in the class. it was such a great feeling. i worked so freaking hard for that test and studied for hours. my hard work paid off, for once. unfortunately, that was the end to the goodness of that day. my mom had taken tully to the vet that morning because she thought he was breathing kind of funny while he slept. it turns out he has lung cancer, and already has a quite a sizable tumor. the vet estimates that he has 8 months left. it's pretty hard to think about it like that. before, i just assumed that he was getting old, but to have a timeline to be constantly thinking about really makes it hard. so anyway, i've been spending lots of time with him, like i always do while i'm home.
on another, less depressing note, i'm finally getting my hair cut tomorrow. i haven't had it cut since thanksgiving, so it's been about 5 months, and it's getting looooong. i'm going to this salon in ballard called Vain. its supposed to be more edgy or something, so we'll see. i'm really just ready for something new. i've had the same style for a couple years now and i'm sick of it. it wasn't even that good to begin with.
it's weird being home. i've missed the area...not 'home' so much, just the area. i went to victor's today and got the best latte i've had in a good month. the bucks just doesn't compare. and to be honest, i've missed the rain...a little. i've missed watching tv. god, that seems so superficial. but it's nice to have that distraction every once in a while - turn on the tv and just relax for a half hour and not think about anything. even if there's nothing good on, it's just nice to have something mindless to do for a little while. and i can actually watch my shows when they're on, and not online a couple days later! heroes is on tonight. mmm.
jones has been spending lots of time in my room. in fact, he just won't leave. he's been in my room for the last two days straight. he'll leave for short breaks, to eat and use the bathroom, i assume. it's so weird, but nice to have a cuddly kitty. i know he's only pretending to love me because his mother is out of town for a couple days. he's using me.
on another, less depressing note, i'm finally getting my hair cut tomorrow. i haven't had it cut since thanksgiving, so it's been about 5 months, and it's getting looooong. i'm going to this salon in ballard called Vain. its supposed to be more edgy or something, so we'll see. i'm really just ready for something new. i've had the same style for a couple years now and i'm sick of it. it wasn't even that good to begin with.
it's weird being home. i've missed the area...not 'home' so much, just the area. i went to victor's today and got the best latte i've had in a good month. the bucks just doesn't compare. and to be honest, i've missed the rain...a little. i've missed watching tv. god, that seems so superficial. but it's nice to have that distraction every once in a while - turn on the tv and just relax for a half hour and not think about anything. even if there's nothing good on, it's just nice to have something mindless to do for a little while. and i can actually watch my shows when they're on, and not online a couple days later! heroes is on tonight. mmm.
jones has been spending lots of time in my room. in fact, he just won't leave. he's been in my room for the last two days straight. he'll leave for short breaks, to eat and use the bathroom, i assume. it's so weird, but nice to have a cuddly kitty. i know he's only pretending to love me because his mother is out of town for a couple days. he's using me.
Monday, March 16, 2009
i hide in the background of most scenes.
sometimes i feel like i'm invisible to the world. two nights ago there was a show in the hub at whitworth. the lonely forest, the globes, and keep pennsylvania beautiful. i decided to go, despite the fact that i had no one to go with. going alone is better than doing nothing on a saturday night, i figured. i stood near the back because the place was pretty packed. on multiple occasions - and i'm talking more than ten, not just a couple - people walked past me into the concert and bumped into my shoulder without a second glance. do you really not see me standing here? am i not even worth a quick "sorry" mumbled unapologetically over your shoulder? apparently not.
maybe in reality, the problem is that i try to be invisible. i don't try to fit in. that's not what i mean at all. in fact, it's quite the opposite. but, i hate being the center of attention in any capacity. i hide in the background of most scenes. does being in the background mean i am not seen at all? i worry that maybe i don't try hard enough to be seen by those around me - that, to them, i'm someone to be looked over and not looked at.
maybe in reality, the problem is that i try to be invisible. i don't try to fit in. that's not what i mean at all. in fact, it's quite the opposite. but, i hate being the center of attention in any capacity. i hide in the background of most scenes. does being in the background mean i am not seen at all? i worry that maybe i don't try hard enough to be seen by those around me - that, to them, i'm someone to be looked over and not looked at.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
an empty coffee cup on the table to my left
some days i just need to be alone - not hang out with any one. not answer my phone. it gives me time to think, to work through my thoughts. today has been one of those days. i woke up and took my time getting ready, which ended up being a horrible downfall to my day. i didn't get to the hub before the post office closed. there's a package slip in my mailbox for my package with the new this providence album in it. now i won't get it until monday. i digress. i brought my textbooks and my computer with me to the hub, ate some lunch, and sat my butt down in the coffee shop to get my homework done. i finished it all in a matter of a couple hours. luckily i brought my computer with me, so i moved to a much more comfortable location in the coffee shop and have watched two episodes of friday night lights. and here i still sit, writing this out with a blazing fire in the corner of my eye, an empty coffee cup on the table to my left, and the newest annuals album in my ears. perfection. these days are like a recharge for me. it's like i'm a battery that's been running low for the last week and i finally have time to plug myself in and recharge to 100% capacity.
today is also one of those days that i don't want to be social. i'd rather have blood drawn than think about being with a bunch of people and putting on my bubbly personality. there's a hall date scheduled for tonight with 2nd mac. we're supposed to make desserts and then go over to meet the guys in their lounge for "games." for starters, i really don't like games, especially mixer-type games. and then this brings up the whole "putting on my smiley face" issue. i can't just mask myself to become something i'm not, to feel a way i don't. i'm not all sad, i just can't be social right now. i can't.
i've also decided in the last few days that i really need to stop trying to make things happen that clearly aren't meant to happen - or at least not yet. maybe one day, but obviously not now. i keep trying and trying and it's not working. the only thing that comes of my efforts is disappointment. so why do i keep trying? i'm done trying. if you read this, don't ask me about it, because i don't want to talk about it any more.
there's a classic crime and vision & valor show in exactly one week from today. i'm going home for spring break in a week from yesterday. potentially, i can go to this spectacular show - at the showbox market, nonetheless - my favorite place. unfortunately, i don't really have anyone to go with, so i'm kind of torn as to what to do. in order to get vision & valor's album, i need to go to the show because they aren't selling it online any where. is it worth it to me to go alone? i just don't know. i always feel so ridiculous going to shows alone. god, just one more reason why i need to make some emo friends.
i've been listening to the newest annuals album, "such fun," and it is seriously so much fun. i can't stop listening to it. it's really addicting, and i can't even explain why, but i just can't seem to turn it off.
i miss my tullamook. i really miss the snuggly little guy. he's getting so old now, and i get worried about him. he always gets sad whenever i leave. luckily i'll be home in less than a week for spring break. and seriously, this break could not come at a better time. for one, i am absolutely dying to get my hair cut. it's getting so long and i can't stand it. the problem with getting my hair cut at this point is that i'm so sick of it right now, that i'm afraid i'll just get it all chopped off and end up regretting it. though, the last time i got my hair cut short i ended up really liking it and i had never cut my hair shorter before. i don't really know why i worry so much about it. i'm going to try a new place though, a salon in seattle called vain. supposedly they do more edgy cuts, so we'll see i guess. then, of course, ideally i'll get to see the classic crime and vision & valor over break. other than that, i don't have many plans. i may try to go visit kaylyn in tacoma. it'll be nice just to be home. i'll be able to get some good coffee....bauhaus. mmm. i can sleep in, hopefully go for a run or two if it's nice enough outside. i just really need to get out of spokane for a little while. i'll have been here for seven weeks by the time i go home. ugh. i can't wait to go home.
today is also one of those days that i don't want to be social. i'd rather have blood drawn than think about being with a bunch of people and putting on my bubbly personality. there's a hall date scheduled for tonight with 2nd mac. we're supposed to make desserts and then go over to meet the guys in their lounge for "games." for starters, i really don't like games, especially mixer-type games. and then this brings up the whole "putting on my smiley face" issue. i can't just mask myself to become something i'm not, to feel a way i don't. i'm not all sad, i just can't be social right now. i can't.
i've also decided in the last few days that i really need to stop trying to make things happen that clearly aren't meant to happen - or at least not yet. maybe one day, but obviously not now. i keep trying and trying and it's not working. the only thing that comes of my efforts is disappointment. so why do i keep trying? i'm done trying. if you read this, don't ask me about it, because i don't want to talk about it any more.
there's a classic crime and vision & valor show in exactly one week from today. i'm going home for spring break in a week from yesterday. potentially, i can go to this spectacular show - at the showbox market, nonetheless - my favorite place. unfortunately, i don't really have anyone to go with, so i'm kind of torn as to what to do. in order to get vision & valor's album, i need to go to the show because they aren't selling it online any where. is it worth it to me to go alone? i just don't know. i always feel so ridiculous going to shows alone. god, just one more reason why i need to make some emo friends.
i've been listening to the newest annuals album, "such fun," and it is seriously so much fun. i can't stop listening to it. it's really addicting, and i can't even explain why, but i just can't seem to turn it off.
i miss my tullamook. i really miss the snuggly little guy. he's getting so old now, and i get worried about him. he always gets sad whenever i leave. luckily i'll be home in less than a week for spring break. and seriously, this break could not come at a better time. for one, i am absolutely dying to get my hair cut. it's getting so long and i can't stand it. the problem with getting my hair cut at this point is that i'm so sick of it right now, that i'm afraid i'll just get it all chopped off and end up regretting it. though, the last time i got my hair cut short i ended up really liking it and i had never cut my hair shorter before. i don't really know why i worry so much about it. i'm going to try a new place though, a salon in seattle called vain. supposedly they do more edgy cuts, so we'll see i guess. then, of course, ideally i'll get to see the classic crime and vision & valor over break. other than that, i don't have many plans. i may try to go visit kaylyn in tacoma. it'll be nice just to be home. i'll be able to get some good coffee....bauhaus. mmm. i can sleep in, hopefully go for a run or two if it's nice enough outside. i just really need to get out of spokane for a little while. i'll have been here for seven weeks by the time i go home. ugh. i can't wait to go home.
Monday, March 9, 2009
a tragedy of epic proportions.
wednesday morning, march 4th, a tragedy of epic proportions occurred. my hair straightener of nearly two and a half years gave out on me. no, i did not drop it on the floor or in water. it just died. i wore my hair curly for two days before i decided to just go out and buy a new one until i can get my old one fixed...it has a life time warranty. oh yes. so i went out and spend $27 at target on a new, remington 'protect&shine' straightener. it actually works quite fabulously. i think maybe the technology has gotten better in the two and a half faithful years with my old straightener.
this weekend was quite intense. it was a roller coaster to say the least, but at least i'm at the end of it. i should be exhausted right now, but i'm not. i really should go to bed though. i have my very first managerial accounting test tomorrow. it's my last class of the day, which is actually bad because then i'll just be stressing out about it during all my other classes.
i burned "tonight, not again" by jason mraz from the radio room this evening. i think it's the only album of his i didn't have. i'm listening to 'sleeping to dream' and for some reason i'm crying. it's just so effing cute.
god, i'm tired. mrazy is making me cry. i think it's time to get some sleeeeeep.
this weekend was quite intense. it was a roller coaster to say the least, but at least i'm at the end of it. i should be exhausted right now, but i'm not. i really should go to bed though. i have my very first managerial accounting test tomorrow. it's my last class of the day, which is actually bad because then i'll just be stressing out about it during all my other classes.
i burned "tonight, not again" by jason mraz from the radio room this evening. i think it's the only album of his i didn't have. i'm listening to 'sleeping to dream' and for some reason i'm crying. it's just so effing cute.
god, i'm tired. mrazy is making me cry. i think it's time to get some sleeeeeep.
Monday, March 2, 2009
train-wreck of a day.
i don't want to do anything but wallow in my self pity over this horrible day i've had. the weekend was so fantastical and here's why:
belin came to visit on thursday night. naturally we stayed up til 3 am chatting. we woke up at noon and went to lunch at the milk bottle - such a cute place. i love it. then we went downtown and drove around trying to find the house from benny & joon. we weren't successful, but it was a fun adventure. then we went to the BLVD to see the helio sequence. it didn't start til nine, so it was a really late show and there were three openers. aside from the drunken mess that tried to tell us it was still mardi gras, the show was great. the helio sequence really put on an amazing live show. it didn't end until about 1:30 and we got back to the dorm at around 2. again, we stayed up til 3 chatting. saturday, we woke up at noon again, ate lunch in the cafeteria at school, and went to northtown to do some more shopping. then we headed down town, ate dinner at azteca, and went to the empyrean to see the real you. we got coffee while waiting for the show to start, which was fantastic. i was sad to see that there were literally only ten people at the show, but it was great anyway. then we stuck around for the other band, alaska and me, which was a good decision because we really liked them. sunday was nice as well. we woke up and ate lunch at school and then spent some time at river front park before she had to take off.
so now that you know how wonderful my weekend was, you will be able to fully understand the train-wreck of a day i have had.
i didn't even look at my homework until 10 pm last night, assuming i had some short econ assignment. wrong. i had a test today at 8 am that i had completely forgotten about. so i studied until 2 am, at which point my eyes were starting to close involuntarily. i woke up at 6 to straighten my hair and mentally prepare myself. the four hours of "sleep" were completely restless for reasons unknown to me. then i trudged through the pouring rain to take my test, which was an epic failure. 60 points of true/false? you've gotta be kidding me. so after that disaster, i had writing class, which was the one ray of sunshine of my day. i got a 19/20 on my first article, which is the highest grade my professor gives. apparently "20 out of 20 is perfect, and no one is perfect." then i trudged through even more rain to the hub to get some coffee and a bagel to help get me through managerial accounting. the walk to accounting was deathly in the pouring rain. i was barely able to stay awake in class and walked absentmindedly back to my dorm. i was so frustrated with my hair (which is over grown and unruly) that i started to look up hair salons in spokane because i was set on getting my hair cut today. i decided to wait, considering i'd probably end up hating whatever cut i got by some person i don't know. i laid down for a three hour nap today, which made things slightly better.
naturally, all of this would happen on a monday. tomorrow is tuesday, which doesn't make things much better because i have ice skating class. my butt still hurts from an epic fall i had last thursday in front of the entire class. if i fall on it again tomorrow, i will probably cry from the pain. i'm praying that won't happen. that would be embarrassing.
it's just been one of those days where i really want to punch someone. not anyone in particular. i just want the satisfaction of knowing that someone is sharing my pain.
belin came to visit on thursday night. naturally we stayed up til 3 am chatting. we woke up at noon and went to lunch at the milk bottle - such a cute place. i love it. then we went downtown and drove around trying to find the house from benny & joon. we weren't successful, but it was a fun adventure. then we went to the BLVD to see the helio sequence. it didn't start til nine, so it was a really late show and there were three openers. aside from the drunken mess that tried to tell us it was still mardi gras, the show was great. the helio sequence really put on an amazing live show. it didn't end until about 1:30 and we got back to the dorm at around 2. again, we stayed up til 3 chatting. saturday, we woke up at noon again, ate lunch in the cafeteria at school, and went to northtown to do some more shopping. then we headed down town, ate dinner at azteca, and went to the empyrean to see the real you. we got coffee while waiting for the show to start, which was fantastic. i was sad to see that there were literally only ten people at the show, but it was great anyway. then we stuck around for the other band, alaska and me, which was a good decision because we really liked them. sunday was nice as well. we woke up and ate lunch at school and then spent some time at river front park before she had to take off.
so now that you know how wonderful my weekend was, you will be able to fully understand the train-wreck of a day i have had.
i didn't even look at my homework until 10 pm last night, assuming i had some short econ assignment. wrong. i had a test today at 8 am that i had completely forgotten about. so i studied until 2 am, at which point my eyes were starting to close involuntarily. i woke up at 6 to straighten my hair and mentally prepare myself. the four hours of "sleep" were completely restless for reasons unknown to me. then i trudged through the pouring rain to take my test, which was an epic failure. 60 points of true/false? you've gotta be kidding me. so after that disaster, i had writing class, which was the one ray of sunshine of my day. i got a 19/20 on my first article, which is the highest grade my professor gives. apparently "20 out of 20 is perfect, and no one is perfect." then i trudged through even more rain to the hub to get some coffee and a bagel to help get me through managerial accounting. the walk to accounting was deathly in the pouring rain. i was barely able to stay awake in class and walked absentmindedly back to my dorm. i was so frustrated with my hair (which is over grown and unruly) that i started to look up hair salons in spokane because i was set on getting my hair cut today. i decided to wait, considering i'd probably end up hating whatever cut i got by some person i don't know. i laid down for a three hour nap today, which made things slightly better.
naturally, all of this would happen on a monday. tomorrow is tuesday, which doesn't make things much better because i have ice skating class. my butt still hurts from an epic fall i had last thursday in front of the entire class. if i fall on it again tomorrow, i will probably cry from the pain. i'm praying that won't happen. that would be embarrassing.
it's just been one of those days where i really want to punch someone. not anyone in particular. i just want the satisfaction of knowing that someone is sharing my pain.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
trying to get my headache to subside.
it's currently february 17th. housing sign-ups for next year begin on april 15th. that is nearly two months away, but the topic is on everyone's mind, and i feel like it occupies every conversation. It's stressing me out beyond belief. do i want live on campus or off campus? and more importantly, who do i want to live with? i have offers on both sides, but i just don't know what to do. there is a major part of me that does not want to disconnect myself from the whitworth community just yet by moving off campus. i fear that if i live away from campus, i'll only be there for classes and will lose some of the friendships that i've made. plus, i don't want to deal with commuting to class every day. on the other hand, i'd love to be on my own in an apartment - i'd be able to cook my own meals and live the way i want. i'm ready to live on my own, that i know for sure. i just don't know if i'm ready to give up the 'college life' of living in the dorms and in community with everyone. it's definitely something you only experience once in life, and i may as well enjoy it while i can, right?
i just don't know what to do. technically, i have time to decide - two months to decide. but everyone's making decisions now and i feel pressured to make mine.
yesterday was not a good day for me. for some reason i was just really down and i'm not quite sure why. it happens once in a blue moon, and yesterday was it. it was weird. i finished class and went and ate lunch. we said goodbye to our prefrosh (who was super sweet) and then i pretty much just hung out in my room. at like 6:30, i came back to the room to chill and got a horrible headache, and i never get headaches. i laid in bed for two hours listening to music, staring at the wall, and thinking - trying to get my headache to subside. it never did. i met jared and kristina to go watch heroes, but we couldn't find any where to watch it. so i came back to the room and then left to go return a movie to videomatic. it was actually good that i had to return the movie - driving clears my head better than anything in the world. i pretty much did nothing until 11:30, when i decided i should at least get in bed and try to fall asleep. i was completely restless and the last time i looked at the clock was at 3 am. i'm feeling slightly better today. yesterday was just an anomaly that i don't understand.
i started the third week of ice skating today. i fell on my butt. it hurt (mostly my ego), but the worst part was that when i tried to get up, i fell again. the teacher came over asking me if i was okay. i was physically okay, i would just rather not have the teacher point out to the other thirty kids that i fell down. it was sorta embarrassing. i do think i'm getting better, but i still suck bad. at least i'm getting the credit out of the way - at least that's what i keep telling myself.
i just don't know what to do. technically, i have time to decide - two months to decide. but everyone's making decisions now and i feel pressured to make mine.
yesterday was not a good day for me. for some reason i was just really down and i'm not quite sure why. it happens once in a blue moon, and yesterday was it. it was weird. i finished class and went and ate lunch. we said goodbye to our prefrosh (who was super sweet) and then i pretty much just hung out in my room. at like 6:30, i came back to the room to chill and got a horrible headache, and i never get headaches. i laid in bed for two hours listening to music, staring at the wall, and thinking - trying to get my headache to subside. it never did. i met jared and kristina to go watch heroes, but we couldn't find any where to watch it. so i came back to the room and then left to go return a movie to videomatic. it was actually good that i had to return the movie - driving clears my head better than anything in the world. i pretty much did nothing until 11:30, when i decided i should at least get in bed and try to fall asleep. i was completely restless and the last time i looked at the clock was at 3 am. i'm feeling slightly better today. yesterday was just an anomaly that i don't understand.
i started the third week of ice skating today. i fell on my butt. it hurt (mostly my ego), but the worst part was that when i tried to get up, i fell again. the teacher came over asking me if i was okay. i was physically okay, i would just rather not have the teacher point out to the other thirty kids that i fell down. it was sorta embarrassing. i do think i'm getting better, but i still suck bad. at least i'm getting the credit out of the way - at least that's what i keep telling myself.
Monday, February 16, 2009
two more years and i'll really be kicked to the curb.
i wish whitworth didn't disrespect the presidents. i love the presidents, but mostly because they have a holiday which usually results in the cancellation of classes. not at whitworth. apparently, we answer to Jesus, and not the president, so we don't celebrate their holiday. how lame.
it's only the third week of the semester, and i'm already over it. luckily, there's only five weeks of ice skating left since it's only 1/2 semester long. it's not an unbearable as it was, but i don't look forward to it, by any means. i have noticed that i'm getting better, it's just not quite at 'enjoyable' status yet. i'm not convinced it will ever get to that point. i guess i will reevaluate in five weeks.
sometimes i wish i knew the future of my life. not necessarily how i will get there, just what the end result will be. the rest of the in between stuff can stay a secret. who will i marry? where will i work? how many kids will i have? where will i live? these questions seem to occupy my thoughts more often than they used to. is it because i'm "growing up" now? two more years and i'll really be kicked to the curb. i'll really have to start a career. i'm not scared of the responsibility. it's just a scary thought to be completely on my own.
i need a hair cut badly. i haven't had it cut since thanksgiving weekend. it's too long and the layers are all growing out. the longer it gets, the longer it takes to straighten it every day. i want to wait until spring break so i can get it cut at a salon in bellevue, but i don't know if i'll be able to wait that long. it's already driving me crazy.
naps have been my savior this year. i'm gonna go get saved.
it's only the third week of the semester, and i'm already over it. luckily, there's only five weeks of ice skating left since it's only 1/2 semester long. it's not an unbearable as it was, but i don't look forward to it, by any means. i have noticed that i'm getting better, it's just not quite at 'enjoyable' status yet. i'm not convinced it will ever get to that point. i guess i will reevaluate in five weeks.
sometimes i wish i knew the future of my life. not necessarily how i will get there, just what the end result will be. the rest of the in between stuff can stay a secret. who will i marry? where will i work? how many kids will i have? where will i live? these questions seem to occupy my thoughts more often than they used to. is it because i'm "growing up" now? two more years and i'll really be kicked to the curb. i'll really have to start a career. i'm not scared of the responsibility. it's just a scary thought to be completely on my own.
i need a hair cut badly. i haven't had it cut since thanksgiving weekend. it's too long and the layers are all growing out. the longer it gets, the longer it takes to straighten it every day. i want to wait until spring break so i can get it cut at a salon in bellevue, but i don't know if i'll be able to wait that long. it's already driving me crazy.
naps have been my savior this year. i'm gonna go get saved.
Friday, February 13, 2009
i'm utterly exhausted from such a long day.
i'm sitting in the white-walled study room of ballard basement. i finally finished my managerial accounting assignments. i am beginning to remember why financial accounting made me want to scream last semester. it is such a guess/check game that i can never seem to perfect. is bad debt expense a variable cost or a fixed cost? you tell me, cause i have no idea. blah. i hate it.
i made a horrible decision this week. that decision was to put off all of my work until tonight, thursday. i figured i would take the week to recover from my sickness, take lots of three hour naps, watch tv shows on my computer, go to bed early and get up late. unfortunately, i let a weeks worth of work pile up until tonight. i realized this at about 2 pm today. i just now finished managerial accounting, and i have yet to study for my macroeconomics quiz that i have tomorrow. now, you're probably wondering why i'm blogging instead of studying. and my answer is simple: if i sit here any longer without a break for my mind, it just might turn to mush. it's already one in the morning and i have lost all motivation to study for a ten point quiz. unfortunately, i forgot about last week's quiz and received a six out of ten. i cannot afford to get a six on all of the quizzes.
i'm finally starting to get a little better. i think i'm finally on the tail end of the cold, after almost a week of being sick. on the downside, emilie just got sick tonight. it is sort of inevitable, since we live in such a small, confined space. i actually felt well enough to not take a nap today - though i'm regretting it now since i'm utterly exhausted from such a long day.
i've decided that life center is the best out of all the churches i've been to since moving to whitworth. it is the place where i feel god's presence the most, which is kinda important. i've been going with emilie the last couple weeks, which i'm happy about. though, my radio show is scheduled for sundays from 7-9pm, so i won't be able to go with her any more. we went to the college group tonight. it was my first time going, but emilie had gone once last year and hated it. she wanted to give it another try and i wanted to give it a first try. i am really glad i went. it was so much better than i had expected. the worship was powerful and the message was entertaining but informative. i think i'm going to try to continue going every week. also, they have a bible study that meets at whitworth. i may try to go to that on monday nights as well. we'll see.
my guitar is giving me problems lately. i few days ago, i woke up with an unexplainable pain in my left hand. it was sort of in my wrist, but also my thumb. i couldn't really place it - there was some popping and pinching going on. i puzzled about it all day, until i realized later while i was playing my guitar, that i'm pretty sure the pain is from that! i was watching myself, and sometimes i sort of have to contort my hand in order to make my short fingers reach all the strings. and also, i'm starting to do a lot more work with bar chords, and you have to pinch with your thumb in order to get enough leverage to get all the strings down. honestly, i probably play my guitar at least an hour a day, give or take. it makes me sad that it's physically hurting me, if that's what the problem is.
exhaustion is taking over. it's nearing 1 am, and i still have yet to study for my macro quiz. maybe i'll get in bed and try to study up before my eyes drift off into an unwakable sleep.
i made a horrible decision this week. that decision was to put off all of my work until tonight, thursday. i figured i would take the week to recover from my sickness, take lots of three hour naps, watch tv shows on my computer, go to bed early and get up late. unfortunately, i let a weeks worth of work pile up until tonight. i realized this at about 2 pm today. i just now finished managerial accounting, and i have yet to study for my macroeconomics quiz that i have tomorrow. now, you're probably wondering why i'm blogging instead of studying. and my answer is simple: if i sit here any longer without a break for my mind, it just might turn to mush. it's already one in the morning and i have lost all motivation to study for a ten point quiz. unfortunately, i forgot about last week's quiz and received a six out of ten. i cannot afford to get a six on all of the quizzes.
i'm finally starting to get a little better. i think i'm finally on the tail end of the cold, after almost a week of being sick. on the downside, emilie just got sick tonight. it is sort of inevitable, since we live in such a small, confined space. i actually felt well enough to not take a nap today - though i'm regretting it now since i'm utterly exhausted from such a long day.
i've decided that life center is the best out of all the churches i've been to since moving to whitworth. it is the place where i feel god's presence the most, which is kinda important. i've been going with emilie the last couple weeks, which i'm happy about. though, my radio show is scheduled for sundays from 7-9pm, so i won't be able to go with her any more. we went to the college group tonight. it was my first time going, but emilie had gone once last year and hated it. she wanted to give it another try and i wanted to give it a first try. i am really glad i went. it was so much better than i had expected. the worship was powerful and the message was entertaining but informative. i think i'm going to try to continue going every week. also, they have a bible study that meets at whitworth. i may try to go to that on monday nights as well. we'll see.
my guitar is giving me problems lately. i few days ago, i woke up with an unexplainable pain in my left hand. it was sort of in my wrist, but also my thumb. i couldn't really place it - there was some popping and pinching going on. i puzzled about it all day, until i realized later while i was playing my guitar, that i'm pretty sure the pain is from that! i was watching myself, and sometimes i sort of have to contort my hand in order to make my short fingers reach all the strings. and also, i'm starting to do a lot more work with bar chords, and you have to pinch with your thumb in order to get enough leverage to get all the strings down. honestly, i probably play my guitar at least an hour a day, give or take. it makes me sad that it's physically hurting me, if that's what the problem is.
exhaustion is taking over. it's nearing 1 am, and i still have yet to study for my macro quiz. maybe i'll get in bed and try to study up before my eyes drift off into an unwakable sleep.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
negatives outweighing the positives.
here is a list of all the things that happened to me that i would not want to happen during the first two weeks of a new semester:
1. i fell down in ice skating four times and bruised my wrist and knees. then i accidentally rammed my bruised knee into the corner of my desk the same day. this cause me to double over on my bed in pain and my eyes to water.
2. i caught some sort of illness a couple days ago. i have been taking three hour naps every day. my nose is runnng constantly. i even wake up in the middle of the night needing to wipe my nose. i am constantly fighting back the sneezes during class. luckily, a dear friend gave me a package of fisherman's friends, the best cough drops known to mankind. but, they don't help the runny nose or headaches.
3. there was a power outage in my dorm last night. but, of course, the power outage was only on my half of the building. the other half had their lights back after a quick second of blackness. i am equipped with a flashlight, but the batteries were dying, naturally. the power was out for about three hours before i decided to call it quits and try to sleep. then, apparently, in order to fix the problem, all power to campus needed to be turned off for a half hour. i went to sleep before that happened, but slept horribly because i kept thinking it was morning. plus, randall's light turned on in the middle of the night because of the reset, which jostled me in my slumber.
4. i ended up having to drop a class because it was going to be way to much work and my grades would have suffered.
5. my saturday night was spent alone.
6. the first cd i reviewed for radio class was probably some of the worst screamo i've ever heard.
7. I had to dig my car out of a four foot block of ice that was blocking it.
8. I realized yesterday that i haven't been to a show since november. NOT okay.
Positives:
1. I bought the Hey Monday cd with a gift card. it is fantastic.
2. i am finished with class at 11:25 on mon/wed/fri.
3. my marketing class is my favorite. it's the first time i've actually wanted to participate in class. i guess that's a good indicator that i've chosen the right major.
4. i finally decorated my room after rearranging it last week.
5. my sister might come visit at the end of the month.
6. new episodes of lost, heroes, and the office are currently running.
so, unfortunately, the bad are currently outweighing the good. son of a B. at least it is already wednesday. my week is exactly half way over right now. i have marketing tonight, which i am excited for. but it also means i miss lost...so, plus and minus. i hope i will get better soon. being sick blows.
1. i fell down in ice skating four times and bruised my wrist and knees. then i accidentally rammed my bruised knee into the corner of my desk the same day. this cause me to double over on my bed in pain and my eyes to water.
2. i caught some sort of illness a couple days ago. i have been taking three hour naps every day. my nose is runnng constantly. i even wake up in the middle of the night needing to wipe my nose. i am constantly fighting back the sneezes during class. luckily, a dear friend gave me a package of fisherman's friends, the best cough drops known to mankind. but, they don't help the runny nose or headaches.
3. there was a power outage in my dorm last night. but, of course, the power outage was only on my half of the building. the other half had their lights back after a quick second of blackness. i am equipped with a flashlight, but the batteries were dying, naturally. the power was out for about three hours before i decided to call it quits and try to sleep. then, apparently, in order to fix the problem, all power to campus needed to be turned off for a half hour. i went to sleep before that happened, but slept horribly because i kept thinking it was morning. plus, randall's light turned on in the middle of the night because of the reset, which jostled me in my slumber.
4. i ended up having to drop a class because it was going to be way to much work and my grades would have suffered.
5. my saturday night was spent alone.
6. the first cd i reviewed for radio class was probably some of the worst screamo i've ever heard.
7. I had to dig my car out of a four foot block of ice that was blocking it.
8. I realized yesterday that i haven't been to a show since november. NOT okay.
Positives:
1. I bought the Hey Monday cd with a gift card. it is fantastic.
2. i am finished with class at 11:25 on mon/wed/fri.
3. my marketing class is my favorite. it's the first time i've actually wanted to participate in class. i guess that's a good indicator that i've chosen the right major.
4. i finally decorated my room after rearranging it last week.
5. my sister might come visit at the end of the month.
6. new episodes of lost, heroes, and the office are currently running.
so, unfortunately, the bad are currently outweighing the good. son of a B. at least it is already wednesday. my week is exactly half way over right now. i have marketing tonight, which i am excited for. but it also means i miss lost...so, plus and minus. i hope i will get better soon. being sick blows.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
i miss the people. i miss the pinecones.
i cannot believe it's already thursday. we fly back to spokane on sunday night, and i can't wait. i honestly never thought i'd ever miss whitworth as much as i do right now. last year, i would have given anything to get away, at least for a while, a weekend, anything. this year is so completely different. i still don't know if i can ever consider spokane 'home,' but whitworth is my temporary home, and i miss it. i miss the people. i miss the pinecones. i miss reading and studying in the coffee shop. i miss saying hello to people on the hello walk.
i have had such a good time on this trip and i've learned so much. i've met a bunch of new people and seen so many new places. i feel like i haven't experience DC at all since i've been here, mostly because we haven't gotten out much. we got caught up with all the inauguration stuff, and then the last two days we've had meetings all day. i'll basically only have saturday to sight see, and i know i won't be able to see nearly everything i want to see. i've basically come to the conclusion that i'll come back here some day (i don't know how soon) so i should just enjoy myself and not stress about trying to cram it all in.
this trip has been go, go, go non-stop. i'm ready for a break. i go back to school on sunday and then i get to go home for jan term break on tuesday. i'll be home for almost a week, which will be much needed. i can't wait to have some home-cooked meals. i've already told my mother that i don't want to go out to eat at all while i'm home. i've had to eat every single meal out for the last two and a half weeks and i'm so sick of it. though, i'm pretty sure i've lost some weight with all of the walking we're doing. i'm a horrible gauge of miles and such, but let's just say it's more than i've ever walked in my entire life in this short time span. it's good though, because these winter months are the hardest for me to get up the energy to work out. when it's this cold outside, i never want to put work out clothes on and walk to the gym in the snow and freezing temperatures. i'm glad to have gotten off campus for jan term because of that, but i almost miss the really relaxing time that it allows on campus.
i'm a little worried for spring semester. my schedule is sort of up in the air right now. my marketing class (that i built my entire schedule around) got moved to a night class. fantastic. so now i've been trying to rearrange things in my schedule, but now it's going to be really unbalanced. i have four classes on monday, plus yoga, so five hours of class. then hopefully i'll have marketing on tuesday/thursday mornings, but that'll be it. it's kind of stressing me out to not have my schedule set in stone going into the semester. i'm not taking a night class, but if i don't get into the other marketing class, i don't know what i'll do. i have to take it this semester.
i'm trying not to think about it. i'm trying to think about how i get to go back to whitworth on sunday and see my friends. and then how i get to go home on tuesday and relax for a week and eat amazing home cooked food. mmm.
i have had such a good time on this trip and i've learned so much. i've met a bunch of new people and seen so many new places. i feel like i haven't experience DC at all since i've been here, mostly because we haven't gotten out much. we got caught up with all the inauguration stuff, and then the last two days we've had meetings all day. i'll basically only have saturday to sight see, and i know i won't be able to see nearly everything i want to see. i've basically come to the conclusion that i'll come back here some day (i don't know how soon) so i should just enjoy myself and not stress about trying to cram it all in.
this trip has been go, go, go non-stop. i'm ready for a break. i go back to school on sunday and then i get to go home for jan term break on tuesday. i'll be home for almost a week, which will be much needed. i can't wait to have some home-cooked meals. i've already told my mother that i don't want to go out to eat at all while i'm home. i've had to eat every single meal out for the last two and a half weeks and i'm so sick of it. though, i'm pretty sure i've lost some weight with all of the walking we're doing. i'm a horrible gauge of miles and such, but let's just say it's more than i've ever walked in my entire life in this short time span. it's good though, because these winter months are the hardest for me to get up the energy to work out. when it's this cold outside, i never want to put work out clothes on and walk to the gym in the snow and freezing temperatures. i'm glad to have gotten off campus for jan term because of that, but i almost miss the really relaxing time that it allows on campus.
i'm a little worried for spring semester. my schedule is sort of up in the air right now. my marketing class (that i built my entire schedule around) got moved to a night class. fantastic. so now i've been trying to rearrange things in my schedule, but now it's going to be really unbalanced. i have four classes on monday, plus yoga, so five hours of class. then hopefully i'll have marketing on tuesday/thursday mornings, but that'll be it. it's kind of stressing me out to not have my schedule set in stone going into the semester. i'm not taking a night class, but if i don't get into the other marketing class, i don't know what i'll do. i have to take it this semester.
i'm trying not to think about it. i'm trying to think about how i get to go back to whitworth on sunday and see my friends. and then how i get to go home on tuesday and relax for a week and eat amazing home cooked food. mmm.
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