the first time that i saw an 'emo' band

it's been a while, dear blog, since i have written in you. finals are over...thank god. i'm gonna lie, that semester was not horrible at all. i am so happy to be done with my painting class, even though it totally effed up my hand even more. in the last week of school, we had been assigned so much work (and...i kind...procrastinated just a tiny bit) that i ended up doing four hours of painting every day for three days straight. my thumb was already not doing so well after my surgery, but it was crazy sore for the few days after i did all that painting (right when i had to do three long, written finals). i thought the soreness would go away after giving it a few days of rest with minimal writing and other usage...only the soreness has not gone away at all, and it's still doing that popping thing it's been doing for a while now. it got to the point where after i was finished painting one day, i put my brush down and i literally could not move my thumb from the position it had been in. i just wish it would be all better and normal again...but i guess it's never going to be completely normal again after having seven screws and a plate screwed into my bone. the doctor told me the only thing they worried about with this kind of surgery was soreness and stiffness, which is exactly my problem. oh well, i go back to the doctor on thursday for a check up, although it's not like he can do anything else besides send me to get more physical therapy which i really don't want to have to do.

i'm finally home after all of this time and i don't have to go back until january 6th. yes. the last few weeks at school were really hard for me. i have seriously considered transferring to a school closer to home...not necessarily to be closer to home, i just really miss the seattle area. it's so nice and i just love everything about it. spokane is just...well...icky. there's creepers every where and there isn't really much to do unless you have a car. i dunno, i guess i've just been feeling really discouraged there, partially because i really don't have that many friends, which is partially my fault. i hate having to be the one to always initiate things. i just wish that for once someone would call me to hang out, or come to visit me, instead of the other way around. it wouldn't be any easier transferring to another school, just to have to start over completely. plus, of the schools that i would consider going to, none of them have to major that i want, which totally sucks. also, whitworth is just an amazing school, i really do love it. honestly, if whitworth was in seattle, it would be the absolute best possible situation. it's hard being away from friends that care about me, and that i really care about...i have really been missing just hanging out with my friends.

college has just...well...surprised me i guess you could say. things have not really turned out the way i thought they would. but then again, does anything ever turn out the way you think it will (or want it to, for that matter)? so, naturally, i have turned to two things: god and music. i must say that the whole 'not having friends' thing has really drawn me closer to god. when i have no one to talk to or hang out with, i talk to him. when i'm sitting alone in my room, i worship. when i'm having a really bad day, i put moneta on my ipod at full volume and pray, and sometimes cry. music has really rescued me. if i lay on my bed with my ipod on max volume, i can literally drown out everything. i can even drown out the sad thought that i'm thinking, the noisy sounds in the hall, the sirens going off somewhere downtown, and the words that i repeat in my head over and over. music has been such an outlet for me and i don't know where i'd be without it.

i've had people ask me things like 'so why did you turn emo?' and the more i think about it, the more i realize that it has been an ongoing transformation the last couple years. i think part of the reason is that i wanted to be part of something. i feel like for my whole life, i've just wandered around aimlessly, trying to find where i fit into this huge mess of a world. i remember the very first time that i saw an 'emo' band. at first i was kinda turned off, but then i started to feed off all the concerts i was going to. now, i have lost count of the shows i've gone to. and no, i did not do this to fit in at shows, that would be dumb, and i really don't care what anyone thinks about me (i'd be more embarrassed to have my mom there like some kids, then to walk in not wearing skinny jeans). i think it was just a mental transformation that followed with a slight and gradual change in clothing and hair style. and let me just say, that being 'emo' does not mean that i am depressed or cut myself...it is a music style that has also become a clothing style. and if you think emo = cutting, then you are ignorant and stereotypical.

speaking of the first time i saw an 'emo' band, i get to see that band (holyfield...formerly tysen) on saturday, and also moneta...literally two of my favorite bands. i cannot wait. also, truce is playing, and they are just comical haha. plus, amber pacific is headlining. i never got super into them, but they're really good and i've heard they put on an awesome live show. mike just brought me tickets today which was cool. i just love going to see local bands. they're THAT cool that they will drive to your house (which is most likely not very close to where they live) just to bring you tickets. local bands really care about and appreciate their fans. i think that's one thing i don't like about a lot of mainstream bands - that they forget about their fans. and i realize that really popular bands can't really hang at their merch table after their show, but i just hate how commercialized they get. every band gets to where they are because of their fans, and i feel that most local bands appreciate and value each and every fan they have, which is the way it should be.

it feels so good to be home now. christmas is my favorite time of year (despite the rushing around to get last minute presents). and let me tell you, i am very happy to be away from the spokane cold and snow. when i landed at sea-tac i rejoiced a little at the fact that everything wasn't white! don't get me wrong, i do enjoy a little snow here and there, and it's really pretty...but i hate having to put on like twenty layers just to walk to class or to get lunch. it gets extremely annoying. i was looking forward to being able to go running with bubba while i am home, but it's been raining every day since i've been back, and i absolutely hate running in the rain.

i am very proud of you if you made it all the way to the end of this blog...i just realized that it is ridiculously long. oh well. no one reads these things anyway, right?

nine hours worth of painting

i regret to say that there is not much to report today. i didn't get everything done that i wanted to get done today, but that is the story of my life. really though, the only thing i've been putting off like no other is my painting assignment. i have to do a full figure, life size self portrait, which is going to be three 22 X 30 canvases put together, which is basically ridiculous. not only do i not want to do it, but i really don't see a point. what does my professor expect me to do with a life size self portrait? i'm not going to hang it in my house...that would be insane and a little weird. i really have no motivation to do it, but it's due tuesday and i haven't even started...oops. one painting of 22 x 30 usually takes about three hours, and that is to do a mediocre job. so, i basically have about nine hours worth of painting to do that i some how have to fit into this weekend along with studying for three major finals. not a good plan on my part, let's just say.

i can't wait to go back to seattle and get away from this place for a while. thanksgiving break was not nearly long enough...i just felt like i was getting teased, which was really annoying. at least my mother sent me a package full of good food for during finals week with some of my favorite cookies, homemade fudge, and all sorts of snacky goodness. i must say that studying for finals sucks...especially when they don't stop giving you assignments! other schools have dead week so they don't have classes for the few days leading up to finals but i have class up until the day finals start, it is insane. i still have an essay to write that is due monday, thankfully i have already started. i think i may just try to devote tomorrow to painting and try to get half way done...we will see how that turns out, haha. i will probably end up staying up all hours of the night on monday to finish them...even though i definitely have one of my hardest finals that day. ugh.

i'm really tired today. actually, i'm just really tired in general. i kind of feel just down all the time, but not necessarily in the 'sad' sense, just not my bubbly self that i used to be. ah well. honestly, i think that the concert on the 22nd will make me a much happier person. even though i saw barcelona on december 1st, it's a totally different experience when you go see a rock band and are standing in the middle of a crowd that is so into the music and the band just feeds off the crowd's energy. it's the most amazing thing, and i miss it terribly.

i'm considering getting a piercing. i haven't really consulted anyone yet on their feelings or thoughts. this isn't just an impulse thing...i've been considering it since about august, but i just haven't voiced it at all. i've done quite a bit of research, but i just don't know...i think i will try to ask my sister, who will probably be all for it. but then there's the mother issue, which i know she would most definitely not be all for it. and though i don't need her approval since i am 18, i don't really want to do something if she isn't going to support me in it. and now you are all wondering what piercing i'm talking about, right? well...you'll just have to keep guessing, but don't worry it's not anything bad. :]

why can't we all just get along?

well, things are going alright here on the lovely whitworth university campus. laundry is currently in the dryer, spinning round and round. i feel like my life is in slow motion. it's as if i'm sitting in an old recliner just watching my life go by in the form of a movie on an old black and white screen. only this is the kind of movie where you want to scream at the character "don't do that!" because you can see what consequences will come of it. what has happened is not my fault, and i will not take credit for it, or blame myself. i don't regret anything i have said or done. i said it all for good reason.

forgive and forget is a hard phrase, and it makes me sad that some people can't do it. i am the kind of person that forgives without a second thought. jesus told all christians to forgive those who sin against them, so i do. but let it be known, that i never forget. all the hurtful things that were said to me by anyone will remain in the back of my mind forever, but i do not harbor bad thoughts. i hate confrontation, and i hate to see my friends sad, but i cannot do anything about it.

love is a weird thing. you know what the bible says about love? 1 corinthians 13:4 says "love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." i wish this is the ideal that everyone lived by. i use my parents as an example. they have been married for oh geez...uh 29 years maybe? i don't even remember. and yes, they have had problems, but their love is true. i can see the love god describes in my mom, even though my dad, who is not christian, does not necessarily love according to this verse. they have true love that has lasted. it makes me sad that in our culture, this word 'love' has become something almost meaningless. do people even realize what it really means to love someone, especially according to god's interpretation...well it's not an interpretation, considering he made love, well actually, god IS love. it makes me sad to see little thirteen year old girls saying they have fallen in love, but no one at the age of thirteen can even fathom what love actually means.

i just wish everyone tried to be like jesus. it would make life so much easier, and we could all just get along. why can't we all just get along? why does it have to be so difficult for people to apologize. is it really that hard to admit one's mistake? 'i'm sorry' are very heavy words, that can mean a lot, and it's only two words. probably some of the most powerful words we can say.

ah well. what do i know? and what can i do to change people? nothing. i really can't do anything. home is calling my name now more than ever. i wish i had my tullamook here to comfort me...i could really use a puppy hug right about now. only 6 more days left until i leave this place for more than three weeks. ah! and only 15 days till i get to see two of my favorite bands ever. and it will be #5 for both of them, wow...that just dawned on me. that's pretty amazing. thinking about this definitely brightens my day.

i have three finals that i should be studying for right now. this darn internet keeps tearing me away from my studies. geez.

it just brings a smile to my face.

oh gosh. it is wednesday, december 5th, and i have a 9:40 am flight home on december 13th. only 8 days. too bad i have an unbelievable amount of stuff to do before then. ugh. it doesn't help that the drama has increased dramatically (no pun intended) in the last couple days, which simply adds to my stress. it makes me really mad that i wanted to come to college to get away from the immaturity and drama, and there has been about five times as much drama in the last few months than i had to deal with all throughout high school. crazy, right? i wish i was lying. oh well, at this point, there is literally nothing more i can do. the ball is in everyone else's court, and i have done all i can do, and i have said my piece and laid everything out on the table...no holding back. nothing i do or say now can change the situation, so i just have to sit back and deal with it. luckily in 8 days i won't have to deal with it for more than three weeks! yesss.

so, guess what? on december 22, i get to see moneta and holyfield and the showbox! i am so ridiculously excited right now. it's been almost four months since i have been to show of one of my favorite seattle bands. it will be so good for me...something to help me get through the crap i'm having to deal with. and it's at the showbox, my favorite venue, or what i like to call my 'concert home'. i can't even count the number of shows i have been to there.

i can't believe the semester is almost over. on the one hand, i feel like i've barely been here at all, but on the other hand it has felt like an eternity. plus, there has been so much crap going on, and there were people in my life (that are no longer in it) that did not treat me well, which made things really hard. at least now i know that i won't have to be subjected to that person's negative comments about me all the time, which is a relief.

i'm so excited for christmas. i really just can't wait to go home and be with my family. the holiday season is my favorite time of year. i love seeing wonderful decorations every where i go...it just brings a smile to my face. though, i am not looking forward to going christmas shopping during the crazy time, when people start to get a little rabid and fight to the death for a parking space or a spot in line at the department store. i think it is sad that some people get so caught up in the holiday that they forget that the season is about giving, not about cutting in line, or getting the last shirt on the rack. i always try to just have a good attitude around christmas...considering it is supposed to be a celebration.

well only a few days left. i only have to go to my painting class two more times! yes! i only have one more core lecture, two more pilates classes (which i am very sad about...i absolutely love it), two more gospel of john classes, and then of course i have finals, which i only have three tests...the rest of my classes just have other assignments, like my painting class. i have quite a bit of work to do, which i'm actually kind of ahead on, but i should still try and get something done before dinner. spread the cheer!

it's christmas time, which just makes everything jolly.

i regret that i have been neglecting this blog. to the point that if it were a dog, it would be extremely emaciated by now. that's not morbid at all, huh?

the snow has finally come, along with the cold weather. yesterday is was 19 degrees and we had about four inches of snow. right now it is about 25 and snowing. i must say that i am getting accustomed to this absolutely freezing weather. it's not as unbearable as i thought it would be (though wait until it's below zero, and my feelings will probably change). the white snow on the dark evergreen trees is one of the most beautiful things. it's as if a while blanket is covering the ground. god is so amazing to have created such a place.

finals are looming. it's a scary thought. all of my midterms were spread out over a period of about two weeks, and my finals are going to take place within two days. i don't really know how i'm going to handle that. but...i get to go home in 14 days from today. yes. that's all i have to say.

there are so many fun things i am going to do while i am home. like going to see moneta and holyfield on december 22nd. i don't know who i am going with, but i am going, i don't even care. and i hoping that i will be able to ride with my friend rachel (who i used to teach lessons with) when i am home too. and of course, it is christmas time, which just makes everything jolly.

i have so much to get done before i get home, which has kinda been stressing me out, but i'm starting to feel a little bit better. i'm just trying to take one day at a time and plan ahead so i'm not left with a huge pile of work during finals week.

back to work, kiddies.

soapbox on dating and relationships

things are not going well right now. there is a ridiculous amount of crap that has been occurring lately, and i can't get away from it. some how the drama just seems to be following me. i'm really annoyed because college is a time for people to grow up and learn how to deal with issues like adults. honestly, there is about five times the amount of drama here as i had to deal with back home, which pisses me off. people are turning out to not be the people i thought they were. i'm finding things out about people that i did not know before, and they aren't always good things.

time for a soapbox on dating and relationships. ready?

I feel like I have a much deeper expectation for what a relationship should be, what it should be like, and reasons for having a relationship, than many people I know. My youth group was against high school and junior high relationships (not that they wouldn't accept you if you did have them), believing them to be unnecessary and distracting to one's budding relationship with God. At first, I did not understand this belief, I thought it to be absurd and ridiculous. But when I learned more, I began to understand and agree. A "relationship" should be for the purpose of finding out if someone is right for you, the person you are meant to be with. It should not be something you do because it makes you feel good. Of course being liked would make anyone feel good. Knowing you are desirable to someone of the opposite sex is something everyone wants. I am NOT ashamed to admit that I have never been in a relationship...not to mention (obviously) that I have never been kissed. Why should I waste my time in a relationship with someone, just because of my own desires, and selfish ones at that? I don't see the purpose of having a 'significant other' if I know there is absolutely no possibility of them being 'the one'.

I don't understand the draw of having a boyfriend just to have one. I recently told someone (who asked me if I plan to have a boyfriend in college this year) that if the right person comes along, then yes, I will have a relationship. I won't enter into a relationship because it is fun, because it is enjoyable, because it's nice to cuddle or hold hands, because it's nice to have someone enjoy my company, or because they like me. I don't see the point. One's desires can make them think they like someone, when the truth is that they like to be liked.
Being at a christian school, it is encouraging to know that the majority of the guys here are christians, but the fact is, many or most of them probably do not share the same views on relationships as I do. Some do not even share the same morals. I know there is someone out there for me. Someone who takes relationships as seriously as I do. As far as a "first kiss" goes, I almost view it in the same way as I view "saving myself for marriage." How wonderful would it be to tell my husband that he is only he 2nd, 3rd, or 4th guy i've ever kissed? Where as, some people have kissed so many they can't remember them all. If I have waited 18 years, why blow my first kiss on some guy that doesn't really mean anything to me, or that I don't truly feel a connection with? I figure, I can wait until someone wonderful comes along to sweep me off my feet, and tell people that my first kiss was absolutely wonderful....not that it was with some stupid kid from seventh grade whose name I don't even remember.

It makes me sad that relationships don't mean much any more. In the old days, a man would ask a woman's father's permission to ask her out on a date. Relationships have become so normal, so casual, that there isn't much meaning left to them, and that wasn't the way God made them to be.

an environmentally friendly establishment

i am currently in the radio studio doing my radio show...what a perfect time to blog, huh? i swear i actually do stuff during my show, haha. i am writing today to say that i could possibly be the most unlucky person in the world. well, i guess it's not being unlucky, just a lot of crappy, bad things happen to me all the time. (you can refer back to an old blog about me tripping while coming out of my dorm). today, me and rebecca took the bus to target/safeway shopping center to get some random things. but, we were very hungry for lunch upon getting off the bus, so we decided to grab some lunch before heading to target. well, we crossed the street, but in order to get to pizza hut (where we decided to eat lunch), we could either walk along the side walk which was extremely out of the way, or cut across this small grassy ditch that was kinda wet. well of course we did not want to walk a huge way out of our way so we decided to walk across the little ditch. as we were walking down the side of it, i thought i was going to slip cause it was kinda steep. i even told rebecca "you know how clumsy i am, i am going to fall!" but i didn't. so then we were walking across the flat part and we suddenly realized that it was really wet so we started running and picking up our feet really high. and as i was running, of course, i slip in the wetness and fall flat on my butt. the bottom of my purse went into a puddle, as did basically my entire backside. we started cracking up because it was really hilarious, but i was extremely angry because i was soaking wet. so then we went to pizza hut, and i was hoping that they would be an environmentally friendly establishment and have a blow dryer in the bathroom. so i went in there and before i opened the door i said "God, please let there be a dryer in there." much to my surprise and happiness, there was! i run up to it and push the button...and nothing happens. so i push it about ten or twenty more times, hoping beyond hope that it will randomly start to work, but of course it does not. just another example of things that ONLY happen to me. at least they happen to me a lot more than any other person i have ever met. i need to meet a man that will love me even though i am horribly unlucky.

well, my radio show is almost over. it's been kinda crazy tonight. there were a couple times we went on the air and i couldn't stop laughing. i'm sure people who were listening (if anyone was listening at all) could not understand what the heck i was saying. oh well. i don't think anyone really listens any way. i must go, my computer is on the verge of dying. good night world wide web.

dips and dives of epic proportions

my life consists of ups and downs...constantly. i feel as if i'm riding a huge roller coaster with consecutive dips and dives of epic proportions. lame analogy, i know. but, unfortunately, it is too true. one day i will have amazing things happen, with everything happening to my benefit. then the next day i will have the complete opposite experience, as if the devil is taking charge of everything that happens to me. yesterday was an amazing day. i got an email from my professor, telling me she has mixed up an essay grade and that i had actually received a 90% instead of 64%...which is an absolutely huge change, and it definitely put me in a good mood. i was preparing for registering for classes, and all the classes i wanted still had openings. i took a test for core that i had been stressing over, that actually didn't go to horribly (at least i think...), and it was such a relief to have it be done. and i turned an essay in yesterday which had also caused me some stress. overall, yesterday was literally one of the best days i've had in a while. it was just a series of little good things that happened to add up to an amazing day.

...buuuuut then today came. i will not go into reasons why i woke up on the complete wrong side of the bed. there are a couple specific reasons, but i don't want to write about them...it will make me too pissed off. i went to work out this morning with rebecca and emilie, for which i had to get up at 9:15 because they didn't want to go later. thursday is one of my two sleep-in days, so i was not very happy to be waking up before 10. then, for certain reasons that will, to you all, remain unknown, i was extremely tired and had absolutely no energy to work out...so i got a headache after we left the fitness center, which just helped to make my day so bright. i later discovered that the class that i planned to take next semester to fulfill my science requirement is only available to education students, so i was forced to re-evaluate my whole schedule that i had planned two weeks in advance. wonderful. then it was lunch time, and i ate with rebecca and jared. i hadn't seen jared in a couple days, so that was fun. but some trouble ensued, making things slightly awkward. then they went to class and i went back to my room to prepare to register for classes right at 2pm, the moment that i would be able to. of course, just my luck, the site we use to register was telling me that i was not eligible to register, even though i was. i spent about fifteen minutes freaking out that the classes i wanted would fill up before the stupid site decided to work, when finally it went through, and i was able to get all the classes i wanted...besides, of course, the science class that i will never be able to take. and now, this is where the past becomes present. i am currently sitting at my computer wondering what the heck is happening. this day has just not been good. nothing has necessarily gone right, but what really made it bad, was the start to my day. you know what i mean? if one bad thing happens when you wake up, it just kinda makes the entire rest of the day sucky and miserable.

i get to go home for thanksgiving break in only six days. i am very anxious for many things that will occur during this break...one thing in particular, that i don't really want to talk about. BUT i am extremely excited to spend time with my sisters, since i haven't seen them since august! and i'm just excited to go home and see my pets. i've recently really been missing tully. it could just be because i know he is old and i want to spend as much time with him as possible. i just wish i could run up and hug him and kiss his face. and of course, i can't wait to see my bubzer...with that cute little, smashed in face and loud breathing. and i can't leave out my little kitten, who decided to be mad at me when i went home for fall break. i guess she was pissed that i left, so decided to basically ignore me and run away from me until the night before i left. hopefully she will be more inclined to spend time with me this break. i am also really excited to see all my friends that i haven't seen in a while...i feel like it's been a lifetime, but i know once we are all together, it will feel like no time has passed at all, and i love that.

this semester is almost over, and i am soooo happy. i am not really enjoying my classes this semester, and i have a feeling that spring is going to be much more fun. and for jan term i am taking music of the christian church, which is going to be really easy and fun. i'm pumped.

i really miss live music. it's funny because for rebecca, it was just a fun thing to do on the weekends, but for me, it has become so much more. i find out about all of these amazing concerts happening in seattle while i am in spokane, and i get really sad about missing them. she doesn't get nearly as disappointed. i just miss it so much. going to concerts was a way to escape from literally everything else that is going on in your life (especially the bad stuff) and forget about it just for a few hours, while enjoying some amazing entertainment with people who love it just as much as you do. and also, it helped having one to look forward to, it was something that kept me going through hard times...knowing that i would be going to see this providence or the classic crime in a month motivated me a lot to just suffer through whatever was going on. oh well. i guess i will just have to find something to fill the void that is now in my life.

6 days! ahhh!

only a few weeks of school left in the semester

i'm sitting in the coffee shop, called Mind and Hearth, supposed to be studying for the majorly huge and important test i have tomorrow. so naturally, my mind is thinking about everything else besides the test, including the fact that i have been slightly neglecting this blog. i am extremely stressed out right now...life is moving ridiculously fast right now. i have seven hours of class total today (when every other day of the week, i only have three), six of which still lie ahead of me.

i have this weird feeling that good things are going to come soon, that things are going to start to look up really soon. i don't know where this feeling is coming from, or why, but i definitely like it. things have gotten pretty hard the last couple of weeks...especially with thanksgiving so close, but yet so far away. i'm really missing my sisters, whom i haven't seen since the end of august. it feels weird. i've also been extremely emotional lately, and i have no idea why. randomly i will think of something that would normally make me only slightly sad, and i will start bawling. it's very odd.

luckily my emotional state is starting to taper off, it could have been because i was extremely sick for two and a half weeks and was on all sorts of crazy medicines, and my body was all messed up from not getting good rest. who knows?

i am so happy that this semester is almost over. i am taking 16 credits right now, and have 19 hours of class a week. next semester (assuming i get all the classes i want...) i will still have 16 credits, but only 15 hours of class a week. that really is a huge difference. i'm not taking any especially fun classes next semester...just trying to get a bunch of general education requirements out of the way...but i know that the amount of reading will be considerably less, which will be such a relief. i feel like i am just drowning in reading right now.

there are only a few weeks of school left in the semester. upon returning from thanksgiving break, i will only have two weeks of class, then finals week, then i get to go home again on december 13th! i have a feeling it is going to go extremely fast. also, i am really excited because i have been emailing this woman who has a horse that needs exercising. i went to visit her and meet her horses while my parents were here for parents weekend. her horse, mercedes or mercy, was really sweet and cute. mercy had a baby a little while ago, so the lady is going to be officially weaning the baby this weekend, which means i can start riding her soon! and the lady, Sam, offered to come pick me up from school to come work her horse. i'm so fricking excited.

i am still hoping, beyond all hope, that i will get a car soon. it is really annoying being stuck on campus. it would just be nice if i had a way to escape if i'm feeling down or sad or mad, for that matter. even just getting off campus to go to starbucks, just to get away, would be a huge help to me right now. not to mention, then i would be able to go ride a lot more often, considering Sam can only come get me on the weekends cause she works full time. ohh geez.

i want to paint my nails black.

the incessant and horrible coughing

well it's been quite a while since i have blogged. it's weird. it's mostly because i've been freaking sick for almost two weeks. last wednesday (6 days ago) i went to the campus health center, hoping that they would give me something the make the incessant and horrible coughing go away, and so i could actually sleep through the night without waking up ten times, and go to class without disrupting everyone. so, the doctor told me that i have a sinus infection and so she gave me antibiotics and mucinex to help get everything out, ya know. so, i started taking the antibiotics and the mucinex twice a day on wednesday, and i'm not any better yet. i have literally been suffering through the day and night. there is no other word to describe it but suffering. i lost my voice on friday, and it's still in the process of coming back, which is just really fun. and, guess what? i'm still coughing incessantly! i basically sound like i'm dying. it's miserable trying to focus and get work done, especially reading...which there's a lot of. plus, to top it all off, i only have two cough drops left....so i don't know how i'm going to make it through the night tonight. my body gave me a little tease this morning and made me think that i was starting to get better...until the coughing hit again at about 2 pm. i am going to go back to freaking health center tomorrow morning hopefully and see what the heck is wrong with the antibiotics since they are not working at all. i just hate being here right now. i wish i was home where i wouldn't have to walk outside in the 30 degree weather for five minutes just to get food...which, i am positive, is not helping me get better. i've missed three sessions of my pilates class so now i'm going to be totally lost when i can finally go back to class. i guess i should consider myself lucky seeing as the work load for the last week has been noticeably less than normal, but that's still not helping me get better. i need to go to sleep, although it will probably take me at least an hour to fall asleep, even though i'm exhausted.

chuck norris can believe it's not butter.

oh, the junior high years.

i found this journal entry from when i was 14 years old. i thought it was the funniest thing in the world, so i thought i would share it with the world. i am going to leave out proper names and such....

"Dear Journal,
this entry will be about one thing, or person i guess i should say, and his name is ---. About six weeks ago, i started going to ---- and i love it. not only because it's an awesome youth group, but because that is where i met---. From the first moment i saw him i knew that i liked him. he's 14 years old, but he's only in 8th grade and he goes to ----. he's a little taller than me and he dresses like a complete metrosexual (that means he dresses really well). the cutest thing is that he always wears (almost always) a brown baseball cap with elastic in the back, he wears in tilted to the side. he wears awesome tinted jeans that hang just right and are the perfect length. he also wears kswiss shows which are prime. ---- also walks really nicely and carries himself nicely. he always seems really nice and he has a really sexual voice, though his laugh is kinda funny (but cute). another thing i love about him is that hes not afraid to be religious. when it's worship time, he actually sings and raises his hands and i think that it's so cool that he doesn't care about anyone else while he is worshipping. the one problem i have is that, well...i've never actually talked to him before. But, we had made direct eye contact at least 3 times. ---is coming with me this wednesday..tell ya more later!"


who knew i could use such intense words like metrosexual at fourteen. haha.

are you ever so fed up that you stop caring?

do you ever have days where you just wonder what people are thinking? why they make certain choices? are you ever baffled at what people you know do with their lives and what they spend their time doing? do you ever just want to scream at someone 'what are you thinking'? do you ever want to try to wake someone from the sleep they seem to be in? are you ever so fed up that you stop caring and stop pretending to be nice? because i've been having a lot of those days lately.

i really have not been a happy person lately. i just always feel down about something, and most of the time i don't really know what is making me feel this way. last year if i felt sad, i could just sit with bubba sleeping on my lap and watch tv. it helped me to forget everything that was going on, forget the world, forget my problems. or i would take a nap sleeping on tully, listening to his heart beat, feeling his chest go up and down as he breathed slowly. it calmed me down, helped me to think rationally and not be so angry about stuff that was going on. i have no where that i can escape to here. no one to help me feel better. no fluffy kittens that will come purr at my feet, no smushy faced puppy to make me smile, no big dog that i can lay on...no bedroom to lock myself into, no concert i can go to to clear my head, no one to vent my problems to that will understand me, and no car to drive my problems away with.

i can't wait to go home on thursday. monday and tuesday of this week are gonna be monsters, but once tuesday at 9:30 rolls around, it's cake until i leave for break on thursday at 3. i'm going to see if i can not go to painting class on thursday, then i literally could sleep in as late as i want. oh wait, scratch that. i'm having coffee with On at some point on thursday morning, but it would be amazing to not have any classes to go to the entire day.

my pilates class starts tomorrow. i'm going to try it out, but i might end up dropping it because it's in the middle of the day, and i'm already swamped all the time. if it's more yoga-like pilates, i might stay in because it may actually help relieve my stress. but if it's really intense, i will probably wait until next semester. i'm just always feel like i have an overabundance of homework, and i sometimes do my gospel of john homework during that hour. i don't know, i guess i will go monday and wednesday and see if it's going to be okay.

oh my word. i just absolutely cannot wait to scoop bubba up in my arms and wrap myself around tully. and have my little kitten sleep with me at night in my amazingly large and comfortable be. oh man, i can't believe i get to go home in three days! ahhh!

now, i must be off to study for my major c.s. lewis test that's on tuesday. oh, and did i mention that i have a painting due on tuesday that i've only done the initial painting? that's going to be fun trying to finish that tomorrow. ahaha...somebody help me.

i've become a pretender.

the other day in core, i fell asleep pushing the backspace on my laptop. when i woke up, i had deleted almost half of my notes. this is the kind of thing that only happens to me. i am a horribly unlucky person and weird, but horrible things always happen to me. kind of like how i tripped and ripped a whole in my pants the other day because someone left the rug turned over...and also because i'm sort of a clutz, i'll admit it.

i feel like i complain a lot. maybe that's just cause a lot of bad things seem to happen to me, or i seem to always end up in a situation that, as i would say 'is not ideal.' i use that phrase a lot. any time something really sucks, i say "this is not my ideal situation." it makes me feel not so bad about the crap that happens to me. i also find myself saying "only me!" a lot, rebecca can attest to that.

barcelona is coming to spokane on december 1st. i absolutely cannot wait. i actually started screaming when i found out...that's how excited i am. i really wish moneta or tysen or this providence or classic crime would come play some time too. oh well. when i am home for fall break, and boys like girls and all time low are going to be playing at el corazon. i really want to go, but i just need to find someone to go with me. i think it would be an amazing concert.

i wish i had guts. i wish i was able to just speak my mind to everyone i ever meet. i wish i could say whatever i wanted to people and tell them how i really feel. it's kind of weird cause i feel like i'm hiding the most from the people i spend the most time with. what is wrong with me that i can't just talk about my feelings? that i can't just have 'the balls' to say what i want? my life would be a lot better right now if i could talk to people honestly. there are so many burning questions that i want answers to, so many things i don't understand. i've become a pretender.

can anyone wake me from the sleep i'm in? from the hazy life i've been leading? life continues without a realization of where i'm going or what i'm doing. i keep praying for something to change, for things to get better. i'm still waiting for a reply.

i keep trying to rely on god, cause he's the only one left that can do anything for me. he's the only one who understands my situation. it's hard being here by myself some times. it helps me fall back on him, cause there is simply no one else. i've started to become sort of lonely here. music has become more of a friend to me than ever before. but it almost makes me more sad sometimes because i find myself listening to seattle bands. music helps me forget about the world. thank god for music.

i basically got addicted to them

the other day i had an epiphany about my happiness and why it has recently been lacking. that discovery was that horseback riding, which was such a huge part of my life, is now missing from the equation. i didn't really realize how much it affected me, but it's starting to dawn on me. i was getting to the point where i was riding three to four days a week and teaching two or three days a week...and i haven't even seen a horse in a couple months now. it's really weird. horses are really therapeutic for my sanity. this is going to sound crazy, but they are wonderful listeners. if i was riding alone or with only one or two other people, i would talk to the horse i was riding almost the entire time. most horses love it when you talk to them...they like to hear your voice, and you can tell they are listening to you when they have one ear turned back to face you and one forward to listen to everything else. they will listen to everything you have to say, and it makes you feel so much better. they're wonderful companions, and will try to take care of their riders. they feel responsible for you, and feel really bad if you fall off (unless of course they try to dump you because they are not well trained...). riding was something that i counted on, that i looked forward to. it was really calming and kept me sane. it's one of those things that you can do to escape from the world. when you're riding, nothing else exists in the world but the connection between you and your horse. it's the best feeling in the world when the horse is really responsive and you are just completely in sync, you feel like you are floating. and lets not even talk about jumping, that is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

some days, if i was alone at the barn and not having a good day, i would just go out into the pasture and hang out with the horses while they grazed. you can lean on them, hug them, sit next to them and just chill. they are so relaxing to be around and like i said, they are wonderful listeners. i really miss having them in my life. i've been emailing this lady who wants me to exercise her arabian mare for her here in spokane, and i'm really hoping that she's close enough to campus for us to work something out, because riding, and even just being around horses would make me much happier on a day to day basis.

i also really miss being able to go for runs. that's one reason why i'm so looking forward to going home in ten days. i decided i'm going to try to go for a run every day that i am home. running with bubba was a really good way to clear my head...it allowed me to run my problems and stresses away. i've started thinking about all the things i want to do while i am home. i most definitely want to go to pike place or another place in seattle. i really miss it, and can't wait to go back. and me and rebecca are probably going to go visit kaylyn at UPS and i'm really excited to see her. it will be so wonderful to go back home for a few days.

it's hard because i really don't feel like i have that many friends here, and i am never very happy. i don't really know why, but i haven't really been my bubbly, loud, sarcastic self since coming here. i dunno...there are a bunch of factors that could be the cause of this, but i don't like it. i wish i could just be happy all the time. today is the first day in a really long time that i've had even a semi-good day. i miss being bubbly and happy. i miss having that good feeling all the time. i feel down all the time, and i don't really have anyone that will cheer me up here. at home i had so many people and things around me to make me feel better, but here, there isn't anyone/anything like that. i definitely know one cause of this, but it's not the entire cause. i'm not really homesick, at least i wouldn't call it that...it's more of the fact that i miss things and events back home.

missing a bunch of absolutely amazing concerts doesn't really help me feel better either. ah. live music is such an upper for me. i miss it horribly. not that i haven't gone to concerts since coming here, cause i've gone to two...they just aren't the same as my favorite seattle bands. i saw moneta four times this summer, barcelona once, the classic crime once, this providence once, tysen twice, dating delilah twice (only cause they were opening), the real you twice, and others i'm forgetting. it's insane to go from that to being completely cut off from them. especially with moneta. i basically got addicted to them after seeing them four times in a matter of about two months, and now i haven't seen them in about two months. i am definitely having concert withdrawls.

cheer me up.

i like it and that's all that matters, right?

i did my first radio show last night. it ended up being a lot of fun, and i can't wait to do it every week. i was really nervous i was going to mess up, but we only messed up once, and it was mostly brandon'd fault...haha. we accidentally played the same song almost in a row, and then there was silence for like ten seconds cause we couldn't figure out how to get the next song to play right away. but other than that, it turned out really well. and we decided that we aren't going to script it next time, because it was way more fun to just talk without having it all really planned out.

it's fall preview this weekend and it's really weird. it's crazy to think that just a year ago, me and rebecca were those little high school seniors walking around campus, nervously clutching our free whitworth folders with our quite obvious name tags pinned to our shirts. i can't believe that was only a year ago. it makes me really happy to see them all walking around, taking tours, because that was me last year! i want all of them to love it here, because i love it here. my experience last year with my overnight host was not very good, so i promised myself that if i attended whitworth the next year, i would host someone and make sure they have an amazing time, so i am! i signed up a couple days ago and some girl named brynn is going to be staying with me and rebecca tonight. i'm really happy, and i am going to be the best host i can be.

so i dyed my hair again on friday. this time i dyed it 'soft black' because apparently the deep brown isn't dark enough. my hair is definitely darker now, but it doesn't look black in person. i took some pictures to put on my facebook and myspace, and with the flash, it actually looks black...it's kinda scary, but don't worry, it doesn't look like that in real life. i am much happier with this color though because i needed something drastic. i was just so tired of that mousy brown color. it wasn't really blonde, and it wasn't really brown, it was just icky. it's weird though because not very many people have noticed it...or at least they haven't said anything. oh well, i like it and that's all that matters, right?

i decided a couple days ago that i am chaning my major...already. i honestly hate my painting class/professor and i just don't think that with the amount of hate i have for it, that i can continue to be an art major. the thing is, i want to do graphic design, but it doesn't require any classes that will give me a practical application for the graphic design, it just shows me how to do it. plus, i would have to take all sorts of nasty art history classes, which i definitely don't want to do.

the more i think about my life and what i want to do, i really would love to be in the music industry....it would be my dream job to work for a record label, doing promoting, designing websites, merchandise, cd covers, posters, and things like that. having gone to so many concerts in the lat couple years, it has become a major part of my life, something i can't, and don't want to live without. music is something that everyone loves, at least some sort of genre...it can connect you with people you never would have known. so...because of this, i am considering majoring in marketing with a minor in visual communications. if they had a major for visual communications, i would totally do that. it is way more what i want to do than graphic design. you still take photoshop, design, web design, photography, and other classes that i wanted to take, but it is more focused on the business aspect of it than the art aspect. and even though marketing will be a lot of business type classes, at least it is something i will still enjoy, and it has a ton of practical applications once i graduate.

i have to go get ready to meet my pre-frosh! yay!

Applied Journalism: Radio

so guess what? i signed up for this class called Applied Journalism: Radio. I get to be a radio dj for whitworth's radio that's broadcast here in spokane. KWRS 90.3 fm. you can go listen online. i'm going to be having a specialty show with brandon called P.R.I.M.E. which stands for pop rock indie modern emo, in which we get to play whatever music we want, so long as it does not include swearing. our little description of our show is "your source for up-and-coming music from seattle and beyond." i'm going to play a bunch of my favorite seattle bands that i miss so much. we've already planned out what we are going to play for our first show, and i can't wait. plus, they have a HUGE music library, and we can burn whatever the heck we want...they even encourage it! we start on saturday from 9-11 pm. it's gonna be bomb.

i'm going to dye my hair again on saturday i think. it's most definitely not as dark as i was hoping it would be, so i'm just going to try again. i haven't decided if i could get a darker color, or just get the same one and leave it on longer. hm.

i fell asleep about four times in my core 150 lecture today. it was ridiculously boring, and i didn't go to sleep until like 1:30 last night, which is actually pretty late for me. i've been really good about getting to sleep at a somewhat decent hour. although, i think i could be so tired simply because it's the middle of the week, and i always get into a slum. plus, i had seven hours of class yesterday. mondays, wednesdays and fridays i only have two and thursdays i only have three. tuesday is most definitely my craziest day of the week.

the stress of midterms are coming upon me right now. i have a 100 point "quiz" in my gospel of john class on friday, and then i have a 100 point midterm on monday. i don't know what in the world my teacher is thinking. plus, for the midterm we have to define and explain a bunch of greek terms that we haven't even learned. i have no idea what i'm going to do. i have no idea how i'm doing in that class right now, and i fear that i'm going to get a shock at the end of the semester when i find out my grades. eek.

i did a straight up face plant.

yesterday was not a good day for me.

me and rebecca were walking out of our dorm at about 9:30 to head to the coffee shop to rejuvenate ourselves with caffeinated beverages so we could read for a while. this guy kyle was talking to us as we were walking out the door so i was kind of looking back and wasn't watching were i was going. the second the door closed behind me, i caught my foot on the rug outside that had been flipped up to keep the door open. i did a straight up face plant. i landed and skidded on both of my hands. my headband flew off my head, and i hit my knee really hard on the pavement. of course i stood up almost immediately so no one would see, and luckily there wasn't really anyone around. me and rebecca started cracking up, because it was actually quite humorous. once we had gone up the five or so steps to get to the pathway, i looked down to see if i had skinned my knee, only to discover that i had ripped a hole in the knee of my favorite pair of jeans (which were also my very first pair of skinny jeans, which hold great meaning for me...haha). i literally screamed out "i ripped my favorite pair of jeans!" at the top of my lungs. people would probably think i was crazy if they heard me, but i doubt anyone heard me. i was so angry.

then today, i went to finish the rest of my squirrel painting for my painting 1 class. i got paint all over me, but i thought that i had escaped getting it on my clothes, until i got to the hub where brandon asks "did you get paint on your shirt?" and so i look down to find yellow/white paint on the front of one of my favorite new shirts. i was so annoyed. i am going to try to use tide to go to get it out, but i don't know if that will work.

i have a ridiculous amount of reading to do right now. i feel like there is no way that i will get it all done. for my gospel of john midterm, we have to define like 15 greek terms, most of which we haven't even learned, and we have to describe in great detail the seven signs of jesus, which we haven't even gone into much detail about. ugh. it's so frustrating.

college sucks. okay, that's a lie, college is amazing, but the work is so different and so much harder than high school. i am going to miss the best concert of my life being here. (i may have already talked about this in a previous blog, so forgive me). the classic crime, tysen, and moneta ALL acoustic. they are even sectioning off the showbox to make it more intimate. i can't believe i am going to miss it. i cannot believe it.

as much as i do like college, i really, really miss seattle. so much that i have decided to make a painting of seattle for my dorm room. i really am a seattlite at heart. i miss it horribly. and, i'm not going to lie, i most definitely miss the rain. i am sooo sick of the freaking cold weather. it's already like 40 degrees almost all of the time, which sucks. i don't have enough cold weather clothes for this. blah. i really don't like spokane very much. it's just not home.

i work at target. we better get that cart back!

yesterday was a pretty good day.

me and rebecca and brandon took the bus to northpoint shopping center to get some groceries and hair dye. Of course (even though i said it was a bad idea) we went to safeway first. we ended up getting way too many groceries...definitely not an amount that would be easy to take on a bus. Then we walked the quarter mile to target with the safeway cart. upon arriving at target, we transferred our safeway bags into the target cart. we saw court when we were going into the target. that was fun. after we got everything we needed at target, we had to walk the quarter mile back to the bus stop. at which point we decided that either we would have to take the cart on the bus or walk back to school with the cart. we decided on the latter. i don't really know how long of a walk it was. it was kinda long but was over quickly. while we were waiting to cross the street at hawthorne and division, we heard so guy saying "hey, hey!" really loudly so we turned around to see this guy sitting in his truck in the parking lot behind us. he said "i work at target. we better get that cart back!" so we assured him that we would take it back later, knowing very well that we wouldn't.

once we got back to campus we took our cart up to me and becca's room to unload our groceries. brandon took the cart back to his dorm because we had no use for it.

then it was time to dye my hair. i was really nervous but also really excited. i had never done it before, so i wasn't really sure how to do it...it was kinda a learning experience. i don't think i left it on long enough though because it's not as dark as i was hoping it would be. i know that it is darker, but i can barely tell a difference when i look at my hair. it's kinda disappointing to go through all of that and have it not be as dark as i wanted. oh well, i guess i will just have to dye it again in a month or so.

brandon and rebecca went on a date last night, so i stayed in my room, got in my sweats and watched pride and prejudice, one of the greatest movies ever. it was really nice to just get comfortable and relax. then they came back and we watched an episode of lost, which was fun.

i didn't go to ballroom dancing club last night. that was dumb of me. oh well.

i am angry. we found out that the milk we bought yesterday is leaking, which means no cereal. i was really looking forward to having cereal this morning. ugh.

i should go do some reading for my c.s. lewis class. i to read pretty much an entire book by tomorrow at 4. oops.

the clouds of rain have come over campus to pour out their tears

i found out today that i am going to be missing what may have been the best concert of my life: the classic crime acoustic set, playing with tysen and moneta at the showbox. unfortunately, it is on november 3rd, just one week after i am home for fall break. what are the odds? i am horribly disappointed that i am going to miss this concert, but hopefully tcc will go on tour after the seattle show and come to spokane.

i realized today that i am going to have to buy all of my christmas presents in the two weeks right before christmas...which is basically insanity.

i found out today that the girl in charge of campus activities (who i have been emailing like to crazy to try and get some of my favorite seattle bands to come) is very interested in having Barcelona come play, and said she's talking with their manager right now! i am so frickn happy right now. like literally, you don't know how excited this makes me. i don't even know if it's for sure, or when, but just the prospect of them playing here is making me all giddy inside. i haven't seen any of my seattle bands in well over a month, which is a very long time to be deprived.

i have a ridiculous amount of reading to do right now. for each book (of the five...ugh) i made a little reading schedule of how far i need to get each day. this almost stresses me out more than it helps me because i never stick to the schedule...then i end up having to read like 100 pages in each book the day before i'm supposed to have it done. i'm not gonna lie, my c.s. lewis class basically ruins my weekends. we have to write responses to our readings by sunday night at 5...which basically means i have to spend the entire weekend reading the one and a half books that i get assigned each week. not to mention all the other reading and homework i have for my other classes.

i am leaving in about an hour to get my hair dye from target (in addition to getting some much needed grocery shopping done). i must say that i am really ready for a change. i have never dyed my hair before, and i am so ready to be done with this icky mousy brown color. i am also really nervous though....i have never done it before and i don't want it to look bad. ugh...hopefully it will be okay.

it started out sunny today, but now the clouds of rain have come over campus to pour out their tears. it's been so cold that i have already started wearing my coat that i bought for the below zero weather...oops. i have a feeling i am going to have to wear five layers once the snow comes. i am not looking forward to that day, because once it comes, it doesn't leave for months. i don't know why i wanted to come here to go to school.

so remember how i told you a few days ago that my plant died? well i'm pretty sure it's sitting on my shelf like a rotting body that hasn't been disposed of. don't worry, it doesn't smell like a decomposing body smells though. although, i'm pretty sure our milk went bad a week ago and we haven't thrown in out yet. maybe that's the weird smell in my room right now...

it was homecoming week this week. kinda lame and no one really cares about it. plus we don't even have a dance (not that i'd go any way....considering i hate dancing), we just have a fancy banquet. our homecoming football game is tomorrow and i'm pretty pumped. the one football game i have gone to is the only one we've lost all season. go figure! i'm hoping we win...but we are playing an undefeated team...so i doubt it.

not next weekend but the weekend after that is parents weekend, which i am super pumped for. not just to see my parents, but also my bugsy!! i am going to parade around campus with him showing him off cause he's so cute. i have told so many people that my parents are bringing him and everyone is so excited to see him. then the next weekend is fall break, so i get to go home for a few days! i can't wait to sleep in my big bed, get homecooked meals, and see mooky and my little kitten. i am so pumped. then the next weekend, me and rebecca's small group leader is coming to visit, and i can't wait to see her.

the next few weeks are going to be amazing (despite the fact that i'm missing the greatest concert of my life). and i'm actually having a pretty good day today. i'm actually kind of...happy. i haven't just been happy for no reason in a while. it's a good feeling.

I fear I will go crazy.

i realized i already wrote today, but i don't care...i need to get this out. you know when you spend time with someone, and the more time you spend with them, the more you don't like them? when literally every word out of their mouth annoys you? well that's happening right now. don't worry, not with my roommate...that would suck.

i don't really know what to do about this. there's not really much i can do, but i fear i will go crazy.

i find myself praying a lot these days. i pray a lot when i'm alone, which is quite often. it's comforting knowing that if i can't talk to anyone else, or no one else will listen and care, god will. i don't want to sound like some crazy obsessive christian girl who prays 24 hours a day, but it's nice to just talk to god, because he knows and understands my situation, and he's always there.

so many things have changed since coming to school that my mind can't even handle it all. some good, some bad...some horrible.

what do you do when being around someone just puts you in a bad mood? somebody help me. things are not going well for me at the moment. i just can't handle it any more. i just can't. i just can't.

i want to cry a lot, but for some reason, the tears don't come. so instead i'm just sad. i don't know if it's noticeable or not. but i figure it isn't because no one has said anything. i guess it's better that way. it doesn't help that i'm 5 hours from home and surrounded by the things that are making me sad. i think i'm going to take a nap.

sleeping away my sorrows always helps!!

hello, my name is maddie. it's been 34 days since my last drink

i ate dinner with an old friend last night. that was really good for me to do. i find myself getting sad a lot because of all of the reminders of home that i have surrounding me. around my desk i have picture of my puppy and my kitten, pretty much all of my friends, two mugs that were gifts from people i love, and of course my large array of band stickers. i'm not really home sick, i just miss things and people that are back in seattle.

i'm not going to lie, i really miss starbucks. it's been over a month without it. i didn't know i could go that long. the coffee they make in our on campus coffee shop is usually bad, but once in a while it will be good. i had a peppermint mocha the other day that almost made me sick it was so gross. i've just been spoiled going to high school where there are two starbucks within a half mile, and one practically on my campus. it was almost ridiculous, and just fed my addiction. it's like i'm going to SAA (starbucks addicts anonymous). "hello, my name is maddie. it's been 34 days since my last drink."

i can't believe it is already october. where did september go? i feel like i wasn't really living any of it. it was as if i was doing everything without knowing it. i feel like all i did for a whole month was read like a mad woman. studying has taken over my life (and rightly so, considering this is college) but i feel like i never have a moment to just breathe and relax. not to mention i am always tired, even when i get eight or more hours of sleep.

i am going to die my hair this weekend. i haven't really decided if i am going to do a dark brown or black. considering i have never dyed my hair before, i am hesitant to go completely black. i figure, if i start with a brown, i could always go darker.

i miss being able to go for runs with bubba. i don't really want to run here because there are always a ton of people around. i miss watching bubba run next to me and look up at me with his tongue hanging out. i miss watching him sleep when we get home.

i didn't realize before coming here how much music is a part of my life. i haven't been to a show in over a month. i think the reason i'm freaking out about it so much is because there aren't any available. during the last year, there were times when i didn't go to shows for a month, but i knew there would always be one when i did need to go to one. here, they are scarce and aren't the seattle natives that i love. i had no idea how much happiness it brings to my life. it's one of those things that just refreshes me and helps me get through the weeks...especially when i have one to look forward to. over the last few years i have started to go to way more local shows, and now that i can't, it's really hard for me.

my core class today was really super boring. rebecca fell asleep next to me, and patrick fell asleep next to her. rebecca had her head back, patrick had his head forward and the girl in front of me was asleep to the side...it was really funny. i really don't like that class. it's nothing like what i thought it would be, and it's a ridiculous amount of work.

we are having a little sammamish reunion tonight at didiers, the best frozen yogurt in the world. i'm really excited. oh geez, i miss home!

i need to go do homework before class. i love how i leave my gospel of john homework until an hour before class. that's a good habit...take note.

my best friend, a.k.a. my i-pod.

i went to church yesterday morning. it was really bad. it's nothing like what i am used to, and the presbyterian service just seemed so robotic to me. it really made me miss generation church. i especially miss the amazing, powerful worship and the best preaching in the world. it makes me sad that the only church that i really have access to right now is the one on campus, which is not really going to work for me.

i can't wait to go home at the end of the month. it's crazy to think that i am already over a quarter of the way through my first semester. i'm done with four weeks and there are about nine left. it's really crazy but i am so ready for a break. i can't wait to go sleep in my amazingly comfortable, large bed at home with my snuggly little kitten sleeping next to me. i can't wait to see tullamook's face when he sees me again, and i can't wait to hear bubba's snorting when he get's excited. i can't wait to be with family and have some wonderful, homecooked meals. i can't wait to have a hot shower for once!

who knew how much i would take having a hot shower for granted at home, but now i will most definitely appreciate it, since i don't have it now. i literally haven't had a hot shower since i have been here. if anything, they get to be luke warm, or give you spurts of hot water that last about two seconds and come every thirty seconds or so. i've tried going upstairs to use their showers, but they weren't that much better. i can't wait to go home and blast my music as loud as i want to and jump and dance around my room.

i only got about five or six hours of sleep last night, which is most definitely not enough. during gospel of john today, i could barely stay awake. i literally have NO idea what my professor was talking about because i was in and out of sleep the entire time. i kind of feel bad but her class is such a joke. i let myself take a half hour nap earlier, which helped, but i'm still really tired. i'm always tired, no matter how much sleep i get. i hate it. being tired is probably one of my least favorite feelings ever.

i have so much work i should and could be doing right now but i really don't want to do it. the amount of reading i am getting assigned is borderline insane. i can't wait until next semester. at least now i have a small idea of the work load for different classes so now i can try and balance it a little better so i'm not constantly swamped with work.

i have to read almost all of the book of luke, and eighteen chapters of acts by thursday, when i will be quizzed on it. and that is just for one class.

i miss my friends. i miss being around people who really know who i am, who understand and appreciate me and what i say. not that everyone here doesn't like me, just a select few. i have met a lot of people that i connect with and enjoy their company. i've been meeting a lot of people and hanging out with a lot of them, which has been fun. i just miss the comforts of people that
already know a lot about me.

you know what makes me really happy? music. if i feel down, i can just sit on my bed with my best friend (a.k.a. my i-pod) and just sink into a whole different world. and facebook... facebook makes me happy too. and my book of bunny suicides.

i'm pretty sure my plant is completely dead now. oops. oh, and did i mention i think i am going to die my hair? what color, you ask? maybe you will find out tomorrow.

don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?

i haven't blogged in a few days. i've already failed my goal of blogging every day. oh well.

i had my first major test on friday for my core class. it was really intimidating, especially since we didn't really know how to best study because we had no idea what would be on the test. i probably ended up studying for four to five hours and still didn't feel prepared. they made us take the test in an auditorium seated every other row, every other seat so that we wouldn't cheat. we had to leave our bags in the hall and so they gave us a piece of cardboard to use as a hard surface. i ended up knowing most of the stuff, but the last section, worth 40 points, was on one of the one things i hadn't reviewed at all. i think i B.S.ed it pretty well though. i don't want to speculate on whether i did well or not because when i think i do good, i end up doing horribly, and when i think i bomb it, i end up getting an A. whatever.

i went out to dinner with five other girls from my hall last night to red robin. it was great fun.

ballroom dancing club was last night. we learned the east coast swing, which was actually really fun, but kinda hard once we started getting to the spins and stuff. it's really fun dancing with a guy who actually knows what he's doing, because then you don't feel as dumb when you don't know what you are doing, cause at least they can lead you and you can kind of follow. i ended up dancing with this one guy who blinked a lot, but stared at me the entire time. and he asked me the question "so how are you liking whitworth?" twice in a matter of about one minute. i felt bad telling him he had already asked me that, so i just answered again. the last guy i danced with (i can't remember his name for the life of me!) dipped me at the end and i didn't freak out like the last time someone tried to do that! i was very proud of myself, and i have to admit that it was really fun.

it's also more fun when the guy knows what they're doing because they do more fun stuff like spins so you aren't just doing the same two steps over and over like i ended up doing with the guy who blinked a lot. let me tell you, doing rock step, triple step gets really, really boring after a full three or four minutes.

i think i am going to like ball room dancing club, since i already enjoy it after going twice. it's the only kind of dance i actually like. screw that dumb kind of 'dancing' you do at dances and give me the foxtrot! haha. it's so much more fun and you can actually kind of talk to the guy you are dancing with. plus it's way more romantic (not that i'm romantically interested in the guys i've danced with at ballroom dance, cause i'm most definitely not).

last night i hung out with charles, pierre, lucas and alan. we watched bill and ted's excellent adventure. i highly recommend it. it is a wonderful work of keanu reeves and is highly entertaining.

i feel like i have been reading all day long, but i haven't gotten much done. it's probably because i am sitting reading in front of my computer. so then i end up on facebook or here wasting my time away. i still have soooo much reading that i need to do for my cs lewis class, it's almost ridiculous. no wait, it most definitely is ridiculous. i still have about 250 pages left to read by 3:30ish tomorrow afternoon so that i can write a response to them and submit it online by 5. the thing is, i haven't really procrastinated that much, we just get assigned so much that it seems impossible to get it all done. i don't know how i am going to finish.

i really wish i had a car. i even have dreams about getting a car. i would love to be able to get off campus once and a while without having to be back by 6 (after this is when it starts to get sketchy waiting for and riding the bus). plus, the bus doesn't go every where that i want to go, especially to the church that me and rebecca want to go to.

it just sucks knowing that so many things would be different right now if i hadn't got in my accident. i was thinking today about how much my summer sucked. i didn't get to do anything i had planned to (especially train Belle and teach lessons), and my freedom was basically taken away when my car was totalled. it happened two days before my birthday, so the fourth of july sucked, my birthday sucked and then i had to get surgery four days later and try to do normal things like get dressed and bathe with a 'club' (as i called it) for an arm, which was very difficult. then i had to go to physical therapy and wear a brace at the ranch which made everything there hard. not to mention that my parents used the insurance money from my accident (which was more than we paid for the car in the first place) to buy my mom a new car. that really put the icing on the cake of an absolutely horrible summer. and now my thumb is sore almost all of the time because i have been writing so much in all of my classes. it pops a lot when i move it, and i have started holding the pen all weird so that it won't put so much stress on my thumb. people probably watch me writing and think that i'm weird.

i try not to think about it very much, but i can't help it. the pain is a constant reminder of how horrible the last few months of my life have been. i just don't understand why it happened. nothing good came of it. nothing.

i found out a couple days ago that Sham, the horse i had been riding for the last year and took to my last show, has been sold. it's really sad for me, but i know he deserves a home where he will be shown competitively and be able to use all of his potential. it's sad knowing that most of the horses i have known for the last almost four years will be sold. even horses that i didn't really like, i will miss. it's just like the song "don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?" i almost took all of the horses for granted, even the annoying ones, or the ones that would bite all the time, or the ones that tried to buck you off, or the ones that ran away when you tried to catch them. i will be very sad if i return home to find them all gone. i feel so out of the loop being so far away that i don't know who's being sold and who's not. it's weird. and sad.

so i really need to get back to reading now. i told myself that i would finish another 100 pages in the voyage of the dawn treader tonight, and i want to keep the promise to myself.

"i think it's just in their DNA to attack."

yesterday made me very happy. every night in all of the dorms we have what's called "prime time" where we have different activities going on. Arend (not my dorm), brought puppies and kittens from the humane society to play with. The kittens were really cute but i felt bad cause they looked really sickly, plus the room they were in smelled really bad because of their litter box, so i didn't stay with them for very long.


but, the puppies were so adorable. there were five pitbull puppies named Gus, Brindle, Carlton, Piglet, and one more whose name i don't remember. it really made me miss my dogs, but it was so much fun. they were so playful and were romping around biting each other and playing tug of war with a sock. After i had been there for a few minutes one of them just passed out and in a matter of minutes, the rest of them were asleep too. i picked up Brindle and held him in my lap. he fell asleep on his back and i sat there with him for about 45 minutes. it was really relaxing and calming for me. plus, it was the cutest thing in the world to see all of these puppies sleeping in all sorts of awkward positions on peoples' laps and the floor and stuff.

i ended up getting really angry sitting there with the puppies though, because of peoples' ignorance. people would walk in and ask what kind of puppies they were, and when they found out they were pitbulls they'd say "oh no, i don't want to touch them. pitbulls are vicious." i even heard one girl say "i think it's just in their dna to attack." which is simply not true. i have owned a pitbull and he was literally the sweetest dog i have ever met. he was so loyal and loving and absolutely snuggly. the ONLY downfall he had was his high prey drive, which cause him to try to attack our cats, bird and my rabbit. we ended up getting rid of him (not to a shelter, but to another loving home). we refused to take him to a shelter, knowing that even though he was super sweet, people would not go near him simply because of his breed.


pitbulls are mean because they are trained that way. it is not in their dna to be vicious or to attack people or other dogs. some pitbulls are bred to be fighting dogs and are trained to attack any other dog if they see one. these are the pitbulls that are on the news giving the rest of the breed a bad name. it's the same thing with doberman pinscher dogs. they are made out to be this super tough "guard dog" breed (which they can be, but ANY dog can be a guard dog...), but they are really sweet and loyal companions. my mom has always wanted one after being a vet tech.


it makes me sad that pitbulls have this horrible reputation of being vicious in nature, when they are wonderfully loyal and sweet companions, if they are raised correctly, in a loving home. they won't attack unless they are trained to. please, just tell me if this puppy looks vicious to you?

because to me, it looks innocent and like it deserves a chance at a good life. i think people need to open their eyes to what's really going on, and stop being ignorant. save the pitbulls.